Me? I’m scared of everything! I’m scared of what I saw! I’m scared of what I did! Of who I am! Most of all I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way that I feel when I’m with you.**
Day 7, Tuesday: The thing(s) you’re most afraid of.
I try really hard not to live in a place of fear, and for the most part, I succeed. It’s interesting, because I see a lot of fear coming from those new to unschooling and gentle parenting…. everything from the fear of television rotting their brains, to the fear of them never learning what they “need to know” to be successful in life, to the fear of them not learning to respect authority if they’re never punished.
I don’t share those fears, but I’m not without my skeletons.
In no particular order:
I’m scared of something bad happening to the people I love the most. Once you let your heart walk around outside of your body, the thought of something happening to that heart …. I don’t even have the words for it.
I’m scared that my shoulder will never heal properly, and that I’m going to be in chronic pain for the rest of my life.
I’m scared of heights, but not like a normal person. I LOVE the idea of things like hang-gliding and parachuting and sky-diving, and would love to try any of the above one day. But looking over the railing of the fourth floor of a mall? Terrifying. I actually find places with railings far more scary than those without, mostly because I think about what it would be like if I was balanced on top of the railing… or if I accidentally climbed over it (which for the record, has not happened once). My husband thinks I’m weird.
I’m scared of cancer. Too much of it in my extended family.
And finally, I’m scared of birds… and really, any flying creature much bigger than a housefly. Butterflies and birds are lovely and everything, but have you ever noticed how unpredictable and FAST they are?? One minute they’re sitting all sweetly on a branch, and the next they’re darting and diving and zigging and zagging. And don’t even get me started on bats. They look like mice with fangs, and they FLY?? It’s just…. wrong. I was attacked by a rooster once as a kid. That may or may not be related.
So deceptively sweet…
And finally (I said that already, didn’t I?) I’m terrified of motorcycles. I witnessed an awful and gruesome accident once that I’m sure played a role, but I’m pretty sure I was scared of them even before then. I get and respect that other people love them, but the idea of being on a vehicle that’s going that fast, with NO sort of protection around me? I’d rather hold a bat. Balanced on top of a railing. On the ninth floor balcony of a hotel room … which, by the way, is the floor we were on in Florida. And I actually sat out there to drink my coffee every morning, thankyouverymuch.
There may be more, but those are the handful that always come to mind when I’m asked. Some of my biggest fears.
And this is the part where you make me feel better by telling me you can relate to at least one or two.
** I’m having a giveaway next week. First person to name the movie that quote is from gets an extra entry. **
(Photo by Doug8888)
Dirty dancing!!
🙂 That was fast!
I’m afraid when my hand is in the garbage disposal that my other hand will forget and turn it on. At this point it’s become so irrational that if something is stuck in the disposal while my husband is at work, I’ll leave it there until he comes home to get it out.
Isn’t it crazy the tricks our heads will play on us??
darn…I’m just too slow … Knew Dirty Dancing almost from the first word! And yeah… I’m with you there on a few of those things… especially that shoulder thing (though mine also has the wrist and fingers too) … growing up with a mom who had chronic pain that we could not see marred my empathy bones for that …and especially in myself! We’ll get there Jen!
Thanks, Edna! I’ll be praying extra hard for healing for both of us. 🙂
I *completely* identify with the fear of railings. I think some people’s minds express/communicate dangers by making them *very* aware of all the bad things associated with the risk. I haven’t been caving in many years, but I am very afraid of narrow tunnels–not because I might get stuck normally, but because I might try to *turn around* and get stuck doubled over.
Who does that? I’ve never done it or heard of anybody doing it. It would be a pretty stupid thing to…THE HAMSTER! oh my god, that wasn’t even an affectation. I just figured it out. When I was in high school, my sister had a hamster and he would turn around in tubes that were barely wider than his body. It amazed me that he could do it, and terrified me to think about what it would be like. Wow…breakthrough.
I also agree completely with fear of things happening to my loved ones. Particularly my girlfriend. I helped through some head injuries, and am just terrified of her getting another one, or basically getting hurt in any other way. I really, really struggle with this one, because it starts pushing the line from “reasonable fear,” to “disordered thinking that leads to abusively controlling behavior.” For a while, I didn’t let her use knives, out of fear that she would cut herself, or faint while holding it and drop it on herself. Eventually, she just pointed out that I didn’t let her handle sharp things, and I realized how many lines I was crossing.
I have that more under control now, but it’s still a struggle-especially when I read or hear about violence and imagine it happening to her.
It is SO hard not to worry about our loved ones, especially when something from the past has given us a *reason* to worry! Good for you for recognizing it and working on it.
Man, I wish I had read sooner, because I knew Dirty Dancing RIGHT away.
I struggle with fear. Not fear of “normal” stuff, but fear of things that probably won’t happen. Much like you, my fear of heights is weirdly specific, and I LOVE flying in planes, but can’t stand those staircases with the open backs, because I’m afraid I’m going to put my foot through it and plummet 3 floors. I’m also petrified of something happening to my family members, especially my mom, who is a little older and not without health problems. My fear is really causing problems in our relationship, though, as it’s taken the unfortunate form of me being a nag, which I honestly HATE but can’t seem to get past!! “Mom, did you take your pills? Mom, are you feeling OK?” She hates it, I hate it, but I’m just… scared!
I definitely don’t have the same fears that my friends do. I worry about money, sort of, but not really. (Like, I don’t “worry” about losing my job or something, even though that would be logical.) I don’t worry about what Sarah is or isn’t doing, probably to what some would consider a fault. I don’t worry about my weight (again, though I probably “should”) or my clothes or whatever. But I lay awake at night CONVINCED that someone I love is going to have a heart attack or something. That’s not a hard stretch in psychoanalysis; my dad died first thing in the morning (never woke up) from a fatal heart attack when I was in seventh grade. But why I worry about it so much NOW, 20 years later?
#hotmess is all I can say. Thanks for letting me blab my guts out here!
Also, re: railings. I have a similar situation with huge hills/cliffs. I actually think to myself what would happen if I decided to stand at the top and somersault down them. (I mean, we are talking like “hills” covered with boulders and briars that would be the equivalent of several stories tall.) This has been ongoing since early high school, and it has not succumbed to ANY psychoanalysis I’ve been able to put to it as to why. It’s just weird.
Oh Joan, I love you even more for making me feel more normal… or, at least not as alone in my weirdness. 🙂