We see it happen again and again. The topic is always different, but it goes something like this:
A brand new mom has had a rough few weeks. The baby is up all night, and mom’s exhausted. She’s struggling to find her rhythm breastfeeding. Her nipples are sore. Her body feels like a stranger’s. It’s been days since she’s had a proper shower, and postpartum depression is circling in the background. She’s overwhelmed.
She logs her sleep-deprived self into Facebook, and pens her lament, just hoping for a little bit of support. And she does get support. But before too long, she inevitably also gets:
“Try doing it with twins.”
“Just wait until you have a toddler AND a newborn.”
“At least you’re not working.”
“Just be thankful your son is healthy.”
Suddenly this poor mom isn’t being supported anymore, but shamed instead. Others have it worse. SHE could have it worse. She should be grateful. She shouldn’t complain. She shouldn’t have feelings. Certainly not negative ones. And if God forbid she does have them, she shouldn’t be voicing them. That’s a privilege for those who have it really bad, those who’ve earned the right to complain.
We play this cruel game of one-uppance instead of holding one another up. We extend sarcasm instead of empathy. We invalidate instead of listen.
And we’re our own worst enemies too, because if someone doesn’t do it to us first, we do it to ourselves. In this age of perma-toxic-positivity we think it’s “bad” to entertain a negative emotion. “I shouldn’t be complaining. I should be grateful. It could be so much worse. I really am lucky.” And around and around, stuffing and twisting and denying until we feel like we’re going to crack.
But people are allowed to feel things. All people. All things.
Yes, gratitude is wonderful. And yes, there will always be someone who has it worse. But neither of those things make what you’re going through any less real. Your feelings are valid. Your feelings are always valid. You’re allowed to be: tired. sad. overwhelmed. angry. hurt. grieving. And anything and everything in between.
You’re also allowed to share said feelings, and if someone minimizes you and makes it about them, that’s a them problem not a you problem. It doesn’t feel good to be invalidated when you’re vulnerable (it literally just happened to me before I started writing this), but your truth is still your truth.
And sure, it’s not a good idea to snuggle up and live in the negative feelings. The beauty of being a human is that we have access to a full range of emotions; emotions that are constantly ebbing and flowing. Negative emotions are almost always eventually replaced with positive ones. But dang, some seasons are just plain HARD. Some days … some weeks … some months … some years… Sometimes life is hard.
You’re allowed to feel your feelings. Your friends are allowed to feel their feelings. It’s not a competition about who has it worse. When someone trusts us enough to invite us in to their heartaches, it’s our job to support, to lean in, to encourage, to just sit with them in the middle of the muck and the mire….
NOT disrespect them by telling them why they shouldn’t be feeling that way in the first place.
