The other day, Everett’s (19 at the time of this writing) car broke on his way to work, and Mike had to go rescue him. Things like that are frustrating, to be sure, but they’re just a part of life. I don’t get terribly stressed about them, mainly because being stressed won’t help. Things like broken down cars are a hassle, but in a certain way they are easy to deal with. If everyone’s safe, there’s no real thought involved. You drop what you’re doing and you go solve the problem. It certainly wasn’t his fault that his car broke, and beyond commisserating that the inconvenience (and the cost!) sucks, there’s nothing to do but fix the problem – if possible – and move on. I would never shame, complain, berate, etc for something that is out of my kids’ control.
Related: Once, when Mike and I were young and very newly married, a car came tearing out of a sports pub parking lot, and smashed into the front of our car when they tried to turn in front us. They didn’t stop. When I called my parents to tell them (the car was still under their names), I got yelled at because they didn’t have collision insurance. I’m not sure what I could have done differently, except not be on that particularly road, at that particular moment in time. And as a now-adult, and parent, I try to give grace. Who knows why she responded the way she did. Still, it’s something that made a lasting impression, and something I never want to do to my own kids.
I digress.
So what if it’s something that IS within their control? What if they make a mistake, or a bad decision, or put themselves in an scary/unsafe/confusing situation? I would never shame, complain, or berate them for that either. We all make mistakes, and we all find ourselves in need of help sometimes. I want my kids to know that they can call me no matter what has happened … that I am their safe person … that I won’t judge them, or yell at them, or punish them in any way … that they never have to be in fear of my reaction … that we will deal with whatever the issue is together. I know how incredibly scary and isolating it is to keep things from your parents, and I never want my own kids to put themselves in that position. I want them to trust me, implicitly, and I want them to know that I trust them. Trust them to be their own unique humans, trust them to spread their wings, trust them to work out their own boundaries, trust them to come to me if they need help.
A year or so ago, one of our kids made a decision that caused … a problem. They were scared, and needed our help. I was sitting and watching TV when I got the text, and immediately went into protector mode. We hadn’t dealt with this particular issue before, but the specifics of the issue didn’t really matter. What mattered was that they had a predicament, that they trusted enough to know that they could come to us, and that they knew we would help without judgement. Like with the broken down car, Mike was the one who hopped into his car to go pick them up. On his way out the door, I told him, “DON’T YELL.” It wasn’t even that I particularly thought he would yell, but more that I knew this was a sensitive, pivotal moment, and I so badly didn’t want to screw it up. There had been questionable choices made, but how would it help the situation if we expressed anger? What would it have done to our relationship if they felt they had made a mistake in confiding in us? Who would they turn to in the future?
He didn’t yell.
We did talk about what happened a little bit – it would have been completely irresponsible parenting if we hadn’t – but in the end, at least this time, a long discussion wasn’t needed. They were embarrassed, and had clearly learned an uncomfortable lesson. No further action required, other than to be thankful that they were safe, chalk it up to experience, and move forward. It wasn’t something that’s been repeated since then, but even if it had? We would still drive out to wherever they needed us. We would still help. We would still offer non-judgemental support, and we would still remember that just like us our kids are human, make human mistakes, and are still growing and learning about themselves and the world around them.
We will always be their soft place to fall … without conditions, exceptions or disclaimers.
