I have been spending too much a little bit of spare time on Pinterest. If you’re not familiar with it, it is essentially a virtual bulletin board, where you can create different boards for different things (recipes, vacation ideas, crafts…. whatever you’d like) and then “pin” the photos for various links you want to save. You can share pins with others, browse what your friends are pinning, and “like”, comment on, and re-pin others’ pins. I’m a visual person, so I find the very concept incredibly fun and inspiring – all those annoying photos of people making heart shapes with their fingers notwithstanding.
A side effect of Pinterest though, is the visceral reaction I feel when I come across a parenting-related ‘pin’ that I disagree with. It inevitably goes something like this:
HappyHappyHappy, PinPinPin, What?Oh.Yuck. I finally decided to start saving these pins too, to inspire me in a different way, and to remind me of what I don’t want to do. The most recent one was a photo of a handwritten note taped to what was presumably a front door, that read:
You have missed curfew! Do not knock or ring the doorbell. You may sleep on the patio. I have been generous this time and provided a blanket.
Now, I don’t know the origin of this note. Maybe it wasn’t real. Maybe it was a joke. Or maybe it was very real, and the person who wrote it thought it’d be funny to share it.
I’m not laughing. I don’t think it’s funny when kids are mistreated.
What bothered me much more than the note though, was the sheer number of comments beneath it, praising its author for such exemplary parenting. Since when did locking your child out of the house for the night become the harbinger of excellence in parenting?
I keep hearing that too many teens today are so disrespectful. Bratty. Entitled. And you know what? That well may be the case. I wouldn’t know. My teen, his 11 year old brother (who in many respects acts like a teen) and all their teenaged friends are delightful, pleasant people who I’m always happy to be around. But for the sake of argument, I’ll say that the naysayers are right. Teens today are more troubled than ever before. If that were true, would it make any kind of logical sense to be anything but more compassionate, more available, and more engaged? Would it not be more important than EVER to be there for them, to be their partner, to be that person – maybe the only person in their life – who takes them by the hand and says, “You know what, no matter what happens, I’m on your side.” It seems to me that the teenaged years are a time to keep your relationship a top priority, not a time to actually further remove yourself from their lives (which, if you’re banishing them to the front porch is exactly what you’re doing… in a best-case scenario)
But he needs to be taught a lesson! He needs to learn he can’t miss curfew!
I would argue that the curfew was unnecessary in the first place. People with trusting relationships don’t need to place arbitrary limits on each other’s comings and goings. But the curfew was there, and for whatever reason he missed it. So what lesson might he learn from his parents’ actions? For one thing, he’ll learn not to get caught next time. He’ll learn not to trust his parents, and that his parents don’t trust him. He’ll learn that being out with his friends feels like a safer, happier, more accepting place than being in his own home. He’ll learn that when he goes through a difficult period or a struggle or a hard time in his life (and he will go through a difficult period or a struggle or a hard time in his life) that his parents will be the last people he can turn to for unconditional love, honest advice, and a supportive, sympathetic ear.
Being a teenager can be challenging at times, to be sure. You’re trying to find your place in the world, you’re walking the fine precipice between childhood and adulthood, you’re pushing your own limits, and you’re figuring out how you want to navigate the life that’s unfolding around you. In many ways, it’s not unlike the growing pains that my soon to be 4-year-old is experiencing, as she steps from babyhood to being a “big girl.” Helping her, and my boys, as they transition to the next phase of their lives is teaching me to be even more present in their lives. To be even more of a parent, a partner, and a friend. To be more compassionate, to be more understanding, and to be more connected.
And I can’t very well do that if I’m locking them out of the house.
YES.
I agree. This is not the wisest choice in parenting. So called “tough-love” can often backfire in the parent’s face. Making such a giant issue out of such small things like curfews are often unnecessary. I think about it this way, your child should always have the opportunity to have open communication with you in order to explain why something has happened or to apologize for a bad choice. Locking them out of the house certainly doesn’t allow that communication to happen. It is authoritarian and abusive. Maybe if that kid is locked out of the house enough times they will stop coming home all together! Is it better to have a policy of communication that encourages mutual respect, trust and understanding that will allow lateness on a silly curfew or to have a teen who is a runaway or missing person?! This type of parenting is how a lot of kids end up on the street.
I agree.
Our policy was not to have a strict established curfew but to discuss together for each outing about when the child(ren) expected to be home and to insure that they would call if delayed. I do not recall that this policy was ever abused and we did always know where they were and received phone calls when they were delayed. This policy taught our children responsibility and autonomy far better and earlier than a strict curfew would have done. They knew we trusted and respected them so they behaved as respectful and trustworthy themselves. Establish only a few rules for safety–the fewer the better. Children will be out of the house so soon, why make it sooner because of excessive rules?
Yes, what you’ve described is very similar to my own house growing up. I never had a set curfew, but we’d always talk about where I was going, what time I thought I’d be back, etc. On those rare occasions that I wasn’t able to make it home when I thought I would, I would call and let them know.
Yes. For some reason, this blog post hit a nerve and brought tears to my eyes. Perhaps it is from memories of my own teenage years that I’ve locked away because the memories are painful. Perhaps it is from the few times that I have made my own parenting blunders. It really is fluid, this parenting thing. Just when you think you grasp the right ideals and are moving smoothing along with your child, they go through a growth phase and it starts all over again. The key is (I think) being able to really *see* that we don’t know it all. That just because we were being present and respectful and loving towards them last month, doesn’t mean those exact same things will be working today. We have to stay with them! Stay in tune with them, communicate, and be present. It isn’t something we do for three years, send them off to preschool or kindergarten and then its over. It will change, morph, and grow for the rest of their lives! All of that was just meant to say that I loved this post, and I whole-heartedly agree. Deeply.
You’ve only made a few parenting blunders? Then you’re doing way better than I am. <3 And, yes, yes, yes.... it's definitely a constantly moving, changing, growing, learning fluid thing.
HAHAHA. Well a “few” is a pretty generic term. š
I also am taken back to a time when I missed a curfew that I didn’t even know was there and was given a disproportionate and unjust punishment. I left home after that. I think that probably illustrates your point perfectly.
Yes, I speak from personal experiences also and those of my friends when we were teens. This type of punishment does not produce positive results. I am now the mother of seven children ages 23, 16, 12, 10, 8, 4 and 2. I would NEVER do this to any of them. I have no reason to. We have open communication, respect and trust for each other. Locking your kid out of the house is dangerous and stupid.
I’m so sorry that happened to you.
I totally agree…if your kid is a brat, you probably have something to do with that!
Yes, if your child is staying out without letting you know where they are, something is amiss in your relationship.
If I missed curfew the choice between staying out all night with friends or risk coming home and sleeping on the patio with one blanket, gee, that’s a no brainer…
I wonder how long it will be before this child doesn’t come home??
That was my thought exactly. I know I wouldn’t want to keep coming home if that’s what I was greeted with.
Wonderful post (as always). I’ve been seeing some icky stuff like this on Pinterest too. I see much more on Facebook, but it’s showing up everywhere, and it never fails to sadden me. I taught high school for a while, so some of my former colleagues post things about their students like this as well. How I wish they could see the damage they do with this kind of thinking.
YES. Absolutely! Amen!
You rock girlfriend! I’ve seen that quote and it ignited a response that I won’t share here š You hit it!
You have no idea how much I appreciate you, and the fact that you always ‘get it!!’ <3
Kinda funny…..I saw that same pin, and thought it was referring to a husband coming home late. ;P Your blog just made me go, “Ohhhhhhhh….” š
i cant imagine locking your child out of the house for missing curfew. I do believe that even if you do have a “curfew” doesn’t mean you don’t have a trusting relationship. I was always brought up that it is common courtesy to tell loved ones when you will be home. I tell my kids and dh when I will be home and if I am going to be late I call. I expect the same from them. A simple phone call if they are late is appreciated. I don’t imagine punishing due to a curfew being missed but I will explain why I feel it is important to give a call when they are running late.
Oh absolutely! Letting each other know when you expect to be home and/or calling if you’ll be late is just, as you said, common courtesy. Communication is important for any relationship. That’s a very different thing than an arbitrary, parent-imposed curfew that they have to meet “or else.” This kid was instructed not to ring the bell or knock on the door, so he was never even given a chance to explain or apologize. THAT is not open communication.
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I do have to say that I had a “tough love” talk with a neighbour who does not have kids a few weeks ago. He felt that all children should feel there is a “higher power” in the household and the should be scared of at least one parent so to be sure they will behave. I was very surprised at this and wasn’t sure what to say. I explained that I don’t want my kids to be afraid if either of us. I don’t want them to do the “right thing” because they are afraid of us catching them. I told him I want them to do the right thing because its the right thing. I want them to follow their concience. I hate to think of my child being afraid of me or their dad. I always tell them there is nothing so horrible that they can’t come to us, not “if you ever do ___, I’ll ___!!” He really never understood what I was saying. He seemed to feel there was the need for an almighty authority figure.
Far out! As usual, I am so grateful for your writing and opinions. Putting words to uncomfortable feelings that I am trying to sort out my problem with! Thanks š
shut up the child need to lear a lesson
really!!! the child needs to learn a lesson the parent wasnt being to hard, every one PUS*Y foots around how to punish your child and you wonder y we have so mant problems with youths these days
Really? As you said, you DON’T know the situation. Perhaps a curfew was establishes because thw child continuously stayed out WITHOIT calling. To say that establishing a curfew means no trust is like saying you buy insurance because you don’t believe in God’s grace. And who even says this is for a child?? You are a very self-righteous person and you should seriously check that!
“No matter what happens, Iām on your side.ā That is exactly why my ex-husband got away with molesting my daughter. His mother and father hired an attorney and created a huge smear campaign against my children and me. He won’t be on the sex offender registry and won’t have a criminal record, so he’s free to go molest and rape everyone else’s children (I hope you don’t live near him). People like you raise narcissists and sociopaths because you don’t teach consequences or empathy. People need to learn that life isn’t always nice or comfortable and if everyone kisses their rear ends all the time they NEVER learn it. They never learn what pain feels like, what a cold night feels like, what hunger is like, experiences teach empathy because you have something to compare your “normal” feelings to. My ex and his parents are great friends. His parents have no friends their own age, they spend their social time with their adult children and the few friends their children have. That is NOT normal. You are teaching your kids to rely on you completely, and they will not be able to make decisions based on experience because you have made everything comfortable and nice for them. You will have to handle everything for them until the day you die and always have to clean up their messes because they will always be inept on their own. The world will not thank you for raising selfish creatures that only have feelings for themselves.
My “bright star” of a mom did this to me when I was 16 – needless to say, it didn’t turn out well (certainly not the way she intended). Some things happened that night that I still struggle with – and I am 60 years old! Never, ever, no never lock your child out of his/her home. It is devastating!