It’s Plank Pullin’ time! The one day a week that we strongly resolve to ignore the multitude of specks and sawdust around us and pull one bona fide plank from our own eye. Matthew 7:3-5, style.
This week’s Plank Pullin’ post isn’t really a plank. It’s a …. I don’t know what it is exactly, other than a big heaping scoop of reality. It’s hard to write about though, so I’m totally counting it as a plank.
Do you watch the show Friends? I’m of the opinion that Friends was one of the greatest TV shows of our generation. Part of its genius was its ability to get me to relate in some integral way to each of the very different members of the ensemble cast. Monica with all her neurosis; Phoebe with her free-spirited, hippy ways; Joey with his love of food…
Well, I could go on, but I’d fear I’d forget my point. So Ross. What I love about Ross – besides his incessant need to correct everyone’s grammar – is that he’s this absolutely intelligent man who still sort of bumbles through life getting into one weird predicament after another. He’s also a huge geek, to an almost embarrassing degree, but rather than running from it he embraces it. In the episode I’m thinking of tonight, he walks in on Joey and Rachel kissing, and of course it devastates him because Joey’s one of his best friends, and he’s still in love with Rachel (seriously, if you haven’t watched it, you’re missing out) They keep asking him if he’s okay, and he keeps insisting he’s “fine”, when he’s very clearly NOT fine. It’s at once hysterical and painful, and his level of “fine” just increases as the episode plays out.
Here, watch a great clip of the highlights on YouTube.
I have been Ross lately, except it’s not as funny in real life as it is in a sitcom. No, I didn’t walk in on my best friend kissing the girl I loved – although, wow, this would be an entirely different blog if I had, wouldn’t it? – but I’ve been busily playing “fine” the past several weeks, when everything around me is screaming, “You are SO. NOT. FINE.” With very few exceptions, my whole life I’ve always tried to keep pushing through the muck when I’m feeling depressed or stressed out. “Keep pushing, keep pushing”, I’ll tell myself, “and eventually you’ll get clear”. But it never works that way. I push and I push, and eventually it all catches up to me. I end up overwhelmed, exhausted, and uninspired. So deluged by the vast amount of “to-do’s” on my list that I can’t bring myself to do anything. Not sleeping well, not eating right, and just slogging away as though I’m under water.
Oh, but I’m fine.
And then I wake up one day and I realize that it’s been two weeks since I’ve had the slightest desire to leave the house, or see a friend, or be in any way social at all. I realize that I’m having a disproportionately difficult time dealing with people in general. I realize that I’m thinking about going back to bed from the time I get up, but I know that it won’t be restful because I won’t be sleeping anyway. I realize that I’m not taking much pleasure from the things that I usually enjoy, and I realize that I’m just very, very, very tired.
And I finally admit it to myself : Crap. I’m not fine.
The silver lining? (In what has turned into a rather depressing post. Sorry about that) Once I admit it, I can immediately start taking the steps to turn it around, to take care of myself, to work on once again getting to a place where things aren’t just “fine”, but great. Now is the time to be excited about life again, to be grateful for each new day, to appreciate all the little things. And life is filled with SO MANY wonderful little things!
Today was a good day. I spent a long time coloring with the girl in her new Dora coloring book. I walked with all four kids around the block (the first time it’s been cool enough to do so in a LONG time). I watched them grinning from ear to ear as they whizzed down the hill on their scooters, and it made my heart smile. I drew on the driveway with chalk. I vacuumed and folded laundry and mailed something special to a good friend.
And it was all better than fine.
Philippians 4:13- NAS
I can do all things through Him who strengthens me
Thanks for sharing this! I sooo feel that now that I’m a mother I am not allowed to be tired and should rather be some sort of wonder woman that I periodically (not often, but still…) feel the way you described, feeling guilty and like I’ve failed on top of it!
And angry at myself for not being grateful for all those wonderful people and everyday little miracles in my life! My medicine is usually a call to my mom, she’s the greatest healer of all illnesses and solver of all problems, big and small, she’s always been! And yet human 🙂
Enjoy the fall…
Btw, i love Friends too!
Thanks Sandra. That is awesome that you are able to call your mom and talk it out with her 🙂 I think that part of my problem is that I don’t feel like I have that go-to person. I have a lot of wonderful people in my life, but none that I feel I could just call to help make this better for me. But that could also just be because of that feeling that you mentioned of needing to be wonder woman, and not wanting to admit that I’m tired or guilty or angry at myself. It’s HARD to admit when things aren’t going well!
I just started attending a women’s bible study, and we’re watching the video Weird:Because Normal Isn’t Working. Its talking about what you just described-and more. I see a need to step back and enjoy stillness-but its easy to get overwhelmed. Rediscover the simple pleasures-its waiting for you 🙂
Sounds like a study I could use!
I don’t know if this helps, but I experience something very similar in my life. I am glad today was a good day for you. Even if you do not turn things around immediately, that is perfectly okay. Be as good to yourself, and give yourself as much time and patience, as you would to your husband and children. You are wonderful, Jen. In fact, that is the perfect word to describe you, because you are full of wonder for the universe, and you inspire that sense of wonder in others. My wish for you is that you will allow yourself to experience and meet whatever need arises (even if it is the need to be a recluse) until your heart wants something else.
Amy, thank you so much for bringing so much support and encouragement to me life. 🙂 I so appreciate you, and your words are *always* helpful. And I agree about following the need to be a recluse… except when it means that I’m also allowing myself to wallow in a depression and not care of myself and not enjoy life. That’s what I have been doing, and it’s not good for me OR my family. 🙁 So now I’ll take the time to take care of myself, and take baby steps towards something better, no matter what that may end up looking like 🙂
I’m so glad you are turning the corner! Coloring and getting outside are good remedies. 😉 My “plank” right now, I guess, is that I’m in a really bad place with my best friend..she’s barely talking to me…and it’s mostly my fault but I’m struggling with how to fix it. So I’m not really fine either, but I’ll get there. Hugs to you!
Thanks Erin! I’m sorry about the problem you are having with your friend. 🙁 That is always hard. Hugs to YOU too, while you work through it!
Thanks for sharing Jen! I can relate and right now some things are not great I don’t know what to do about it. It’s hard to control my attitude. I’m trying to remember what is good but it’s hard to not think about the crap.
Aw Steph, I’ve been noticing on FB that you’ve seemed down lately. I know exactly what you mean about not knowing what to do. It is hard to focus on the good sometimes when you feel like life keeps kicking you down. I hope things start looking up for you soon <3
I totally get this. I am fine a lot too. <3
I did snicker a little, because this was right in the middle of your "confession":
Online Web Therapy
Private session with our doctors via secure web video.
http://www.caltelepsych.com
Ha ha. Classic.
And I’m so glad to know that others can relate!
I, too, have struggled with depression. Usually it hits when I’m not having fun with the kids and instead, am listening too closely to the imagined critics in my head. You are right–the first step is to recognize where those voices come from and admit that I am feeling down because I am trying to measure up to my imaginings of what OTHERS expect, not what God expects. My husband also has some amazing insights and is great at encouraging me, making me laugh, and reminding me of what’s important. When all else fails, turn on some rockin’ worship music. Toby Mac, David Crowder . . .
I like that… the imagined critics in my head.
Sometimes the real critics in my life tend to get me down too. 🙁
This is a great post. I have to say I relate a lot. Kind sucks eh? I feel very alone sometimes. I’ve been dealing, (in my head) with parental influence lately. I guess I am trying to process it somehow and figure out how to get over some things. I know all the things that I have issues with are gifts from my parents. LOL My biggest thing is trying to figure it out so I don’t have kids with the same issues.
So glad you are doing better. 🙂 <3
It’s always amazing to me how old issues can crop up so many years after the fact, so I can relate to what you’ve said here. I hope that you can work through everything you are dealing with as smoothly as possible too … I know it is not easy! And thanks for encouragement and kind words. <3