Category Archives: rant

May 25, 2015 · 1:09 PM

I Won’t Throw Stones… Unless You’re LGBT

Two fast points right off the top:

This is going to be long.
This post was originally going to be about something else.

The whole thing started with Bruce Jenner. He had just done his interview with Diane Sawyer in which he discussed his transition from male to female. I didn’t watch the interview, for no other reason than I wasn’t particularly interested, but from what I understand, Bruce is happy now, after denying who he was for a long time. I’m a big champion of people following their own path, and being their own authentic selves, whoever that may be. So I say… Go Bruce.

Shortly after the interview aired, Matt Walsh posted an article in which he was being, well… Matt Walsh… calling Jenner “a sick and delusional man.”

Partially in response to Walsh, Jarrid Wilson then wrote a really lovely and grace-filled blog post, reminding us that as Christians, our job was really nothing more than to extend love and compassion to Bruce Jenner, like we would to anyone else. It always amazes me when people want to refute a call to love, but refute it they did, complete with admonitions that we have the responsibility to call people like Bruce Jenner out on their sin, and that we need to “speak the truth in love” (which, by the way, is one of the most awful things I think Christians say… right up there with “love the sinner, hate the sin.”)

So – at least in conservative Christian circles – Walsh was praised and Wilson was condemned.

Bruce Jenner IS WRONG! It’s disgusting! It’s A SIN! We need to tell him! We need to tell EVERYONE! Let’s shout it from the rooftops! The world is going to hell!

And sure, they’ll recite their “love the sinner, hate the sin” rhetoric, but make no mistake… nothing about the anti-LGBT crusade is loving. Its whole entire reason for being is to hurt and condemn: the adult equivalent of the old grade-school tactic of putting someone else down to raise yourself up.

Of course, it’s not like this is anything new. This has been going on forever. I’ve been writing about this forever. But there’s just been SO MUCH of it lately. Just a couple of days ago, I received a several-paragraphs-long email outlining in great detail how unkind and unloving I am to advocate for being more loving towards LGBT folks. (??) I’m damning them to a life in hell, she tells me, because by not calling them out on their sin, I’m taking away their opportunity for a chance of redemption, which is the most hateful thing I could possibly do.

It’s not the first time I’ve received a message of that sort – apparently writing about issues of faith seems to invite people to try to judge me/save me/throw Bible-verses-as-weapons at me – but given the current societal climate it irked me.

I’m frustrated. I’m exhausted. I’m angry. I am so indescribably tired of this unfair and hateful treatment, thinly veiled in “biblical values”, towards this one specific segment of society.

So that’s what I was going to write about. How it needed to stop. How people needed to take a step back, gain some perspective, and focus on their own sin. Think it’s a sin to be in a homosexual relationship? Don’t be in one. Think it’s a sin to have gender reassignment surgery? Don’t get it. But this constant persecution is damaging and hurtful and pretty much the opposite of anything that Jesus ever espoused.

Then something happened. And now I’m more disgusted with the culture of mainstream Christianity than I think I’ve ever, ever been.

The details are still surfacing, but it’s come to light that Josh Duggar (of the infamous 19 Kids and Counting Duggars) molested 5 young girls, four of them his siblings, over the course of 3 years when he was a teenager. His parents, though aware of the abuse, did nothing about it for over a year. When they did finally deal with it, they did so by keeping it “in house.” He was disciplined by his father. He got a “talking-to” by a police officer friend who never pressed charges (an officer who is currently serving jail time for child pornography). He met with his pastor who helped arrange some sort of supposed rehabilitation in the form of living with yet another family friend for a few months and helping him perform physical labor.

This seems as good a time as any to point out that sexual assault is a serious crime, and should be treated as such … not merely “dealt with” at home.

There are so very many things wrong with this scenario, and how it was handled, that I don’t even know where to start.

But oh how Christians are defending the Duggars!!!

Josh Duggar shouldn’t be vilified. He was just a kid.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

He made a mistake, and he said he was sorry. Who hasn’t made mistakes as a teen?

He was just young and curious.

They dealt with it in their family, and it’s not our place to judge them.

People are being way too harsh and judgmental.

Judge not lest you be judged.

People in glass houses….

They were an inspiration before, and they’re still an inspiration now.

I’m ……. Seriously? Are you kidding me?

So, same-sex attraction is such a vile thing, such a pertinent issue to address, that people feel compelled to write to me (some random heterosexual internet stranger who just happens to believe that people have the right to love who they want to love), to warn me of its dangers….. but molestation of young children, a teenaged boy fondling the genitals of his baby sisters, is shrugged off as a teenaged “mistake”… it’s not our place to judge… how dare we cast stones at this upstanding Christian family!….. And after all he did say he was sorry……

My level of disgust is matched only by my confusion. How do you defend a child molester? How do you justify freely throwing your proverbial stones at someone because of their sexual orientation, yet demure because of a sudden sense of self-righteousness when it comes to a beloved Christian family that happens to includes a son who sexually violated children?

And don’t misunderstand. I’m not advocating for the stoning of anyone. My point is not to publicly flog the Duggars. Actually what I think should happen now that this has been made public is that the whole family should be investigated, and that someone should ensure that the children are currently safe, and that they have received, and are currently receiving, the needed support. Based on the teachings of some of the people the Duggars follow, I don’t think it’s unlikely that there is lot more going on behind the scenes that we don’t know about. Such deviant behavior generally doesn’t exist in a vacuum, and if Josh Duggar was indeed a victim as well, he too should be receiving appropriate counseling that will address it.

What we SHOULD NOT DO is continue to sweep his crimes under the rug and excuse them as mere childhood curiosity. We should not defend this “good, Christian family” as if they’re somehow people we should emulate. We should not stand sweetly behind a philosophy of “Oh it’s not my place to judge” when it comes to something as vile and heinous as child molestation and incest.

HE SEXUALLY ASSAULTED CHILDREN. His parents knew it was happening. I’m going to judge.

Is he genuinely sorry? I don’t know. Has he been forgiven by his victims? I don’t know. Has he been forgiven by God? That’s between him and God. But I’m not going to sit here – as a Christian, as a human, as a parent of both boys and a little girl – and excuse what he did.

And the fact that the very same people who are doing the excusing are the people who have no problem standing on a soapbox in judgement of the man who works hard all day and just wants to come home and kick back with a beer and a TV show with Adam instead of Eve…. is a hypocrisy of the most disgusting kind.

You’re essentially saying:

Homosexuality = bad

Child Molestation = eh, everyone makes mistakes.

I have never been as disillusioned and disappointed with the current state of the institution of Christianity as I am right now. I love God. I Love God. I am an all-in, whole-hearted, unabashed follower of Christ (even if I never share those stupid Facebook posts that start by attempting to shame you with “99% of you won’t pass this on”……) I will always be a follower of Christ. But this? Defending the actions of a child molester, while railing out the other side of your mouth about “sick and delusional men” just because you can’t personally relate to their path? That’s something I’ll never be a part of. If I had any remaining sliver of hope that there was a place for me in the whole of American Christianity, that hope is gone.

God, save me from your followers.

22 Comments

Filed under faith, headlines, hot topics, hypocrisy, rant

March 25, 2015 · 3:08 PM

An Open Letter To Phil Robertson Supporters

To my fellow Christians,

I’ve never been a fan of Duck Dynasty. Let me just admit my bias right up front and start there. I watched the show once – well before all the controversial headlines – and I would rather walk barefoot through a forest of Legos than be subjected to watching it again. But people have different tastes, and I understand that. And when you find a TV show or an artist or a public figure who you can relate to in some way, it’s a powerful thing. I think as a Christian, there’s something particularly alluring about seeing a fellow believer in such a prominent way in mainstream society. And I understand that too.

Hey this is a cool! This guy’s on this popular quirky reality show, and he’s a strong believer! What a nice change of pace!

I think we all want to feel we belong to something larger than ourselves. We want to feel that we FIT somewhere. So when someone like Phil Robertson comes along, with his beard and his ducks and his “good biblical values”, people desperately latch onto him….. and they hold on so tight that they can’t even see what it is they’re grasping.

Oh how ardently people defend him!! But what I’ve come to realize is that it’s not HIM they’re defending so much as the idea of the Christian ideal that they (mistakenly) think he represents. We should encourage and support and defend the rights of those who are putting themselves in the public eye as a representative of Christ-like behavior. Absolutely.

The problem is….. his behavior is pretty much the antithesis of Christ-like love. I’m literally embarrassed that Christians are so steadfastly standing behind this man, hailing him as a role model for Christian values. I have to ask, because I just cannot understand, even a little bit….

Seriously? THIS guy? THIS is who you choose to hold up as an ambassador of our faith? THIS is how you want to represent Christianity?

Honestly, it’s no wonder that so very very many people are turned off by religion.

This is a crass, vulgar, hate-filled man who made graphic comments about what kind of sex gay people must be having, as well as comparing homosexuality to bestiality and stating that AIDS was God’s punishment for immorality. This is not Christ-like!! (In case you’re wondering, you can find out what Jesus actually had to say about homosexuality here.)

He blames STDs on “beatniks and hippies.” Sex apparently is a very big issue for him, as it’s something he rails about often.

And most recently, he recounted a graphic, disturbing hypothetical story (pulled from his own imagination, for reasons I fail to understand) about atheists getting raped and murdered in their home.

Again, I have to ask: THIS GUY?

Now, I’m one of those rare Christians who doesn’t believe that homosexuality in and of itself is a sin (and honestly, even if I did, I have better things to be concerned about then who someone else is attracted to) but even if we disagree on that, can we agree that vulgar and hate-filled rants aimed at gay people are not the answer?

I have many atheist friends whom I love dearly, and I don’t think it’s my job to convert them. (I think it’s my job to LOVE them, and to live out my own faith to the best of my ability) But even if we disagree on that, can we agree that graphic fantasies about raping and murdering entire families of atheists are not the answer?

Can we agree that if we’re really going to represent Jesus, we need to start with LOVING people, instead of damning them all to hell?

Can we agree that if we’re going to hold someone up as a role model for our faith that it should be someone who models kindness, and grace, and actual love towards mankind?

My fellow Christians, I think we need to take a collective step back, and take a good long look at what it is we’re doing, how we’re representing Christianity, and who we’re hailing as our heroes. For me, I’ll look to Jesus for my example. But if you need a human example, there are people out there to emulate. There are kind people, loving people, people who use their platforms to spread positivity, not hatred.

I ask you though, in all sincerity, to stop looking for them on Duck Dynasty. Stop telling yourself (and others!) that Phil Robertson’s words or actions represent the true nature of Christianity, because they do not. He doesn’t represent the God that I know. He doesn’t represent the Jesus that I know. He doesn’t represent any of the loving, giving Christians that I am privileged enough to call friends.

The state of American Christianity has gotten so far off the mark that I don’t even know that it is fixable anymore. I see the worship and admiration of people like Phil Robertson, and I genuinely fear that we’ve lost our collective heads all together.

Let’s bring humanity – and some common sense! – back into our faith. Let’s give a little more effort towards “loving your neighbor as yourself”, and a WHOLE LOT LESS credence to sad, confused reality stars who are bent on persecuting others.

Sincerely,

Fed Up and Frustrated

18 Comments

Filed under faith, hot topics, rant, religion

February 28, 2015 · 8:53 AM

Dear Parents: Don’t Be Assholes

Last night, before I went to bed, I read another article about the latest parent to publicly shame their child as so-called discipline. Because the parent’s humiliating and degrading behavior was not enough on its own, photographic evidence of said “discipline” was then splashed about on social media as though it was entertainment. Thousands of other wounded parents banded together to clap their collective hands. “Bravo! Way to stand up and be a parent!!”

Different parents, different places…. but it’s the same story every time. The first parent does something really cruel and hurtful to their child, they share it for the world to see, and people laud them as parent of the year. The first parent then feels vindicated in his or her behavior, and scores of people feel proudly right in their wrongness.

You guys, I am so very tired of this.

And I learned after the 5th or 6th time that it happened, that I can’t open up a dialogue about it either. Doing so inevitably leads to my getting chastised for judging, and – ironically – my getting shamed for shaming the parent for shaming the child. And I’m so very tired of that too.

Because it’s not about shaming a parent. It’s not about one specific parent at all. It’s about having the conversation, the important conversation, that starts with:

Hey. Do the right thing. BE NICE TO YOUR KIDS.

And yes, I understand that we need to have compassion for these parents as well. As someone always reminds me, “Hurt people hurt others.” Absolutely. These parents’ friends and loved ones need to be reaching out to them, and they need to be helping them with tools and alternatives. They need support. Perhaps they need therapy.

But the thing is, someone also needs to be a voice for the children, who society just won’t give a voice of their own. And if I have to choose between standing up for the children and possibly stepping on a few toes, or staying silent to spare feelings…. I’m going to choose the children. Every time.

There’s a time for niceties. There’s a time for soft words and understanding and back-patting.

There’s also a time for honesty.

There’s a time to tell people to grow up, to get real, to deal with their own issues, and stop freaking taking them out on their kid.

We’re all coming into this parenting gig with baggage. God knows I’ve got my own issues to deal with. We’ve all been hurt. We’re all wounded. But the days are ticking and our kids are growing up no matter how we treat them. We’re never going to get back this time in their lives. There is no time for tip-toeing. Kids should not have to pay the price for our refusal or inability to deal with our own crap and move on from our own old wounds.

We have to do right by our kids. Period. Full stop.

A friend of mine has adopted the wonderfully succinct parenting motto of “Don’t be an asshole.” I can’t help but think if more people informed their parenting with that philosophy in mind that the world would be a softer, kinder, gentler place. Don’t be an asshole to your kids.

Don’t like the word choice? Call it something else. Call it the Golden Rule. Call it doing unto others the way you’d have them do unto you. Call it treating your kids the way you’d like to be treated. Call it whatever you want, but do it.

Yes, deal with your own issues. Yes, give grace to yourself. Yes, offer yourself forgiveness for past mistakes. Yes, reach out to others who can support you and help you in your efforts to do better. But be nice to your kids. For all the flowery advice and philosophical waxing and wordy prose can be boiled down to that one simple phrase. That’s where it starts. That’s the first step to more connected, more compassionate parenting.

No more excuses, no more bullshit. Just a decision. Right now, today:

Be nice to your kids.

14 Comments

Filed under parenting, rant

October 22, 2014 · 5:44 PM

If You Can’t Say Something Nice: Learning to Keep Quiet About Others’ Appearance

Judging others makes us blind, whereas love is illuminating. By judging others we blind ourselves to our own evil and to the grace which others are just as entitled to as we are.
― Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Guilty.

Let me just start there. I’m not proud of it by any means, but I’m guilty. Someone will post something about some celebrity’s plastic surgery, and I join in the collective rubber-necking. I look at the pictures. I shake my head. I lament the obvious poor decision making skills of the individual, and/or the ethics of the doctor who would commit such atrocities.

Or on a more intimate – and shameful – level, I’ll do it at the grocery store. Assuaging my guilt by telling myself, “Well it’s not like I’m saying something to them“, I’ll make snap judgments about the skirt that’s too short, the top that’s too revealing, the fit that’s so unflattering. It’s amazing the vast amount of ways your brain can tempt you (in just a fraction of a second!) into unkindness.

I’ve been convicted as of late to stop this. To make a conscious decision to no longer engage in such an ugly practice. Ugly, by the way, is not a word I use lightly. NEVER appropriate to use about someone’s outside appearance (I do honestly believe that everyone is beautiful in his or her own way), actions can be ugly. Thoughts can be ugly. Words can be ugly.

And feeling the need or the right to critique another person’s face or clothes or waist size or boob job? That’s ugly.

The past couple of days my Facebook newsfeed has been awash with new pictures – complete with commentary – of a popular actress. People can’t seem to leave her alone. And it’s not her acting that they’re talking about, or her new movie, or her work at all. No, her crime is at once more basic and more insidious.

She dared to go out. In public. Looking…. different.

Good grief, what is wrong with us?

Of all the things in all the world to discuss, we choose THIS? Whether or not some celebrity we don’t even know has had plastic surgery, and how, and why, and to what effect?

I’m tired of it. I’m tired of it in myself, and I’m tired of it in other people. It’s not nice to criticize others. It’s not nice to play judge and jury about someone else’s appearance. I could sit here and talk about society and self-esteem and acceptance and what a bang-up job we’re doing at sabotaging ourselves… but sometimes starting with the basics needs to be enough. It’s simply not nice, and I don’t want my kids growing up to think it’s okay. I don’t want my kids growing up with a mom who inadvertently SHOWS them it’s okay!

And so, I’m challenging myself – and if you’re reading this, I challenge you too – to make the decision to stop. For 21 days (not only for 21 days, but because 21 days is widely regarded as the length of time it takes to form a new habit), I’m going opt out. Opt out of reading the articles that focus on someone else’s appearance. Opt out of the discussions about someone else’s looks. Opt out of any mental commentary on someone else’s clothing choices .

We’re better than this; I know we are. We can have real discussions about important things. About kindness, about beauty, about joy….. not about someone’s lip injections. We can laugh about life’s absurdities and foibles and whimsy….. not about someone’s haircut.

We can judge each other not based on:

dress size

body modifications

hairstyle

clothing choices

make-up technique….

but on character.

And those times when we catch ourselves? When we’re tempted with unkindness, when gossip becomes too alluring, when we truly don’t have anything nice to say? May we be the change we want to see, and not say anything at all.

1 Comment

Filed under hot topics, rant

April 7, 2014 · 10:07 AM

Whatever You Did for One of the Least of These… Some Thoughts About World Vision

Alice is a 6 year old girl who lives in Rwanda. She has big brown eyes, her favorite thing to play is ball games, and she likes to sing.

Jordan is 4. He lives in Ecuador, has a sweet smile, and loves to play soccer.

Dominic is an 8 year old from Ghana. His pictures show a gentle soul. His favorite pastime is rolling tires, and his favorite thing to learn about is science.

All of the above are real children, waiting to be sponsored through World Vision. I share this with you not to make you feel guilty. The truth is, I don’t sponsor a child. In fact, I’ve never personally sponsored a child through World Vision or any other organization. We’ve mostly chosen to give our money locally, and/or to causes or people that we know personally. Also, the decision to sponsor a child is a commitment, one that needs to be honored, month after month. Making such a commitment wasn’t always the best choice for our family, especially during the months and years that we ourselves struggled to make ends meet and put food on the table.

Now though, I’m seriously considering it. Not just in response to the recent fallout, but also because I think we have a responsibility…. not just as Christians, but as living, breathing, caring human beings who share this planet… to step in and help those who are less fortunate, especially when they’ve been turned away by others. Of this, I am sure. And I’d certainly like to think that the vast majority of people reading these words would agree. We’re here to help each other.

So where on earth did we go wrong?

Here’s a bit of timeline, for those who are unclear on the details:

On March 24th, World Vision (an organization started and run by evangelical Christians) announced that – after much deliberation over the years – their new hiring policy would allow them to hire those in same-sex marriages.

Over the next 48 hours, they were inundated with messages, phone calls, and Facebook posts from angry Christians who disagreed with their decision, and who promptly pulled their sponsorships and support of World Vision.

On March 26th, faced with dropping sponsorships in the thousands, the people of World Vision felt they had no choice but to officially reverse their decision.

All told, 10,000 children were abandoned by their sponsors.

I truly don’t think I’ve ever been as heartbroken or disappointed by my fellow Christians’ behavior as I am over this. And make no mistake. This is not about homosexuality. This is about people hurting hungry kids to make a point. This is about taking food from the mouth of a child to take a theological stand. It’s about people who are clinging so tightly to a belief…. so desperately… so stubbornly… that they’ve completely lost sight of what it is they are holding. How sound is your theology if it causes you, in any way, to take food from a hungry child? How is it showing God’s love if your stance against a group of people – any people – is so great that you’re literally willing to use an impoverished child to make your point?

What difference does it make if Rachel in payroll is married to a woman??

10,000 kids. I’ve already heard people saying, “Oh that number must be exaggerated.” I do tend to trust the number, especially since it was given by the president of World Vision himself, but for the sake of argument let’s say it’s exaggerated. What if it was “only” 1,000? Would that be okay? What if it was 100? 10? What’s an acceptable number of hungry kids left without a sponsor?

The Bible tells a parable of a lost sheep, and a shepherd who so loves and cares for every individual sheep that he will leave 99 sheep behind to go find the one that is lost. (Matthew 15) Every person is important. Every life is important.

But the more I think about this, the more I realize that the “lost sheep” in this scenario are the ones who honestly believed that the Christ-like thing to do was to take their money away from these children. I have no other way to reconcile this in my mind. Those people are lost, and I don’t know how to reach them.

I hear a lot of comments to the effect of, “What’s the big deal? So they’ll just take their money to another organization whose morals line up with their own.” Well, first of all, you won’t find one. These organizations are made up of people… imperfect people, every one of which is going to do something in his or her own personal life that you deem inappropriate. Second, and most importantly, it’s not just a hypothetical, abstract organization that you’re pulling away from. It’s a child, with a name, and a face, and a real need that you were filling.

It’s Alice from Rwanda.

It’s Jordan from Ecuador.

It’s Dominic from Ghana.

I’m tired. I’m tired of these difficult conversations. I’m tired of trying to explain something that’s unexplainable to my kids. I’m tired of people using a God that I love to defend some pretty horrible things. There are so very many shades of grey in this world, but this isn’t one of them. God does not approve of turning your back on a hungry kid. Jesus does not approve of turning your back on a hungry kid. In fact, it is the absolute opposite message of that very same Bible that you’re using to justify this.

“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

I am devastated right now. I am angry. And to be totally honest, my first reaction when I heard about all of this was truly, “I. Give. Up.” But I know that’s not the answer. Now more than ever is the time to stand together… Christians and non-Christians alike. Gay, straight, conservative, liberal…. everyone who can see this situation for what it is, and to recognize that there was a clear right and wrong here. Stand together, speak boldly, and say,

“No more.”

10 Comments

Filed under church, faith, hot topics, rant

February 24, 2014 · 6:00 AM

And They’ll Know We Are Christians by Our Arrogance, Judgment, and Intolerance

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

Jesus replied: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.

(Matthew 22:36-40)

I grew up in a small, conservative church in New England. It’s been many years since I’ve gone to that particular denomination with any regularity, but the hymns we sang every Sunday are forever burned into my consciousness. I remember one song, the touchy-feely emotional type that I outwardly avoided – but secretly loved – that had a chorus that went like this:

And they’ll know we are Christians by our love, by our love. Yes, they’ll know we our Christians by our love…

I’ve been thinking about that lyric a lot the past couple of days, partly because once something gets stuck in your head it’s there until it’s replaced by something else… but mostly because my social media newsfeeds have been inundated with opinions on this asinine new bill being considered in Arizona; a bill that makes it expressly legal for a business to discriminate against someone – without the fear of a lawsuit – if you feel that not doing so would threaten your religious freedom in some way.

I’m incapable of mincing words at this point, so forgive my bluntness when I say:

What the hell are we doing?

Everyone who’s defending this bill has made essentially the same argument. We have to protect our religious rights! We have to defend what’s right and pure! We have to stand by our biblical principles!

And you know what? I agree. Religious rights are important, and I’m thankful that we have them. I can go to church whenever I want. I can read a Bible while I’m riding on the light rail. I can wear a cross around my neck, and a Jesus fish on my car. I can talk about, or write about, my faith wherever I go. I can accept and respect other people’s religions, and I can appreciate and embrace our differences.

If I stand for anything, it’s for what’s right and pure.

And as for biblical principles – real biblical principles of goodness, kindness, compassion and love – you will not find a bigger supporter. I love the Bible. I love what it’s taught me, and continues to teach me. I love what it’s revealed to me over the past 40 years. I love its story. I love its message of a God who so “loved the world that He gave his only begotten son.” But here’s what I’m wondering…

I’m wondering what part of, “Love your neighbor” is getting confused as, “Love your neighbor unless you disagree with his lifestyle. Love your neighbor unless he’s a liberal. Love your neighbor unless he’s gay.” And before you can say it, I’m not talking about, “Love the sinner, hate the sin” either. I’m talking about JUST LOVING, period, and leaving everything else up to the individual and to God.

I think of Jesus in the Bible and I think of the person “in the trenches.” I think of the guy who was hanging out with the people that no one else would give the time of day. I think of the soul who was spending timing with the tax collectors, breaking bread with the lepers, and conversing with the prostitutes. I think of someone who was healing the sick, helping the poor, and raising the dead.

I do not think of a person who would refuse to serve someone, based on creed or religion or skin color or sexuality. I do not think of a person who would walk away from someone – from anyone – when He had an opportunity to be kind to them, to love them, to minister to them.

I think of Jesus in the Bible, and I wonder how we’ve strayed so far. So far that we’ve forgotten what we were supposed to be doing in the first place. So far that when I think of people who actually emulate Jesus that His followers are the very last people who come to mind.

When did being a Christian become synonymous with using the Bible to brow-beat everyone? When did being a Christian become synonymous with arrogant grandstanding, a tit-for-tat war of words and actions to prove that you’re more Godly, more virtuous than everyone around you? When did being a Christian become about defending conservative reality TV stars, no matter how inflammatory and vulgar their message?

When did being a Christian become about standing behind a ridiculous, intolerant bill that celebrates turning people away, playing judge and jury on others’ lives, and isolating and separating yourself from the very people (ie: ALL people) that you’re asked – commanded really – to love.

Somewhere along the way, this is exactly what happened.

I see the comments from my non-Christian friends… comments about how judgmental Christians are. How arrogant. How intolerant. How cruel. I see the comments and I cringe. Cringe because the comments are hurtful, and cringe because I know they’re right. I’m no stranger to cruel comments on my blog, and the worst – by far – are from my fellow Christians. Often under the guise of “saving” me of course, but cruel nonetheless. And each time… EVERY time… I can’t help but wonder, if I, a fellow believer, am so disappointed and disillusioned with God’s people and their actions, how on earth can they be reaching and encouraging others?

Spoiler: They can’t. They’re not.

We’re missing the boat here, in a big big way.

Christians, we can do better than this. We have to do better than this. I want that old hymn to be true. I so badly want it to be true. Right now, I just don’t think it is. And bills like Senate bill 1062? They’re a giant step in the wrong direction.

I write this to you as a very flawed, imperfect follower of Christ. Lord knows I have my own work to do in the department of loving others. But it seems to me if we can all – all of us – do a little less quoting of cherry picked scriptures like Leviticus 18:22, and a little more living of scriptures like Matthew 7:3, the world would be a much better place.

26 Comments

Filed under bible, faith, God, hot topics, kindness, love, rant, spirituality

October 31, 2013 · 11:54 AM

On Loving My Christian Neighbors

You know what really bugs me?

(This is where my husband would offer, “LOTS of things?” and I would roll my eyes and clarify, “Okay, you know what is really bugging me today?”)

Today, it is really bugging me that so many people choose to pour their time and energy into passing judgment on others’ lifestyles and – this is the part that bugs me – cloaking it as concern for their poor Christian souls.

I love God. Let me start there. With all my “heart, soul, and mind”. That’s Matthew 22:38, for those of you who like these things accompanied by scriptures. You know what comes right after it? “Love your neighbor as yourself.” And that’s where I, and I’d imagine lots of other Christians, often stumble. Sometimes it’s just damn hard work to love your neighbor. I mean, it’s easy to love nice people. And people of other faiths? Muslim neighbors and atheist neighbors and Jewish neighbors? No problem there either. People of different sexual orientations? Gay neighbors and straight neighbors and bisexual neighbors? Done.

But good grief. Loving my fellow Christian can be difficult.

I’m not your “typical” Christian, if there is such a thing. I don’t fit neatly into a box, and I get that. And non-box-fitting Christians often make other Christians … nervous. I get that too. Here’s what I don’t get. Why on earth would the way I choose to live out my faith bother you? To the point that you feel such an irrepressible urge to actually WARN me:

You should be careful with yoga. You’re opening yourself up to the occult.

Tattoos (or piercings, or any other form of personal expression that you find distasteful) are defiling God’s temple.

Any so-called Christian who lets their children play first-person shooter games is not a true Christian. Period.

As a Christian, I can’t believe you’d ignore the biblical instruction for corporal punishment.

Celebrating Halloween is honoring evil.

And overheard just this morning, again in reference to Halloween:

“Sugar-sprinkled poison is still poison.”

I could certainly go on, but those are the ones I hear most frequently, and with the most fervor. What it boils down to is a good, old-fashioned, “Shame on you, you bad bad Christian! You’re getting it all WRONG, and it’s my job to tell you.” It’s exhausting and irritating. And, like I said, not too helpful in my genuine quest to love all the Christians.

The thing you need to know is that my faith is strong. My mind can be changed about many many things, but not that. I am confident in my relationship with God, and I am confident that He loves me exactly as He created me. So while your genuine concern for my soul is touching – if it is in fact genuine – your efforts to change me in some way are really only serving to annoy me (and also to add fuel to the “Christians are just judgmental a@@holes” fire. So well played)

If your choices are not harmful to others, I will support your right to have them like crazy. Don’t want to celebrate Halloween? Cool with me. Don’t want to do yoga? Super. Don’t like certain video games? By all means, don’t buy them. Rather die than get a tattoo or a piercing? Your choice to make.

All I ask is that you extend me the same courtesy.

I’ll respect the message sent by your dark porch on Halloween. I won’t show up at your door with my zombie child, I promise. I won’t force you to do yoga. I won’t even make you look at my tattoos. I’ll just… love you. From afar, if that’s what you prefer.

Because here’s what I’m thinking. If, as Christians, our job is to get out into the world and spread God’s love, and we can’t even act in a loving way towards each other? Something’s not right. Pointing fingers and splitting hairs and damning people to hell over everything they’re getting “wrong” does no good for anyone. And let’s be honest, none of us are getting it 100% right anyway. We’re human. Gloriously flawed, imperfect, constantly growing and learning and involving humans.

And MY flaws and imperfections (and/or those things you perceive as my flaws and imperfections)? They won’t hurt you. Really. You’re okay. I’m okay. My choices are between me and God. He’s got this. He’s always got this.

No outside help required.

4 Comments

Filed under about me, acceptance, faith, God, hot topics, rant

June 19, 2013 · 8:07 AM

10 Facebook Behaviors That Drive Me Crazy (and 5 that don’t)

I’ve said it before, and I’ll no doubt say it again: My relationship with Facebook is a love/hate relationship to be sure. If you’re even reading this, you likely came from a link on Facebook, and for that I’m thankful. It’s also served to be invaluable to connecting (and reconnecting) with all kinds of important people in my life. So there’s that.

But. My word. Sometimes I’m convinced that Facebook’s existence is nothing more than an invariable stream of humanity’s most irritating behaviors. Here’s a list of my top ten, culled from a list of 17 jillion.

10. Everybody’s a doctor. This actually isn’t limited to Facebook. Facebook just provides an easy forum for this annoying phenomenon of people’s need to diagnose and treat everyone with so much as a sniffle. Mention a headache, and you’re suddenly overrun with surefire cures of pills, creams, herbs, oils, vitamins, and procedures. I’ve started to seriously weigh what I’m thinking of sharing against how much unsolicited advice it’s going to garner (which means I almost never share that stuff any more) If you actually ARE a doctor, you get a pass on this one.

9. Mean-spirited political and/or religion related posts. If I wasn’t sure of this before the advent of Facebook, I sure was darn sure afterwards. Politics and religion make too many people mean. I dread election season. DREAD. IT. Mainly because most people are too busy maligning the candidate/party they don’t want to bother actually talking about the one they do want (which might actually make for an interesting discussion). You’re voting Republican? Great! Why the need to call everyone who’s not an “idiot”? And it’s the same thing when it comes to religion. You’re an atheist? Awesome! Why’s it necessary to share the hurtful memes making fun of Christians? Most of this list I can laugh off, but this one just makes me…. sad. Mean things make me sad.

8. Incessant complaining. I’m not talking about the occasional bad day. I’m not talking about sharing about a tough time you might be going through. I’m not even talking about the “glass is half empty” people. I’m talking about the “I *have* no glass, my life is miserable, the whole world sucks, and I’ll be damned if I don’t spew my negativity all over everyone’s newsfeed all the live long day” people. And an honorable mention goes out to their polar opposites as well, the ones who’d have you believe they’ve never had a bad day at all, whose lives are rainbows and sunshine and unicorns ALL THE TIME.

7. Incessant bragging. This is the guy who’s the best husband/father/employee/athlete/superhero/human being on the planet. And he makes sure you know it.

6. Self-promotion. Facebook makes it really easy for you to set up pages or groups, so that when you start a blog or a business or your latest MLM venture, you can make one little post letting people know, and then keep all your ~~spamming~~ advertising there, strictly for the people who’ve signed on the dotted line as being interested in actually wanting to see it. It’s easy. Really. Try it.

5. Too many “selfies”. I just recently learned that term. I’m getting old … a little slow on the jargon. Here’s the thing: It’s nice to see photos of your new haircut. It’s totally understandable that you’d want to show off your new tattoo. It’s fun to virtually tag along on your vacation. I even get it if it’s just been awhile since you updated your profile picture. But there comes a point when it’s just too many. Especially if you’re not 15. If every other picture on my newsfeed is your face, again, in varying shots of the same exact pose, it’s too many. Somewhere between 1 and 50 new pictures a month is too many.

4. Vague-booking. This is how vague-booking works: Person A “Oh I don’t know if I can take another day of this!!!” Person B “Oh honey, what’s going on??” Person A “I’d really rather not say….” This mostly annoys me because I don’t understand it. You’d assume it’s just for attention. But if you’re going to post just to get attention, wouldn’t it make much more sense to post about something you CAN talk about, rather than something that you can’t? The conversation pretty much begins and ends with a vague and cryptic announcement of passive-aggressiveness. If you need to publicly vent, vent. But at least give us the courtesy of knowing what it is you’re venting about.

3. Mushy love stuff. I honestly don’t know why this bothers me, but it’s probably the same reason that I don’t like weddings, and that people think I don’t like to hug people (I do, honest!). I guess I just feel like your relationship with your spouse/significant other is kind of personal and private, so it’s…. odd, very odd to me when people publicly gush about them. Anniversary posts make me cringe. Tell HIM you love him, tell HIM he’s your best friend. No need to tell Facebook, too. But too much kindness is still way better than:

2. Trash-talking your spouse and/or kids. It’s disrespectful, uncouth, and uncool. The only person it makes look bad is you. Just don’t.

1. Two words: Duck. Face.

And these are five that don’t especially bother me (with just a few caveats), though they do seem to bother a lot of other people:

1. Pictures of your kids. I have four kids. I think my kids are the cutest kids on the planet too. I get it.

2. Pictures of your pets. Pets are cute too.

3. Pictures of your dinner. Food is one of my favorite things. I like eating food. I like looking at pretty pictures of food. I do not like hearing a blow-by-blow account of every ingredient in said food though, especially if it’s constantly prefaced by the words “organic,” and/or “gluten-free.” Eating organic is wonderful. So is eating gluten-free if that’s your thing. Sounding pretentious isn’t.

4. Talking about your workout. I teach yoga. I can understand wanting to be healthy. I enjoy encouraging people on their progress. I even appreciate a well-timed before and after picture. But… it’s really okay if you don’t tell us every time you go to the gym or go for a run.

5. Anything that George Takei shares. He’s just cool.

Which ones do you disagree with? What would you add to the list?

16 Comments

Filed under Facebook, random, rant

March 20, 2013 · 11:42 AM

It’s Not Okay

Steubenville, Ohio:

A sixteen year old girl had been drinking at a party and passed out. She later woke up in a strange location, naked, to find that she’d not only been raped, but that pictures, tweets, and videos making light of it had been shared all over the internet.

This past Sunday, two local football players – also teenagers – were found guilty of the rape. Almost immediately, the media was awash with sympathy, lamenting the ruined lives and dashed promising future of the poor, poor…

perpetrators.

Wait. What? Yes, these boys chose to sexually assault and take advantage of an unconscious girl; and as if that weren’t enough, they assaulted her again when they broadcast texts, tweets, pictures, and even videos documenting the attack… splashing it around as though it were entertainment. And it’s THEM we’re supposed to have unwavering empathy for? Right, because the girl made bad decisions. Because she was drunk. Because she was at the party at all. Because she must have “asked for it.”

I would like to say that I’m shocked by this attitude. I should be shocked. But I’m not. And don’t get me wrong. I’m disgusted. I’m horrified. I’m outraged. But I’m not shocked. Why? Because this culture has been around as long as I can remember.

Nearly two decades ago, I was having a conversation about this very thing. I can picture the kitchen. The table. The light on the ceiling. I remember asking him for clarification, because surely I misunderstood. “Wait, are you saying that a girl who dresses a certain way is looking to get raped?” “I think she’s asking for it, yes.”

It was that years-ago comment, from that “good Christian boy”, that served as my first glimpse into how desperately screwed up we are as a society. Since then, I’ve seen it in countless ways in countless places. It’s the victim’s fault. Her skirt was too short. She was showing too much cleavage. She shouldn’t have smelled so good. She shouldn’t have had on so much makeup. She shouldn’t have been drinking so much. She shouldn’t have been flirting so much. She was a tease. She. Asked. For. It.

This has to stop. Now. Is it any wonder that the majority of rape cases are never even reported?

This kind of victim-blaming attitude is not only hurtful, insulting, and incredibly disrespectful to women (and in particular to the 1 in 4 – through no fault of her own – who will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime), it’s also unbelievably degrading towards men. Is this how little we think of our men? That they are so driven by hormones and animal urges that it’s a good day if they can simply manage to get from point A to point B without raping someone? That they’re no more than objects: walking time-bombs that will detonate at the slightest provocation? That they have so little control over their thoughts and their desires and their bodies that us women better keep ourselves covered and invisible and plain, lest we make ourselves too tempting and tip them over the edge?

Most men don’t rape. And those who do? It is THEIR FAULT. One hundred percent their fault, one hundred percent of the time. Those boys in Steubenville did a vile, heinous, atrociously bad thing because they chose to do it. Period. And there’s no excuse for it. Shame on anyone who says otherwise. And if you’re one of those people who’s saying, “Well yes, of course, they shouldn’t have raped her, but….” you’re part of the problem. There is no “but”.

It’s not okay to force yourself on a woman – or anyone – ever.

It’s not okay if she’s a stranger.

It’s not okay if she’s your best friend.

It’s not okay if she’s your wife.

It’s not okay if she’s wearing revealing clothes.

It’s not okay if she’s wearing NO clothes.

It’s not okay if she’s drunk.

It’s not okay if she’s unconscious.

It’s not okay if she’s flirted with you all night long.

It’s not okay if she’s said, “yes, yes, yes,” and then changed her answer to “no.”

It is never, ever, ever excusable, despite what this current culture might tell you. And blaming the victim is never, ever, ever excusable, despite what this current culture might tell you.

When I talked to my own 16 year old about the case, and about the fact that kids were taking pictures of the abuse on their phones, his first question was, “Why didn’t someone use one of those phones to call 911?” Why indeed. And I don’t know the answer.

What I do know, without question, is that this problem – this grossly widespread problem of violence towards women – is not going away. And until people stop blaming it on the victim and start placing the responsibility where it belongs … it never will.

11 Comments

Filed under hot topics, rant

February 14, 2013 · 7:53 AM

That Girl Needs To Lay Off The Cheeseburgers

Does that title make you uncomfortable? Good. It’s supposed to. It made me uncomfortable to write it. We’re supposed to be bothered by such derogatory comments, because we all know (or at least, we should know) that they’re unkind and hurtful. I sincerely hope that if you’re reading this right now, that we can agree – whether you’ve ever said something like that or not – that picking on someone for being a larger size is not a very nice thing to do.

What I’m wondering then, is why on earth it seems to be so socially acceptable to knock someone for being very thin? When did this become okay?

Hold that thought.

Last Sunday was the Grammy Awards. I get more excited about awards shows than I rightfully should. I love them. I do. I love music and movies and television and pop culture in general; I love the pomp and circumstance; and I love the revealing of the answer to the scintillating question that’s on everyone’s minds: What will the stars be wearing?? It’s true. There’s something strangely thrilling about watching pretty people in dresses that cost more than my car.

My husband, who would rather have extensive elective dental work than sit through more than 3 minutes of an awards show, was beside me in body but not so much in spirit… so I virtually watched it alongside hundreds of other people via Twitter and Facebook. It was interesting following all the commentary in real-time.

Adele’s wearing color!

Chris Brown and Rhianna are publicly canoodling even after he assaulted her.

Oh. Em. Gee. It’s Justin Timberlake!

And then came the body-shaming. “Someone feed Taylor Swift a sandwich.” “Nicole Kidman needs a cheeseburger.” “Faith Hill’s gotten way too skinny.”

Again, I have to ask: When did this become okay? If we can all agree that it’s not right to negatively point out someone’s larger size, why shouldn’t the same hold true for those on the other side of the spectrum? Why should we be critiquing others’ bodies at all?

The day after the Grammys, I was looking through a pictorial of the attendees’ dresses on a popular entertainment website. On the side bar, two previous articles caught my attention: The first, an article touting celebrities’ best-kept weight-loss secrets. Right below it? “The most scary skinny bikini bodies.” Is it any wonder society is so confused, with that kind of disparity? Lose weight, lose weight, lose weight!! Too skinny, too skinny, too skinny!!

I used to be the “too thin” girl. I’m not anymore – my 39 year old body has resolutely decided to naturally carry 20 more pounds than my 29 year old body – but once upon a time I was the one being told to “eat a couple sandwiches.”

It’s hurtful, and it’s embarrassing.

I remember being at a holiday party once, all dressed up and feeling festive and pretty. I was shivering, literally shaking, because it turned out I was coming down with the flu. A friend of a friend looked at me, and said, loudly enough for the whole roomful of people to look at him, “It’s because you’re so damn skinny. You need to eat something. I can practically see right through you!”

15 years later, I can still remember exactly what he said, and exactly how it made me feel.

Dove has an ad campaign called “Real Women” that mostly features women with curves. Real women have curves, these ads cry. And you know what? Sometimes they do. And sometimes real women have no curves. Sometimes real women are tall and lanky. Sometimes real women have big boobs, and sometimes real women have no boobs. Sometimes real women have no hair, and sometimes they have hair everywhere. Sometimes real women have flabby thighs and flat butts and muffin tops. Sometimes real women have big ears and stretch marks and bony knees. Sometimes real women sit behind a desk all day and wear a size zero. Sometimes real women spend all day in the gym and never get below an 18.

Sometimes real women laugh when they want to cry.

Can we stop with the body shaming? I am so, so tired of a culture that fights so hard against a “thin is beautiful” mindset that it’s only succeeded in carving the second side of the same damn coin.

Thin is beautiful.

Big is beautiful.

Healthy is beautiful.

Strong is beautiful.

Vulnerable is beautiful.

Happy and confident and kind are beautiful.

We never know someone’s story just by looking at them. Can I say that I again, because *I* seem to forever need to reminder?

We never know someone’s story just by looking at them.

It’s easy and convenient to assume that a diet or a sandwich will cure someone’s supposed “flaws”… but it’s far more kind (and so much more productive) to never see them as flaws to begin with.

(I wrote about this same subject here)

25 Comments

Filed under acceptance, body image, hot topics, judgement, love, rant, self image

Category Archives: rant

Connect With Me

Archives