Category Archives: kindness

June 20, 2018 · 10:02 AM

What If You’re Wrong About Depression?

Depression is a mind game. If you stop thinking about it then it will eventually go away.

I read that on Instagram this morning, but I see the same comment in various iterations on a daily basis.

Just think positively!

Look at all you have to be thankful for!

Step out of the darkness and into the light!

Well meaning, to be sure, but it’s not as simple as that. It’s just not.

And we could debate all day about the causes and treatments of depression, and whether or not it’s even a real thing. It’s a chemical imbalance. No, it’s all in your head (side note, I saw a cute meme that retorted with something along the lines of, “Well where do you expect it to be, in my kidney?”) It’s all just a state of mind. It can be fixed with diet. You just need more sunshine. You just need drugs. Drugs make it worse. You need therapy. Psychiatry is just a bunch of pseudo-science quackery. Just stop thinking about it.

Etc

But the thing is, for the purposes of my point here, none of the above really matters. It doesn’t. Because just pretend for a second, just for a second, that you’re wrong, and that the person in question truly CAN’T just positively think their way out of depression. Do you know what comments like yours do to a person with depression? They minimize them. They invalidate them. They make them feel – when they are already at their most desperately lowest point – that they’re doing something wrong. They make them feel worthless, and they make them even less likely to seek help.

At best, comments like these are annoyances… thinly veiled insults wrapped in a pretty bow of concern.

But at their worst? They can be the very last thread on someone’s already rapidly fraying rope. This is going to sound harsh, but your comment could literally mean the difference between a person’s choosing to tread water another day, or letting the rope slip through their fingers.

I think that of all the ways we hurt each other as human beings (and boy howdy, are we good at hurting one another), one of the worst is simply when we don’t see each other. When we don’t listen. When we tell each other, through actions and inactions both that we don’t matter. That our feelings and experiences are not valid. Are not real.

IT HURTS TO BE MINIMIZED.

In fact, at this moment in time, I can think of few things that hurt more. I’ve always known that I was more sensitive to this feeling than most people, and I only recently learned why. In a lovely twist of irony (because what is life if not a giant example of irony?) deciding to open up about this painful facet of my life earned me nothing more than more flippant dismissal. “Pfft. Oh, that. We all feel like that. That’s just being a human.” So now? Once again, I feel unsafe sharing.

IT HURTS TO BE MINIMIZED.

Be kind.

If you’re wrong about this (and hell, even if you’re right), you need to know your words matter. Your words hurt, not help. Because even IF you’re right? Even if the depressed person CAN just think they’re way to happiness? At that moment, that moment that they’re choosing to invite you in… they’re not okay. What they feel is real. They need your friendship, they need your love, they need your support. What they do not need is for you to tell them that they’re wrong to feel what they feel, that they’re wrong to not have pulled themselves up by the bootstraps and fixed it already.

If someone had (fill in the blank with a physical illness – cancer, diabetes, meningitis, asthma) would you tell them it would go away if they would just hurry up and stop thinking about it already? I’m guessing you probably wouldn’t. You know that illnesses, from the common cold to leukemia, are complex. That they’re unique and multi-faceted and require different approaches for each individual person. You realize this. You respect this.

It’s 2018. Can we please start giving mental illnesses the same consideration?

I have written a lot about mental health, especially over the past two years, but this issue is one of the most important, and one of the most personal. Ironically (see above comment about irony), I’m doing well at the moment. I’m in balance. Which is… unexpected, given everything that I have going on right now. I feel good. But when that changes – and it will change, because that’s the beautiful cyclical nature of mental illness – please don’t tell me I just need to stop thinking about it. Please don’t minimize me. Please don’t tell me what I’m feeling isn’t real.

As anyone with depression can tell you, it’s real. If nothing else, it starts and ends with being REAL.

P.S. I just posted an update over on Patreon if you want to know what’s going on in my 3D life at the moment. 🙂 It is set to public, so you don’t need to be a Patron to read it.

1 Comment

Filed under bipolar, depression, kindness, life, mania, mental health, rant

January 8, 2015 · 7:35 PM

Why We Need To Keep Talking About Leelah Alcorn

Leelah Alcorn, 1997-2014

I’ll be 41 in 2 days.

Even at 41, it still stings when I get disapproval from my parents. At this point, it’s stupid little things: they don’t like my nose ring, or that I gauged my ears. They stopped being excited about my tattoos after number 2 or 3. They hated my dreadlocks for every day of the three years that I had them. Such silly, inconsequential, superficial things, and yet I still – even as a grown, confident, very true-to-myself adult – I still falter, still wilt a little bit under their disapproval. Yes, I understand that they love me, but the feeling is still there, just under the surface. The feeling that I’m not living up to expectations. The feeling that I’ve disappointed in some way.

I cannot imagine, even for a second, the pain of being a teenager… a child… a time that’s confusing and difficult and rife with growing pains even under the best of circumstances… trying to figure out who you are and where you fit in…. and being met with rejection from your parents, the very people who are supposed to be your rock and your protector… rejection not for something immaterial like a hair style or a clothing choice, but for who you are.

Make no mistake, Leelah Alcorn was rejected by her parents.

In an interview with CNN, Leelah’s mother, Carla Alcorn said:

“We don’t support that, religiously [In response to her identifying as a girl]. But we told him that we loved him unconditionally. We loved him no matter what. I loved my son. People need to know that I loved him. He was a good kid, a good boy.”

And you know what, I’m sure that she did love her son. I don’t know Carla Alcorn. I have no reason to doubt her words. The problem is… this son that she loved didn’t exist. In Leelah’s own words, she knew she wasn’t “Josh” from the time she was 4 years old. She was 17 when she took her life, so that means that she lived for 13 years as someone other than who her parents wanted and expected her to be. And when she did tell them? She was met with disapproval. She was met with rejection. She was sent to Christian therapists… therapists who didn’t address her big feelings, didn’t help her with her depression, but instead tried to “fix” her. Tried to tell her how wrong she was. Tried to tell her how she just needed to pray it away. Pray away the person that she’d been since she was four years old.

Her parents did not support her, she’d been cut off from her friends, and even her “therapists” (who are supposed to help!) only served to tell her how shameful she was.

I think about how alienated and alone she must have felt and I feel sick.

And if you’re reading this and thinking, “Well it’s sad that she took her life, but being transgender is wrong,” I don’t care that you think it’s wrong. And I mean it in the most respectful way possible, but I really, truly don’t care. Because there’s such a thing as a right and a wrong way to treat people, and we have failed – all of us, as a society – we have shamefully failed in our treatment of people like Leelah Alcorn.

As for her parents:

Her parents have the right to their religious beliefs. They have the right to disagree with her decision to transition to female. Absolutely. But as parents they also had a responsibility. A responsibility to realize that their right to their own beliefs did not and should not supersede their daughter’s right to feel safe and loved and accepted in her own home. A responsibility to understand that their religious rights end where another person’s human rights begin (and not just any old person, but their CHILD!). Leelah had the right to be loved and cared for and protected FOR WHO SHE WAS, not who they wanted her to be. Even in death, they refuse to call her by her chosen gender pronoun, and that to me speaks volumes.

I hesitate to bring religion into it, because I don’t really believe it’s about religion. I believe it’s about love and acceptance. But I feel like it has to be addressed, because I have seen far too many comments along the lines of “This is why I hate Christians.” [And as an aside, I need to believe that the people who say that don’t actually hate all Christians, because if they did, it would mean that they practice the very same bigotry that they’re speaking out against.] It stands to be said that not all Christians would behave the same way as Leelah’s parents. Not all Christians are the same. It bothers me – deeply – how often I find myself needing to say that, but it’s true. In fact my faith informs me very very differently. My faith tells me to love…. deeply, truly, unconditionally. My faith tells me that in order to parent, and parent well, that I need to accept and honor my children for WHO THEY ARE, not tell them through my words and actions that the essence of their identity is wrong or bad or shameful.

My faith tells me that the God I love would not create my child in a particular way (in Leelah’s case as a chid born with male genitalia but who ultimately identified as female), only to want me to reject and alienate the very person He created.

And don’t misunderstand me. I can’t pretend to know what it’s like to be the parent of a transgender child. I can’t pretend to know the pain of losing a child, and the pain of knowing that my own choices contributed.

What I do know is that the words Leelah spoke in her heartbreaking suicide note reflect not just the anguish of her own life and death, but also speak to a much more universal problem. There are countless other “Leelahs” out there, and they need our support. And as the days pass, and people mention her name less and less, I feel almost panicky inside. Panicky because I feel like we NEED to keep talking about this. I feel like we need to remember. I feel like we need to take the lesson learned from Leelah’s life and death and live it.

What does it take for our society to wake up? What does it take for us to stand on the side of compassion and understanding and acceptance for all people? What does it take for us to err on the side of love?

These are the questions we should be asking ourselves all the time, not just in response to tragedy.

Leelah shouldn’t have died. Oh she shouldn’t have died! By all accounts, she was a beautiful and talented soul. But I thank her for leaving her words for all of us, for the powerful and important and timeless message of love, acceptance, and kindness for all. I pray that she finds the peace that she never found on earth.

The only way I will rest in peace is if one day transgender people aren’t treated the way I was, they’re treated like humans, with valid feelings and human rights. Gender needs to be taught about in schools, the earlier the better. My death needs to mean something. My death needs to be counted in the number of transgender people who commit suicide this year. I want someone to look at that number and say “that’s fucked up” and fix it. Fix society. Please.

Sending love to all, in Leelah’s honor.

——————————————————————————————————————————————————–

If you are transgender and contemplating suicide, you can call the Trans Lifeline at 877-565-8860

LGBT youth (24 years and younger) can call the Trevor Project Lifeline at 1-866-7386

For all ages and identities, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255

4 Comments

Filed under acceptance, headlines, hot topics, judgement, kindness, love, parenting

July 10, 2014 · 6:00 AM

A Culture of Love

I’m thrilled to bring you another guest post from my good friend Alice. She previously wrote for my blog here, here and here. Thanks Alice! I’m always happy to share your words.

Six months ago, my husband and I packed up our house and our 5 kids and moved to Turkey. Although he’s been military for over 20 years, this is our first overseas move. It’s hard enough to prepare yourself for living in a foreign country – preparing 5 small people (who at the time were 9, 7, 4, and 2 year old twins) was nearly impossible. And our Turkish is…lacking. And that’s a generous description.

Ever since my twin girls were born in 2011, my biggest challenge (besides actually leaving the house) has been managing 5 kids in public while fielding rude comments and questions from strangers. Disparaging remarks about how many kids I have, rude comments about how I’m lucky I finally “got my girls” after having 3 boys, rude remarks about their own kids – I’ve heard it all. And hated every second of it. In America, I believed that I didn’t like talking to people, or meeting new people. I dreaded going out with my kids because of the inevitable comments. It’s a delicate thing, to respond to rude comments. But even on the rare occasions when I felt like I had the perfect response, it wore me down. It’s exhausting to always be on your guard, to always expect the worst possible thing to come out of someone’s mouth. And more times than not, that “someone” was a fellow mother.

Before we moved to Turkey, I read everything I could find on the internet about Turkish culture. Everything I found said the same thing – Turkish people love children, and lovingly welcome them everywhere. That sounded promising! And now I can say with certainty that what we’ve experienced in the past 6 months proves it to be true. It started the minute we got off the plane in Ankara. At that point, we had been traveling for almost 24 hours. And we were lucky enough to bring a horrible stomach virus on the planes with us, which made itself known as we were boarding our first flight in Washington, DC. I had one of my girls in a sling, snuggled close as we got ready to board, when she threw up all over both of us. And thus began the world’s most hellacious journey. By the time we finished traveling, both girls were wearing airport t-shirts and diapers, having compromised all their clothes (and extra clothes) with vomiting and diarrhea. My 4 year old was also sick, and my 9 and 7 year olds were jetlagged and starting to feel sick. Needless to say, when we finally landed in Ankara, my husband and I were…done. And our family smelled, like oh so many odiferous things. And yet the first Turkish person we encountered, while we were still exiting the jetway, was an airport worker who smiled when she saw us coming, and excitedly gave our 4 year old a hug and patted his curly head.

Six months later, I have nothing but positive stories. Everywhere we go, strangers happily say, “Maşallah!” which is a blessing for our kids and also a way to protect them from evil. It doesn’t matter that I have visible tattoos, or a bleached pixie cut – no one is looking at me. They’re too busy counting my kids, exclaiming over twins, and giving hugs. And frequently, asking to have their picture taken with my kids. And although my Turkish is very basic, tone of voice translates across languages – there is no negativity in these interactions.

Even teens and young adults love kids. We walk to a small Turkish market frequently from our apartment, and one day we happened to go while a large group of preteen and teenage girls was there. While I was paying, my boys decided to wait outside. When I exited the market, at first I couldn’t find them, and then I saw that my 7 and 4 year olds were totally encircled by girls cooing over them, and my 9 year old was sitting on a bench grinning, with 2 teen girls sitting close to him in a lovingly protective manner. There were no sinister implications here. The love and affection for children is deeply ingrained in the culture here. In America we have stereotyped our teens to be selfish and self-centered; we as a society treat children badly and then act offended when they respond in kind. But here I see firsthand a society that regards all children with love and kindness, and I see the teens and young adults giving kindness in return. I’m not claiming Turkey is perfect, but the Turkish people are doing something really right.

Probably the best example I can give involves the dreaded public tantrum. We took a trip to Amasra, a beautiful coastal town loaded with history and old ruins. As we were walking around the old castle walls, we came to a set of stone steps that was truly treacherous. Steep, long, steps made of bumpy stone, with uneven heights, and no railing. I picked up one of my girls, but when my husband picked up our other 3 year old, she threw a fit. So he put her down and said she could walk but she needed to hold his hand. She refused, and got madder. At this point our boys were halfway down the steps, and I was waiting at the top holding a 3 year old who was getting heavy. It was not a good (or safe) situation. So my husband gently picked up our screaming girl and carried her down, while she continued to scream the whole way. When he got to the bottom, he set her down, and she turned around and marched back up 6-8 steps, and came down on her own while my husband walked next to her. A Turkish woman watched this whole scene, and was laughing kindly. She and I looked at each other, smiling, and she said, “She’s so determined! She’s going to be a leader!” I have had kids have public tantrums in the US, and they have almost always been met with scorn and derision, and worst of all fellow parents trying to shame me. It makes a difficult parenting moment harder, and deeply embarrassing. But instead of putting us down, this wonderful stranger lifted all of us up by praising my daughter’s character. Yes, determined. Such a positive way to phrase it, and so true.

Years of the Turkish people treating children with kindness and love has created generation after generation of adults who feel loved and give love freely in return. The generous way they view normal childhood behavior is a precious gift. And as it turns out, I’ve realized that I do love meeting new people and talking to them, especially when I know that no disparaging remarks about my family will be part of that conversation. Living in Turkey has changed me in many many ways – one of the most important being that I now know firsthand the blessing a positive interaction with strangers can be. Back in the US, I will be on the lookout for families in public, especially ones who might be having a hard moment. And I’ll do what I can to offer kind words and generosity of spirit towards their children. It’s something small we can all do that can make a big difference.

More love, more kindness. Only good can come of it.

Alice Davis is an Army wife, mother of five, and probably the last person on earth who doesn’t have a blog. She loves to talk about unschooling, gentle parenting, and mothering multiples. Her family is currently living inTurkey, and soaking up all that the culture has to offer.

3 Comments

Filed under guest posts, kids, kindness, life, parenting

February 24, 2014 · 6:00 AM

And They’ll Know We Are Christians by Our Arrogance, Judgment, and Intolerance

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.

(Matthew 22:36-40)

I grew up in a small, conservative church in New England. It’s been many years since I’ve gone to that particular denomination with any regularity, but the hymns we sang every Sunday are forever burned into my consciousness. I remember one song, the touchy-feely emotional type that I outwardly avoided – but secretly loved – that had a chorus that went like this:

And they’ll know we are Christians by our love, by our love. Yes, they’ll know we our Christians by our love…

I’ve been thinking about that lyric a lot the past couple of days, partly because once something gets stuck in your head it’s there until it’s replaced by something else… but mostly because my social media newsfeeds have been inundated with opinions on this asinine new bill being considered in Arizona; a bill that makes it expressly legal for a business to discriminate against someone – without the fear of a lawsuit – if you feel that not doing so would threaten your religious freedom in some way.

I’m incapable of mincing words at this point, so forgive my bluntness when I say:

What the hell are we doing?

Everyone who’s defending this bill has made essentially the same argument. We have to protect our religious rights! We have to defend what’s right and pure! We have to stand by our biblical principles!

And you know what? I agree. Religious rights are important, and I’m thankful that we have them. I can go to church whenever I want. I can read a Bible while I’m riding on the light rail. I can wear a cross around my neck, and a Jesus fish on my car. I can talk about, or write about, my faith wherever I go. I can accept and respect other people’s religions, and I can appreciate and embrace our differences.

If I stand for anything, it’s for what’s right and pure.

And as for biblical principles – real biblical principles of goodness, kindness, compassion and love – you will not find a bigger supporter. I love the Bible. I love what it’s taught me, and continues to teach me. I love what it’s revealed to me over the past 40 years. I love its story. I love its message of a God who so “loved the world that He gave his only begotten son.” But here’s what I’m wondering…

I’m wondering what part of, “Love your neighbor” is getting confused as, “Love your neighbor unless you disagree with his lifestyle. Love your neighbor unless he’s a liberal. Love your neighbor unless he’s gay.” And before you can say it, I’m not talking about, “Love the sinner, hate the sin” either. I’m talking about JUST LOVING, period, and leaving everything else up to the individual and to God.

I think of Jesus in the Bible and I think of the person “in the trenches.” I think of the guy who was hanging out with the people that no one else would give the time of day. I think of the soul who was spending timing with the tax collectors, breaking bread with the lepers, and conversing with the prostitutes. I think of someone who was healing the sick, helping the poor, and raising the dead.

I do not think of a person who would refuse to serve someone, based on creed or religion or skin color or sexuality. I do not think of a person who would walk away from someone – from anyone – when He had an opportunity to be kind to them, to love them, to minister to them.

I think of Jesus in the Bible, and I wonder how we’ve strayed so far. So far that we’ve forgotten what we were supposed to be doing in the first place. So far that when I think of people who actually emulate Jesus that His followers are the very last people who come to mind.

When did being a Christian become synonymous with using the Bible to brow-beat everyone? When did being a Christian become synonymous with arrogant grandstanding, a tit-for-tat war of words and actions to prove that you’re more Godly, more virtuous than everyone around you? When did being a Christian become about defending conservative reality TV stars, no matter how inflammatory and vulgar their message?

When did being a Christian become about standing behind a ridiculous, intolerant bill that celebrates turning people away, playing judge and jury on others’ lives, and isolating and separating yourself from the very people (ie: ALL people) that you’re asked – commanded really – to love.

Somewhere along the way, this is exactly what happened.

I see the comments from my non-Christian friends… comments about how judgmental Christians are. How arrogant. How intolerant. How cruel. I see the comments and I cringe. Cringe because the comments are hurtful, and cringe because I know they’re right. I’m no stranger to cruel comments on my blog, and the worst – by far – are from my fellow Christians. Often under the guise of “saving” me of course, but cruel nonetheless. And each time… EVERY time… I can’t help but wonder, if I, a fellow believer, am so disappointed and disillusioned with God’s people and their actions, how on earth can they be reaching and encouraging others?

Spoiler: They can’t. They’re not.

We’re missing the boat here, in a big big way.

Christians, we can do better than this. We have to do better than this. I want that old hymn to be true. I so badly want it to be true. Right now, I just don’t think it is. And bills like Senate bill 1062? They’re a giant step in the wrong direction.

I write this to you as a very flawed, imperfect follower of Christ. Lord knows I have my own work to do in the department of loving others. But it seems to me if we can all – all of us – do a little less quoting of cherry picked scriptures like Leviticus 18:22, and a little more living of scriptures like Matthew 7:3, the world would be a much better place.

26 Comments

Filed under bible, faith, God, hot topics, kindness, love, rant, spirituality

January 21, 2014 · 10:52 AM

Piercings and Perceptions (Those people are SCARY)

A few weeks ago, Tegan (almost six at the time of this writing) got her ears pierced. She’d been toying with the idea for at least a year, but was nervous because she knew it would hurt. She talked about it all the time, and asked me lots of questions. My response was always the same. I wasn’t going to talk her into it, or talk her out of it. The only one who could make that decision for her body was her. “When you’re ready, you’ll know. And when you say, “when,” I’ll take you.”

That moment came just a few days after Christmas. Knowing that I wanted to take her to a skilled, reputable piercer who would use a needle rather than the guns used at places like the mall, I made a bunch of phone calls, and asked some friends who’d had their girls’ ears pierced. We ended up at a wonderful shop, with a kind and patient piercer who knew just how to calm Tegan’s understandable jitters. When we came in, the soundtrack to Frozen was playing, and she even had the guy at the front desk put on “Do You Want To Build a Snowman?” just as she was about to pierce, because she’d overheard Tegan say it was her favorite. How above and beyond is that?

Making it even more of an “event”, Tegan had not just her dad and I in her entourage, but also her grandparents who were visiting from Massachusetts. She’d wanted to share it with them, and they were happy to come along for the ride. It was a big, momentous day in her life, one that I was so excited to be able to give to her. We couldn’t have asked for a better experience, and Tegan is thrilled with her new earrings.

I’m thinking about it today because a friend just happened to share an article about why you should take your child to a tattoo/piercing shop (as opposed to the alternatives) to get their ears pierced. It wasn’t new information for me, but I read it with interest since ours was such a fresh experience.

When I was done, I read the comments, which were largely made by people like us… people who’d had great experiences, and were happy to share about it. And then there were a few that stood out, a few that said, (I’m paraphrasing):

I would never take my kids in to a place like that. People who work at those places look scary. I wouldn’t want my kids to have nightmares.

I grew up around such prejudices and similar attitudes about people with piercings, tattoos, etc. as well. I remember once when I was a kid, a woman visited our church with a sleeveless dress on that showed off a cute little flower tattoo on her shoulder. It was adorable (a million times tinier than any of the tattoos I would go on to get) and I was fascinated by it. But when it was mentioned later in my youth group, it wasn’t to talk about how pretty it was… it was to talk about what kind of “image” a tattoo is sending to the world…. a tattoo that we wouldn’t have even seen had she not been wearing a sleeveless dress, which, of course, sent its own message.

I decided somewhere along the way that I wanted something different for my own kids. That I didn’t want them to see people for their clothes or their hairstyles or their body modifications, but for who they are as people. I want them to assume, first and foremost, that most people are good. That most people are kind. That most people will treat them as respectfully as they’re treated in kind, no matter what their outer packaging looks like. In fact, one of the reasons I keep my dreadlocks even through those moments of “I’m cutting them all off!” desperation, is that they open so many doors for acceptance. It’s rare that we don’t have an outing that finds us talking about dreadlocks with all kinds of different people. Pierced, tattooed, modified, dreaded, shaved, dyed… all those people that moms like the one up above find “scary”… making friendly conversation and sharing kind words with strangers. Just like… well, just like the regular people that they are. Subsequently, there are few things that shock my kids appearance-wise.

That’s not to say though, that there’s anything wrong with a child being unsure or afraid of something he’s not familiar with. Not at all. Just a few months ago, we were at a museum when Tegan saw someone with some startling differences, things this woman was born with, that really scared her. I couldn’t fault her for feeling that way. How I could I? She’d never seen someone who looked like that before. What I could do was remind her, and myself, that it’s all just external. Just packaging. That beneath the exterior, we’re all the same. We’re all beautiful. Worthy of kindness, respect, and love.

So my response to those who wouldn’t want to expose their kids to those “scary” people would be this:

First, some of the nicest people I have ever met have been at tattoo shops. Truly. I’ve only had wonderful experiences at every single one of the shops I’ve gone to. My theory is that the artists who are tattooing and piercing are following a passion … people who follow their passions are happy … and happy people are nice people. Let down your guard, and let yourself see it.

And second, kids take their cues from their parents more than from anyone else. If we continue to avoid people who are “different”, they will continue to believe that “different” is scary. If we stay far away from the guy with the long dreadlocks, scoff at the guy with the coaster-sized gauged ears, and silently judge the girl with tattoos all over her neck, our kids will learn from our example. It starts with us.

It’s okay for kids to be scared or unsure when they’re first faced with someone who looks “out of the ordinary.” It’s not okay for us, as parents, to perpetuate it.

3 Comments

Filed under acceptance, judgement, kindness, labels, misconceptions, Tegan

January 5, 2013 · 11:09 AM

I’m a Better Mom When My Kids Are Sick

I had an uncomfortable realization yesterday.

Spencer spent most of the day in the ER with a dislocated shoulder. He is home now, put back together and sleeping comfortably, but yesterday was a long miserable day for him. Mike brought him to the ER while I stayed home with the others feeling anxious and useless, unsure of what to do with myself. As I’d imagine any parent would tell you, there are few things worse than knowing your children are in pain or sick or hurt in any way. It was with great relief that I finally met him at the front door, smiling, whole (if a bit drugged up), and home where I could dote on him.

So glad to have something to do after a day of waiting, I made sure he was comfortable on the couch and that he had the remotes controls he needed. I fixed him some toast and put water on for tea. I kept him company while he watched one of his favorite shows, I brought him ibuprofen when it was time, and I even helped him with his belt buckle when he admitted with a laugh that while he managed to get it UNdone with one hand to use the restroom, he couldn’t get it done again. I was attentive, and I was patient, and I did it all gladly. It made me happy to be able to do something, anything, to help him stay as comfortable as possible.

In short, I was the kind of mom I should be striving to be all the time.

It occurred to me on my third or fourth trip out of the living room to get him something that didn’t I have it backwards? Not that we shouldn’t be so vigilant when there is an extra need, but shouldn’t that same level of patience, of compassion, and willingness to give be present when the kids are well? Especially with kids like mine who are almost never sick? And it’s not that I don’t think I’m a good mom. It’s just that crises tend to make me a BETTER mom. A more aware mom. A more patient mom. And if I can choose to bring that “extra” to my parenting when someone is sick or hurt, can’t I choose to do it all the time? It’s not even a choice now that I think about it…. it’s just the default. Someone is hurt, and out comes that “other” mom. The one who isn’t irritable because she hasn’t been sleeping enough, the one who isn’t distracted with silly things like Facebook and housework and outstanding bills, the one who has all the love in the world and all the time in the world to give it.

Yes, I’ve had it backwards, and I can change that.

I don’t really do resolutions, but if I did, my new resolution would be this: For this year… this week… this day… to make more of an effort to treat my kids – all my kids – as well as I’d treat them if they’d just spent the day in the ER.

2 Comments

Filed under about me, gentle parenting, health, kindness, mindful parenting, parenting, Spencer

December 18, 2012 · 6:00 AM

2012 Top Ten

What a year for parenting. Between Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest, there was no shortage of avenues for crazy ideas. Laptop-shooting dads, public shamings on Facebook, and negative and anti-kid “pins” were all the rage this year.

As I went through my stats for the year to get this post together, I realized that once again my most read pieces were those that responded to these popular trends. I’m not sure how I feel about that. On the one hand, it makes sense…. these are things that people are thinking about, and talking about, and are just generally in the public’s consciousness. On the other, it bothers me. Bothers me because they’re also the posts that garner me the most negative attention, the most “Why don’t you stop judging everyone else and worry about your own family” kind of comments. It was not too long ago that I was told I should stop picking on everyone.

That’s not who I am, and it’s not what this blog is.

Still, there were things that I think needed to be said, and with few exceptions I don’t regret saying them. I do imagine the blog going in a bit of a different direction in 2013, both as a conscious decision and just because I’ve gone in a different direction. As an authentic extension of myself, this space is a growing, changing, fluid organism. And thank God for that.

Here are my most read posts for the year, in order of most to least views:

Not My Idea of a Hero: My response to Tommy Jordan, the man who gained his 15 minutes of fame when the video of him shooting bullets through his daughter’s laptop went viral on YouTube. I took a lot of flack on this one… for “judging” him, and for not respecting him and his decisions as a parent. But the man took a gun, shot it through his daughter’s property, and used fear, intimidation, and public ridicule as a way to discipline. I stand by this one.

I stole your stuff. Now I’m holding it for ransom: My take on the popular Pinterest idea of collecting your kids’ things that were left lying around, putting them in a big bin, and then having them do chores to earn them back. A lot of negative responses to this too (people hold very tightly to their treasured pins :)), especially to my use of the word, “steal.” But in my house, my childrens’ things are their own, and taking something that doesn’t belong to you is stealing. I stand by this one too.

Dear Chick Fil A, I Love You But: Dan Cathy, the CEO of Chick Fil A, made a public statement about gay marriage and what he called traditional family values. People boycotted, people supported him, and everyone went crazy. The brouhaha on both sides of this issue was just too much to ignore, so I had to say my piece. My only regret on this one? That I wasn’t brave enough to say how I really felt about homosexuality. That I hid behind hypotheticals and political correctness and the same “traditional family values” that had started the whole thing. What I didn’t do was come right out and say that yes, I’m a Christian who absolutely loves God and loves Jesus…. and doesn’t happen to think that homosexuality is a sin. I didn’t say that I think that the way homosexuals have been treated in the name of Christianity is absolutely abhorrent, and I didn’t say that I think something needs to change in a HUGE way in this country (and that that change should not involve denying gay individuals the same rights as their heterosexual counterparts.) I didn’t share that I too was once an adamant “It’s a sin, but…” Christian, or the journey that it took for me to feel otherwise, or the years of researching on my own, trying to find out what the Bible actually did and did not say, or my gratitude for people like John Shore, and other Christians who were brave enough to question the status quo – and write about it – long before me. So there it is. And in 2013, I won’t shy away from talking about it anymore.

Mom’s Rules and Is it Okay to Let Your Child Cry? and The Problem with Facebook Parenting: I don’t want to keep repeating myself, so I’ll comment on these all together. Some things are worth taking a stand about. The way children are treated is one of them.

Unschooling, Christianity & Other Misconceptions and The Five Rs for New Homeschoolers and Unschooling: Don’t You Worry That They’ll Miss Something? I’m glad these made the list. I’m in a season right now of not wanting to really talk about unschooling so much as just LIVE it. I know that people are still out there looking for information and reassurance though, and I’d love to think that they’re able to find some of that in some of my past posts…. if nothing else, as a jumping off point for further research.

The Boy Named Johnny: About an awesome, energetic, different kid in Everett’s cub scout troop. I’m glad this made the list too, especially in light of the Connecticut school shootings, and the attention being paid to the fact that the shooter had Asperger’s. I think it’s an important conversation to be had.

And a bonus number 11:

When is it Okay to Judge?: When I saw this was in the number 11 spot, I knew I had to include it. Please read it, especially if any of the above posts make you want to call me judgmental. 🙂

Love you all, and I can’t wait to see what 2013 brings.

4 Comments

Filed under blogging, christian unschooling, discipline, gentle discipline, gentle parenting, judgement, kindness, learning, life, mindful parenting, parenting, unschooling

August 30, 2012 · 12:47 PM

Books and Covers

“Don’t judge a book by its cover.”

Such an old, tired cliche, and one that has very nearly lost all meaning. Sure, we pull it out from time to time, and make ourselves feel like it is a new revelation… but does anyone actually live by it? From what I can see – both online and in the world around me – judging books by covers is not just still present, but very much alive and well.

A few weeks ago, I saw a comment on a blog from someone who said that in his mind, tattoos automatically mar a person’s inner beauty. Now, I’m well aware that people feel that way, but having two tattoos myself (and I’m just getting started :)) the words still stung. It’s one thing to have an opinion…. to not personally care for tattoos or dreadlocks or piercings or whatever… but to actually just look at a person, to see only their outer shell, and then make a decision about who they must be inside? That’s a problem.

Last weekend, we did one of my very favorite things and went downtown to catch a Diamondbacks game. They would lose, 5-0, but we didn’t know that yet. We parked at our favorite $5 lot a few blocks from the stadium, and had walked most of the way there when we passed a homeless man sitting against a lamppost. He looked to be in his 60’s, his skin dark and weathered from the Phoenix sun, and had nothing with him save for a hand-written sign that said simply, “Food.”

Living in a city this size, we see homeless people often. I would never say I’ve gotten used to it – because I think we’re in trouble if we ever get used to such a thing – but it’s far from an unusual sight, especially in that part of town. But here’s what I noticed on Friday night:

As we walked, we were sharing the sidewalk with two kids in their 20’s. They looked… well, they looked like you’d expect two young people who’d just come out of a pub on a Friday night in downtown Phoenix to look. They were tattooed. They looked somehow totally chilled out and restless all at the same time. Their pants were so low that I could very nearly see the bottom seam on their plaid boxers, and they were doing that weird waddle-walk that I’m assuming is necessary to keep them up.

“Are you hungry?” They’d stopped in front of the homeless man just as we all passed. “Here, take this.” One of the young men handed him his plastic take-out container from the pub. “We’ll bring you back some hotdogs, in case you’re still hungry later. Bless you, brother,” he said as they walked away, and I lost sight of them as we all merged with the sea of people getting ready to enter the stadium.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

Was there anything different about what they’d done than if they’d been well-dressed businessman in their 40’s? Well, no. A kindness is a kindness. But the thing that I couldn’t stop thinking about – the thing that made me sad – was that just because they do happen to look a certain way, they likely have to work even harder to disprove people’s preconceptions. That they have to know that, just like that blog comment all those weeks ago, that there are going to be people who take one look at them and decide that they’re not as beautiful on the inside. That they’re somehow less than. Somehow less likely to be kind. Somehow less likely to be giving. Somehow less likely to be good.

And I think that if we’re being honest, we’ve all had or have something in this area that we can work on… some preconceived notion of how a person should be or think or act just because of the way they look. And while I’ll never know who those kids were from the game, I’d like to thank them for reminding me once again that we need to knock it off. Like, yesterday.

My kids are so naturally great at this. So loving. So accepting of differences. I don’t want them to grow up in a world where it’s okay to think that anybody is “less than” just because of the way he looks. That it’s okay to make a decision about somebody based on the way they dress, or the color of their hair, or the fact that they express themselves through piercings or tattoos. I want them to know that a person isn’t more or less likely to be a good and kind soul just because of their outer packaging.

Unfortunately, yes, it’s a truth that sometimes people do bad things. Oh but so very, very many people are good.

And until they’ve shown us otherwise through their actions, shouldn’t we be giving everyone the benefit of the doubt?

2 Comments

Filed under acceptance, fears, kindness, labels, life

August 2, 2012 · 6:00 AM

Dear Chick Fil A: I Love You, But…

Chick Fil A.

You’re sick to death of hearing about it. I am too. BELIEVE ME, I am too. Two days ago, I vowed I would not weigh in. Yesterday I realized I had no choice, if for no other reason than to preserve my own sanity and get it off my chest, if not off my news feed.

I am a huge proponent of respecting other people’s right to have their own opinions, and to voice those opinions as they see fit. Let me just start there. One of the things that has bothered me about this from the start (and there are so very many things that bother me about it) is that those of us who don’t agree with Dan Cathy’s stance are getting accused of not respecting his right to free speech. Of course he has the right to speak. Is anyone actually saying he doesn’t? That’s an honest question… I’ve read so many ugly words coming from both sides that at some point I started tuning them out.

Another one I’m seeing a lot of is a graphic that says: “‘I disagree’ is not equal to ‘I hate you.'” Absolutely. Merely disagreeing, and harboring hatred are two entirely different things.

Here’s the problem…

I’m of the opinion (and remember, Dan Cathy gets to have an opinion. I get to have an opinion. We all get to have an opinion) I’m of the opinion that the Bible is not nearly as black and white on the issue of homosexuality as most of my fellow Christians would have you believe. Setting that conversation completely aside, let’s say for the sake of argument that homosexuality is wrong. There still remains the fact that the Bible is exceedingly clear on one thing. We are called to LOVE.

Of course, of course! Love the sinner, hate the sin.

No. No, no, no. Love the sinner (and we’re all sinners). Period. I believe that that “Love the sinner, hate the sin” admonishment is one of the most hurtful and damaging phrases ever to be uttered. If we’re actively hating something about someone else, we believe they should change. We’re making our love conditional, and half-hearted at best. In essence we’re saying, “I love you, but…” Can any good come after that ‘but’? To truly and completely love, we just have to LOVE. With no strings, and no conditions. Think homosexuality is a sin? So is pride. So is arrogance. So is gossip. So is judgement.

Love anyway.

Chick Fil A donates money – millions of dollars worth of money – to organizations whose whole reason for existence is to fight against, and ostracize, gay individuals… including groups that link homosexuality to pedophilia, groups that feel homosexuality should be outlawed, groups that think homosexuals should be exported from our country, and groups that believe homosexuality is something that can be “prayed away.” One of these groups is the Family Research Council, which has been designated a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center. I ask you, implore you, in all sincerity …. if you were homosexual, or your child or your best friend or your brother were homosexual, would any of the above groups (or the organizations such as Chick Fil A that support them) make you feel particularly loved?

I’ll be honest: I’ve never eaten at Chick Fil A, mainly because I just don’t eat that kind of food. And I’m certainly not going to start now, not because I simply disagree (I want to be really clear about that) but because just as it’s their right to financially support blatantly anti-gay organizations, it’s my right not to. And yes, I’m aware that I’m likely supporting other such organizations without even knowing about it…. but when you know better, you do better. I want my dollars to support groups that promote love, not more division.

I have seen so much righteous indignation, name-calling, and judgment from both sides of the issue. I’ve seen well-meaning Christians proudly boasting about their support of a company that they may or may not realize gives money to a known hate group; and I’ve seen detractors casually throwing out words like bigots, and homophobes, and haters.

I’ve seen people telling Dan Cathy in no uncertain terms where to go and how to get there. And that’s clearly not the answer here either.

These are real people … people with failings and shortcomings to be sure … but real people, who are so much more than a cause or a principle or a religious or political crusade. And as I’ve thought about it, and pulled it apart, and boiled it down, I’ve realized that my responsibility here is no more and no less than to love. Simply. Fully. Unconditionally.

And man, it’s simple in premise but not always easy in practice. It’s hard to love people sometimes. Sadly, ~~often~~ sometimes, my fellow Christians are the hardest of all. But I honestly do want to love like Jesus loved. I don’t ever want to fall back on “loving the sinner and hating the sin.” I don’t want to put conditions on my love. I don’t want to be a hypocrite. So I will say to Dan Cathy and to others who support groups that aim to oppress, disparage, and ostracize others, “I love you”.

And then I’ll just stop talking.

68 Comments

Filed under acceptance, bible, faith, hot topics, hypocrisy, kindness, life, perspective, rant, respect

March 11, 2012 · 5:00 PM

Playing nicely with others

“I want to be clear and here are the values that I stand for. I stand for honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people the way you want to be treated, and helping those in need. To me those are traditional values. That’s what I stand for.” ~ Ellen Degeneres

If you’re on my Facebook page (and if you’re not, consider this your personal invitation) you might have seen a conversation a few days ago about homosexuality. I don’t generally post about things that can garner such controversy – make no mistake, unschooling and gentle parenting garner plenty of that all by themselves – but it’s been heavily on my heart since the firestorm that happened after the homecoming photo of the gay marine went viral, and then again after Kirk Cameron’s recent remarks to Piers Morgan.

For the first time, I thought very seriously of writing about it. I think it’s a highly important issue, and one that has become increasingly relevant. But in the Facebook conversation I mentioned above, it became evident to me rather quickly that such a post would not be received well. A few people even told me I should “stick to writing about parenting.”

Well…

I’m not going to write about homosexuality. But not because people think I shouldn’t, not because it’s too controversial, and not because I’m afraid of alienating readers. As far as I’m concerned, none of the above are valid reasons not to write something. It’s just that I realized at some point over the past couple of days that the issue isn’t really about homosexuality at all. It’s about how we treat each other. And that is actually very much a parenting issue, because our children learn how to treat others from us: their biggest role models.

There are things we are not going to agree on, to be sure. But if you’re reading this blog, whoever you are and wherever you are in your life, I sincerely hope we can agree on the following: (Borrowed from the lovely Ellen Degeneres, because I happen to stand for the exact same values)

Honesty – I have seen people do some crazy and sometimes hurtful things in the name of honesty. Almost as if “honesty” grants them the license to behave as badly as they’d like, regardless of whether or not it is helpful, necessary, or kind. That’s not the kind of honesty I’m referring to. The kind of honesty I live by is both more simple and more primal. It’s the kind of honesty you can only give when you are first honest with yourself. The kind of honesty that comes not from talking, but largely from listening…. listening to that still, quiet voice deep within yourself. A voice which when it is honored, will never, ever, lie to you.

Equality – (From dictionary.com) ” The state or quality of being equal; correspondence in quantity, degree, value, rank, or ability.” Gay, straight, black, white, rich, poor… we’re all the same, not one of us better than the other. To me, equality means that everyone should receive the same standard of treatment, regardless of his or her individual characteristics or circumstances.

Kindness – I’ve seen so much unkindness over the past couple of weeks. So much unkindness! And while I have to say in all fairness that it has come from many camps, one of the most vocal has been comprised of Christians. Not only does disagreeing with someone’s lifestyle not give you the rein to be unkind about it, it is also directly counter to the core values of the person you profess to follow. As a Christian myself, it gives me zero joy to say this, but…. I can thoroughly understand why so many people feel frustrated and/or angered or offended by Christians as a whole. There is no better way to turn someone away – perhaps permanently – than by being judgmental and cruel, all under the name of Christianity.

Let’s be kind. Let’s be gracious. Let’s be compassionate:

Compassion – Compassion takes kindness one step further. Compassion means deeply feeling for another person, and taking on their trials or misfortune as if they were your own. To be compassionate means you want to help… whether that be simply through words or comfort or meeting some physical need. I write most often about meeting children’s needs, largely because I continue to see such widespread inequality in their treatment. But I also have compassion for any group of people that is continually shamed, persecuted, and treated unfairly.

Treating people the way you want to be treated – The Golden Rule. I’d like to think that when asked, most parents would answer that “Yes, of course we tell our children to treat people the way they’d want to be treated!” But do we live it? Do we show them how to do it? Do we model it for them? If we don’t, all the words in the world won’t make a difference. Treat people the way you want to be treated. ALL people. Simultaneously the simplest and most difficult value of all.

Helping those in need – There’s a Friends episode where they squabble over whether or not there’s such a thing as an unselfish good deed. The argument was that doing good things for others makes us feel good, thus making it just as selfish as it is altruistic. It was of course played for laughs, but it did illuminate a very interesting truth: Helping others DOES feel good! And I can’t help but think that the reason it feels good is that it’s what we were meant to do. We were meant to help others. We were meant to work together. We were meant to give of ourselves.

————

I don’t know about you, but I don’t enjoy fighting and unrest. It makes me anxious, it makes me sad, and it gives me a stomach ache. I want to focus my energy – all my energy – on the six items above. Call me naive, but I truly believe that if more of us did just that, that everything else would fall into place.

10 Comments

Filed under kindness, learning, life, parenting, respect, Uncategorized

Category Archives: kindness

Connect With Me

Archives