Category Archives: unschooling

The Kids Are Turning Out Alright

I started this blog in December of 2004 (19 years ago!) It was mostly a day-in-the-life journal style blog back then, and has since morphed into… whatever it is now.

I’ve been thinking about those early days a lot lately, as we confidently step into a new season. All those babies I wrote about 20 years ago are now teenagers and young adults (at the time of this writing: 27, 23, 19, and 16) and life looks very different than it did back then. These days life revolves around driving my youngest to wherever she needs to go, and supporting them all through college, jobs, hobbies, moving, life, and relationships.

It occurred to me recently that to an outsider my job as a homeschooling parent is almost done. Which is weird, but not as weird as the fact that naysayers will now look to my children to see how they “turned out”… because of (or I guess, in spite of) their unconventional upbringing. It’s something I’ve heard a lot over the years: People seem to wonder or worry how homeschooled kids are going to turn out when they’re grown.

I have questions.

First, what does that even mean? Kids are human beings. They’re human beings RIGHT NOW, not at some arbitrary point in the future. They’re not a pot roast that you put in the crock pot, waiting for it to be done to see if it’s cooked properly. They’re people. Like the rest of us, they are forever growing and learning and experiencing life. They’re never “done” until they have no breath left.

Second, at what age do you determine that they have or have not turned out well? 18? 21? When they are grown and have children of their own? It’s arbitrary and silly. There is no magical age at which you can declare your job over. Parenting is for life.

But for the sake of this post – and for anyone with littles who might need the encouragement – here is how my children are turning out:

They are happy. They are living life out loud, pursuing their own individual goals, and have retained that sense of wonder and curiousity that served them so well when they were little. They also still know how to play, which is so so important for a balanced and joyful life.

They are kind. Seriously, these kids forever teach me (a lifelong major introvert who doesn’t always know what to do with the people around me) how to be kind, loving, and show grace to all.

They are smart. One of the coolest things about having four kids is getting to witness, and nurture, four completely different styles of learning, life interests, and skills. I get a front-row seat to watching them do the damn thing in their own ways, and I am so thankful for it.

They know who they are. I had no earthly clue who I was until I was in my 30’s. I did what I was told, tried to please everyone around me, and didn’t have a single unique opinion in my head. Didn’t know who I was, what was important to me, or what I wanted out of life. But my kids know, they stand strong in their beliefs, they work for what they want, and I so admire them for that. I will say for the sake of full disclosure that the one caveat to that is that it is somewhat tempered by the confusion that comes with being a teenager. Woosh. Being a young person (especially a 14, 15, 16 year old) can be HARD. They have something that I didn’t have at that age though: a certain je ne sais quoi that keeps them grounded, confident, and relatively unshakable. And when they do get shaken? They recover with grace. Every time.

They are good friends. To me, to their dad, to each other, to their peers. They love hard. They are generous with their care, their words, and their actions.

________________________________________

When I originally started thinking about this post, I thought that I’d be listing outward accomplishments. They are doing a lot of cool things! But I realized all of those things? The 4.0? The promotion to manager? The singing competitions? The ability to fix anything that’s broken? None of that matters as much as what’s above. (I’d actually argue that in the grand scheme, they don’t really matter much at all.)

I don’t know what my kids are going to do in the future, and I honestly couldn’t really hazard a guess. Life takes some weird and unexpected turns. Having decided that college wasn’t the right path for me when I was young, I then spent the majority of my 40s earning two degrees. Things happen. Plans change. We learn. We grow. I don’t know where their individual journeys will take them, but I am here for it. I’m here for all of it.

And right now? Right at this moment in time?

The kids have turned out alright.

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Filed under gentle parenting, parenting, unschooling

In Defense of “Screens”

I woke up to a text from a friend (on a screen.)

After I showered and made my coffee, I got caught up on email, Facebook and Instagram (on a screen), then I sent off a message regarding a costume for my 13 year old’s upcoming play (on a screen). After that I watched last night’s A Million Little Things (on a screen.)

The TV is off now, and I won’t turn it on again until this afternoon when I watch The Talk (on a screen). It’s a fun little break in the day, and I like to listen to them talking about current events. I’m also a big fan of Amanda Kloots, whose story I started following in 2020 when she began recounting her story of her husband Nick Cordero’s fight with, and ultimately death from, COVID-19. I watched her updates daily on Instagram (on a screen).

In a few hours, I have a dentist appointment. We moved a couple of years ago, and I had to find a new one. I asked for recommendations on Facebook (on a screen), and looked up everyone who was mentioned (on a screen). I checked my insurance website too (on a screen) to see who was or was not covered.

A couple of minutes ago I ran upstairs to talk to my husband who’s working from home today (on a screen), then I got out my laptop to begin this post (on a screen). I found a picture (on a screen), and I started to write (on a screen.)

Forgive my bluntness, but “screen time” is one of the stupidest phrases we’ve collectively come up with as a society. It means literally nothing. In 2021, screens are used for an infinite number of purposes, from utility and information, to communication and entertainment. Lumping all of it into a catch-all phrase of “screen time” makes absolutely no sense.

Another thing that makes no sense? The fact that so many parents hold such a disdain for their kids’ use of “screen time” (“If I let him, he’d be on his tablet ALL DAY!”) then use said screen time as a prime bargaining tool, removing it at the slightest infraction. Which in turn only makes it more alluring, more attractive, more important. The forbidden fruit, if you will. Parents want their kids to regulate, to learn to use screens in a healthy way, but by limiting them and constantly taking them away they’re ensuring that that won’t happen. Screens will be viewed by the child as something to binge, something they must hold on to tightly, to take in as much as they can before they’re taken away again.

I recently saw a reply on a Facebook group where a worried new unschooler was told, “The best way to unschool is to keep your house free of screens.” I could not disagree more. One of the best parts about unschooling is that you have the opportunity to make your kids’ worlds bigger. Why then would you limit them, and in turn make their worlds smaller?

Screens, in all their forms, are tools. And incredible tools at that! I am so thankful, especially over the very weird past 12 months, that my children are able to access their screens whenever they want.

A very, very short list of what screens have allowed my children to do:

Talk with their friends

Play games, alone and with others

Take classes

Write stories

Watch videos

Make videos

Share pictures

Watch movies

Listen to music

Apply for jobs (17 year old)

Code (24 year old)

GOOGLE

How cool is it to have all this technology, all this information, all this learning, all this entertainment, right at their fingertips?

But but… aren’t I worried about child predators? Porn? Addiction? The internet is dangerous!

To that I’d say: First, my children, all teenagers and young adults at the time of this writing, use technology in a very different way than they did when they were seven. While they still had the freedom to use what they’d liked, they did so with much more supervision. It should go without saying that young children need more supervision in general. We did things together. We explored. We partnered. We discussed. It all laid the groundwork for today, where they explore with more freedom. They’re confident, they’re safe, and they still share.

They know that technology and the internet is not something to fear but something to use and enjoy responsibly. They know that they can come to us if they ever have a problem. They know that they can talk to us about anything, including anything they’re doing online. They know that technology is just another tool, one that they can take or leave at any time, and that is neither more nor less valuable than spending time outdoors or playing a board game or painting a picture. It’s just one of a million things they may choose to use, or not, in any given day.

So no, I don’t live in fear of screens. I rather enjoy screens, and am thankful every day that we are lucky enough that they are part of our lives.

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Filed under hot topics, Uncategorized, unschooling

Don’t Yuck Other People’s Yums

The other day I was in a Facebook unschooling group, and a new unschooler was looking for suggestions for YouTube channels for her young daughter. Not because her daughter was explicitly looking for new channels, but because (according to the mother), she was spending too much time watching “stupid and useless” videos.

I gently suggested that a re-frame of how she was viewing her daughter’s choices might be helpful, but I was met only with anger and defensiveness. She knew her daughter, she knew what she was watching, and she knew that it was stupid and useless.

I think the biggest problem – and there are many – with this line of thinking is that it automatically shuts down the line of communication between parent and child. The child knows the parent thinks it’s stupid, and it is something they can not safely share without minimization at best, and ridicule at worst. It makes the child feel bad about their own likes, and by extension about themselves, and makes them less likely to want to share their interests with their parents in the future. And you want to know one of the hallmarks, and indeed one of the most integral parts of unschooling done well? The sharing of interests!

Disparaging someone else’s interests is just poor form. It’s unkind. We all have millions of things we like to do, watch, listen to, play, that may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but that’s what makes the world interesting. How boring it would be if we all liked the same things! As parents, we may not be able to immediately see the inherent value in something our kids are doing, but if they’re choosing to do it, we can rest assured that it’s there. Their interests have meaning. Their interests have value. They are getting something out of that video, even if to you it looks stupid and useless.

It is hurtful to have our passions minimized. It is hurtful to be dismissed. And even if we’re watching something for pure pleasure and/or relaxation and/or escapism? Where is the harm? Where is the justification in making fun of it?

Embracing your loved one’s passions brings you closer. Disparaging them brings you further apart.

No one wants to be belittled for something they enjoy. Especially not our kids, who just want to share their worlds with us, if only we’ll let them.

Let people enjoy things.

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The Kids Will Be Alright

My kids have never gone to school. In fact, with the exception of my oldest, who spent a couple of years in speech therapy as a toddler, they have barely even set foot in a school. So I guess one could argue that I have no skin in the game, and therefore my opinion is pretty much irrelevant. But I assure you, I share your horror over the questions faced by parents and administrators surrounding school right now. Is it safe for them to go back to in-person classes right now? Should they wear masks? Should they socially distance? Should they stay home? Should they do virtual learning? Should they do a combination? Should they, should they, should they.

And what does it all mean for teachers? For librarians and cafeteria workers and janitorial staff? What does it mean for those at higher risk? Or for those going home to high risk family members? A lot of questions, and very few cut-and-dried answers.

If all of that wasn’t enough, many parents are worrying about their kids’ education itself, or about them falling behind. To those parents, I want to say, without a shred of hesitation:

The kids will be alright.

The school’s timetable is arbitrary. There’s no set body of knowledge that a kid must have at 8. Or 12. Or 17. There’s no such thing as falling behind. Every single kid at every single age knows more about some things and less about others. Every single kid at every single age has his own interests and her own passions. If you lined up 100 5th graders, each one would be plotted on a different spot on the knowledge scale. And that’s by design! Learning is individual, and unique to the learner. Learning styles are different, pace is different, timing is different. It doesn’t matter if someone can’t do complex fractions by a certain (again, arbitrary) age. It just doesn’t.

It should also be noted, for those who dismiss my words as nonsense, that John Taylor Gatto – a former New York City public school teacher – tells us that “reading, writing, and arithmetic really only take around 100 hours to transmit, as long as the audience is eager and willing to learn. ”  100 hours. A few months, or a year, away from formal education will not hurt your child. I promise. We somehow trust that adults who are out of school are able to continually learn on their own, but we often fail to give the same consideration to children. Your kids are always learning, regardless of what four walls they’re surrounded by.

And please hear me when I say I know that there are other things we’re collectively worried about. I know that some parents need to work, and are unable to stay home with their kids. I know that for some kids, school is the only place where they can get a decent meal. I know that in some families, school is the option that’s best for their safety. I know. These concerns are real, and valid, and important. THESE are the conversations that need to be happening right now. These are the problems that need solving and addressing. Not whether little Suzy is going to fall behind in social studies. There’s too much focus on the wrong problem.

I know people are worried about their kids mental health, and I hear that too. But I truly don’t think that being thrust into a strange new environment with masks and distance and hand sanitizer is going to help. The fact is, this pandemic and its resulting isolation is hard on all of us, adults and kids alike. It’s hard! I’m not even a particularly social person, and I am lonely. I’m aimless. I’m distracted. I’m anxious. I miss people and hugs and face to face conversations, and I know that kids are no different.

But your kids have something that you and I might not have. They have YOU. They have someone who supports them, who cheers for them, who has their back. They have someone who loves them unconditionally, who cares for them, who sees to it that they have everything they need. They have someone who can be their rock through the uncertainty, their port in the storm, and their safe place to fall. You get to be the person who takes them by the hand, and gives them a sense of safety when the rest of the world feels like it’s falling down around them.

I know that not everyone is able to stay home with their kids, but if you can … if you’re finding yourself in the position of choosing between sending your kids into a situation you’re uncomfortable with or doing school virtually … know that there’s another option. Know that you can opt out. It breaks my heart to see so many parents lamenting how miserable their kids are trying to do distance learning, because it doesn’t have to be that way. YOU CAN OPT OUT. You can, today, right now, submit an intent to homeschool (and depending on your state, you might not even have to do that. Check here for your state’s laws) and just stop. Stop the stress, stop the pressure, and just learn together. No fancy curriculum or arbitrary schedule needed. Live together. Play games, bake cookies, read books, watch movies, do science experiments, play music, write music, explore YouTube, build things, take things apart, make art, make videos, virtually chat with friends… Make life as interesting and sparkly and happy as possible.

It’s okay to opt out.

I don’t know the answer for the bigger picture, and I don’t know the answer for those who need the schools. I wish I did, but I don’t. What I do know is that we’re all learning all the time, and that there is no timetable for success. I know that if one of your concerns right now is whether or not your child is going to fall behind, that you can take a breath. Take the pressure off yourself and off your child. At this time of uncertainty, give yourself one less thing to worry about.

The kids will be alright.

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But How Will They __________, If You Haven’t Made Them ________?

It’s a question I get a lot, in various forms, from people trying to wrap their heads around radical unschooling.

“How will they learn to clean their house if you haven’t made them do chores?”

“How will they learn to get up in time for a job if you haven’t made them go to bed at a certain hour?”

“How will they get into college if you’ve never made them take a test?”

“How will they learn to obey authority if you’ve never made them follow any rules?”

“How will they learn to socialize if you’ve never made them go to school?”

While I won’t address all of those questions right now, two of my kids are doing some cool things that definitively answer a couple of them.

About a month ago, my 19 year old started working a full time job. He had no high school diploma (side note: if it were important to him, or to any of my kids, there are lots of ways to get one online), so we helped him make a resume. For someone who’d never gone to school or held a job, it was a pretty cool resume! It included desert cleanups we’d done with off-roading groups, work he’s done with the planning, organization, and execution of our unschooling conference, the years he’s spent writing and performing with various bands. We talked with him a little bit about the interview (be yourself, be polite, be honest) but that was more to be thorough than because we thought he really needed it. He was offered the job at the interview, and he started a few days later. Previously used to staying up late, he started using his alarm, and quickly shifted his sleep. He usually works 11-8, and had absolutely no problem adjusting to the new schedule.

Our youngest son, 15 at the time of this writing, recently decided he wanted to take some classes at the community college this summer. Again, no high school diploma (and he’s not yet old enough to have gotten one traditionally anyway) but that’s not an issue for community college. We reviewed the application process together, and he started working his way through the steps. The last thing he needs to do is to take placement tests to see what level math and English classes he would need to take. He’s never taken a test before, save for the driver’s license test for his permit – which he had no problem taking – so he’s doing what everyone does. He’s studying. The college posted some study guides, and he’s going through them one by one. He said the English was pretty easy, except for the grammar. (Which is fair. I like to call myself a writer, and I think grammar is hard too). He found the math easy too, except for when he got to the upper level algebra. So he’s taking his time and learning what he needs to know. He’s never taken a math class, or an English class, or a science class. But he knows a lot about all of the above, and more importantly, he has the confidence to learn everything he doesn’t yet know.

It’s a hard concept for a lot of people, simply because it’s so different from the norm, but I think that unschooling has given them a huge advantage when it comes to doing new things. They have no hang-ups about learning, no anxieties around certain subjects (math trauma, anyone??), no doubts that they can do anything that they set their minds to. The simple answer to all of the above questions? They decide they want to do something… and they just do it.

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Embracing The “And”

The other day, I posted an article about video games, and the amount of learning that comes from them. (The article is here.) The comments were fairly predictable, ranging from “Right on!” to “No way. That’s ridiculous.” to “Glad it works for your kids; it’d never work for mine.” The ones that most interested me though were the ones that said something along the lines of, “Kids need to play outside/get fresh air/read books/use their imaginations/etc”

I used to think that way. In fact, I used to have black and white thinking about a lot of things. And then I discovered how very, very much I was missing out on because of it. The world is not black and white. The world is not either/or. It’s a million shades of grey and a million shades of technicolor.

You don’t have to choose between playing video games and playing outside. They are not mutually exclusive.

At the time of this writing, my kids range in age from 11 to 22. They all love their video games, and are welcome to play them as often as they’d like. They also love music, and being outdoors, and swimming, and hanging out with friends, and reading, and researching. None is more valuable than the other. They are options, all there for the taking. Just a couple of days ago, the two middle boys had friends over, and the group played board games and card games and hung out and chatted for nearly 11 hours straight.

You can love video games AND love spending time with your friends.

You can eat the salad AND eat the chocolate chip cookies.

You can hike the mountain AND snuggle down on the couch.

You can watch the movie AND read the book.

You can be honest AND kind.

You can be angry AND forgiving.

I think we get stuck in these black and white ruts and don’t realize that more often than not, there are options. There are “ands”. And yes, absolutely, sometimes there’s not a choice. Sometimes life throws us curve balls. Sometimes we have to do things we don’t love. That much is true. But what a gift we give ourselves and our kids when we find the “ands!” One of the reasons I chose to homeschool (and particularly unschool) was precisely because I wanted my kids to have as many choices as I could give them. I wanted to make their worlds larger. It makes me sad to see homeschooled children whose lives have been made smaller, not the other way around.

I want my kids to do what makes them happy in the moment. I want them to know that they can play the video game and read the book and hang out with their friends and play the instrument and go outside and sit and think and ponder and putter just….. BE.

And likewise, I can go to school, and take care of the house, and write, and plan a conference, AND be an engaged, present mother. And when I feel one slipping? It’s time to readjust, that’s all. I’ll admit it, it’s easy for me to jump straight into the black and white thinking of, “That’s it, I’ve failed at everything, I might as well stop trying.” That’s often my first thought if I’m being honest. But someone once told me that our first thought – especially if it’s a negative one – is usually wrong. And in this case it’s true. I have choices. I have “ands.” I can adjust. I can decide. And if that means making big and/or scary changes? That’s okay too.

There are choices. There are ands.

I’m not afraid of my kids playing video games any more than I’m afraid of them reading a book. If they play games all day one day? Cool. If they read all day one day? Cool. I don’t worry, because my kids don’t have the baggage that I’ve had to overcome. They don’t have the all-or-nothing thinking that makes us desperately, obsessively (and unhealthily) cling to one choice over another.

They know there are ands. And they use them.

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Unschooling, As Told Through Pie

Everett (14 at the time of this writing) loves to bake.  He really enjoys cooking too, but baking is his first love.  He’s always been fascinated with baking, ever since he was little, and he’s continually adding to his baking bucket list.

Last night he baked his first pie.  It was a cherry pie, with homemade crust and everything.  Now, I’m not even typically a big fan of cherry pie…. but it was amazing.  Like, I had-to-stop-myself-from-licking-the plate amazing.  Flaky crust, delicious filling that was not too sweet and not too tart, and cooked to absolute perfection.

I credit unschooling.

There is a danger among eager parents and unschoolers, particularly when they’re just starting out, to take their kids’ interests and sort of steamroll over them… looking to force a preconceived notion of learning, or simply overloading them with information.   With the very best of intentions, parents will bombard the child with resources, with loosely related subjects, or with ways that their interest can teach them math or history or social studies.

This often backfires in a big way, squashes the child’s natural love of learning, and makes them lose interest all together.

The beauty of unschooling is that you have the time and the space to let their interests unfold and expand naturally.  You can support them and encourage them without feeling the need to push.  Without feeling the need to create arbitrary constraints or conditions on their learning.  Without feeling the need to turn it into an artificial “teaching moment.”

When unschooling is done well, living and learning are seamless.   Life is play.  Life is work.  Life is learning.  There is no separating the day or the moment into math, or science, or history.  It’s all intertwined, and it’s all there for the taking.

Which brings me back to Everett and his pie.

He has learned a lot through his baking, and he will continue to do so.  He’s learned practical skills as well as stretched a creative muscle that can serve him well in all sorts of different pursuits.  For our part, we’re constantly buying him his requested ingredients, answering his questions, and supporting the interest in any way we can.  Our job is to act not as teachers, but as partners and facilitators.  But one of the most important things we can do for him, and for all of our kids, is to give them space to play and figure things out and experiment on their own.  Sometimes the best thing to do is just trust the process, give them the appropriate amount of freedom, and then get out of their way.

If we’d seen his interest in baking, and grabbed onto it too tightly, we very well could have pushed him away from it completely.  Instead, he’s organically moved through the basics to more and more complicated projects.  He’s not intimated by new things, and he places no limits on his abilities.

The really cool part?  I get to watch.  It is truly one of my favorite parts about unschooling.  I get to be there.  I get to see the skills develop, and the light bulbs go off, and the pride of accomplishment settling in.  We’ve designed our lives in such a way that our kids have the time and space to pursue their interests with no arbitrary time constraints, and no parent-imposed hierarchy.  Everett’s baking is as important as Tegan’s acting as is important as Paxton’s music as is important as Spencer’s yard work.  If they wanted to spend a whole entire day, or a whole entire month, on one specific thing …. it would be welcomed and encouraged.

They are getting to learn in the way I’d always wished I could learn myself:  In a way that makes sense for them.  Not for me, not for their father, not for a teacher, but for them.

If I could only give one piece of advice when it came to uschooling, it would be this:

Let them live.  Let them play.  Let them learn.  And for goodness sake, let them make pie.

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Screen Time Is Like Crocheting

Last night, I was trying to crochet.  I say, “trying”, because I’m really not very good at it.  It’s just one of many hobbies that I’ve picked up, played with a little bit until I got bored, then moved on to something else.  It’s also one that I return to from time to time, because I really do enjoy it.  I’m quite confident that with a little more practice I could make a coaster, or, if I’m feeling really adventurous, a scarf.

But right now, I make little misshapen rectangles.

So last night, I was feverishly working on my latest misshapen rectangle.  I was incredibly focused… frustrated every time I dropped a stitch, elated every time I successfully did a few in a row.  I’m a creative person by nature, so the feeling of creating something new with my hands is exciting and empowering.  I started with yarn, and with it, I was making … well, a misshapen rectangle.  But I was making something new, something that literally had never been in existence until that very moment.  It was just me, my crochet hook, and my yarn.

And then people started talking to me.  First, it was my 9 year old, and then it was my husband.  I could feel myself getting irrationally impatient and annoyed at the perceived intrusion.  (“CAN’T YOU SEE I’M CROCHETING HERE, PEOPLE?!”).  I answered them, but I was vague.  Distracted.  The truth was, I was really into what I was doing, and wasn’t taking kindly to being interrupted.

I did finally stop long enough to eat dinner but even then I was sort of “out of it.”  I’d stopped before I was ready, so my brain was still focused elsewhere.  I wanted to get back to my project.

And it wasn’t because I’m “addicted”, and it wasn’t because crocheting is “bad.”  It was simply because I’d gotten super involved, and sometimes it’s hard to immediately shake out of that.

I fail to see why playing video games, watching movies, or browsing YouTube is any different.

And yet it’s such a common refrain among those who are new to the idea of unschooling:

“He gets so angry/irritable/frustrated when we tell him it’s time to stop playing”

“Every time she watches videos for too long, she just zones everyone and everything else out.”

“We have to limit his time on the computer or he’d never do anything else.”

“When she’s wrapped up in a game, she doesn’t eat, won’t take a break, and barely gets up to go to the bathroom.”

Short translation:  Activities involving screens are harmful and addictive.

But there is literally nothing in the above statements that couldn’t also be applied to someone who was super involved with crocheting.  Or reading.  Or drawing. Or gardening.  We all have our outlets, and we all have our activities that demand our full-attention.  Maybe we’re creating.  Maybe we’re learning.

Maybe we’re using all our brain power to solve the puzzle and save the princess and make it to the next level.

Getting involved to that extent is normal, especially if the activity is new.  If I can get inpatient, frustrated, and irritated when interrupted while crocheting, why is it unacceptable for children?  As an adult, I can generally handle such feelings without taking it out on the people around me.  But kids feel the same frustrations, and don’t have the years of experience or maturity to know what to do with their feelings.  The solution then is understanding and assistance …. not taking the offending activity away.   Help them, don’t punish them.

“He gets so angry/irritable/frustrated when we tell him it’s time to stop playing”

Yup, I’d feel all those things if I was suddenly and unexpectedly made to stop doing something I enjoyed too… especially if it was something like a video game, that could not be saved at that particular point.  Give plenty of warnings and advanced notice.  Help them plan their time, and understand what’s happening when.  Transitions can be hard, especially for little ones.  This is not the fault of the video game.  Work with them on transitions, and over time, they’ll get easier.

“Every time she watches videos for too long, she just zones everyone and everything else out.”

I love the feeling of getting so lost in a good book or a good movie that everything around me disappears.  It means the author or filmmaker did their job well.  We all – every one of us – are allowed to “zone out” sometimes… whether it’s to a good book, a movie, a song, a TV show.  IT’S OKAY!  Getting lost in an activity helps us relax, rest, and reset.  I would frankly be more concerned for the kid who was denied the opportunity to regularly zone out for awhile.

“We have to limit his time on the computer or he’d never do anything else.” 

When something is limited, it becomes more attractive.  Like the proverbial forbidden fruit, it starts to be more enticing, more alluring, and disproportionately important.  It’s just human nature.  Any child (or adult for that matter) who is forbidden from using something is going to appear to be unhealthily obsessed with it when they do get the opportunity.  Not knowing when they’re going to get to use it again, they feverishly devour it while they can.  When the limit is lifted, and the initial inevitable binge moment has passed, it becomes just one of a million different choices they can make in a day.  When they truly trust that you won’t take it away, their interest tends to “normalize”, and you realize that they aren’t so obsessed after all.  My kids all use their computers daily (often for hours).  They also write music and poetry, read, bake, make things with their hands, hang out with friends, act, sing, play musical instruments, hike, research, make YouTube videos….

“Never” is an extreme and loaded word.  It is highly unlikely that your child would honestly and literally never do anything else if his computer time wasn’t limited.

“When she’s wrapped up in a game, she doesn’t eat, won’t take a break, and barely gets up to go to the bathroom.”

So this is a real thing.  When I’m lost in a good book, I lose all sense of time.  It’s not often that I get the opportunity to read for hours, but when I do, it often ends in a confused, dehydrated, starving stupor.  It doesn’t even have to be something that I’m enjoying now that I think about it.  The other day I was deep into my math class (College Algebra is my Everest), getting crazy frustrated, and refusing to do anything else.  When Mike suggested I take a break, I just about bit his head clear off.  I was committed, dammit, and I was going to see it through*.  I know the feeling of not wanting to take a break.  I’ve seen it in my kids, in my husband, and in myself.  The solution?  Connection.  Understanding.  HELP.  Instead of vilifying video games, and grumbling that they make your kid neglect their own needs… meet them where they’re at.  Chat with them about what they’re playing.  Ask if you can bring them a snack.  Help them deal with any frustrations.  And yes, gently suggest a break if things are getting too intense.

Screen time is not the evil that it’s so often made out to be.  It’s just not.  It’s simply one (actually many – since “screen time” is a catch-all term that refers to an infinite number of activities) of a million different pursuits that one can dive into, learn from, grow from, and get lost in.

It’s like crocheting. 

And if your kid gets frustrated in their pursuit of learning to crochet, you help them.  You don’t vilify the very thing that they’re trying to learn.

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*I did eventually heed his advice to take a break.  And it helped. 🙂

 

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Conference R & R

It’s been almost a month since our fourth Free to Be Conference.  I would say fourth “annual” conference, but I don’t like the word annual.  Too much commitment.  🙂  It’s always been a new decision every year.

Last year, the conference was… well, it was honestly painful in a lot of ways.  The program itself went well, I think.  All the talks, workshops, etc pretty much went off without a hitch.  But the hotel hated us and threatened to kick out our group on the very first day, there were behavior issues, and there was personal … ickiness.  (Ickiness, by the way, is the technical term.)  We were very certain that we weren’t going to do it again.  Except:

We had to.  We needed a do-over. We needed a Hail Mary.  We chose a new hotel, looked at it as a fresh start, and hoped for the best.

Still, I didn’t know what to expect.  I really didn’t.  After 2016, I almost didn’t want to have any expectations. Registration was highly stressful this year because so many people waited till the last minute.  (Was it a mistake to do it again?  Was no one going to register? Were we going to end up in the poor house because of this?) And then, one month before the conference the bottom fell out of my own life, so it was all I could do to keep afloat, let alone think about anything conference related.

But then it came – funny thing about planning things like that.  They come whether you’re ready or not – and it was… well, it was magic.  I honestly could not have asked for a better conference.  Or attendees.  Or experience.  Were there tiny wrinkles?  Sure.  Were there little issues, complaints, comparisons to other conferences?  Of course.  That’s all part and parcel of hosting an event for 400 people.  But overall it was largely, and overwhelmingly… OVERWHELMINGLY… positive.  And the amount of healing it brought?  Ridiculous.  It was truly a redemptive year for us.

And the thing is, we don’t do it for us.  We do it for the money (KIDDING!  We don’t make any money to speak of.)  We do it for the attendees.  We create the vision and the framework; the speakers, the funshop hosts, and the volunteers bring it to life; and then the whole thing is gifted to the attendees, to do with what they wish.  This year though… this year, it was gifted back to us.  And it was beautiful and it was healing, and it was honestly one of the most positive and empowering feelings I’ve ever experienced.

People keep asking if we’re all recovered.  People have actually been asking since a few days after it ended.  And by all means, I feel good, and I feel peaceful.  But recovered?  Well, no, I’m not.  Mike, being the more logical, business-minded of the two of us, says that he’s back to normal.  A couple weeks back to work and he was good to go.  But me… I invest way too much emotionally to be recovered in a couple of weeks.  Plus, it was a year’s worth of blood, sweat, and tears.  You don’t just get over that in a couple of weeks.  Especially when life doesn’t stop in order for you to do so… when you have to get right back to school, and life, and appointments, and running kids around.

I know that just attending the conference is exhausting and requires its own recovery.  For real. We’ve been on that end of it, too.  A four day event is no joke, no matter how smooth it is.  You’re running around like crazy, you’re sleep deprived, you’re not eating right. But it’s still not quite the same thing as planning, executing, and running said event.  (Um, on that note, my apologies to those I may or may not have grumbled to – I hope good natured-ly – when they complained to me about how tired they were.  Do you know about the ring theory of venting?  Ever since I learned about it, my venting mantra is “Never vent IN”.  I miss the mark sometimes I’m sure.  But I try.  Really really hard.)

And now it’s been a month, and I’m still working on re-entry.  A weekend at my cabin would be lovely, but … real life beckons.  And so, rest and recovery is happening in the pauses.  In the quiet mornings on the days when I don’t have anyplace to be.  With my happy playlist, and a venti cup of coffee in the car.  With a good book and a long bath.  In the stolen meditative moments of chopping vegetables for dinner, or washing my hands longer than necessary in the bathroom.  In the smiles brought by a rapid text exchange with a trusted friend.  In the hibernating.

In the breathing.  Always in the breathing.

I will rest, and I will breathe, and then I’ll be ready to do it again for 2018.  In the meantime, I will watch this.  And I’ll remember.  xo

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6 Things My Kids Have Gained From The Internet And Social Media

I remember when the internet was born.  I was in my 20’s, newly married, and thought it was the Coolest. Thing. Ever.  The ability to browse for information, talk to new people, and communicate through email… all from the safety of my home, in my pajamas?? An introvert’s dream.

And as the internet grew, I grew with it.

I remember when everyone had dire warnings about meeting up with people you connected with online.  Stranger danger!  Now, all of my closet friends are people I met online.

I remember when everyone was afraid to shop online, for fear that it wasn’t secure and that their credit card numbers/identity/life would be stolen.  Now I shop for everything online… from prescriptions, to Amazon, to Etsy.  We even order our groceries online.

My kids never knew a world without the internet.  How lucky they are!  Like it or not, we live in a digital age now, one in which everything you can imagine can be learned, bought, consumed, transmitted, created, and communicated online.  It doesn’t replace 3D life of course (and the intricacies and experiences and connection that go with it) but good grief does it enhance it.  I feel so fortunate, and so glad for my kids, that there are such endless opportunities to explore, to learn, and to connect, right there at their little fingertips.  For years the big joke has been the math teachers from years ago saying, “You need to learn to do this manually!  You won’t be carrying around a calculator in your pocket.”  Now, not only do we carry calculators in our pockets, we carry powerful computers.  Portals, if you will, into an entire other world, a world that is seamlessly integrated into our physical lives.  Pretty cool, right?

This is 2017.

Which is why I’m surprised and well… saddened… at the number of people who still want to so tightly control and limit when it comes to the internet and social media.  At the number of negative, fear-mongering articles that still come across my Facebook news feed.  At the amount of disdain aimed at apps, programs, and websites that allow kids (and adults) to express themselves in creative ways.

There is still so much FEAR.

But it can’t be overstated… this is the world we live in.  The internet is only going to continue to grow, so it only stands to reason that we should equip our kids to grow with it.  Case in point: A friend of mine has a son who was rejected for a program he really wanted to take.  Why?  Because he didn’t have a big enough digital footprint.

Now, is there yucky and dark and stuff to potentially stumble onto on the internet?  Sure.  Does  learning to navigate social media in a healthy way require an involved and connected parent, someone who’ll stay close and present as they figure things out? Of course.  But keeping them away is not the answer.  Especially in a time when there is so very much for them to gain – important things for them to gain! – by letting them explore and learn from the digital world and everything it has to offer.

Here are 5 things my kids have gained or are gaining from the internet and social media (and this is by no means a comprehensive list!)  In no particular order:

1) Knowledge  This is an obvious and broad one, but it couldn’t be left off the list.  Remember growing up with those sets of Britannica Encyclopedias?  Well, the internet is just like a million different sets of those encyclopedias.  On steroids.  In Disneyland.  On the fourth of July.  It is a constantly updated, ever expanding, veritable treasure trove of information.  Want to know how far a person sprays when their sneeze goes uncovered?  Google. (200 feet, in case you’re curious).  Want to see a detailed map of the world, of your country, of your town?  Google. Can’t remember the name of the guy in that movie with the song you like? Google. Want to learn a new language?  Google. Want to learn how to knit, how to build a shed, how to bake a souffle, how to apply a perfect cat eye with eyeliner?  YouTube.  I’ve finally learned to stop asking my kids, “Wait.  Where’d you learn that?”, as the answer is always and inevitably somewhere in their travels on the interwebs.  There are websites for everything.  There are more formal classes if that’s what they like (lots of which are free!).  There are tutorials and history lessons and peer-reviewed articles. As long as you can figure out the right search terms, you can learn about anything your heart desires.  Which brings me to,

2) Critical thinking skills Learning to navigate the internet means learning the nuances of searching and browsing in general. And you may not have looked at it this way, but these are critical thinking skills that are easily transferred to other areas in life.  These are the skills that help us to be clear in our thoughts and in our questions.  These are the skills that help us to be discerning.  To learn how to scan, discard, and sort information. To think about what it is we’re learning, and how it does or does not apply to our lives. To make decisions about what we do or do not want to be filling our heads, and where we do or do not want to spend our time.  It teaches us to ponder, to question, to go deeper.  To jump down that rabbit hole of vast, intense learning, and smoothly and expertly ride down all the never-ending little trails and offshoots it has to offer, stopping only when we’ve had our fill, and picking it all up again (or not) when we are ready.

3) Enhanced relationships. My daughter is the biggest example of this, but no one in this family is excluded.  The only extrovert in a house full of introverts, she lives for and thrives on her play dates, and theater practice, and sleepovers.  But when she can’t be with her friends in person?  Skype to the rescue!  She learned to navigate Skype at an extremely young age, and my house is always filled with the sounds of her and various friends chatting, playing games, and singing together.  And if a friend does not have Skype?   No problem.  They just email.  Dozens of emails shot back and forth, in real time. (This is a great starter email for kids, if you’re looking for one. It’s parent-moderated and extremely user friendly) And my boys?  My oldest has been in two long-distance relationships online.  He regularly chats with, and games with, friends from all around the country.  He watches movies, virtually, with friends who are thousands of miles away.  My younger two boys recently made friends with two sisters at our unschooling conference.  They spent hours and hours and hours together at the conference, playing board games, and strategy games, and bluffing games  (This feels important to mention, as some detractors of giving kids freer reign on the internet think that it causes them to be unwilling/unable to play and interact in person, without a screen in front of them.  Not so much.)  They live just down in Tucson, so meeting up in person is not at all beyond the realm of possibility, but in the meantime the internet – and Discord in particular – have allowed them to continue to grow their friendship online.  They have spent pretty much every evening together, chatting, laughing, and playing cooperative games together.  And for me personally?  I have one invaluable group of women that laugh with me, cry with me, and give me honest advice … all mostly within the confines of a private Facebook group.  And last month, one of the hardest months I’ve had in a long time, I had one friend who just refused to leave me alone (in a good way).  She doesn’t live particularly nearby, so she texted and messaged me daily.  To check in.  To encourage me.  To push me.  To remind me to get dressed and take care of myself.  None of that would have been possible if we didn’t live in a digital world.

4) Conflict resolution. Lest I give the impression that digital interactions are always smooth sailing, this is the real world.  Stuff happens.  I’ve helped my kids navigate disagreements, deal with unkind behavior, and understand the nuances of playing and interacting with large groups of strangers.  I don’t know about you, but I would much prefer that they go out into the world already having this foundation of knowledge to stand on, and letting them interact digitally allows them to do just that.  They’re able to figure it all out at home, with me by their side… whether it means involving me or my husband to help sort the problem, or talking things through, or standing up for themselves, or – in some cases – utilizing that “block” button.  My kids are far more adept at skillfully and confidently handling any interpersonal problems that crop up than I ever was (heck, than I am at the present time as well), largely because of their ability to practice online.

5) Entertainment. People are really weird about this one, as if there is no inherent value in being entertained for entertainment’s sake.  But as a lover of all sorts of creative arts, AND as someone who’s worked really hard to learn how to protect my mental health, I can tell you that it’s not only okay to let yourself be entertained, but vital to a balanced and healthy life.  And the internet makes it so easy!  From streaming movies, to satire websites, to the ubiquitous funny cat videos, they is no shortage of ways to relax, reset, and enjoy the hard work and creative output of others.  My 13 year old loves to cook, and he’s been watching a YouTube channel that is part comedy, part recipe tutorials.  I love walking in to the room to find him laughing over its latest funny antics.  (Side note here:  As parents, we’re not always going to understand or appreciate the same sorts of things as our kids.  That’s okay!  We can still enjoy it through them, and appreciate their appreciation, and share in their excitement.)  It always breaks my heart to hear a parent talk about their child’s interest as “stupid” or “a waste of time.”  If they find it valuable, it’s valuable.

And finally,

6) A creative outlet to express themselves. You know those apps like Facebook, and Instagram, and Snapchat, and Musical.ly that so many people love to hate, and choose to fear?  They can be amazing tools for expressing yourself, for interacting and sharing with your peers, and for staying connected with others in a fun, real-time, meaningful way.  If I wasn’t able to follow my kids on social media, to see what they have to share, and how they choose to express themselves, I would be greatly missing out!  It has allowed me to see and appreciate a whole new facet of their personalities that I might not have otherwise gotten to enjoy.  It gives them an easy way to create.  To communicate.  To stretch their social muscles.  The argument, of course, is that those apps are dangerous.  And I mean, can they be used in harmful ways?  Can they give them possible access to people with less than positive motives?  Well sure.  But that’s not unique to digital interaction!  When I was in junior high, I was horribly bullied.  I once had a group of girls chase me into the bathroom, where I hid in a stall, and they proceeded to lean over the walls and spit on me.  I had no “block” button.  And I wouldn’t have had the confidence and emotional fortitude to use it even if I did.  My kids though?  They have confidence and emotional fortitude in spades.  And they possess this confidence in part because of apps like this, not in spite of them. The answer isn’t to live in fear and forbid these apps (because, let’s be real for a minute, if they want to use them they’re going to find a way.)  And would you rather that decision be an acrimonious one, filled with resentment and secrecy?  Or a transparent one, happy and respectful?  The answer is open communication. If you’re worried about a particular app, ask your kids about it!  Do they use it?  Do they want to? How does it work? What do they hope to get out of it?  My kids are always more than happy to talk to me about what they’re using.  And because I know that 1) they have a healthy amount of self-respect and personal boundaries, 2) they’re skilled at navigating interactions in a healthy, constructive way (see point #4), and 3) that they would be comfortable coming to me if they ever did encounter a problem, I truly don’t worry.  Instead I’m genuinely happy and grateful that they have so many fun ways to communicate and express themselves, and that they are so savvy in a world that didn’t even exist when I was their age.

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The internet isn’t going anywhere.  It’s something to embrace, to enjoy, and to learn to use responsibly.  It’s not the boogeyman. It’s a valid and useful (and important!) tool, for both the present and the future.  In the very wise words of my friend:

 

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