Category Archives: parenting

The Kids Are Turning Out Alright

I started this blog in December of 2004 (19 years ago!) It was mostly a day-in-the-life journal style blog back then, and has since morphed into… whatever it is now.

I’ve been thinking about those early days a lot lately, as we confidently step into a new season. All those babies I wrote about 20 years ago are now teenagers and young adults (at the time of this writing: 27, 23, 19, and 16) and life looks very different than it did back then. These days life revolves around driving my youngest to wherever she needs to go, and supporting them all through college, jobs, hobbies, moving, life, and relationships.

It occurred to me recently that to an outsider my job as a homeschooling parent is almost done. Which is weird, but not as weird as the fact that naysayers will now look to my children to see how they “turned out”… because of (or I guess, in spite of) their unconventional upbringing. It’s something I’ve heard a lot over the years: People seem to wonder or worry how homeschooled kids are going to turn out when they’re grown.

I have questions.

First, what does that even mean? Kids are human beings. They’re human beings RIGHT NOW, not at some arbitrary point in the future. They’re not a pot roast that you put in the crock pot, waiting for it to be done to see if it’s cooked properly. They’re people. Like the rest of us, they are forever growing and learning and experiencing life. They’re never “done” until they have no breath left.

Second, at what age do you determine that they have or have not turned out well? 18? 21? When they are grown and have children of their own? It’s arbitrary and silly. There is no magical age at which you can declare your job over. Parenting is for life.

But for the sake of this post – and for anyone with littles who might need the encouragement – here is how my children are turning out:

They are happy. They are living life out loud, pursuing their own individual goals, and have retained that sense of wonder and curiousity that served them so well when they were little. They also still know how to play, which is so so important for a balanced and joyful life.

They are kind. Seriously, these kids forever teach me (a lifelong major introvert who doesn’t always know what to do with the people around me) how to be kind, loving, and show grace to all.

They are smart. One of the coolest things about having four kids is getting to witness, and nurture, four completely different styles of learning, life interests, and skills. I get a front-row seat to watching them do the damn thing in their own ways, and I am so thankful for it.

They know who they are. I had no earthly clue who I was until I was in my 30’s. I did what I was told, tried to please everyone around me, and didn’t have a single unique opinion in my head. Didn’t know who I was, what was important to me, or what I wanted out of life. But my kids know, they stand strong in their beliefs, they work for what they want, and I so admire them for that. I will say for the sake of full disclosure that the one caveat to that is that it is somewhat tempered by the confusion that comes with being a teenager. Woosh. Being a young person (especially a 14, 15, 16 year old) can be HARD. They have something that I didn’t have at that age though: a certain je ne sais quoi that keeps them grounded, confident, and relatively unshakable. And when they do get shaken? They recover with grace. Every time.

They are good friends. To me, to their dad, to each other, to their peers. They love hard. They are generous with their care, their words, and their actions.

________________________________________

When I originally started thinking about this post, I thought that I’d be listing outward accomplishments. They are doing a lot of cool things! But I realized all of those things? The 4.0? The promotion to manager? The singing competitions? The ability to fix anything that’s broken? None of that matters as much as what’s above. (I’d actually argue that in the grand scheme, they don’t really matter much at all.)

I don’t know what my kids are going to do in the future, and I honestly couldn’t really hazard a guess. Life takes some weird and unexpected turns. Having decided that college wasn’t the right path for me when I was young, I then spent the majority of my 40s earning two degrees. Things happen. Plans change. We learn. We grow. I don’t know where their individual journeys will take them, but I am here for it. I’m here for all of it.

And right now? Right at this moment in time?

The kids have turned out alright.

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Filed under gentle parenting, parenting, unschooling

What If They Want To Play In Traffic?

I used to spend a lot of time on Christian unschooling forums. I was an old-timer, so I would answer questions, reassure newcomers, and point people in the direction of resources. I don’t really hang out in those places anymore because 1) I’m just in a different place in my life right now. My youngest is 15 (!), and my boys are all young adults. We’re just busy happily living our lives, and it’s not a priority of mine to spend a lot of my day talking about unschooling anymore. And 2) They all seemed to have a frustrating and reoccurring pattern that was quite honestly exhausting: Someone would create a post, or ask a (valid) question, and instead of sparking a mature conversation with give and take and listening on both sides, it would almost immediately be followed by a flurry of exaggerations, wild leaps of logic, hyperbole, and strawman arguments. To this day, my favorite example comes from a conversation about Dora the Explorer. My daughter was little, and a big fan at the time. Someone took issue with the “witchcraft” portrayed in the show, and before I knew what was happening, the discussion had devolved to the point of her comparing Dora to porn. There was no reasoning with her either. In her mind, and as fast as her flying fingers could type, she wanted us all to know that Dora = witchcraft = bad = porn = TERRIBLE PARENTS!

And to be clear, if you don’t want to watch Dora for whatever reason, that’s cool. What’s not cool is shutting down an entire conversation with what amounts to nothing more than fear mongering. Life is not black and white. It pains me that I have to say it, but there are many many beautiful shades of gray in between children’s television and porn.

I’ve been thinking of those old forums lately because of the reaction I got when I shared the above meme. It reads:

“Question for parents… If a partner or friend treated you like you treat your child, would you continue that relationship? This includes communication, emotional health, and your overall behavior/demeanor.”

Most people who commented saw it for what it was: a reminder to treat your children the same way you’d want to be treated yourself; to give them the same tender respect and care that you’d give to anyone that you loved. A few took issue with it though, arguing that since they were not dating their children it was an unfair analogy. And invariably came the argument that I have come to expect every time gentle parenting is brought up: We have to MAKE kids do certain things (usually with the threat of punishment). How else will they learn to stay out of the street??

It’s honestly a strange leap to make, and a tired retort. Of all the things my kids have learned over the years, learning to stay away from 4,000 pounds of moving metal was one of the easiest… no punishment necessary. We held their hands when they were little, talked about looking both ways, showed them what it looked like to be safe around the street. Etc.

But what if they just RUN into the street? What then? You wouldn’t treat them the same way you’d treat your spouse.”

Again, the leap is weird, but if it happened (I honestly can’t remember it ever happening), I would treat my kids the exact way I’d treat my husband if he was about to do something dangerous. I would shout their name to get their attention. I would alert them to the danger – using as few words as possible – and, if need be, I would take hold of an arm and/or otherwise try to remove them from the danger.

Kids are human, and just like their adult counterparts, they respond to being treated like humans.

But running into traffic is an extreme example, and not really applicable to day-to-to day situations. There is far too much “either/or” thinking when it comes to parenting. Ie: You have to force/scold/punish, or they will end up playing in traffic. This kind of thinking is unhelpful and disengenuous. The truth is that parenting is a relationship, and like any relationship it requires a dance of communication, listening – lots and lots of listening – and mutual respect. It requires understanding. It requires putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, seeing the situation through their eyes, and coming up with a solution together. Yes, obviously, if they are in mortal danger you would intervene, but wouldn’t that be true of anyone you loved? In most cases, you don’t have to immediately spring into action. You can stop…breathe…assess. You can choose from a myriad of options that are kind to you, AND kind to your child. Parenting is not/either or. It is not black and white. Parenting, much like life, is full of color, shades, and nuance.

The only caveat is that you have to be open enough to see it.

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Why the Egg Cracking Trend is not a Harmless Prank

I love TikTok. I start there, because when naysayers hear of things like what I’m about to write about, they’re quick to say, “See?! This is why I won’t use those apps!” But TikTok is full of lovely creators sharing useful, inspiring, educational, and just plain funny content. I follow a variety of people from those in the mental health field, to gentle parents, to nutrition and wellness creators, to dogs, to people who just make me laugh. It’s a great app.

It is also a weird place, where trends go viral, take hold, and make people lose control of their collective senses. If you haven’t seen it, the latest trend involves inviting your child (usually just a toddler) to “cook” with you, only to surprise them by forcibly cracking an egg on their forehead. This is usually followed by a confused and hurt child, a hysterically laughing parent, and a video that is splashed about as though it were entertainment. Proponents argue that it is a harmless prank, and that those of us who don’t like it need to lighten up. But it is not a harmless prank, and these are just a few of the reasons why.

1.  It hurts.  A few minutes before sitting down to write this, I cracked an egg on my own forehead, with 15 year old on hand as a witness. I figured if I was going to write about it, I should know what I was talking about. And you have to hit it hard! It was unpleasant, at best. There’s a reason why so many of the videos show the child screaming “Ow!”. It hurts. And I’d imagine it hurts that much more when it is unexpected.  Beyond that though, it hurts emotionally. It hurts feelings. I’d like to believe that most parents don’t want to deliberately hurt their kids. Jokes shouldn’t hurt.

2. It’s embarrassing. Nobody likes to be the butt of a joke. No one likes to be laughed at. While I did see a few videos where the child eventually laughed too, in most cases the adult was laughing while the child looked hurt, shocked, and confused. It is humiliating to be put in that kind of position, and I again don’t believe that most parents would want to embarrass their child.

3. It erodes trust. I think the saddest part to me is the fact that the whole premise is built on a lie. These kids are excited, looking forward to connecting with and doing a fun activity with their parent. More than anything, kids want to be involved, and to be invited into their parents’ world. The look on their faces when they realize they’ve been tricked breaks my heart: shock, confusion, and betrayal. The person they look up to more than anyone not only just broke their trust, but shared it online for clicks and views. Disappointment isn’t cute or amusing.

4. It’s bullying. This is literally the definition of bullying. The Anti-Bullying Alliance defines bullying as the repetitive, intentional hurting of one person or group by another person or group, where the relationship involves an imbalance of power. The imbalance of power is key. You are causing intentional harm to someone smaller, weaker, and more vulnerable than yourself without their knowledge or their consent. If you don’t want your child to be a bully, you probably shouldn’t show them how it’s done. It’s not okay to harm or intimidate someone just because (or especially because!) they are your own child. If they were older, or a peer, it might be different – depending on the kind of relationship you have – but by and large, this is something that is being done to young, young kids.

5. It’s only “fun” for one party. I’m not a big prank person in general (I’m not a fan of April Fools), and one of the reasons why is that pranks so often happen at someone else’s expense. The prank-er gets to laugh, and the prank-ee gets to feel embarrassed and humiliated. But it doesn’t have to be that way. A true harmless prank is fun/funny for everyone involved. There’s an old picture of my now 15 year old that she finds really funny. She was probably 5 years old in the photo, and it’s just an extreme close-up of her face, with a big goofy grin. Every April Fools it is printed out and put in various places around the house… under toilet seats, inside cabinets, on computer monitors etc. It makes everyone laugh when they stumble upon it. That is a harmless prank. I’ve seen some kind-hearted mothers perform a twist on the egg trend and let their kids break it on their heads, or ask if they want to see them break it on their own heads. Mom and child both giggle at the absurdity, and no one is made to be the butt of the joke.

6. It encourages hitting. This is perhaps one of the weirdest ones to me. This “prank” is being done to kids who are 3, 4, 5 years old. These are kids who are still learning how the world works, how to get along with others, and how to resolve conflicts. Why would anyone want to show them that it’s okay to smash something on someone’s head, whether it’s in the name of a joke or not? Sure it’s “just” an egg. But what’s to say it will stop there? Maybe a remote control, or a Matchbox car, or a rock would be just as funny.

And please hear me when I say that I don’t think most of the moms doing this mean any harm. They truly do feel it is a silly, lighthearted prank. But any prank, any joke, any kind of mischief is only a win if everyone is laughing. Everything else is just a giant miss.

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My No. 1 Secret To Raising Happy Successful Kids

I recently read an article titled, Pediatrician Shares No. 1 Secret to Raising Happy, Successful Kids. Even though my kids are grown, or nearly grown, I still like to read other people’s takes on parenting. So I gave it a whirl. Read it if you’d like, but a major spoiler is incoming.

His secret?

Chores.

Huh. I wasn’t expecting that, I’ll give him that. And I don’t have any super strong feelings about it either. Chores are… neutral to me. I’ve never required my kids to do chores, but they all do them, simply because it’s part of life. Want clean dishes to eat off of? You’ll have to wash them. Want fresh clothes? You’ll need to throw in a load of laundry. Want to keep your kitchen hygienic and free of bugs? The trash has to go outside. I do the majority of the inside chores, mainly because I tend to have the most time, and Mike takes care of the yard work. If we need or want help? We ask. No more simple nor complicated than that. It’s just chores.

What the article did do though was get me to thinking about what my own answer would be. If someone asked me what my biggest parenting tip was, what would I say? My first thought was respect, followed by treating them how I’d like to be treated. But even those were more specific than what I wanted (and speaking of specific, I think that was biggest head scratching factor of the chores for me. Of allll the things to say, chores are just so oddly specific. But I digress.)

I finally decided when I boiled it all down that the ONE place I would start is this:

I treat them like people.

Which, if you’re like me, might sound really silly. Of COURSE they’re people. What else would they be? It really shouldn’t be a radical thought. But unfortunately there is a (rather disturbingly) large segment of society that very much does NOT treat children like people. What do they treat them as then?

Objects, existing to serve some purpose to the adults.

Dogs, to be trained.

Computers, to be programmed.

Lesser beings in general.

But they are people, from the moment they are born. Yes, they are still growing and learning and discovering how the world works, but they are people. Yes, they may stumble and fall and need more assistance at various points in their life, but they are people. Yes, they will look to us for guidance on sense of sense, relationships, how to navigate the intricacies of navigating life with other beings, but THEY ARE STILL PEOPLE. Right now, at whatever age they’re at.

They are people, deserving of respect and dignity and a sense of autonomy. They deserve to know what it’s like to love and be loved. They deserve to live out loud… to think, feel, and express themselves the way they feel is best.

When we begin by looking at our kids for what they are: fellow humans trying their best to do the human thing, everything else tends to fall in line. They have their own unique wants, their own needs, their own goals, their own dreams, their own personalities, their own strengths, their own insecurities, their own interests, their own preferences, their own idiosyncrasies. The list goes on. And our job as parents isn’t to squash all of that into a perfect kid-shaped box, but to nurture and embrace it. To let them be exactly who they are, with no qualifiers and no apologies. THEY get to choose the shape of the box.

When you hold a fellow human in high esteem (which I would certainly hope would be the case for your children) you naturally treat them well. You treat them in ways I mentioned up above. With respect. In the manner that you want to be treated. You help them. You support them. You listen to them. You offer them true companionship and honest advice. You’re their biggest cheerleader, and their gentlest critic. You help them be the best human they can be. And that is true regardless of their age. I am 49, and I’m still learning about being a better human from the people I trust and admire, and I know that it is no different for my kids.

So the secret to raising kids that are happy? Successful? Respectful? Kind? Recognizing their humanness. And responding accordingly.

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The Problem With Punishment

I recently read a Facebook post by what I’m assuming is a young mom, tired and frustrated, looking for suggestions on how to get her kids to listen. She said she was at her wit’s end, and that every interaction with her children was ending with her “screaming like a psychopath” until they did what she wanted them to do.

99% of the comments were invariably the same, and were some iteration of this:

Punishment. And if that doesn’t work, more punishment. And if it STILL doesn’t work… more punishment. The mom answered that she had tried punishment, and more punishment, and that it always ended with her yelling. Believe me when I say my heart goes out to this mom. I didn’t respond to the post (mostly selfishly, because I’ve really been getting my feelings hurt on Facebook as of late), but if I did, I would have said this:

It’s so hard. Anyone who says that parenting isn’t hard sometimes is either not doing it right, or lying. Parenting is a relationship, and like any relationship it takes work. And don’t get me wrong. My relationship with my kids is the single most beautiful and rewarding thing in my life by far. By far. But we’re humans, not robots, so there are hills and valleys. Bumps along the way. Sometimes there are problems that we don’t know how to solve.

But punishment is not the answer.

For one thing, as this mom has seen, punishment doesn’t work. If it did, the behavior would be fixed, and punishment would no longer be needed. There wouldn’t be kids who were continually spanked, or put in time out, or perpetually grounded. They would “learn their lesson” the first time. At best, punishment can curb a behavior temporarily, because it feels unpleasant, or because of shame, embarrassment, or fear of it happening again. Once the moment is over though, it’s back to business as usual. It doesn’t actually teach anything.

That’s not why I don’t punish though. My relationship with my kids is not transactional. I don’t input a certain stimulus, expect a certain response, and wait to see if it “works.” Relationships are far more nuanced than that. And our kids are people, not computers to program.

The reason I don’t punish is that it literally does the opposite of what I (and I would imagine, most parents) want from my relationship with my kids. It drives a wedge. It brings you further apart instead of closer together. It erodes trust. It creates fear, anger, and resentment…. not things I want to purposely bring to any relationship that’s as important as the one I share with my kids.

So does that mean I ignore behavior that’s unsafe/unkind/generally problematic? No. It means I lean in. It means I 1) take the time to figure out what’s going on. Behavior doesn’t exist in a vacuum. What is the “why”? Once you have a why, you can work on solutions. And 2) Connect. Engage. Listen. Empathize. Treat them how I’d like to be treated myself. Take them by the hand and show them through my actions how things can be different.

Punishment is something you do TO your kids. Healthy discipline is solving a problem with your kids.

I want my kids, of all ages, to feel comfortable coming to me when they have a problem or make a mistake. I want them to trust that I will help them and support them, without criticism and without judgement. I want them to trust that I’m a safe space to fall.

And that trust that I’m looking for will never, ever come from punishment.

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Saying Yes: The Teenage Edition

Earlier this week, I was at the gym when I got the above text. 18 year old was at school and had one class left. I was just finishing up and about to head out the door. He’s not driving yet, so I serve as his Uber a few days a week. His college is about 20 minutes from the house (which leaves an awkward amount of time if I bring him there then go home in between) so my usual Tuesday routine is drop him off, hit the nearby gym, run errands if I need to, go to Starbucks, then pick him up.

I love getting requests like that. For one thing, they serve as a simple little moment of connection that brings me back to planet Earth when I’ve gotten too wrapped up in All The Things. Beyond that though, they give me a chance to do something nice for someone I love. They give me an opportunity to make someone else’s day just a little bit better. They allow me to continue the practice I started when the kids were all bitty:

Saying yes.

Despite the world’s insistance that, “Kids need to hear the word no!” I have very much based a large portion of my parenting philosophy on the exact opposite premise. I say yes as often as I am able. I say yes with abandon, and my relationships with my kids are all the better for it. One thing I’ve learned as the kids have gotten older is that while the asks change, my answer doesn’t have to.

We’ve just transitioned from “Can I have the blue cup?” and “Can I stay in the bath five more minutes?” and “Can I jump in the mud puddle?” to “Can you bring me to Josh’s for D & D tonight?” and “Can we get the stuff for me to make a pie this weekend?” and “Can we go thrifting after class so I can get a costume for the Renaissance Fair?”

Yes. Yes. And yes.

We recently got to say yes to a very big ask when Everett came to us with a study abroad opportunity. The answer wasn’t exactly immediate (studying abroad costs a bit more than a pistachio creme steamer) but I knew as soon as he asked that I wanted to be able to give him that yes. What a cool opportunity! I told him that we’d talk about it, and I told him that I’d love for him to be able to go. We got more details, we figured out logistics, and last week we paid his tuition. He’ll be spending the month of June in Ireland, and I am so, so excited for him.

And please understand, I recognize there’s a certain amount of privilege involved in some “yeses.” Sometimes we simply can’t say yes. Sometimes yes is easy – and free! But sometimes it means money, and money is finite. Truth be told, there was a time when the Starbucks request would have been too much on our budget. But whether they are 6 or 16, we can still empathize with the asker, take their requests seriously, and hold space for their interests, even when we can’t say yes right away.

“That’d be really cool. I can see why you would want that.”

“We can do that after payday.”

“Let’s put it on your wishlist.”

“We can check Facebook marketplace!”

“Are there scholarships available?”

“Let’s brainstorm ways to earn the money.”

“Maybe we can use the tax return.”

Etc.

The world can – and does – tell my kids no. But I never want to be that person for them… the one that stands in their way, that dismisses their desire, that minimizes their interest and dreams. I want to say yes, to the best of my ability, no matter the ask, large or small. And when I can’t immediately say yes? I want to be the one to help them problem-solve, to listen, to support, and to be their soft place to fall.

Whether the request is a drive across town, or a trip to another country.

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Five Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Having Teens

My oldest became a teenager twelve years ago, and my youngest (of four) is now 14. We’ve been at this teen gig for awhile now. And while society’s common teenage refrain tends to be a negative one – “Just wait till your kids are teens!” – I am finding myself appreciating the teen years more and more as time goes on. Here are five things I wish someone had told me before I had teens.

1. It doesn’t have to be the battle everyone says it will be. This is a stereotype that needs to die… the sullen, rebellious teenager whose main mode of communication is rolling their eyes and slamming the door… the fights over friends and curfews and clothing choices… the disrespect, the backtalking, the “I hate you” phase. It doesn’t have to be that way. No, teens are not perfect (no age is perfect), but given respect and freedom and autonomy, the transition can be a relatively smooth one. I have thoroughly enjoyed and appreciated all four of my kids as teens, and I actually think it’s one of my favorite ages. Teens are cool. They’re fun, they’re smart (more on that later) they’re funny. No longer dependent on you to fix their snacks and put them in the bath and pack their sippy cups, you get to relate to them on a whole new level. It takes some patience – there’s a whole lot of growth and big changes happening all at once – but if you can navigate the teen years as their partners instead of their adversaries, it is so, so worth it. Teens are awesome.

2. It’s okay to be their friend. I have written several times about being friends with your kids (you can read two of them here and here), but I think it’s never more important than it is when they are teenagers. Your teens need a good, faithful friend. Someone they can rely on. Someone they can come to with good news and bad. Someone who will give them honest advice. Someone who will listen, unconditionally. Someone they can laugh with, play with, have conversations with. Being a teen can be hard, but you can be their soft place to fall. Same age peers sometimes come and go, but you get the privilege of being a constant, someone they can count on no matter what. I credit a lot of different factors for having a good relationship with my teens, but being their friend is near the top of the list.

3. They’re like big toddlers. I mean this in the best possible way, so hear me out. One of the things I find most endearing and fascinating about toddlers is the way they are straddling two worlds. One moment they are still your baby, and the next they are strongly asserting their big kid independence. “I do it myself!” is a refrain that’s familiar to anyone who’s ever had a toddler. They are learning about testing their own limits, and about stepping out of their comfort zone. They’re learning about how good it feels to make some decisions on their own, and test of the waters of autonomy. At the same time, they have the safety and comfort of knowing they can be back in your arms at any time, and that you’re still their protector if life gets overwhelming or scary. Teenagers are the exact same way. They’ve got one foot firmly in adulthood, while the other is still a child that sometimes needs to seek the safety and familiarity of Mom. Both are valid, and both are okay. I love seeing both of these sides of my teens, and I’ve learned to be flexible as I never know which one I’m going to get. One minute they’re making big decisions about college and jobs and who to vote for in the upcoming election, and the next they’re letting us hold their hand while they cry. I am here for all of it.

4. There will be times they are smarter than you. There’s a stereotype that says that teens think they “know everything.” And while nobody knows everything, today’s teens are smart! I’ve learned that I sometimes need to humble myself enough to defer to them, and to recognize that sometimes they know more than I do. Whether it’s current events, how to handle a complicated social situation, or the ins and outs of that fancy new app, I am constantly learning from my teens. It would be counter productive and disengenuous to assume that I always know best just because I’m older. Kids, especially teens, know so much more than they’re given credit for. It is a pleasure and a privilege to be able to learn both with them and from them.

5. It will hurt when they move out. Two years ago, our then-20-year-old decided to move out and get his own place with a couple of friends. A year later he got married. And yes, we’d raised him to be confident and independent. He was ready. We were ready. But… it hurt. I wish someone had warned me how much it would take my breath away when he moved out. That as happy as I’d be for him, that a part of me would also have to mourn and grieve. While you’ll always be mom and dad, the dynamic changes completely once they’re out on their own. They’re working, they’re doing their own shopping and their own laundry, they’re making their own plans, they’re seeking their own healthcare. You’ve given them their wings, and your role as their parents is more different than it’s ever been. I am so thankful for the close relationship that we still have, one that has transitioned from a child and caregiver role, to one that’s respectful of his new independent adult life. I’m glad he still comes home, I’m glad he still texts us with news, I’m glad he still enjoys accompanying us out to eat and to ball games and to escape rooms. But the parenting landscape completely changes once they move out, and once you’re done grieving you have to be flexible enough to change with it.

Having and raising teens is one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done. I’m more proud of my teens (and young adults!) than I’ve ever been of anything in my entire life. Parenting teens is not always easy, but very few things in life are. Some days are hard. But is it worth it? To check your ego at the door, and accept and respect your teens for all their complicated, constantly growing and changing perfectly imperfect glory? Yes. Yes. A million times, yes.

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Filed under attachment parenting, gentle parenting, mindful parenting, parenting, teens

8 Battles I Won’t Pick With My Kids

There’s a post making the rounds on Facebook about eight things the author believes are battles worth fighting (re: things he believes you should force them to do.) It came from a twitter post by a man named David Morris, and you can read the whole thread here.

As with most mainstream advice, I disagreed, and what follows is his list along with why I choose to do it differently.

Standard disclaimer: I don’t know the author, and this post is not about him but rather about the ideas he espouses. I don’t believe in picking battles with my kids, most especially not the eight things listed below. I would far rather live in harmony with them, show them through my words and actions what kind of person I want to be, and by extension what I hope for them and their lives as well.

I will not “battle” over any of the following:

Reading – Mr Morris believes you should make your kids read. To be fair, a lot of people believe you should make your kids read. But why? And I say this as an avid fan of reading. Reading is a tool, like any other. It’s a useful tool, to be sure. Reading opens the door to information, imagination, and inspiration. But it’s just one tool. There are many others. Some people like to watch videos. Some people like to listen to podcasts. Some people like to get hands on instruction. All are useful. All are valid options. Reading is not inherently more laudable than any other tool at our disposable. I have four kids, and they all have different relationships with reading. Some read for pleasure, some read for information, some read the news, some read fanfic. All are okay, all are acceptable. I refuse to be a reading snob.

Going outside – Make your kids go outside, he says. There they will find “discovery, wonder, peace, and joy,” and we need to make them go outside to find it. And absolutely, there are great things to be had in going outdoors. Hiking in the desert is one of my all time favorite things to do. But no one ever found peace in being forced to do something. No one ever found joy in a choice that was foisted on them by someone else. Going outside is one option of many. As with any activity that I enjoy, I might share, invite, and even encourage my kids to join me. But I would never force.

Work – None of my kids have ever been forced to do chores around the house, but they have all helped anyway. Why? Because we’re a family, and we work together. When I’ve wanted or needed help, I simply asked. (And when I say I asked, I literally ASKED. They had the option to say no.) Nine times out of ten, they happily helped. And that ten percent? The times they were busy or tired or simply not in the mood? There are times I’m busy or tired or not in the mood too. It’s part of being a human. As for translating into a work ethic in the real world: My 21 year old got his first full-time job about a year ago. He worked hard, was always on time, and was promoted to manager in less than a year. My 14 year old recently got a job of her own volition too. She works hard, is always on time, and has received nothing but praise from her manager and co-workers. I think they’re doing okay.

Eating meals together – This is a little weird to me. In our house, we do usually eat dinner together. The exceptions would be when someone is working, sleeping, playing a game they can’t/don’t want to break from, or some seasons when sports or activities made our schedule wonky. But we have plenty of friends who rarely eat dinner together, because life or preferences dictate otherwise, and they find other ways to connect and come together. There are lots of opportunities for sharing and connection in 24 hours. There’s nothing magical about sitting around a dinner table at a certain time.

Boredom – Make your kids live with boredom, Morris tells us, because they need unscheduled time. While I definitely agree that there is value to be had in unscheduled time, there is nothing wrong with helping a bored child find something to do. My kids rarely complain about being bored (because they too see the value in unscheduled time), but when they do we brainstorm together. Want to play a game? Watch a movie? Go for a walk? Sometimes boredom leads to other activities, creativity, and enjoyment, sometimes it leads to downtime, and sometimes it leads to nothing more than sitting in the boredom for awhile. Either way, it’s just another feeling to be had and dealt with, and certainly not something worthy of a battle.

Making your kids go last – The idea behind this one is that we challenge the “me first” attitude that he claims most kids are plagued with. We need to let them know that “the world doesn’t revolve around them,” because “most kids will elevate themselves above all others.” Wow, did this ever make me sad. What a mean-spirited and pessimistic way to look at children. What I’ve observed in my own children and their friends is the exact opposite. They are some of the most selfless and giving people I know. And you know how to raise selfless and giving kids? By being selfless and giving! By showing them what it looks like to put others first, not last. By treating them they way you’d like to be treated. I wouldn’t deliberately put anyone else I love last just to teach them a lesson, so why would I do it to my kids? I want my kids to see me caring for others, taking care of the people around me, being mindful of other people’s needs. And the best place to start is in the home, with them. As for the “me first” attitude, caring for yourself is important, too. The beauty of instilling a sense of kindness and compassion in your kids is that it extends to themselves too. They learn the importance of taking care of others, and the importance of self-care as well. Kids who are confident and feel good about themselves want others to feel good, too. It is a win-win.

Awkward conversation – Sure, I’ve had awkward conversations with my kids, just as I’ve had awkward conversations with other family, friends and loved ones. It’s just a part of life. It’s important to communicate, and sometimes communication is awkward, or difficult, or uncomfortable. But the kind of conversations he is talking about – sex, dating, body image, values – are conversations that are born out of an open and honest relationship, not something that is forced or put upon them against their will. My goal is to keep an open line of communication with my kids, so that they know they can come to me with questions, concerns, or just to talk something through. I’ve found the best way to do that is by first listening, not talking. Yes, there are, and will continue to be, times where they need to hear my words. But listening comes first, not the other way around.

Limitations – Ah yes, limits! A favorite of mainstream parenting advocates. We’re told “screen time limits, dietary limits, activity limits, and schedule limits are all good.” And don’t get me wrong. Limits are important. We all operate under a certain set of limits. But the limits that work for us, the limits that feel comfortable and doable, are instrinic limits, not limits forced on us by other people. It’s true of adults, and it’s true of children. The rub lies in trusting, partnering, and helping our children when it comes to limits, rather than imposing limits from our own arbitrary toolbox. What works for one child may be completely different for another. There are as many solutions to the question of limits as there are people. To use a few of his examples: diet, activity, and schedule are nothing if not personal. When given a supportive hands-on parent, and the freedom to do so, children learn to trust their bodies, their brains, and their own internal cues to tell them when they’ve had enough… whether it’s video games, sleep, or Flaming Hot Cheetos. Helping our children recognize and create their own limits results in balanced, healthy lives. Forcing children against their will results in resentful kids that will rebel as soon as they get the chance.

My primary goal when it comes to my kids is to treat them with kindness, respect, and the same amount of care I’d show anyone else I love. These relationships are the most meaningful I will ever have, and are not something I take for granted. Choosing force over partnership, and control over trust has no part in a healthy relationship… including, and especially, when it comes to my kids.

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When I Won’t Mind My Own Business

Yesterday, I posted this meme on my Facebook page. I think it’s important to make the dangers of spanking an ongoing discussion, so I never hesitate to share resources when I come across them.

The very first comment said this: (*edited for grammar and punctuation.)

Stop trying to tell parents what to do with their children. If they’re not being abused you need to mind your own business.

Now, it stands to be said that this meme was not aimed at that woman, or at any one person in particular. It was about the concept of spanking. If you read a meme like that, and feel defensive or angry, I’d gently suggest that you examine why. If you’re confident that your own choices are correct, why would it bother you? You don’t know me, you don’t know the meme author… what does it matter what we think?

Beyond that though, there are some fundamental flaws in this argument. First, no one is telling anyone what do to do. The meme is sharing information. What you choose to do, or not do, with that information is up to you.

Second, and far more important, is this idea of “minding your own business.” There are many, many facets of parenting in which we should mind our own business, to be sure. It’s none of my business whether you work or stay home, or how you choose to educate, or what kind of religion you practice, or how your kids dress, or what they eat, or where they sleep or whether or not you breastfeed. If they are safe and cared for, you are absolutely correct. It’s none of my business.

Here’s the thing though. Spanking is not a parenting issue. It’s a human rights issue, and we should ALL make it our business to care about human rights issues. Children have the right to be safe from harm in their own home. They have the right to bodily autonomy. They have the right to expect kind and gentle and loving discipline that does not include laying of hands on their body. Hitting should never, ever be conflated with love. There’s a reason why it’s called assault to hit another adult. Physically assaulting another person is wrong (especially when that person is young, small, and/or defenseless), and we know this.

We know this.

And I can’t help but think that people wouldn’t get so defensive about it if deep down they didn’t know it was true.

Mistreatment of marginizalized members of society (and children are about as marginalized as they come) is something that we should all care about. It’s something that we should ALL make our business. Children can’t speak for themselves, so someone has to do it for them. Spanking is harmful, and people need to know about it. And to be perfectly blunt about it, I don’t care if you don’t think it’s my business.

When we learn of fellow human beings being harmed? It’s always our business.

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Why I Allow My Teens Phone Freedom

Photo by Brett Sayles from Pexels

At the time of this writing, my kids are 13, 17, 21 and 24.

(Give me a minute while I stop and digest that. Whew. Okay.)

The 21 and 24 year olds are adults – and one of them is married – so while I would absolutely have a conversation if a situation arose, or if they asked for help in some way, my involvement is different from that of their siblings. And as adults, their decisions are their own.

As for the teens, the general narrative that I’m hearing lately tells me that I should be limiting their access, disallowing things like TikTok, checking their messages, and essentially living in fear that the big, bad, boogeyman of the internet at large is going to swoop them up, right under my nose.

But I’m not afraid.

And don’t get me wrong. I have a healthy amount of respect and caution for all things internet and social media related. Yes, they can be misused. Yes, they can hold dangers. Yes, they can be harmful.

Here’s the thing though. I have much more confidence in keeping my kids safe if I’m helping them navigate these things, rather than forbidding and/or controlling them. Why? Because forbidding them is going to ensure that they won’t talk to me about it in the future. It makes it more likely for them to feel like they need to hide things from me. It makes it more likely for them to seek out those activities in private (at school, at friends’ houses, on a secret phone…) without any guidance or input at all. Instead of encouraging conversation, it halts it. If I give them a blanket statement about it being “unsafe”, it will inevitably lead to distrust when they eventually learn that the internet and social media can be wonderful tools that help keep us engaged, informed, entertained, and connected.

I don’t remember how old any of my kids were when they got their own phones, as we didn’t wait for any specific age. Rather we waited for them to express an interest, to show that they were ready, and to demonstrate that they had the maturity and skill set to use it safely.

That does NOT mean – and I feel it’s super important that I say this expressly and clearly – that they were handed phones, told “have fun”, and then left alone. On the contrary, we were extremely involved, right from the start. We became their friends on Facebook, we followed them on Instagram. We talked. And we talked, and we talked, and we talked some more. We kept an open line of communication, so that when bobbles happened (and there have been a couple) they’d know that they could come to us, and we could help them work through them safely and effectively. They know they can come to us about anything, and that we will listen to them, without judgment, and without condemnation.

The best part? The transparency means I get to be invited into their world. I get to hear about the friends they’re talking to, the things they’re watching on YouTube, their favorite TikTokers, the games they’re playing. I get to be there. As I write, my 13 year old sits beside me, scrolling through TikTok and occasionally pausing one to share it with me. She always shares the things she posts too (and she is hysterical), and I pride myself on being the first one to like them. At 17, her brother isn’t quite as forthcoming as she is, but I still don’t worry. The conversations are still open and honest, and sharing comes easily. Just this morning he shared something personal that he absolutely didn’t have to share, and I knew – and deeply appreciated – that he still considered me a safe person.

You can’t keep your kids in bubble wrap. You can’t keep them from all potential harm. What you can do is walk through life beside them, with trust, respect, and communication, with the hope and the confidence that when it’s time for them to fly alone, you’ll both be ready.

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