This video recently went viral.  Now, I don’t know who Caidyn Bennett is, but this is an adorable child.  Truly.  Absolutely endearing.  Sweet.  Funny.  Sassy.  Everything I love.

Having said that….

Nooooo. No. No. No.

I think it’s telling that this is the second time in just a couple of weeks that I’ve felt compelled to write about bullying.  Bullying is a BIG issue right now.  And it’s not just in schools, either.  We’ve got parents bullying kids, spouses bullying spouses, strangers bullying strangers.  This is for real.

And honestly?  I don’t know the answer.  I don’t.  I think like most things, it is multi-faceted, and needs to be looked at from lots of different angles.

I do believe… strongly, very very strongly… that it begins at home.  That it begins with how we treat our children.  How we treat others in the presence of our children.  How we talk about others.  How we talk to others.  How we build each other up, instead of tearing them down.  How we give our children a sense of pride, a sense of positive self-ownership, a sense of confidence, a sense of selflessness, a sense of kindness, a sense of humility …. so they won’t want to go bullying anyone in the first place.

What we don’t want to do is to teach them that might makes right.

Which brings me back to little Caidyn.

Caidyn says if little Johnny is going to punch him in the face, then little Johnny’s gonna “catch these hands. Cuz Johnny’s gonna learn to keep his hands to himself.”

So,  Johnny’s going to learn to keep his hands to himself by getting punched by someone else who can’t keep his hands to himself? I don’t really expect someone this young to see the irony in these words, but as adults we certainly should.  Hitting in response to hitting is the height of hypocrisy.  (Much like spanking, but that’s another topic for another day)  It escalates instead of deescalates.  It sends the exact opposite message of the one you wanted to send:  that hitting is wrong.

And make no mistake.  I am not in any way suggesting that you should just sit back and let yourself be hit.  But standing up for yourself, and yes, even defending yourself, does not need to involve hitting.  In fact, if you’ve ever taken a self defense course, you would have learned that hitting is actually a last resort.  You learn blocks, you learn holds, you learn defense.  Hitting is what happens when you need to go on the OFFENCE, and it is not the answer for a one-off hit from a school yard bully.  Without knowing any specifics, a simple and confident, “I don’t like that,”  “That hurt”, or “I won’t let you hit me,” might be a good place to start.

So no, I haven’t taught my children to hit back.  What I have taught them is that violence isn’t the answer (and that includes violent words as well).  I’ve taught them to be kind, to show love for themselves and others, to live as peacefully as possible with the people around them.  I feel like focusing on them, and focusing on what kind of people they are, will yield a much greater return on investment than making them practice their right hook.

And if they do ever find themselves on the receiving end of someone else’s anger?  I hope they stand up for themselves.  I hope they try to deescalate.  I hope they start with words.  I hope they remember that much like harsh words, a punch can never be redacted, and should never, ever, be used as a first resort.