Category Archives: misconceptions

January 15, 2015 · 9:07 AM

Things That Didn’t Happen Today…. (More Unschooling Misconceptions)

Today was a typical unschooling day. I hesitate to use the word, “typical” (and I use it loosely) because I feel like there’s really no such thing. A typical day would depend on me, it would depend on the kids, it would depend on the season and how active we were wanting to be, it would depend on what sorts of things everyone was into at the time.

But it was a smooth day. A happy day.

Everyone slept late. There was icecream at one point. There was a “snack plate” (our home-made version of a Lunchable, with cheese and crackers and meat and fruit). There was a little bit of housekeeping and laundry washing and email answering. There was snuggling up in bed, watching iCarly, and discussing all the important things in life. There was Skypping with friends. There was reading. There was YouTube watching. There was a lot of internet research. There was trampoline jumping. There was an early evening dance class for Tegan.

It was a good day…. quiet and peaceful. I’m an introvert and a homebody, so those days are some of my very favorites.

There were however, some things that did not happen today. Things that so very many people assume are par for the course for unschoolers. I feel like the detractors always seem to come in waves, and there’s a been a heavy tide of misconceptions floating around lately (Yikes. Sorry for all the water metaphors. Totally unintentional), and I wanted to address just a few. Here then is a partial list of things that are NOT synonymous with unschooling:

No one was “left to his own devices” – People seem to have a general problem reconciling approaching education or life in any way other than the traditionally accepted format. They truly believe that if you don’t send children to school (and/or do structured “school” at home) that the children are then just all on their own, with no help, no guidance, no partners. Just yesterday someone used the word, “flounder.” That it wasn’t fair for parents to just let their kids flounder with no parental guidance. Gah. If you take nothing else from this blog post, please take this: Unschooling parents are not leaving their kids to flounder. We’re partnering with our children. We’re beside them. We’re helping them. We’re showing them. We’re answering them. We’re providing for them. We’re keeping them safe. And yes, we’re guiding them (as they walk down their own path though, not ours)

No one watched TV all day – It was turned on exactly twice. First, when I watched a couple of episodes of Friends to distract me while I was folding laundry, and later when Tegan asked me to watch an iCarly with her while she was still sleepy and waking up. Note: I wouldn’t care if they did watch TV all day, because I know that 1) it’s as valuable as anything else they may choose to do, and 2) any time they do do something literally all day, they get their fill and then move on to something else. But it very rarely happens. It’s just another option.

No one played computer games all day – Let me be clear. And honest. My kids spend a LOT of time on the computer. And it’s a good thing! This is 2015. But computers are used for so very many different things, and in so very many different ways, which is one of the reasons that I find terms like “screen time” to be so mind-numblingly frustrating. Yes, they play computer games, sometimes by themselves, but most often with others. They also answer emails. Talk to friends. Do research. Watch YouTube videos on a wide variety of topics. They read. They write. They create. The computers and the internet are huge, bottomless wells of learning. Yesterday, I overheard Everett (10 yrs) say to Tegan (not quite 7), when they were both using the computer, “Hey, how’d you learn to use an apostrophe correctly?” And she answered, “I don’t know. Mommy showed me.” I’m sure I did show her at some point, but she also learned from doing, because she wanted to be able to type with her friends while she played games. Because she wanted to be able to email with her cousins back east. Because she wanted to learn. She wanted to be part of this world we all live in.

No one was “undisciplined” or “unparented” – Everyone was safe. There were no forks in toasters, no playing in traffic, and no running with scissors. When I asked for help taking out the overflowing recyclables (my shoulder’s still not quite up to the task), they gladly did it for me. When it was time for Tegan to get ready for dance, and I asked her to wash her face and brush her teeth and hair, she did, happily. Those things just don’t happen unless they have self-discipline, and unless they have involved, invested parents.

The kids did not “run the house” – I think that people are so used to a from-the-top-down, authoritarian, “because I’m the parent and I said so” style of parenting that they mistakenly think that any alternative must mean that the kids are in charge, or that the home is “child-centric”. But it doesn’t work that way. Our home is FAMILY-centric. Our ultimate goal is to have a happy, healthy, cohesive home where everyone’s needs get met. Where everyone is respected. If something is not working (if, for example, the night owls are being too loud and infringing on the early bird’s right to a quiet, peaceful sleep environment) we address it, and we work to solve the problem in a way that’s mindful and respectful to all involved.

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And absolutely, I’m not at all saying that those things can’t or don’t happen. Sadly, they do. In unschooling homes and schooled homes alike. Permissive parents exist. Neglect exists. Abuse exists. But let’s call those isolated cases what they are. Let’s address those issues (and indeed, they do need to be addressed) rightfully on their own, and stop lumping them in with unschooling as if they were one and the same.

They’re not.

And as long as people keep insisting that they are, they’re missing out on truly understanding what unschooling (when done well, and done right) really is: in short, an absolutely beautiful and amazing and joyful way to live.

6 Comments

Filed under misconceptions, unschooling

November 10, 2014 · 1:18 PM

Being a Parent AND a Friend: Why I’ll Never Separate The Two

As an advocate of homeschooling, I forever hear the question, “But what about socialization?” and am inevitably filled with frustration. It’s not the asker’s fault of course, but it is a question born of a lack of understanding. A lack of understanding about homeschooling, and an even larger lack of understanding of the word “socialization.”

When it comes to parenting, the socialization conversation’s pesky little cousin tends to be, “It’s not my job to be their friend; it’s my job to be the PARENT.” Again and again it comes up on blogs, on parenting sites, and on social media.

“Be their PARENT, not their FRIEND.” No matter how it’s packaged, worded, or framed, it all says the same thing, and issues the same dire warning. Whatever you do, no matter how much you’re tempted, for the love of all that is good and holy, never mix friendship with parenting.

I see these words, and I hear these warnings, and I can never help but think of that ubiquitous line from The Princess Bride:

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

I’ve decided that people are just really, really confused about the meaning of the word, “friend.” That’s the only possible explanation I can think of for a why a person (or a lot of persons) would not only fail to see its importance in parenting, but actually deliberately EXCLUDE it, at any time, from their relationship with their children.

A friend is someone with whom you have a deep connection. Someone you respect, and who respects you. Someone you can trust, implicitly. Someone who encourages you, cheers you on, and believes in your dreams. Someone who has your back, no matter what. Someone who LETS YOU BE YOU. Someone who listens without judgement, gives honest advice, and always has your best interest at heart. Someone who has seen you at your best and your worst. Someone who isn’t afraid to call you out on your bullshit, and still loves you just the same. Someone who lifts you up when you’re down, catches you when you fall, and provides a port in the middle of your storm. Someone who, if you text to say “I need you” at 2 in the morning, no matter the reason, no matter the circumstances, will steadfastly respond “I’ll be right there.” Someone who, even when it feels like the rest of the world has conspired against you, is on your side.

I’m going to be that person for my kids. Every time, in all situations. With no disclaimers and no apology.

Why on earth would anyone choose NOT to be that person for their kids?

And I’m told I misunderstand. That when people say, “Be the parent, not the friend” that what they really mean is that you shouldn’t make decisions with the goal of getting your children to like you. But that’s not a friend. (And I’d also argue that if you’re doing/saying things that cause the people in your life not to like you, perhaps that’s something to examine in and of itself)

They’ll say that they aren’t going to be like peers who encourage or are silent about dangerous/unhealthy behaviors. But that’s not a friend.

They’ll say that as parents they need to do the hard stuff, and can’t be the “fun” one all the time… the one you get together with to lightheardedly hang out, shoot the breeze, or share a meal. And while there’s nothing wrong with easy relationships with pals like that if you choose it, that’s not a true friend either. A true friend is there for the fun and the difficult. The lighthearted and the serious. The laughter and the tears.

They’ll say that “Sure, sometimes you get to be their friend, but sometimes you have to “be the parent.”” Or, “Sure, you get to be their friend, but being a parent has to come first.” But being a friend isn’t something you do part time; or at least it shouldn’t be. It’s not something you take on and off like a sweater. That trust, that connection, that relationship should always be there, every time, in all interactions.

Finally, some people will tell me, “I’ll be their friend when they’re adults. Right now, I’m the parent.” And this to me is the saddest – and riskiest – of all. This is blunt, but…. there is a very very real possibility that if you don’t choose that relationship with your children now, that they won’t choose to have it with you when they are older.

“But, but….” they’ll say, “You have to guide! You have to protect! You have to show them right and wrong!” Of course you do. Of course you’re the parent. I have never once advocated for permissive parenting on this blog, and certainly am not going to start now.

Being a friend, and being a gentle parent, does not mean being a doormat. It means a partnership born of mutual respect, connection, and compassion… one in which both voices are heard, and both opinions carry weight. And for those times when one opinion needs to trump the other? Maybe someone is about to do something dangerous or foolish such as run into the street when a car is coming. This is something I hear a LOT, both in this conversation, and the spanking conversation. (“But how will they learn to stay out of the street??” And as an aside, I have four children who learned not to play in traffic, who have never once been spanked) It’s a silly argument. If one of my children were in immediate danger, of course I would respectfully intervene…. and I would do so as a responsible parent AND as a concerned friend.

If you forget the articles, ignore the experts, and tune out the noise, you realize that parenting is about a relationship. And it’s been the most intense, most meaningful, most rewarding relationship I’ve ever experienced. I can’t separate the friend from the mom because my relationship with my kids is BASED on friendship. The ultimate friendship. Deep friendship. Strong trust. True respect. It’s a friendship rooted in love and history (how many of your other friends have you literally known since they took their first breath?). It’s a friendship that’s at once simple and complex. It’s a friendship that’s often evolving and sometimes messy and always beautiful. It’s a friendship that’s peaceful and safe and familiar. It’s a friendship that’s profound and life-changing and pretty much indescribable to those who haven’t experienced it.

And it is always there, threaded through each moment, each word, and each interaction. Through the good times and the tricky times and the really tricky times. I will always be their friend, and they know this.

I am their friend.

And I don’t mean to minimize the relationship when I say that, because of course my relationship with my children encompasses friendship and so. much. more. So I’m not suggesting that a parent-child relationship is only a friendship, because it’s obviously more complicated than that.

But I tell you what…. it’s a heck of a good place to start.

14 Comments

Filed under gentle parenting, mindful parenting, misconceptions, parenting

January 21, 2014 · 10:52 AM

Piercings and Perceptions (Those people are SCARY)

A few weeks ago, Tegan (almost six at the time of this writing) got her ears pierced. She’d been toying with the idea for at least a year, but was nervous because she knew it would hurt. She talked about it all the time, and asked me lots of questions. My response was always the same. I wasn’t going to talk her into it, or talk her out of it. The only one who could make that decision for her body was her. “When you’re ready, you’ll know. And when you say, “when,” I’ll take you.”

That moment came just a few days after Christmas. Knowing that I wanted to take her to a skilled, reputable piercer who would use a needle rather than the guns used at places like the mall, I made a bunch of phone calls, and asked some friends who’d had their girls’ ears pierced. We ended up at a wonderful shop, with a kind and patient piercer who knew just how to calm Tegan’s understandable jitters. When we came in, the soundtrack to Frozen was playing, and she even had the guy at the front desk put on “Do You Want To Build a Snowman?” just as she was about to pierce, because she’d overheard Tegan say it was her favorite. How above and beyond is that?

Making it even more of an “event”, Tegan had not just her dad and I in her entourage, but also her grandparents who were visiting from Massachusetts. She’d wanted to share it with them, and they were happy to come along for the ride. It was a big, momentous day in her life, one that I was so excited to be able to give to her. We couldn’t have asked for a better experience, and Tegan is thrilled with her new earrings.

I’m thinking about it today because a friend just happened to share an article about why you should take your child to a tattoo/piercing shop (as opposed to the alternatives) to get their ears pierced. It wasn’t new information for me, but I read it with interest since ours was such a fresh experience.

When I was done, I read the comments, which were largely made by people like us… people who’d had great experiences, and were happy to share about it. And then there were a few that stood out, a few that said, (I’m paraphrasing):

I would never take my kids in to a place like that. People who work at those places look scary. I wouldn’t want my kids to have nightmares.

I grew up around such prejudices and similar attitudes about people with piercings, tattoos, etc. as well. I remember once when I was a kid, a woman visited our church with a sleeveless dress on that showed off a cute little flower tattoo on her shoulder. It was adorable (a million times tinier than any of the tattoos I would go on to get) and I was fascinated by it. But when it was mentioned later in my youth group, it wasn’t to talk about how pretty it was… it was to talk about what kind of “image” a tattoo is sending to the world…. a tattoo that we wouldn’t have even seen had she not been wearing a sleeveless dress, which, of course, sent its own message.

I decided somewhere along the way that I wanted something different for my own kids. That I didn’t want them to see people for their clothes or their hairstyles or their body modifications, but for who they are as people. I want them to assume, first and foremost, that most people are good. That most people are kind. That most people will treat them as respectfully as they’re treated in kind, no matter what their outer packaging looks like. In fact, one of the reasons I keep my dreadlocks even through those moments of “I’m cutting them all off!” desperation, is that they open so many doors for acceptance. It’s rare that we don’t have an outing that finds us talking about dreadlocks with all kinds of different people. Pierced, tattooed, modified, dreaded, shaved, dyed… all those people that moms like the one up above find “scary”… making friendly conversation and sharing kind words with strangers. Just like… well, just like the regular people that they are. Subsequently, there are few things that shock my kids appearance-wise.

That’s not to say though, that there’s anything wrong with a child being unsure or afraid of something he’s not familiar with. Not at all. Just a few months ago, we were at a museum when Tegan saw someone with some startling differences, things this woman was born with, that really scared her. I couldn’t fault her for feeling that way. How I could I? She’d never seen someone who looked like that before. What I could do was remind her, and myself, that it’s all just external. Just packaging. That beneath the exterior, we’re all the same. We’re all beautiful. Worthy of kindness, respect, and love.

So my response to those who wouldn’t want to expose their kids to those “scary” people would be this:

First, some of the nicest people I have ever met have been at tattoo shops. Truly. I’ve only had wonderful experiences at every single one of the shops I’ve gone to. My theory is that the artists who are tattooing and piercing are following a passion … people who follow their passions are happy … and happy people are nice people. Let down your guard, and let yourself see it.

And second, kids take their cues from their parents more than from anyone else. If we continue to avoid people who are “different”, they will continue to believe that “different” is scary. If we stay far away from the guy with the long dreadlocks, scoff at the guy with the coaster-sized gauged ears, and silently judge the girl with tattoos all over her neck, our kids will learn from our example. It starts with us.

It’s okay for kids to be scared or unsure when they’re first faced with someone who looks “out of the ordinary.” It’s not okay for us, as parents, to perpetuate it.

3 Comments

Filed under acceptance, judgement, kindness, labels, misconceptions, Tegan

June 27, 2013 · 6:00 AM

Just Wait Till Your Kids Are Teens

“Just wait till your kids are teens.”

“It’s different with teens, you’ll see.”

“You know what TEENS are like!”

The above are just a few of the (paraphrased) comments I’ve gotten from readers who don’t realize that I already have teenagers. They’ll be negative and condescending and almost … smug … when they say things like, “Maybe gentle parenting works now, but just wait until you have teenagers. You’ll be changing your tune then.” Or, “Ha ha, I can’t wait until your kids are teenagers and you get your wakeup call.” Or, “I used to feel the same way as you, and then I had teens.”

Now, setting aside the fact that essentially rooting for me to fail as a parent is a lousy thing to do, comments like this just further perpetuate the unfair negative stereotype that far too many people hold about teens. Teens are rebellious, teens are sullen, teens are entitled, teens hate their parents. Teens are rude, arrogant, eye-rolling, miscreants. Did I get them all? Society’s villification of teens is real, and it’s not okay.

If you expect teens (or really, anyone) to behave in a negative way, what kind of behavior do you suppose you’ll see? The negative!

The opposite is true as well. When you expect kindness… when you give kindness… you get kindness in return.

At the time of this writing, Spencer is 16; and Paxton, though he won’t technically turn 13 until August, has – due to both his maturity and the fact that he has physically towered over me for almost a year now – felt like an honorary teen for at least the past 6 months. I am enjoying them now as much as I ever have, if not moreso. And it’s not that I don’t enjoy the younger ages. I do. It’s just that there’s something really really cool about getting to relate to them on a whole new level, getting more and more glimpses into the men that they’ll become, and getting to watch as they grow into these cool, funny, thoughtful young adults.

It makes me sad to see such broad misconceptions about teens out there, and to see so many people accept it as a given that their parent/child relationship is going to suffer once puberty hits. It doesn’t have to be that way. And if you keep the lines of communication open.. if you talk with your kids.. if you LISTEN to your kids.. if you respect your kids.. if you give your kids space.. if you let your kids make choices… there is no reason to think or to assume that the teen years can’t be just as happy and fun and connected as the years leading up to it.

Are there bumps along the way? Are there new issues to work through, new growth to be had as a parent? Are there challenges? Of course! It’s a crazy time, being a teenager. There are big questions, and big feelings, and big ideas. There are raging hormones, and body changes, and new relationships… all to be dealt with with one foot still in childhood, and one foot reaching, reaching out into the great vastness of “adulthood.” I remember being a teenager well, and it was not easy. Nothing about it was easy. Wouldn’t it follow then that as parents we should be more kind and more patient and more compassionate during those years of transition instead of less? Instead of subscribing to this idea that teens are somehow “less than”? Instead of sighing and huffing and joining in on the common refrain of complaining about “these teens today?”

Shouldn’t we be embracing them?

As I sit here and look at those comments I opened with, I can’t help but think of the good that could come from reading them with positive intent instead of the way they were said to me:

“Just wait till your kids are teens.” Yes, just wait. You will love it! Teens are fun and interesting and full of great ideas, great insights, and great conversation.

“It’s different with teens, you’ll see.” Yes, very different. They use the bathroom and bathe all by themselves. They make their own sandwiches. They’re able to have big discussions about things like politics and religion and what happened on last week’s Dexter. They astound you with their maturity one minute, and crack you up with their child-like antics the next.

“You know what TEENS are like!” Yes, yes I do. Teens rock.

Anybody who’s fortunate enough to be able to parent or befriend a teenager is a lucky person indeed.

22 Comments

Filed under gentle parenting, mindful parenting, misconceptions, parenting, teens

June 17, 2013 · 6:00 AM

Does Unschooling Mean “Anything Goes”?

The other night after dinner, Mike and I were playing a board game with the two younger kids. Tegan was excited (she’d just won the lottery), and was dancing around in her chair. She stood on her chair at one point, and leaned over to hug her dad. She started to lose her balance, and after she’d righted herself, I said, “Could you sit down please babe? I don’t want you to fall.” Our table is counter top height, and our chairs are tall like bar stools. I know the terrible sound of a little head clunking against the unforgiving tile floor, and if at all possible, I’d like to prevent a repeat performance. She listened to my request, sat back down without an issue, and happily went on with her celebrating.

We don’t have any rules about standing on chairs. We don’t need to. Besides, standing on chairs is useful sometimes. I stand on a chair when I need to reach something high in the cabinet and one of the big boys isn’t around to help. Tegan stands on a chair when she helps me bake cookies in the afternoon. Mike stands on a chair when he needs to mess with the ceiling fan. I don’t doubt that Tegan will learn how to safely use a chair, just like her brothers before her because 1) I trust her, and I trust that as she grows and matures she’ll make good decisions, 2) I’m right there with her as she navigates the world… not to bark orders, but to guide, and to help when she needs it, and 3) Our relationship is such that if I do ask her to do or not do something with safety in mind (such as to sit down before she dances herself right off the chair), she trusts that I have a reason for asking, and she listens.

And that’s how radical unschooling works.

I’ve been thinking about this lot lately, because the misconceptions seem to be flying around with even more fervor than usual. “I would NEVER radically unschool! Kids need boundaries! They need limits! They can’t live a life where anything goes!” Just yesterday, someone said she was “repulsed” by the idea. And last week, when I shared this (excellent) article by Shamus Young, it was suggested that my advocating violent games was no different than encouraging my young sons to watch porn.

I’m not picking on the person who said that either, as it’s actually a fairly common leap to make. Not too long ago, the subject of porn was rapidly broached on a thread about… Dora the Explorer. The logic went like this: Dora uses witchcraft. Witchcraft is evil. Porn is also evil. Therefore, radically unschooling parents who embrace evil things like Dora for their young daughter might as well be embracing porn for their young sons.

(I’m going to give you a minute to let the absurdity sink in.)

Let me be really clear when I say this: Radical unschooling does not mean that there are no limits. It does not mean that there are no boundaries. It does not mean that anything goes. Life has all kinds of natural limits; every person has his or her own personal boundaries; and a home that truly was “anything goes” would be chaotic and stressful.. quite the opposite of the goal of unschooling.

What it does mean is making a conscious decision to step away from arbitrary, parent-imposed limits.

It means to stop placing limits and imposing boundaries based on your own fears.

It means to trust your children, and trust your communication, and trust your relationship.

It means to stop making unnecessary (and unhealthy) leaps in your mind, and to free yourself from that kind of thinking … from thinking that allowing your daughter to watch Dora and its “witchcraft” is going to lead to blood-letting rituals in the backyard … from thinking that accepting your son playing first-person shooter games is going to lead to his shooting up a school-full of kids … from thinking that not placing hard and fast rules about R rated movies will lead to your 5 year old watching The Hangover and your 7 year old watching 9 1/2 Weeks.

There is a big wide world of choices in between ALL and NOTHING.

One thing I hear fairly often is that people will “experiment” with radical unschooling, the kids will go wild (for lack of another term) and the parents will pronounce it a failure. But the problem isn’t unschooling. The problem is that if you take kids who are used to lots of control and lots of rules, and all of a sudden say, “Okay there are no limits now. Do what you want, when you want. I’m not going to tell you what to do”… of course they’re going to go crazy. Why wouldn’t they? Like horses who’d always been confined to a pasture, and are suddenly given access to acres and acres of rolling fields, of course they’re going to run. They’ll buck. They’ll kick. They’ll squeeze out every ounce of rebellion and adventure that they can, in fear of their new-found freedom being taken away.

Unschooling doesn’t work that way. Unschoolers aren’t afraid of their freedom being taken away. They also know that they’re not going it alone. They know that there’s nothing to rebel against, because their parents are beside them in partnership… helping them navigate, exploring with them, supporting them, listening to their desires, and helping to make them happen. They know that they’re safe, and they know that their parents will help them learn where their OWN boundaries are… and that those boundaries are a constantly changing and fluid thing, and not something that can be arbitrarily defined by anyone other than the individual to whom they apply.

At its heart, unschooling successfully is about the relationship. It’s about the open communication between myself and my kids. Knowing them. Knowing where they’re at, what they’re feeling, and what they’re thinking. Respecting them as individuals (and they’re all SO individual!), and honoring their differences. Spencer, who is 16 at the time of this writing, has long been interested in those true life medical shows and crime shows. Paxton, now 12, always found them scary… so out of respect to him, I’d make sure they were never watched in his presence. Mike and I will sometimes watch campy old horror movies, or shows with more adult themes (things like Breaking Bad and Weeds come to mind). But do we watch them in front of the five year old? Of course not. Little kids wouldn’t even be interested in things like sex or violence, nor would they understand it if they were – which is what makes the Dora/porn thing such an odd leap to make. Any parent that’s paying attention, whether they’re an unschooler or not, is going to know that 1) not everything that’s available is going to be appropriate for each and every person out there, and 2) that there is a big difference between something actually being inappropriate and/or harmful for a certain individual, and your making a knee-jerk reaction about it based on your own issues, hang-ups, or fears. If it’s the former, that’s where knowing your kids comes in. That’s where discussions come in. If it’s the latter? Then you’re living in fear…. which is not a healthy place for you, your kids, or your relationship.

No good parent – no matter what educational or lifestyle philosophy they believe in – is going to just sit back and watch (or more accurately, not watch) while their child does something that is truly harmful or damaging. To do so would be neglectful and permissive parenting (which, it stands to be said again: is the OPPOSITE of unschooling) My goal with my kids is to always be able to offer unconditional love and acceptance, to have a relationship built on trust, and to keep fostering our connection as a top priority… so that when an issue does come up – and it will, because no life and no relationship is all smooth sailing, all the time – we can recognize it.

We can recognize it, we can deal with it, and we can figure it out. Together.

20 Comments

Filed under misconceptions, trust, unschooling

August 20, 2012 · 9:23 AM

Television Without Fear

Thanks to Alice for another spot-on guest post!

I was raised without cable TV. Actually, there were long stretches of my upbringing where we didn’t even own a TV, until my aunt and uncle would come to visit and bring one of their (many) old black and white TVs that wasn’t being used in their house. Then we would be able to tune in the local channels, wiggling the rabbit ear antennas around until the fuzzy lines actually resembled peoples’ faces. Sort of. To give you a little perspective, I’m 36 years old at the time of this writing. My peers grew up watching Fame, The Cosby Show, Family Ties, The Wonder Years, and Beverly Hills 90210. And probably a lot more stuff I can’t think of because, you know, we didn’t have a TV.

Our TV situation was complicated even more by my parents’ prejudice against it; we could have afforded a TV, but it was beneath them. TV? No no, we’re readers. Even when we owned those secondhand black and white sets, we weren’t actually allowed to watch anything. The standing rule in the house was No TV On School Nights. If it wasn’t a school night, I could maybe watch something but there was a whole lot I wasn’t allowed to watch. On that list were innocuous things like Golden Girls (because Blanche Devereaux had indiscriminate sex). Over and over again, I heard how TV was going to turn my brain to mush, or rot my brain, or was a waste of time, or was junk. Why didn’t I read a book or go outside? As a matter of fact, turn off that TV and do something else. Sometimes I was allowed to finish whatever I was watching, and sometimes I wasn’t. (And just for the record, my parents were and are excellent parents. This post is not meant to malign or judge them.) Their rationale – that TV was junk – was the same thing I hear all the time from parents today, and at its core is fear. Fear that kids will somehow be damaged from TV; grow up too fast, become violent, materialistic, zombified, lazy, not smart. And when you view TV as the harbinger of all of that, of course you want your kids to spend little to no time watching it.

When a kid values something – anything at all, whether it be TV, sports, books, or Barbies – and their parents repeatedly tell them the thing they value is junk, it creates feelings of guilt and shame. I’m not speaking in hypotheticals here, or repeating something I read in a study.

I’m telling you that I found value in watching TV for many reasons, and was told my entire childhood that TV viewing was not worthwhile, and that created feelings of guilt and shame that lasted into adulthood.

It took until my oldest was 5 for me to find and fully embrace radical unschooling. There are no restrictions on TV viewing (or screen time of any kind) in our house. My kids are free to watch as much or as little TV as they want, and can watch any shows they are interested in. The only limits have to do with the fact that we are a large family with two TVs – it’s a rare occurrence for that to be a problem, and it is generally easily resolved. But what does it really mean to have no rules about TV viewing? What does the reality of that look like on a daily basis in my house? What if my kids want to watch TV all day? And what do I do if the kids want to watch something I think is inappropriate? And what about the materialism promoted in commercials?

When I say there are no limits to TV viewing in our house, I really mean just that. And it applies to computers and video games as well. My kids (8, 6, and 3 year old boys, and 1 year old twin girls) can choose to use or not use electronics in the same way they can choose to read, ride bikes, dig in dirt, build with legos, or anything else they think of. There is a stigma attached to using electronic devices that doesn’t seem to be applied to anything else, and it’s that stigma, and the associated fear that accompanies it, that motivates parents to place arbitrary limits on their use. When you view the world through that veil of fear, there’s so much to be afraid of. I don’t discourage my kids from talking to people they don’t know; the majority of strangers are nice people, and I’m right there with my kids should things seem to be heading in a strange direction. We talk to them about internet safety, but not to the point that they’re paralyzed with the fear of online predators. We talk to them about the kinds of images that you wish you could unsee, but can’t, and why that could be harmful; but not because we want them to be scared of the world around them. I don’t fear that my kids will become lazy, or unhealthy, or less intelligent because I’m right here with them, seeing for myself that they have a variety of interests that extend beyond screen time. Fear does not enter into our decision-making process for our family, and when you remove the element of fear, the need for arbitrary limits disappears.

I can already hear it coming: “If I let my kids have unlimited screen time, they wouldn’t do anything else all day.” Well, yeah. If you limit your kids’ screen time, and then all of a sudden one day you don’t, then of course they’re going to get as much screen time in as they possibly can. History has shown them that limits will most likely be in place again soon, and they’re going to take advantage of the reprieve. I know I would. When we stopped limiting our kids’ screen time, it did take a while for them to believe the limits weren’t coming back. And now? Some days, they’re on the TV and/or computer all day long. Some days, they don’t go anywhere near either screen. And that’s really what it looks like in a house with no limits. Screen time becomes just one more option in a whole world full of options. It’s not better or worse than anything else.

My kids can choose to watch anything they can find. That statement tends to shock people. But here’s what it doesn’t mean: it doesn’t mean that I leave them in a room alone with a stack of R rated movies riddled with violence and sex and encourage my kids to watch them. I know what my kids like to watch, and I know what would scare them, or bore them, or bother them for some reason they maybe can’t articulate. I’ve explained what the different ratings on movies and TV shows mean, and they frequently check them on new shows – not because they might get in trouble for watching them, but because it might be something they wouldn’t like. And if they’re not sure, they ask. The most important thing I can do is be there. I’m there to explain what a show might contain, or to read a description of it, or to suggest something they might like better. If they want to watch a show, but I think it might be scary or confusing, I make sure I watch it with them so we can turn it off if they want, or so we can pause it for me to explain something they have a question about. They have no interest whatsoever in shows with adult themes of love and sex, and I can’t imagine them tolerating even a few minutes of it. But at some point they probably will, and rather than forbid them to watch it I intend to watch it with them so we can talk about it together. (And I’m not talking about porn here, people. Work with me.) Let’s say, for instance, we happen to be watching Golden Girls and good old Blanche gets friendly with a gentleman caller. Perfect opportunity to discuss a whole variety of things with my kids! Just be there, and be willing to talk.

As for violence, I would argue that movies marketed to kids are way, way more disturbing than a lot of PG-13 movies. In one 5 minute stretch of The Lion King (which we watch a lot of around here), Simba’s uncle commits treason, then murder, then usurps the throne, and tries to have Simba killed. Right up until that point, everything had been love and roses. Pretty much every kids’ movie follows a similar formula. Everyone’s happy until some horrible tragedy, which the main character must then overcome. Whereas in a movie like Spiderman, everything is laid out a little more clearly. There are good guys, and bad guys; there’s a battle, then the good guys win. The end. Seeing violence in a movie does not encourage my kids to be violent. My kids are kind, sweet, gentle and friendly. They are peaceful because we as their parents are peaceful. My husband and I were watching The Hunger Games recently, and my 6 year old came into the room and asked what it was about. We paused the movie and explained the concept, and he said he wanted to watch a little. He watched a few minutes of it and was interested in the bow and arrows carried by the main character, and then he got bored and wandered out again. If he had decided to stay and watch, I would have spent more time watching him than the movie, to see how he was handling it and if we needed to stop watching. It’s really just that simple. We were there, and we were willing to talk.

Commercials and marketing and materialism aren’t an issue for us, mostly because – in an ironic twist – we don’t have cable. What we do have is an xbox, internet, a Netflix subscription and a Hulu subscription. We stream everything we watch through the xbox to our TV. Netflix has no commercials and Hulu (which the kids rarely watch) has about two 30 second commercials in a 25 minute show. But when we go on trips and stay in hotels, the kids see commercials. I’m not concerned that they’re being brainwashed into wanting things. If anything, my kids are totally annoyed by the commercials and talk wistfully about getting back home to “good TV.” I get really excited when I talk about how little we pay to watch TV (in fact I once received a call from a cable company who wanted me to pay for cable, and I’m pretty sure I convinced the salesperson to get rid of hers), but my point here is that while marketers do want to convince people to buy things, I just don’t feel it’s a major concern for us. We rarely see commercials, but the bottom line is that we are more influential in our kids’ lives than marketers. We are not materialistic, we don’t constantly shop for the latest and greatest things, and we talk to our kids about money and budgeting and consumerism. We talk to our kids.

Not too long ago, I wouldn’t have been able to say this without feeling guilty, but I love television. I love it. It brings the whole world into our home. I love watching shows that make me laugh, or cry, or think. I love watching shows with my kids, and seeing the things that bring them joy, or peak their interest. I love learning new things with them. I love the conversations we have that start from something we saw in a show. I love being able to show them countries that we will most likely never visit, or give them a televised preview of countries we hopefully will get to someday. I love that when they feel like lying on the couch all day and watching TV, they have the freedom to do that with no strings attached. I love that TV is just one more choice available for them in a whole world full of choices.

At this phase in my life with so many small children, I rarely have time to watch TV on my own. But someday, in what will feel like the blink of an eye although it will really have been years, my small children will be bigger. I’ll find myself with some free time, and maybe I’ll choose to read a book, or go outside. Or maybe I’ll choose to sit down on the couch and watch TV all day, without guilt or shame.

Alice Davis is an Army wife, mother of five, and probably the last person on earth who doesn’t have a blog. She loves to talk about unschooling, attachment parenting, and mothering multiples. In her copious amounts of free time, she sells custom baby hats, tutus, and embroidery in her etsy shop www.AlicesHandmadeCrafts.etsy.com.

(photo by videocrab)

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Filed under fears, guest posts, misconceptions, television, trust, unschooling

June 12, 2012 · 8:52 AM

Jesus Was an Unschooler

Sometimes the objections are loud and brazen: “Unschooling as a Christian is a SIN!” Sometimes they are cautious and confused, a quietly whispered, “Isn’t that… you know… unbiblical?”

Either way, they both stem from the same place: Fear. Fear and a basic misunderstanding of what the Bible does and does not have to say about education. The fact is, the Bible has lots to say about how we should conduct ourselves our Christians, lots to say about how we treat others….. and not so much to say about how we learn the three R’s.

And when we do look to the Bible for those answers? Like most answers, we need not look further than Jesus himself. And while he of course never had children of his own …

Jesus was an unschooler…

[Hop over to Christian Unschooling to read the rest]

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Filed under christian unschooling, faith, misconceptions, unschooling

December 13, 2011 · 9:07 AM

A Recipe for Disaster?

Today’s guest post was written by my good friend, Amy. I think it’s important to note that I did not twist her arm to write it (in fact she took it upon herself without my knowledge. She’s sneaky like that) But she did have to twist my arm to get me to post it. Not because it wasn’t lovely and well-written, but because it’s a very odd and somewhat uncomfortable feeling to post something like that about yourself and kids, written by someone else. I resisted, and she said “Jen, you have to post it.” So I am.

Here it is; her response to those who are sure I’m raising future criminals.

No spanking, no time-outs, no parent induced bedtimes, no formal schooling…….recipe for disaster, right?

Attachment parenting, gentle parenting, radical unschooling are all catch phrases currently moving into mainstream society. My friend and owner of this blog, Jennifer McGrail, is an advocate for all of it. This is how her children are raised and let me tell you about these soon to be criminals, drunks, and wife beaters………….. She is praised by many and criticized by few. This is written for the few, from the perspective of a family friend who can’t say she, herself, has always practiced the above parenting philosophies but has observed the behavior of the four McGrail children extensively.

Let’s start with criminal #3, age seven. My son belongs to the same Boy Scout group with #3. At one of the meetings a uniform inspection is on the schedule. There are about 10 boys and the leader warns parents in an e-mail beforehand that he will try to be quick because he knows how hard it can be for the boys to stand still and wait while others are being inspected. The inspections are done in an orderly fashion. Like the leader indicated it was hard for most of the boys to wait patiently, quietly and calm. Nothing abnormal about that, right? They are all young, active boys. Here is the abnormal part: The winner is #3 and here is why he is the winner. Judging the uniforms alone created many ties, so they decided to look at behavior in line to come up with a winner. Guess who won the uniform inspection? #3, because he stood still with arms to his side, without talking and messing around all with his best friend standing right beside him. He didn’t do this because his parents threatened him or prepared him for this. HE JUST DID IT! Because he has self inflicted ideas about how he wants to present himself. Because he is allowed to grow without criticism, coercion, and with trust that he will make good decisions with unconditional love waiting when he doesn’t. That was just one situation, right, so now I’ll tell you the other stories. The ones where because he has never had a time-out, or been told what he must eat and at what time or when to go to bed, or spanked, must mean he is a crazy kid running around with no idea how to behave and headed to jail at an early age. Sorry, but I don’t have any of those. #3 is just a typical 7 year old boy that tends to know how to control his own behavior.

Moving on to #2, age 11. He, all on his own, manages a server for an online game that other children play. Just like life this game has gotten messy because children, like adults, don’t understand each other, get over emotional and react without thinking. One such situation happened and it destroyed most of the server. All the hard work that had been done was gone. #2 was MAD, steaming mad!!! He retaliated by writing about it on a forum that would be seen by many. He was asked by his mother, “Do you feel better?” “YES!” he said. She left him with his yes, and didn’t say another word. I’m not sure I could have done this. I probably would have had to explain how this wouldn’t help the matter and being the bigger person can make you feel better and on and on, but she didn’t do that. Guess what, not very long after posting what would have probably made matters worse – and yes he had a right to be mad because someone destroyed his server – he deleted the comments and decided he was going to rebuild the destroyed server. On top of that, he even built a special house on the server for the very person who had done the destroying. This 11 year old did what most adults can’t do. HE JUST DID IT!

#1 is age 14. Oh no, a teenager! I certainly can’t have anything to say about this guy. If he has been raised without rules and grounding he is surely out there with one foot in jail already. Actually, this 14 year old enjoys talking to and discussing life with this 41 year old. He is comfortable talking to me and his mom. He doesn’t mind hanging with us and gets our opinion about friends, life and girls. I don’t have teens yet, but I remember the teen years being hard. #1 teaches that it doesn’t have to be SO DARN HARD. Every single time I am around him, and that tends to be several times a week, he says, “I love being me!” Seriously, how many people, let alone a teen, loves being them? As adults we read books, go to counseling, and attend workshops to learn how to love ourselves. This 14 year old just does. What a head start he has on life. His joy for life radiates to others as well. My daughter has quoted him several times with lessons she has learned from this 14 year old boy. She is loving herself because of him. I’m pretty sure he is never going to beat his wife. A person who loves himself doesn’t beat others.

Now to #4, age 3. She is a typical 3 year old. She gets tired, throws tantrums, annoys her brothers, shares, doesn’t share, hugs, kisses, calls names…… but no worries. She has five role models that love her unconditionally. I look in those big, brown eyes and I see pure love, not a criminal.

These 4 children are all typical children in many ways. And yes, there are many typical children out there doing extraordinary things just like these children. But raising children without rules, time-outs, spankings, grounding, etc. does not produce criminals, alcoholics, wife beaters…………

I realize this isn’t really written to convince those criticizers that this type of parenting is the right way. Their minds are made up. This is written to those parents that were like me 11 years ago. I was looking for a different way to parent from the mainstream spanking, time-out, and grounding type of parenting. In many ways I did parent in a different way and took criticism, but if I had read an article like this one or known Jennifer McGrail eleven years ago, I would have had the support to know my instincts were right for me and my children. We are a better family for knowing the McGrail family.

Amy Travis is a former teacher, and an unschooling mom. When she isn’t writing blog posts for other people, she enjoys throwing parties, making cake balls, and ~~forcing~~ encouraging this introvert to get out and be social every once in awhile.

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Filed under attachment parenting, gentle parenting, guest posts, mindful parenting, misconceptions, parenting, unschooling

November 9, 2011 · 6:00 AM

Megachurch Myths

We recently started going back to church after another year-long hiatus.

I really love our church.

I say that with emphasis in part because I just honestly love it that much, and also because it is a first for me. Having gone to church nearly every Sunday for my entire life, I never went to a church that I genuinely looked forward to. Never went to a church that I felt excited about. Never went to a church that I felt compelled to share with others. Yes, there were specific people that I grew to love, and certain aspects that I enjoyed here and there… but I never truly loved a church until now (and if I’m being honest, there were churches in my past that I not only didn’t love, but that made me outright miserable) Suffice it to say, my personal church history has made me very empathetic and understanding towards those who have sworn off church altogether.

The church we attend now is a huge church. It has over 17,000 attendees over the course of its 5 weekend services. It has a sprawling campus, separate children’s and teen buildings, a rocking worship band, a bookstore, a Starbucks, a cafe, an outdoor grill… all those things that for some reason make a lot of people really really uncomfortable. Those things that make people come to a snap judgment in their head, and offer up a categorical, “Oh it’s one of those churches.” We haven’t brought anyone to church with us recently, but we have in the past. And with a few exceptions, their reactions were undeniably (and strongly) negative. Which is weird, now that I’m thinking about it, because it would never occur to me to go someone else’s church as a guest, and follow it up with anything other than a “thank you for the invitation,” let alone a critique.

A think a large part of the problem is that in many cases, people make their minds up before they even step out of the car, based on preconceived notions and often times misconceptions. We all hold these prejudices about certain things, and these so-called “megachurches” like the one we attend are seemingly high on a lot of people’s lists. They’re judged sight-unseen because they’re …. too big. Or too impersonal. Or too irreverent. Or too much like a cult. Or something. And if you go into a church – or into any new situation or circumstance – already having pre-judged it, it’s going to live up to your expectations for better or worse, every time.

The following are some of the biggest misconceptions or myths about megachurches that I hear the most often, along with my responses. I’m just asking that you keep an open mind, and if you should ever find yourself a guest of a friend or a family member at one of these churches that you enjoy it for the unique experience that it is. Remember that they have chosen to call that church home for a reason, and that they’ve chosen to invite you for a reason too (and it’s really not to bring you over to the dark side.)

1. They are impersonal.

How can you possibly make personal connections in a church with literally tens of thousands of members? You show up. You talk to people. You join small groups. You volunteer. You get involved. Even just taking the kids to their classes every week, we are starting to see the same faces, and get the same familiar greetings. The pastor is outside the auditorium every Sunday before every service, greeting members, talking to people, throwing a football with a child, just like you’ll often see happen at a smaller church. Is it possible to remain completely anonymous, go to services, and go home without having talked to a single soul? Sure (although you’d admittedly have to be pretty rude and ignore the half dozen people that say good morning to you on the way from your car to the auditorium). But it’s a choice that you are making. It’s not the fault of the church! And it shouldn’t go without saying: I have attended small churches, with maybe 30 members, and have been utterly ignored. Yes, I could have initiated conversation, but when you’re a 20-something newlywed in a mostly older congregation, it is far more hurtful and uncomfortable to feel rejected by 30 people than it is to be an anonymous member of a church of 1,000’s, where at the very least you can count on an honest and friendly “good morning,” or “good to see you” on your way inside.

2. They are irreverent.

I went to another church once where was there a huge knock-down, drag-out (not literally) over whether or not it was okay to bring tables into the room that was used for worship, so that it could also be used for pot lucks. People got so upset about it, they left the congregation. The issue? Some people felt it was irreverent to eat in a room that should be reserved for nothing but honoring God. But here’s the thing. It’s just a building. That’s true if it seats 10 or 10,000. God just wants us to come to him. He doesn’t care if we do it from a small church or a large church or a mountain top. He doesn’t care if we’re dressed in jeans or flip flops or our “Sunday best.” He doesn’t care care if we drink our overpriced Starbucks coffees while we listen to the sermon. He just cares that we showed up.

Having said all of that… The rock-style praise music that you hear at the start of the service (one of the biggest things that makes people nervous, along with the fact that people sometimes bring their coffee into the auditorium) gradually gives way to slower, more reflective songs. When it’s time for communion – which undeniably IS a time for reverence – the room is quiet, the mood is appropriately contemplative, and everyone is able to partake in the manner that he or she finds most in line with their own personal interpretation of scripture.

3. They are all flash and no substance / They focus too much on entertainment

This is an odd one to me. Yes, I enjoy the music during the first third of the service. Yes, it’s nice that they turn it into a whole “experience” with the lights and the instruments and the video screens. They have talented musicians leading the singing, and they always choose great songs with meaningful lyrics. I appreciate it. I appreciate that I’m almost always guaranteed to laugh at least once during each sermon. I also appreciate the pretty grounds, and the big expanse of lawn where all the kids play between services, and the giant cross at the top of the hill. But that’s not why I go. I go because I know I’m going to be challenged each week, every week. I know I’m going to hear a lesson that’s based not on one man’s opinion, or on tradition, but on the Bible. I know that I’m going to learn a little bit more about what it truly means to “walk the walk,” and I know that I’m going to be given a practical and applicable “take away” that’s real and relevant in my own life, right now.

Similarly,

4. They preach a watered-down, “feel good” gospel.

First, the Bible is above all else, GOOD news. If you’re going to a church that has neglected to mention that fact, then I think you’re going to the wrong church. I’m sorry, but I do. It IS good news. It’s inspiring. It’s joyful. It’s filled with grace. But that doesn’t in any way mean that all that’s taught is airy-fairy, feel-good, watered-down, spoon-fed nuggets of fluff. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever been as challenged to grow as a Christian as I’ve been since we’ve started attending this church (and granted, that may have more to do with where I am in my own personal walk. But still) Our pastor never shies away from saying the hard things. Never neglects to give us the whole truth. NEVER fails to make me think, and think hard, about why I believe what I believe, and whether or not what I’ve always thought to be true is actually biblical. It even sometimes makes me uncomfortable, in the best way, because that’s how you grow. He preaches what we need to hear, not necessarily what we always want to hear. Last Sunday, the lesson was on materialism, one that cut incredibly close to my core. We’ve been worshiping money (albeit in a weird, opposite of materialism kind of way) and it’s wrong. I don’t know that I would have fully grasped how and why it’s wrong if I hadn’t heard that particular lesson on that particular day. And while it would always be nice to live in a carefree la-la land where I can get all worked up over money all I want, I’m now facing it. Precisely because my church does NOT preach a watered-down, feel-good gospel.

And speaking of money,

5. They cost too much money to operate / They must carry a lot of debt / They are wasteful of God’s resources.

I’ll admit, this one really, really bothers me. For many reasons. For one thing, the pastor of our church never set out to create this huge Super Church. That wasn’t his goal. He was simply heeding a personal call to evangelize. When he started this church in 1982, it met in a movie theater. As it naturally and organically grew, and they needed more and more seats, they began meeting in an elementary school, and subsequently rented other buildings until they were finally able to secure their own land and build their own building. As the church continues to grow, any time a need arises for new space or new buildings, the members all contribute their funds to make it happen. When we first started going, they were taking donations for the children’s building that our three youngest so enjoy every week. In fact we all got to write on the floor before the carpet was laid, as a dedication (which was pretty stinkin cool) The church is growing and expanding so much that they now have two campuses, and have helped start 11 other various churches as well.

When you consider that as Christians we’re supposed to be winning people for Christ, I have a hard time viewing it as anything but a GOOD thing that this church has grown to the size that it has. Churches are supposed to grow!! People are supposed to be getting out into their communities and ministering to people in need. People are supposed to be inviting their friends and family to church with them. I personally wonder more about the churches that don’t grow. The ones that struggle just to maintain their current membership year after year.

Oh, but the money!! The electricity, the lights, the water, the paper! Oh the waste! That money could be ministering to needy people in other countries.

Well, yeah, it could. And while I can’t speak for other churches of this size, the church that we attend is actually quite heavily involved in overseas missions. But the fact remains that this church is ministering to tens of thousands of people RIGHT HERE, who are then going out in to the community and ministering to tens of thousands more. That is no small thing!! Does it cost money to do it? Of course! And there are lots of people willing to step up and share that burden (or blessing, as the case may be)

6. They are churches of “convenience.”

The first time I heard this, it was in reference to the fact that there were 5 identical weekend services (although at the time there might have been only 4) But I’ve heard it in other ways too: The fact that you can go to the cafe and eat your lunch while you listen to the sermon on the big screen. The fact that the outdoor grill seating area has the Sunday morning ball games playing on its many TVs. The fact that you can sit in your PJs from the comfort of your home, and watch the video version of any sermon you happened to miss. In essence, we’re back to the spoon-fed, no-effort-on-your-part assertions from #4. Here’s my problem with that: If you’re going to minister to 17,000 people, you’re going to need to schedule different times to fit them all in. That’s not a matter of “convenience” but of practicality. Having two services on Saturday and three on Sunday gives people options, and allows them the best possible chance to get the most people to church to hear that week’s message (which, after all, should be the whole point, shouldn’t it?) As for eating in the cafe, and watching the service … well, as I said earlier, I really don’t believe God cares if we’re eating while we’re worshiping him. I actually happen to think God likes it when we’re always worshiping him… whether we’re eating or showering or paying the bills. The sports thing is a non-issue for me. I don’t watch sports. But I think it’s pretty darn cool for the people who do. I see it as nothing more than another chance to hang out with other believers, bonding over a common interest while you eat your freshly grilled frankfurter. And the video sermon at home? How awesome is it that in this day and age we have that option when we have to miss a sermon?! That’s not being spoon-fed. That’s using the technology given to us by God to further study his Word.

* * * * * * * * * *

When the Bible was written, some 3,000 years ago, there weren’t 7 billion people on the earth. There was no internet. No electricity, no running water, no sound systems, no video recording capabilities. There were no cafes, no Starbucks, and no bookstores. In other words, there is no sound biblical reason to support the flogging of a church simply because it employs any or all of the above. The Bible is silent on the specifics of modern-day worship facilities, because there was no practical need (or resources) for their existence. What is the Bible NOT silent on? Love. Joy. Peace. Patience. Kindness. Goodness. Faithfulness. Gentleness. Self-control. There are no perfect churches…. not big ones, and not small ones. But if your church is preaching – and more importantly, LIVING – these nine things, it’s on the right track, whether it has 17 members or 17,000.

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Filed under about me, church, faith, misconceptions, religion, spirituality

May 3, 2011 · 9:55 AM

My Sheltered Children

Shelter – (v) To place under cover. To protect.

Several weeks ago, I posted a call for people to share the most common myths and misconceptions they hear about homeschooling. That pesky lack of socialization was of course the first thing mentioned, but the list eventually grew. One thing that was offered was the objection that home schooled kids are “too sheltered” and it’s one I forgot about until I saw it in my drafts folder this morning.

Too sheltered.

First, I’d like to point out that strictly per the definition up above, we should want to shelter our children. As parents, it’s our job to shelter our children. There are a myriad of circumstances in which we need to protect them, keep them safe, and place them under cover.

But I’m aware that that’s not what people mean when they raise this objection… they mean overly protected, and overly sheltered. They mean kids who are raised in one tiny little sealed bubble, kids who are not able to venture out of said bubble, and kids who are missing out on the big wide world.

Now, I can’t pretend to know why everyone chooses to homeschool. But I do know, with absolute certainly, that my decision to keep them out of school was based on the exact opposite premise of wanting to make their world smaller.

I keep my kids out of school in part because I want to make their lives bigger, not smaller. I keep them out of school because I want to give them more freedom, not less. Freedom to explore, and learn from, the whole world. Freedom to choose who they do – and do not – spend their days with. Freedom to discover where, when, and how they learn best. Freedom to talk with us about what they do and do not want to be exposed to. I try to never make knee-jerk, unilateral decisions (ie: no, you can’t watch that movie because it’s rated R) but rather let each individual child be my guide. It hasn’t failed me yet. When my children are interested in specific ideas, plans, and experiences, we try to find a way to make it happen.

But surely, they’re sheltered from something by not being in school? Well, yes. They’re sheltered from the painful dread that comes with having to go to school every day when you’re being bullied, or teased by your “friends”, or unfairly singled out by a teacher. They’re sheltered from being required to sit through a class, or a semester, or an entire year of teachings that are not applicable to them, or are not in line with their own personal value system. They’re sheltered from spending all day, every day, in an environment that might not be best for them, in a multitude of ways. They’re sheltered from not being able to have any say in the people, places, and things from which they learn.

I surely make no apologies for sheltering them from any of the above.

Interestingly, when I went to dictionary.com for the above definition, I saw this sentence as an example of its usage:

Parents should not try to shelter their children from normal childhood disappointments.

This is something I see a lot. Similarly, I hear a lot of people say that kids need to go to school because they need to learn to deal with things like bullies.

Am I the only one who finds this an odd – and sad – justification against home schooling? First, I’m not really sure what “normal” childhood disappointments are, but life provides plenty of those on its own. Life’s sometimes bumpy. While I would love to be able to protect my children from all of life’s disappointments, I can not. Home schooled or not, sheltered or not, they know disappointment. It seems completely illogical (not to mention cruel) to actually make a point of ensuring that they experience their fair share, and ensuring that they experience more than what life will naturally give them.

As to bullies… Bullying is no joke, especially in this day and age of the internet, cell phones, and Facebook. I remember the pain of being bullied well, and I can’t even imagine what it’s like today. My being humiliated in front of a group of five girls, or even the whole lunchroom, is surely nothing compared to being humiliated in front of the whole school. Or a group of schools. Or an entire internet community. All it takes these days is one click of a “send” button. Bullying is a real and serious problem, one that’s contributing to the loss of self-esteem, loss of confidence, and loss of LIFE. Bullying is breaking children, all over the country, and in no way could I ever be convinced that that could be a good thing, or a necessary thing, or a rite of passage.

My kids have been disappointed, and my kids have encountered bullies: On the playground, at homeschool groups, in baseball, at Cub Scouts, on field trips. And they’ve handled themselves just fine, without ever having been subjected to the day in/day out torture that some children have to endure.

They are confident, and they are self-assured… despite their lifetime of being sheltered.

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