I don’t spend a lot of time where traditional parents gather. Not in 3-D life, not on websites, not on Facebook groups. I have very little in common with those parents, and to be completely honest the advice that tends to be held in the highest regard makes me… sad. It just makes me really, really sad.

The other day I was on a Facebook group (devoted to something else entirely), and someone came on looking for parenting advice, specifically punishment advice. Their child had committed some sort of infraction, and they’d tried the typical grounding, taking away electronics, and giving more chores. One commenter commended their efforts so far, and said:

“Make their home life as miserable as possible.”

That comment sort of stopped me in my tracks.

I realize that my parenting philosophy ventures far from the norm, but that particular piece of advice hit me so strongly it gave me a visceral reaction. Make their home life as miserable as possible. Is this where we are as a society? Is this how we solve problems?

Because I have spent the the past 23.5 years trying to do the exact opposite.

Home should be the safe place, not the miserable place. Let me just start there. Home should be the soft spot to fall, the place where if you do mess up (and you will, because you’re human), you’re met with understanding, kindness, and compassion. The place where you’re treated with respect, where you’re heard, where you’re accepted… mistakes and all.

I’ve said it dozens – if not hundreds – of times on this blog, but behavior doesn’t exist in a vacuum. If someone is doing something unkind, unsafe, or generally out of character, there is a reason for it. Making life miserable will not only not fix the problem, but will likely make it worse. If you were angry and yelled at your spouse, would you find it helpful if the rest of the family conspired to make your life more difficult? If they took away all your favorite things, if they banished you to your room? Would you be more or less likely to want to continue yelling?

Kids are people, too. Compassionately addressing the root cause of whatever’s going on will be the first step in problem solving, and will preserve the integrity of your relationship – the most integral part of good and effective parenting.

One of my main goals as a parent is to have a close, kind, and mutually respectful relationship with my kids. As such, I want good things for them. And that starts with making their home life happy, not miserable. Is there any other relationship in life (work, school, church, wherever it may be) that would be helped by purposely making things miserable for the other person? Why should our kids be any different?

Home is supposed to feel like, well, home. The place you can fully relax. The place you can be yourself. The place you can confidently try new things. And yes, the place you can make mistakes. No home, just like no family, is perfect. We all have our warts, we all have our shortcomings.

But shouldn’t the goal be more joy, not less? Shouldn’t we want to make things sweeter for our kids, not more bitter? Shouldn’t we strive to make our interactions with our kids (regardless of what sort of behavior might have precipitated said interaction) a little more patient? A little more compassionate? A little more kind?

I think making home life miserable is a straight-up terrible idea, for everyone involved. Not only is it a terrible idea, it’s an ineffective one. If home life is miserable, it will only force your kids to turn outward for the support they’re not getting at home. I don’t know about you, but I want my kids to come towards me when they’re having a problem, not turn away.

Like the meme so aptly says:

It starts with us. It starts at home.

It starts with a home that strives to be safe and sweet and kind and sparkly. It starts with us as parents showing our kids what it means to be respectful, and what it means to be responsible for our actions. It starts with parents who “walk the walk”, instead of demanding blind obedience. It starts with you and I, taking our kids by the hand, and telling them through our words and our actions, “Don’t worry. I’ve got your back.”

It should never, ever start with miserable.