When I was around 16, I went on a date with an older classmate. I’ll call him Scott. Scott was a senior and I was a junior, and I’d known he’d had a crush on me for awhile. I wasn’t really interested…. not for any reason I could put my finger on; I guess he just wasn’t my type. He seemed nice enough though, and when he asked me to go to a movie, I reasoned that maybe I’d get to know him better and my feelings would change. In hindsight, I probably should have thanked him for the invite and declined, but I didn’t. So I went on a date with him and I wasn’t interested.

I don’t remember the movie we saw (which is weird, because I usually remember details like that), but I do remember that he put his arm around me at some point. A few minutes later, he asked if I was comfortable, and I answered truthfully that I was not. Physically, mentally… I just wasn’t comfortable. He kept his hands to himself after that.

All told, my discomfort lasted the entirety of the date. We chatted after the movie, and the whole ride home, but I just wasn’t feeling it. He mostly talked about himself during the drive, and I found myself bored and irritated. I felt bad about it. I had said yes to the date after all.

When we got back to my house he walked me to the door. We exchanged pleasantries, and he thanked me for going out with him. Then he leaned in to kiss me, and I….. stepped out of the way. He looked surprised, then asked me, “Can’t I kiss you goodnight?” Without thinking, and with great embarrassment, I answered, “I’d rather you didn’t.” I’m pretty sure we BOTH wanted the earth to swallow us up at that moment. But I didn’t want him to kiss me. I didn’t want him to kiss me a little bit. I didn’t want him to kiss me at all. So I said no.

To his credit, he mumbled something like, “okay,” and simply walked back to his car. (He then proceeded to go back to school and tell all his friends that he didn’t like me anymore because I was too “slow.” These things get back to you when you’re in highschool.)

I’ve been thinking about Scott ever since I read this article about a school that required all students at school dances to say yes when they were asked to dance. I found that policy to be unconscionable for many reasons, the least of which being that people (boys and girls both, regardless of age) have the right to say no. They have the right to say no to being touched, to being talked to, to doing anything that they feel uncomfortable with. What on earth kind of message are we sending our young people if we’re literally requiring them to say yes, perhaps against their will? What kind of precedent is that setting for the future when the stakes are higher? When the ask isn’t a 3.5 minute long dance, but an unwanted kiss, or touch, or sexual encounter?

One of the most powerful – and important – words in the English language is no. It’s important for our safety, our security, our autonomy, our happiness. It’s important for our confidence, for us to feel empowered by our choices, and to know that we are worth putting first. The word no reminds us that we are the ones in charge, no matter who is making the request, and that we have unconditional permission to set the boundaries we need to set to keep ourselves safe and comfortable. We have the right to say no. We have the right to say yes and then change our minds. We have the right to opt out of doing anything that we don’t fully and enthusiastically consent to.

I want my kids to know that “no” is a complete sentence, whether the request is a kiss, a dance at the prom, or any activity that they feel uncomfortable with. I want them to know that they are the only ones who get to decide who touches them or interacts with them, and how, and when, and for what reason. I want them to know that they shouldn’t feel bad or guilty for saying no, and that how the other person reacts isn’t their problem. I want them to know that anytime they are asked to do something that doesn’t sit right with them – whether it comes from a boss, a friend, or that cute boy in their chem class – that “no” is one of the strongest tools they have at their disposal.

My cheeks still flush when I think of that almost-kiss. It was just so embarrassing. But if I could go back to my 16 year old self and do it all over again, would I make the same decision? Yes.

I had the right to say no.