December is hard. The holidays are stressful, seasonal depression is a regular companion, and life is too busy. This year, December is especially hard. About a month ago, Tegan’s hedgehog Crouton died suddenly. He woke up unable to walk, and just quietly slipped from this life while she was holding him on her lap. 11 days later, we learned that our sweet 14 year old dog Sophie had advanced liver failure, and the next day we said goodbye, surrounding her with love and pets while the vet gently and respectfully set her free. We miss them both terribly, and are struggling under the black cloud that has descended on the season.

Still, life goes on around us even as we grieve. Christmas will be here in 20 days whether we’re ready or not, and I’m settling in to make the next 20 days as stress free as possible. We’re hosting Christmas at our house this year (for the first time since pre-COVID), so our to-do list is longer than it’s been in awhile. Here’s what’s getting me through:

1. Nothing has to be perfect. I have always been a person who struggles with perfectionism and black and white/all or nothing thinking. But 1) perfect doesn’t exist, and 2) THAT’S OKAY. My house keeping skills as of late can very much be described as, “There appears to have been a struggle.” I plan to do a good deep clean, as well as a general tidying up, before Christmas, but it occurred to me today that even if I don’t get to it, even if end up with a houseful of guests in a cluttered home with a cloudy bathroom mirror, it’ll be okay. They’re coming to see us, not our house. And the same goes for presents and cookies and all the other details my brain wants to get hung up on. What gets done, gets done. I can let go of the rest.
2. Reframe busy days as productive. I learned this from one of the kid’s therapists. Busy days stress me the hell out, but thinking of them as productive puts a positive spin on even the busiest day. For some reason, we always end up with a lot of appointments and driving around in December … Dentists, orthodontists, shopping, errands, etc. From now on, every appointment, every task crossed off the list, will be considered something productive accomplished, instead of another headache endured. Small things count, too. So far today I refilled my meds organizers for the next two weeks, spent a long time doing some online shopping for the kids, and worked on this blog post. Productive.
3. Self-care is a priority. When I’m stressed out (or overwhelmed or depressed or or), my self-care tends to get unceremoniously kicked to a back burner. But times of stress are when self-care matters the most. Eating well, moving, slowing down, and sleeping all work together to make for a healthier me. Sleep especially is HUGE when it comes to my mental health, so I’m making sure I’m getting enough hours, going to bed early, and taking sleep-aids when I need them. As simplistic as it sounds, I’m also making it a point to get dressed, brush my teeth and hair, and just generally practice good hygiene …. UNLESS what I’m really needing is a pajama day. In which case, I honor that too.
4. Live in the moment. Another thing I’ve long struggled with is getting hung up on what’s to come, rather than enjoying the present moment. While I’m undoubtedly a work-in-progress in this area, I’m far better than I used to be. Life is a whole lot less stressful if you’re not worrying about the future. To that end, I’m trying to gently nudge myself back to the here and now when I find myself slipping. And right now? Right now, I’m writing – one of my favorite things – the house is quiet, everyone’s happily involved in their own things, and I’m sucking on a raspberry Tootsie Pop. Right now, life is good.
5. Be grateful. Listen. I’m the first person to turn my nose up at toxic positivity, good-vibes-only lines of thinking. All feelings are valid (see point 6) but there is indeed something to be said for taking stock of all you have to be grateful for even (or especially?) during trying times. From the material: a roof over our heads, food in our bellies, cars to get us where we need to go, to the intangible: our health, our friends, our family. And don’t forget the little things! A good cup of coffee, my dog’s favorite bone, and my husband’s oversized hoodie all made my list today.
6. Feel my feelings. Having bipolar, I have more practice than the average person in learning to recognize, accept, and deal with a variety of feelings, but it is unquestionably something we all can get better at. All feelings are valid. Let me say it again: ALL FEELINGS ARE VALID. This month especially, when life is all whirly swirly and crazy around me, I’m going to let myself feel what I feel, whether it’s happy, content, excited, sad, anxious, overwhelmed, stressed… I’ll feel the feeling, accept the feeling, and let myself ride the wave till it’s gone. One thing I’ve learned (that has proven to be true again and again) is that a negative feeling will always, eventually, be replaced with a positive one.
7. Focus on the bright spots. A couple of weeks ago, Tegan adopted an adorable pair of dumbo rat babies. If you’re not familiar with rats as pets, they are sweet, smart, and social. They’re basically like teeny tiny dogs, and getting them out to bond and play has been the highlight of my day most days of the week. It has helped immensely to have something sweet to look forward to every day, and has made me even more committed to enjoying the offering of a few minutes of happiness, in whatever form they come in.
8. Focus on someone other than myself. This is delicate for me, because I strongly believe that we really shouldn’t shout it from the rooftop when we do nice things for others. It feels… self-serving?… when people post about good deeds or charitable giving, because it puts the focus on YOU, rather than letting the action stand on its own. I think it should be done quietly. What I will say though is that the holidays changed for us, in an amazing way, when we decided to make a conscious effort to focus a good portion of our giving to those outside of our own immediate circle. The beautiful thing about it is that it doesn’t matter how much or how little you personally have; there is always some way to give back and show kindness to others…. not just at Christmas, but at any time of year.
9. Take a cue from the kids. While all four of my kids have traits that are worth emulating, it’s my youngest that I’m looking to this holiday season. At thirteen, she is the perfect mixture of teenaged grace and childlike wonderment. She is so excited for Christmas, and for her new rats, and for seeing her friends, and for spending time with her family…. all while mourning her very loved hedgehog, and the dog that grew up beside her. She reminds me to be gracious, to be kind, and to live and love hard. She is amazing, and everything I aspire to be.
10. Remember that it’s just a season. Seasons change. It’s just a fact of life. Some seasons are longer, or more difficult, but they still eventually give way to something better. No matter what I do, 2021 will be over in less than four weeks, and we’ll be into the new year. I’ve always loved New Years because it feels like fresh starts and new beginnings and shiny Trapper Keepers on the first day of school. I go back to school for my second bachelors on January 10th, so I’m looking forward to that, too. But in the spirit of living in the moment, I’m going to breathe and take in and live in this moment. This season. This day. 20 days before Christmas.

My lollipop is long gone, I’m sipping on a hot chocolate, and my family is piled on the couch beside me watching TV.

And it’s all good.