Category Archives: Facebook

June 22, 2013 · 6:00 AM

10 Really Nice Things About Facebook

My first Facebook profile picture. May 2008.

Almost immediately after posting my 10 Things That Drive Me Crazy About Facebook post, I thought, “Since it’s a love/hate relationship, isn’t it only fair that I post the “love” side as well?” Otherwise, I’m only telling half the story. Here then, in no particular order, are my ten most favorite things about Facebook, and the reasons that I keep sticking around, duck faces and all.

1. It helps me find my “people.” I don’t fit in in a lot of places. To be more accurate, I don’t fit in most places. But thanks to groups and pages on Facebook, I’ve been able to find other people who get it. People who get what it’s like to be a Christian who’s judged by other Christians for not being a conservative Republican (or really, for not being a conservative anything). People who get what it’s like to be very much alone in most Christian circles for things like being a strong advocate of gay marriage. People who get not just unschooling, but radical unschooling. People who get gentle parenting, and people who get the difference between gentle parenting and permissive parenting. People who get and accept ME… in all my weird, perfectly imperfect, God-loving, life-learning, free-thinking, system-bucking glory.

2. It’s reconnected me with people from my past. Whenever I think of my past, it’s with a strange sort of disconnection. It’s not that I had a bad childhood or adolescence (I didn’t, at all), it’s just that I always felt like more of a passive observer than an active participant. I didn’t know who I was, or what I was doing, or what I wanted really. Since I barely understood myself, my connections with others were… limited. So it’s been really really cool to reconnect with people from my past… from old high school classmates (some of whom I barely knew), to people I used to go to church with, to relatives I haven’t seen for 30 years… and to be able to get to know them through newly found adult perspective and experiences.

3. It’s an introvert’s dream mode of communication. Seriously. I get to decide who’s at the party that is Facebook. I can make people go away with one little click of a button. I get to decide how often I check in, and when, and for what purpose. If I’ve had enough, all I have to do is close my laptop. I can sit back and just listen and watch and observe as much as I want, and I only have to talk when I want to talk. And the best part is, I don’t have to physically “talk” at all! For someone whose preferred mode of communication is the written word anyway, it just doesn’t get much better.

4. It delivered an unexpected apology. When I was 15, I had a boyfriend named Bobby. Though there’d be other boys after him, until I met my now-husband Mike, Bobby was always “the one”. The one that got away. The one that I’d measure all future guys against. When he broke up with me, it was the kind of heartbreaking teenage devastation so severe that I felt like I’d just Never. Get. Over. It. Squashed me like a bug. Alas, I did eventually get over it, and happily (if with some battle scars) went on with my life. About four years ago, we briefly – and innocently – connected on Facebook, and in the ensuing conversation I got something I never ever ever thought I’d receive: An apology for those hurts so many, many years before. Would the sun have continued to rise and set if I’d never gotten it? Of course. But I’ll tell you what… unexpected apologies are pretty wonderful things, even when it’s for something that happened 24 years ago. Even when it’s for something that’s been long ago forgiven.

5. It makes me smarter. Okay, so maybe I shouldn’t go so far as to say it actually makes me smarter, but, dang… I have a lot of interesting friends who post a lot of interesting things. Things that push me, and challenge me, in the best possible way. Articles that make me think. Videos that make me cry. Blog posts that make me feel inspired. I mean, sure, it’s got plenty of mind-numbing drivel too… but in between the grumpy cat pictures and the Ryan Gosling “Hey Girl” memes, there’s some good good stuff to be had. It’s a veritable and unending stream of up to the minute information.

6. It gives me immediate answers to my questions. I try really hard not to use it for this purpose too often, because I figure it’s probably fairly annoying, but I LOVE that I can post a question – whether it’s for a recommendation for a local thai place, a confusion I have about WordPress, the best organization app for Android, or anything in between – and immediately get a dozen responses. Last night, Tegan was playing with some of her Disney princess figurines, and didn’t know what two of their names were. I uploaded a picture, and within minutes had my answer (Aurora and Tiana, in case you were wondering.) That there is just plain awesome.

7. It makes me laugh. I don’t always want to be challenged or inspired or moved. Sometimes I just want to see, read, or listen to things that make me laugh. Facebook provides that in spades.

8. It lets me know I’m not alone. I think that sometimes (or often) all we really need is to feel connected. To feel like we’re not alone. Yes, even us card-carrying introverts. Facebook can be invaluable in helping to fulfill this need. A couple of clicks and a few strokes of the keyboard, and we’re there. Someone’s listening, and someone understands. I have 500 something friends on Facebook, and it honestly comforts me just to know that at any given time, someone has been through whatever it is I’m going through… whether it’s the frustration of ongoing physical pain, or the heartbreak of seeing my children hurt in any way, or just the day-to-day struggles that come on the journey of being a mom (and a human). Someone gets it.

9. It keeps me in touch with far-away family. My parents and my sister and her family all live here in Arizona. Everyone else – from Mike’s entire family to all my extended family of aunts, uncles and cousins – all still live on the east coast. Thanks to Facebook and their posts, pictures, and updates, their goings-on are here on my computer every day, which is the next best thing to actually being together.

10. It’s an outlet. For many many years, I kept a journal. I really don’t anymore, at least not with any regularity, but that need to just… purge.. is still there. I don’t believe in therapy, and I intensely dislike the phone. But if I feel a pressing need to immediately get something off my chest, and no one’s around to listen? Facebook is there.

And really, that just sums it all up… when it comes right down to it, Facebook is always there.

(If you haven’t yet read the things that drive me crazy about Facebook, you can find that here.)

1 Comment

Filed under about me, Facebook, random

June 19, 2013 · 8:07 AM

10 Facebook Behaviors That Drive Me Crazy (and 5 that don’t)

I’ve said it before, and I’ll no doubt say it again: My relationship with Facebook is a love/hate relationship to be sure. If you’re even reading this, you likely came from a link on Facebook, and for that I’m thankful. It’s also served to be invaluable to connecting (and reconnecting) with all kinds of important people in my life. So there’s that.

But. My word. Sometimes I’m convinced that Facebook’s existence is nothing more than an invariable stream of humanity’s most irritating behaviors. Here’s a list of my top ten, culled from a list of 17 jillion.

10. Everybody’s a doctor. This actually isn’t limited to Facebook. Facebook just provides an easy forum for this annoying phenomenon of people’s need to diagnose and treat everyone with so much as a sniffle. Mention a headache, and you’re suddenly overrun with surefire cures of pills, creams, herbs, oils, vitamins, and procedures. I’ve started to seriously weigh what I’m thinking of sharing against how much unsolicited advice it’s going to garner (which means I almost never share that stuff any more) If you actually ARE a doctor, you get a pass on this one.

9. Mean-spirited political and/or religion related posts. If I wasn’t sure of this before the advent of Facebook, I sure was darn sure afterwards. Politics and religion make too many people mean. I dread election season. DREAD. IT. Mainly because most people are too busy maligning the candidate/party they don’t want to bother actually talking about the one they do want (which might actually make for an interesting discussion). You’re voting Republican? Great! Why the need to call everyone who’s not an “idiot”? And it’s the same thing when it comes to religion. You’re an atheist? Awesome! Why’s it necessary to share the hurtful memes making fun of Christians? Most of this list I can laugh off, but this one just makes me…. sad. Mean things make me sad.

8. Incessant complaining. I’m not talking about the occasional bad day. I’m not talking about sharing about a tough time you might be going through. I’m not even talking about the “glass is half empty” people. I’m talking about the “I *have* no glass, my life is miserable, the whole world sucks, and I’ll be damned if I don’t spew my negativity all over everyone’s newsfeed all the live long day” people. And an honorable mention goes out to their polar opposites as well, the ones who’d have you believe they’ve never had a bad day at all, whose lives are rainbows and sunshine and unicorns ALL THE TIME.

7. Incessant bragging. This is the guy who’s the best husband/father/employee/athlete/superhero/human being on the planet. And he makes sure you know it.

6. Self-promotion. Facebook makes it really easy for you to set up pages or groups, so that when you start a blog or a business or your latest MLM venture, you can make one little post letting people know, and then keep all your ~~spamming~~ advertising there, strictly for the people who’ve signed on the dotted line as being interested in actually wanting to see it. It’s easy. Really. Try it.

5. Too many “selfies”. I just recently learned that term. I’m getting old … a little slow on the jargon. Here’s the thing: It’s nice to see photos of your new haircut. It’s totally understandable that you’d want to show off your new tattoo. It’s fun to virtually tag along on your vacation. I even get it if it’s just been awhile since you updated your profile picture. But there comes a point when it’s just too many. Especially if you’re not 15. If every other picture on my newsfeed is your face, again, in varying shots of the same exact pose, it’s too many. Somewhere between 1 and 50 new pictures a month is too many.

4. Vague-booking. This is how vague-booking works: Person A “Oh I don’t know if I can take another day of this!!!” Person B “Oh honey, what’s going on??” Person A “I’d really rather not say….” This mostly annoys me because I don’t understand it. You’d assume it’s just for attention. But if you’re going to post just to get attention, wouldn’t it make much more sense to post about something you CAN talk about, rather than something that you can’t? The conversation pretty much begins and ends with a vague and cryptic announcement of passive-aggressiveness. If you need to publicly vent, vent. But at least give us the courtesy of knowing what it is you’re venting about.

3. Mushy love stuff. I honestly don’t know why this bothers me, but it’s probably the same reason that I don’t like weddings, and that people think I don’t like to hug people (I do, honest!). I guess I just feel like your relationship with your spouse/significant other is kind of personal and private, so it’s…. odd, very odd to me when people publicly gush about them. Anniversary posts make me cringe. Tell HIM you love him, tell HIM he’s your best friend. No need to tell Facebook, too. But too much kindness is still way better than:

2. Trash-talking your spouse and/or kids. It’s disrespectful, uncouth, and uncool. The only person it makes look bad is you. Just don’t.

1. Two words: Duck. Face.

And these are five that don’t especially bother me (with just a few caveats), though they do seem to bother a lot of other people:

1. Pictures of your kids. I have four kids. I think my kids are the cutest kids on the planet too. I get it.

2. Pictures of your pets. Pets are cute too.

3. Pictures of your dinner. Food is one of my favorite things. I like eating food. I like looking at pretty pictures of food. I do not like hearing a blow-by-blow account of every ingredient in said food though, especially if it’s constantly prefaced by the words “organic,” and/or “gluten-free.” Eating organic is wonderful. So is eating gluten-free if that’s your thing. Sounding pretentious isn’t.

4. Talking about your workout. I teach yoga. I can understand wanting to be healthy. I enjoy encouraging people on their progress. I even appreciate a well-timed before and after picture. But… it’s really okay if you don’t tell us every time you go to the gym or go for a run.

5. Anything that George Takei shares. He’s just cool.

Which ones do you disagree with? What would you add to the list?

16 Comments

Filed under Facebook, random, rant

July 5, 2012 · 6:00 AM

I stole your stuff. Now I’m holding it for ransom.

Earlier this week, another Pinterest gem went all crazy viral on Facebook. It showed a photo of a large tupperware type bin with a poem taped to the side. The poem informed the kids that they’d left their stuff out, so mom’s confiscated it. If they wanted to get it back, they had to do a chore to earn it. Next to the poem was a little envelope labeled “chores”, where presumably the child could pick from such tasks as sweeping, vacuuming, and doing the dishes.

Like most things that travel so widely so quickly, it left everyone in my newsfeed clearly divided by a line in the sand: Those who thought the idea was brilliant, and couldn’t wait to implement it in their own house, and those – like myself – who thought….. well, otherwise. Over and over I saw the same questions aimed at those who didn’t like it. “Why wouldn’t you like it?” “What’s wrong with it?” And on my own Facebook page, “What’s wrong with all of you??” I’m going to ignore that last question, but to give people the benefit of the doubt I’ll assume the first two are sincere. Here then are the top five reasons this isn’t something you’d find in my home, in no particular order:

It’s not very nice. Taking possession of something that doesn’t belong to you is theft. Let’s just start there. My children’s things are their own, and it’s not my place to take them, let alone take them and then demand they pay me in some way to get them back. If I left my phone laying around (something ~~that I do all. the. time.~~ that’s been known to happen) I’d be pretty ticked off if my husband decided it was his until I’d scrubbed the bathtub or ironed his work shirts. If I wouldn’t like it done to myself, I wouldn’t do it to my kids.

It teaches kids that chores are punishments. Things like washing the dishes, sweeping the floor, and doing laundry are a part of life and a part of keeping a nice home…. something that we can either learn to do joyfully, or learn to view as… well, a chore: something unpleasant, and something to be dreaded. If a child grows up associating doing chores with 1) doing something “wrong” by not putting some treasured item away, and 2) being forced to earn said item back when it was taken away from them, which view do you suppose they’ll carry with them into adulthood?

It places blame on kids for something we’re all guilty of. My husband is an admittedly much tidier person than I am, but even he will leave a cup on the end table, or his laptop in the living room. I’m forever leaving that aforementioned cell phone all over the house, I’m constantly losing my mug of coffee, and it’s not uncommon for me to have books, notebooks, and other current projects out where I can easily find them. Things don’t always get put away at the end of the day, and that’s okay! Sometimes we forget, sometimes we’re busy with other things, sometimes playing games with the kids takes precedence over any clean-up. The difference is, as adults we’re not punished for it. We deal with it the next day, and life goes on.

It emphasizes an “us versus them” mentality. A system like this sets up mom as the dictator, and the kids at her beck and call. A lot of people seem to think that if it doesn’t work that way that the kids must run the house. To the contrary, in our house we operate as a family. We’re all on the same team. It’s not my house, or my husband’s house, or the kids’ house…. it’s our house. We all work together, and we respect each other’s things. If something’s left out, and it’s an issue for someone else, it’s no more simple nor complicated than this: “Spencer, can you please come get your project off the counter so we can make dinner?” And he comes to get it. Problem solved. If he can’t come right that second for whatever reason, we move it for him, into his room or onto to his desk. He knows it’s safe, we have the counter back, and we can make dinner. Problem solved.

It’s a temporary (and rather arbitrary) solution. It’s a quick fix. I find it odd and somewhat confusing when people justify this kind of thing by saying “I’m not going to raise ungrateful little brats who don’t respect their belongings.” This isn’t going to teach them to respect their belongings. It’s not going to teach them to pick up their things. It’s going to temporarily make them pick up their things, because they don’t want mom to take them, and/or because they don’t want to have to do the chores to get them back. Mom doesn’t have to worry about the stuff hanging around anymore, plus she gets someone to do the chores she doesn’t want to do anymore. Win/win, right? But what’s going to happen when the child is grown, and mom’s not around to confiscate his things? What’s he going to do when he lives on his own and can leave his stuff wherever he damn well pleases, without fear of someone snatching it? Sure, it’s easy and convenient to just take away all their things, but what is it going to accomplish in the long term? And what is it going to do to your relationship with your child? If you want your children to learn how to take care of their things, show them how to take care of their things. Help them take care of their things. Let them see you taking care of your own things. Put in the effort! As for the mess, and the chores….

Everyone has his/her own personal level of tidiness. Some people live and work best in chaos, and others are uncomfortable with anything but hospital corners and floors you can eat off of. We have six people in our house, and all of us are different. My daily struggle with this issue is the fact that messes make me crazy… and yet I tend to make a mess everywhere I go. It’s my struggle though. Not my husband’s, and not my kid’s. If *I* am bothered by a mess, I will clean it. If I need help, I’ll ask for it. But it wouldn’t be fair for me to impose my style on the rest of the family, nor would it be fair for them to impose theirs onto me. We respect each other’s differences, we communicate, we compromise, we give and we take. We operate as a family.

This house is our haven. The one place we’re guaranteed to be free to be ourselves, and free to give and receive unconditional love. To learn, to play, to experiment, to grow. Sometimes our house is clean. Sometimes it’s messy. Sometimes it’s very messy.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

164 Comments

Filed under Facebook, gentle discipline, mindful parenting, parenting

June 2, 2012 · 6:35 PM

The Problem with Facebook Parenting

I’m disheartened.

I’ve been getting two diametrically opposed types of comments and messages lately. The first is people pointing my attention to various articles, stories and posts about things that they know I’ll disagree with parenting-wise, and that they hope I’ll write about. I appreciate that because 1) it’s humbling to think anyone would want my opinion about anything at all, and 2) if I’m going to write about parenting, I need to constantly keep up with what’s going on. The other, people telling me that I’m focusing too much on negatives, and should just worry about my own family, is appreciated as well (if it’s done somewhat kindly) because it keeps me balanced and in check. No one wants to read a constant barrage of bitter diatribes, and I get that.

But I can’t keep quiet about this trend of parenting by humiliating your child on Facebook. I can’t. And what’s bothering me just as much as these stories themselves, is the number of people who don’t seem to see anything wrong with it.

Because there is something wrong with it.

You all saw the video of the dad shooting his daughter’s laptop. Since then, it’s seemed to have spawned a dozen copycats. There was the mom who edited her daughter’s profile picture with a big, red X over her mouth when she didn’t like the girl’s language, accompanied with the text, “I do not know how to keep my [mouth shut]. I am no longer allowed on Facebook or my phone. Please ask why.” There was the dad who posted a picture of his son, crying, with a board around his neck that read, “I lied to my family.” More recently, there was a mom who punished her (underage) daughter for posting a picture with alcohol in it by photographing her – again, crying- while holding a sign reading, “Since I want to post photos of me holding liquor I am obviously not ready for social media and will be taking a hiatus until I learn what I should + should not post. BYE-BYE.” And many more in between.

(*I purposely did not provide the links, but they are unfortunately easily found through Google.*)

So what’s the problem? Well, setting aside the obvious issue of hypocrisy… Since you can’t use the internet appropriately, I’ll model appropriate use for you by using it to shame and humiliate my offspring (??)… there is the both deeper and more basic matter of how we treat each other:

Purposely and publicly humiliating someone you love is not a nice thing to do.

Have you ever been really humiliated? It’s not just embarrassment. Humiliation hurts. I remember once in high school, someone took a… compromising, I guess you’d say… photo of a classmate at a party, taped it to piece of paper with some biting commentary, and somehow got it behind the glass in the trophy display case. By the time an administrator could come with a key, it had been seen and laughed at by half the school. Another time, there was a school play, and there was one scene where the stage was occupied by a lone girl giving a monologue. She was not a member of any of the “popular” cliques, and she was overweight… both of which made her an easy target for bullies. The auditorium was silent as she paused between lines, and in the silence came a loud and projecting voice in the audience that shouted, “How Now, Brown Cow?” Some people laughed, some were stunned with sympathy, and the girl ran off the stage in tears.

That’s humiliation.

In both of those cases, the one doing the humiliating was not a trusted friend but just another person in a sea of classmates. The humiliation took place in front of 50, maybe 100, people. How much worse would it feel to be humiliated by a parent who loves you, someone you’re supposed to be able to go to with your problems, someone you’re supposed to be able to trust? How much worse would it feel to not only have it shared with your friends and family, but to have it broadcast to thousands, to tens of thousands, to tens of millions all across the internet? To have it splashed about as though it were entertainment? Do you think that this child is going to turn to their parent the next time they’re struggling with something?

No good can come to a relationship from such an incredible breach of trust. Would it work in terms of changing the child’s behavior? Possibly… although I’d argue that it’d be just as likely to backfire and actually increase the behavior in an act of rebellion. And I don’t know about you, but I never want my kids to behave in a certain way just for the sake of behaving, or out of fear of what my next public punishment might be. Whenever I’m faced with a question of how to proceed with my kids, I ask myself if my chosen course of action will bring us closer together or pull us further apart. What matters to me most is our relationship, and the knowledge that when they do encounter a hurdle or a problem or a stumbling block or a mistake (and they will, because they’re human) that they’ll feel they can come to me, and that I’ll listen.

Before I get the cries of, “Who the hell are you to judge these families?? You don’t know what kind of problems they have. You don’t know what goes on inside their house…” That’s correct. I don’t know. I don’t pretend to know. In fact, I have a lot of compassion for these families, because they’re obviously a) at a very desperate place in their parenting journey, or b) don’t know that there are alternatives… both of which are sad situations to be sure. I once received an email from someone who was certain I was going to judge her, because she’d called the cops on one of her teenaged children who was abusing drugs. And another who’d actually had to kick a child out of her house in order to keep peace within the home. And here’s the thing: I’ve never dealt with either of those issues. I don’t know what that’s like, and I could never say with certainty how I would or would not handle it.

I will say this though: there is a big difference between privately being a catalyst for help, for doing what you need to do to keep your children and/or family members safe; and very publicly and purposely humiliating your child in the name of “discipline.”

Despite what this barrage of current stories might tell you, “parenting” over Facebook is not cool, it’s not funny, and it’s not helpful. But more than any of the above, it’s just not nice.

15 Comments

Filed under Facebook, gentle discipline, gentle parenting, hypocrisy, mindful parenting, parenting

April 30, 2012 · 8:09 AM

Walking On Egg Shells

I hate the internet. I mean, I love the internet. But sometimes… I really hate it. That has never been more true than it has the past couple of weeks. I guess maybe I shouldn’t admit that, being a blogger, but there it is. And it’s kind of the crux of my whole point today: The things I shouldn’t say.

A few days ago, I saw a video going around Facebook. It was a home video of a dad and his three kids singing Bohemian Rhapsody in their car. We’re big Queen fans around here so I thought it was cute. I was about to share to it, when I started skimming through some of the negative comments. First there was horror that one of the little girls was sitting in the front seat. Then there was something about the toddlers strap on his car seat. That was all followed up with “What an inappropriate song to be singing with your kids!” I thought about my own page, and how I’ve seen the same kind of comments on even the most innocuous seeming posts. I didn’t really feel like getting into a lengthy and exhausting “thing” over a silly video.

So I didn’t share it.

And the more I thought about it, the more ticked off (at myself!) I felt. I was really irritated that I wouldn’t post something that I liked, on my page, just because I knew there’d be negative reactions. But the truth is, I’ve grown tired.

Lately there has been a barrage of videos, articles, and other posts about discipline that I’ve strongly disagreed with. I have to really weigh whether I want to opine on them though, because doing so always gets me called judgemental. And critical. And hypocritical. And why can’t I just “support other parents no matter how they do things?” That goes doubly for when I talk about spanking. Or crying it out. Or dads shooting their daughter’s laptops.

I can’t express my opinions about schools either, because apparently that’s not fair to teachers (and the fact that I’ve never had a disparaging thing to say about teachers is of little consequence)

I have to be careful about writing too many happy, good-day stories about the kids, because those always invite the snarky, “Oh it must be so nice to have such a perfect life” comments.

I can’t write too many downer posts either, because those bring the admonishments to get over myself and Just Focus On The Positive.

When Kirk Cameron made his remarks about homosexuality recently, I was shushed before I even began to give an opinion. (I disagreed with him, for whatever it’s worth) I couldn’t say it though, without getting screamed at about how unfair I was being, and how mean it was, and how he was being unnecessarily bullied. Besides, I was told, it was too controversial of a topic anyway. It would alienate too many readers. I should stick to writing about parenting (as long as I’m not being judgemental) or homeschooling (as long as I don’t mention school) or stories about my kids (as long as they’re not too happy. Or too sad.)

I don’t like walking on egg shells. Or writing on them, as it were. I can’t write my blog to please other people. I learned a long time ago that living your life to try to please others is a painful lesson in futility anyway. I don’t want this space to become some watered down version of itself simply because it’s more comfortable. I ultimately started it for myself, and while I’m very thankful that a few people seemed to read it and pay attention, at the end of the day I’d rather have a blog that’s authentic and read by 10 than a blog that’s “safe” and read by 10,000.

I was recently unfriended and subsequently blocked by a longtime Facebook friend. I don’t know why. I’m not welcome or able to contact her to tell her this, but I have to thank her in all sincerity. Getting dumped as a friend – again – painful though it was, served as an impetus to once again renew my conviction to just be me. I can’t do anything else. How people respond to me, to my blog, to the things I share…. that’s their business, not mine. I will fully admit that I haven’t gotten this blogging thing all figured out yet. Or this parenting thing. Or this life thing. But I can also tell you – promise you even – that what you see here will be real… the good, the bad, the ugly; whether you agree, disagree, or just don’t care. It’ll be messy. That’s real life. And that’s me.

And to prove it, here’s that Queen video that I convinced myself not to post. Enjoy it, or not. 🙂

57 Comments

Filed under about me, blogging, Facebook, life, rant, writing

April 12, 2012 · 8:37 AM

Mom’s Rules

Once again, less than stellar parenting advice from Facebook. I don’t post rules in my house, but if I did, mine would look more like this:

If I cook it….. it’s probably something we all like and enjoy. Regardless, you are welcome to eat all, some, or none of it, according to your own appetite and personal taste.

If I buy it… and I give it to you, it’s a gift. It’s yours, with no strings and no conditions.

If I wash it… it’s done out of a sense of love and cooperation. I wouldn’t expect you to put it away for any other reason.

If I clean it… it’s because I wanted it clean. If I ask for your help in keeping it that way, it’s a request, not a demand.

If I say bed time… it means I’m going to bed. Because you’re free to follow your own internal clock, you’ll say good night when you go to bed… whether it’s in your own bed, or nestled between mom and dad.

If I say get off the phone… I’m being pretty rude. If I need to ASK you to get off the phone, I will have a good reason, and I will do so politely.

If I say no… it’s most likely an issue of safety or unavoidable logistics. You are always welcome to ask why, and you always deserve the courtesy of a response (one that does not include the phrase, “because I said so”)

‘Cause we’re a family.

74 Comments

Filed under Facebook, life, parenting

October 7, 2011 · 11:28 AM

Wall Street, politics, and other things I won’t blog about…

The other day, someone told me I should write a post about vaccinations, and what led us to our decision to opt out. “You’re crazy,” I responded, “I”m not that brave!” Regardless of how carefully I choose my words, it’s a topic that’s likely to get more heated than anything else I write about. And it’s one thing to feel good and confident about your own choices, but quite another to open yourself up to the ire of the majority of people who’ve chosen differently.

I had a similar reaction when, a few months ago, someone asked why I’d never written a post about circumcision, if I feel as strongly about it as I do. I’ve only mentioned it in passing, and while most people know where I stand on the issue, it’s not something I’ve ever written about in detail. “No way. Way too scary.” You think vaccine discussions get heated? Nothing compared to the circumcision debates I’ve seen.

I don’t want to say never though. Both are useful discussions, and ones that I think a lot of people could benefit from hearing. Maybe one day, when I’m feeling particularly confident, I’ll put something together.

I don’t however, ever plan to write about politics (today excepted), and this is why:

I was completely apathetic about anything political until I was in my late twenties. It was all too complicated, and it made people crazy, and it was just easier to rest in my ignorance. Didn’t understand it, didn’t care that I didn’t understand it. I couldn’t tell you the difference between a democrat or republican, and I only had vague ideas about being liberal or conservative (I’m not proud of any of this, by the way. People should not be apathetic to what’s going on in their country.)

The first time I voted in a presidential election was in 2000, the year that Bush ran against Gore. As the election grew closer, I still knew nothing about.. well, anything.. so I decided it was time I learned. I didn’t want to be ignorant anymore. I spent hours researching candidates and studying their platforms. I asked myself – for the first time in my life really – how I felt about the things I was reading. I took little online quizzes that asked questions about key issues and matched me up with who I most closely aligned. I took notes. I read voraciously. I thought about little else.

And I voted. I found the whole thing to be incredibly empowering, and I’d wished I’d done it sooner.

Sometime during the whole election period, I was talking to a friend on the phone, and she asked me how I was voting. I didn’t want to tell her… partly because I hadn’t told anyone yet, and partly because I assumed (correctly as it turned out) that she was voting for the other candidate, and I didn’t want to get into a whole “thing” when I was feeling pretty darn good about the fact that I was even voting at all. The fact that I’d made my own informed decision, and that I wasn’t following my parents or my husband or the media. That for the first time in my life, I’d done the research, and I’d come to learn and appreciate and embrace what I thought.

“Oh come on, we’re friends, just tell me!” Her voice was light and teasing on the surface, but she wasn’t going to let it go.

So eventually I told her. And she snorted. She laughed at me. “Oh God, I wouldn’t vote for him if you put a gun to my head!!! Are you serious?”

It was a light bulb moment for me: Too many people get mean when they talk about politics. People who are perfectly nice ordinarily suddenly lose control of their senses and can’t help but involuntarily lash out at those who disagree. I don’t like it. And it’s not about having strong opinions (I LOVE strong opinions). It’s not about believing something different from me (If I stand for nothing else, it’s for freedom) It’s not even about being obnoxiously verbose about whatever your particular cause is (Um, I’m a blogger. Enough said) It’s about being mean. It’s about attacking a whole other group of people just because they don’t agree with you.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen it as strongly illustrated as I have this past week on Facebook. My news feed’s been all aflutter with people posting about Occupy Wall Street, and in many many cases I’ve felt … disgusted. Yes, I’m disgusted. People feel strongly about this – on both sides – and I get that. I get sharing information and pictures and news articles. I get sharing your opinion. I do. What I don’t get is the need to be cruel, the need to degrade an entire group of people because they feel differently than you. Because they’re liberal. Or conservative. Or in the 99%. Or the 1%. I don’t get the need to be mean about it. I think the saddest part to me is seeing fellow Christians suddenly acting in a decidedly un-Christian manner, hurling insults, subscribing to sweeping and hateful generalizations, and making distasteful jokes… all because they need to prove how right they are. How kind. How Christlike. I see both sides, lumping everyone who disagrees together, making assumptions, attacking innocent people, attacking each other. I see people being really hateful in the name of standing up for what they believe in, and it makes me sad. I want no part of it. I don’t care if I agree or disagree or if you make a good point or a lousy point. If you’re being mean, I don’t want to hear your point.

**Big, huge disclaimer here: I’m not in any way saying that everyone’s being mean. They’re not. I’ve read a lot of interesting things from both sides of the issue. I’ve enjoyed some thoughtful and respectful discussions, and appreciated gleaning some new information. But. There’s too much hate, and too much meanness. It brings out a really ugly side of too many people, one I’d really rather not see.**

So that’s why I will continue to remain silent about Wall Street, and about the 2000 election, and about politics in general. Yes, I have opinions like everyone else, and I’m more than happy to talk about them with people I trust. But not with Facebook. Not with the general public. Not on my blog. If you want to talk to me about politics (or about vaccinations or about circumcision or about overpriced coffee drinks) send me a message and we’ll talk! The only caveat is that you have to be nice.

14 Comments

Filed under about me, blogging, Facebook

August 18, 2011 · 5:16 PM

Plank Pullin’: It’s not you, it’s me…

It’s Plank Pullin’ time! The one day a week that we strongly resolve to ignore the multitude of specks and sawdust around us and pull one bona fide plank from our own eye. Matthew 7:3-5, style.

I have a smart phone. I don’t have an iPhone (I tend to be anti-Apple in general). I have an Android, and I love it. I don’t actually need a smart phone, but it’s one of my very few splurges, and I do like to be able to read my emails, check my Facebook, have access to my Googlemaps, etc etc when I’m on the go.

The one condition – which I put on myself – was that when I got a smart phone, I wouldn’t become one of “those” people. The people who choose their phone over actual interactions with the people around them. The people who get so wrapped up in their phones that they are being rude to the waitress who’s just trying to give them the daily specials, that they are ignoring their kids who only want a minute of their time, that they are missing out on being present for anything because their relationship with their phone comes first.

I vowed I would never become one of those people, and I haven’t. I use my phone, I enjoy my phone… but never at the expense of real-life interactions. I use it, and put it away, sometimes not to look at it again for several hours. And it’s oh so easy for me to look down my nose at those attached-at-the-hip smart phone users. Pssssh, I’m not so glad I’m not like that with my phone.

But. Um. I also have a laptop.

My laptop is open all day. Every day. I am on it – off and on – all day. Every day. And it doesn’t matter what I logged on to do, whether it’s respond to an email or look something up or work on a blog post….. I always end up at the same darn place……..

A word about Facebook, if I may:

I think it’s invaluable. I do. Especially for someone like me, who (partly by design and partly by circumstance) has very, very few “real life” friends who really GET me. Someone like me, whose default mode of operation is to withdraw from everyone when I’m feeling off. Someone like me who – thanks in large part to sites like Facebook – has found the importance of a tribe, and the importance of meaningful interactions with other people. Through mediums like Facebook, I have been supported, uplifted, and challenged. I am continually meeting interesting people and reading thought-provoking things. Especially now that I’ve brought my blog to Facebook, I am often overwhelmed with gratitude for all the amazing people that it’s allowing me to come in contact with.

But (and seriously, grab this plank with me. It’s a big one) It is a huge distraction for me. Huge. I spend a lot of time – not long periods of time, but three minute here and ten minutes there, that ADD UP – that could be much better spent. And it’s not all sunlight and roses either. Much of it is, if I’m being honest, time-wasting drivel. For every good article, interesting blog post, and enlightening video is an inane and off-color Obama joke. Or another person re-posting the same, “99% of you won’t repost this” status update. Or a request for boards to build your barn, or money to fund your mafia, or coins to unlock your secret wonders of the universe. (Disclaimer: I have nothing against games, or the people who play them) It’s all just a reminder that, despite my best intentions, I have become one of those people. It just wasn’t with my phone.

I know a lot of people leave Facebook for those very reasons. I have done it myself for brief periods of time. I don’t think that’s the answer (for me) though, because it would be like the proverbial “throwing the baby out with the bath water.” I do think that there’s a lot of good to be had from Facebook, to be sure. But there’s a negative too. I need to tip the scale back to the positive, cut back – waay back – on letting myself get sucked into the drivel, and let the negative fall off the other side.

And so Facebook, I’m not breaking up with you. But I do think it’s time we start seeing other people.

Like the Path Less Taken on Facebook

An Important Message From Tegan

The girl and I are usually the first two out of bed in the morning (excluding Mike, who is long gone for work before we even think about getting up) Most mornings, I check my email and Facebook, and she sits in my lap while she wakes up. This morning we were looking through some new pictures posted by a friend, and she was asking questions about the kids she was seeing.

I don’t mind answering questions. Not only do I not mind it, but I appreciate it, and I relish it. It’s such a huge component of any interaction with a toddler! And it’s sweet to sit with her, just the two of us, and look at pictures together.

But,

She asks hard questions. Questions with answers that I just have no way of knowing, at least not with the kind of detail she would like. And so, I would like to request (on behalf of my daughter) that when you caption your children’s pictures on Facebook, that you take just a quick second and include the following:

The names and ages of everyone in the picture.

The name and age of the person taking the picture.

If the person taking the picture is a parent, whether or not the children in the picture have another parent, and where that parent is at the time of the picture taking. Especially whether or not they are in the bathroom (and if they’re in the bathroom, whether they are going #1 or #2. Or are in the shower. Or the bath.)

Whether or not the children in the picture have a dog or a fish or chickens.

Why they’re wearing the clothes they’re wearing, and where they got them, and whether or not someone helped them get dressed.

Who combed their hair, and did they have tangles.

Whether or not their shirts have buttons in the back.

If it’s taken outside, how long the trees have been there.

If their legs aren’t showing, whether or not they do in fact have some, and whether or not they can walk.

And finally… a brief description of why you took the picture, why you put it on Facebook, and what you did when you were done.

Thank you.

4 Comments

Filed under Facebook, parenting, random, Tegan

November 15, 2010 · 2:59 PM

Offensive, defined

There is a “nurse-in” today on Facebook, both to celebrate breastfeeding, and to protest the removal of many, many breastfeeding pictures, and in some cases entire profiles, because the powers-that-be find them “obscene” and offensive in some way.

I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. Clearly, Facebook is just confused as to what constitutes “offensive.” Maybe this little pictorial will help.

OFFENSIVE: