Category Archives: gentle discipline

April 13, 2012 · 9:14 AM

Positive Parenting in Action – Review & Giveaway

What we’re truly doing is going back to our heart – our humanity – to bring up our children in love, not fear. ~ Rebecca Eanes & Laura Ling

Positive parenting is a concept that confuses a lot of people. So ingrained is our society with the traditional, authoritarian style of parenting, people tend to assume that no punishments must surely equal no parenting.

The opposite is true.

Positive parenting is a highly responsive and attentive type of parenting, one in which our relationship with our children is paramount, and kids are guided (guided, not ignored) with love, respect, and kindness. In short, positive parents treat their children they way they themselves would like to be treated. The question that is on many people’s minds is, “But how do I do it?”

Positive Parenting in Action, a new ebook by Rebecca Eanes (owner and author of the Positive Parenting website, and the founder of the popular Facebook page, Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond) and Laura Ling, breaks it all down in a really lovely and encouraging way. Instead of just offering up vague advice about what NOT to do, it instead gives the reader clear and loving examples on respectful ways to handle everything from tantrums to aggressive or dangerous behavior to sibling rivalry to potty learning.

Even with all of these examples (there are more than 50 pages worth of common scenarios), this is not a how-to book that a promises if you employ a specific method, your children will turn out a certain way. In fact, as it says in the very beginning of the book, “Positive Parenting isn’t a method, but a philosophy – a way of seeing our children and our relationship with them.” The common thread throughout all the parenting examples given is that connection with the child and maintaining a position of love and empathy are top priority. All parent/child relationships are different, because all children are different. This book allows for that, while still holding the position that there is a always a way to respond with kindness and understanding rather than with anger or punishment.

I think what I loved most about this book is that it never once resorts to shaming parents into feeling like they’ve somehow failed, or like they’ve surely messed up their children by not doing things differently. Instead it acts as both coach and cheerleader, offering both practical advice (and lots of it) as well as gentle encouragement to follow the innate, loving, Mama instinct that was there all along.

While it’s aimed at parents with children from ages 0 through 6, it feel it holds value for all parents wanting to learn more about the positive parenting philosophy…. from those with brand-new babies, to seasoned moms of four like myself. I truly enjoyed this book, and gleaned much from its pages.

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Want to a win free copy? Just leave a comment telling me why you need to read this book. Share the link to this post on Facebook and/or Twitter for up to two bonus entries (let me know which ones you’ve done.) One lucky reader will be selected at random, and announced next Friday, April 20th. Good luck!

Winner is Amy D! Thanks everyone for participating!

Can’t wait to read it? You can purchase a copy here.

16 Comments

Filed under attachment parenting, book reviews, gentle discipline, gentle parenting, giveaways

October 28, 2011 · 11:48 AM

The Black and White of Spanking

Yesterday morning, I was getting a bath ready for the three-year-old. As I was adjusting the temperature of the water, I tossed several of the countless bath toys that live in the tub over to the other end, so I could get to the plug. Tegan came up behind me, sounding extremely concerned. “Stop! Stop throwing those toys!” At first I thought she was afraid it was going to hurt them in some way.

“Oh it’s okay, they’re just foam,” I told her.

“But you should stop throwing them!”

“Why?”

“Because Daddy says we shouldn’t throw.” Ah, there it was. I’m not sure what the incident she was referring to entailed, but I’m very certain that he’d asked her to stop throwing only because there was risk of damage or impalement of some sort. We talked about throwing for a minute, but I’m not concerned. I fully trust that as she grows and matures she’ll learn the nuances about throwing. Throwing balls and frisbees and wadded up paper is okay. Throwing pillows and stuffed animals is usually okay. Throwing rocks is okay if they’re thrown in a river, but not if they’re thrown at someone’s head. Certain places lend themselves to throwing: playgrounds, parks, her own house. Others, not so much: Church, the library, a dentist’s office. The socially accepted norms about throwing are filled with shades of grey, so a blanket statement of “we shouldn’t throw,” would be neither appropriate nor truthful. Of course we can throw… but sometimes we shouldn’t.

Hitting, however, is not a grey area. It’s black and white.

Hitting is wrong. Forcefully striking another person is wrong. Striking someone smaller and weaker than you is especially wrong. There’s a reason that hitting someone can land you an assault charge. Being hit is hurtful, damaging, and violating… not just to a person’s body, but to their psyche as well. We should all be able to expect personal space and safety, as well as freedom from being harmed at someone else’s hand.

Don’t agree with me? Ask yourself if you’ve taught your own children that they shouldn’t hit. Ask yourself if you’d sit idly by while your child was striking a peer. Ask yourself if you wouldn’t immediately react if your six year old were hitting a one year old. Of course you would…. because you know hitting is wrong.

Per dictionary.com:

Hit: (verb) To deal a blow or stroke to

Spanking is hitting. That makes spanking wrong in and of itself, but I want to take it a step further. Not only is spanking hitting, it is hitting someone much, much smaller and physically weaker than ourselves. Say an average toddler is 25 pounds. His mother is at least a good five or six times his size, his father possibly eight times. If you’d intervene when your child were striking a smaller child (and you would), why on earth would an adult striking a child be in any way okay? It’s not.

A child depends on his parents, more than anyone else, to keep him nurtured, safe, and protected. How frightening and confusing it must be then, when he finds himself in trouble in some way (he’s angry or frustrated or made a mistake) His feelings are big and scary and overwhelming, and he’s then physically hurt at his parent’s hand on top of it: A hand that he expects to hold him, comfort him, protect him, love him. Not hurt him. Not only does it not help the situation, it exacerbates it. It takes the pair further from a loving, connected relationship, and deeper into one of fear and mistrust.

If you’re reading this and thinking, “But I’m a Christian! I’m commanded to spank! Spanking’s biblical!”, my answer to you is no, it’s not biblical. People use a few different justifications, but the (taken out of context) scripture most often used to propogate this misconception is this one:

“Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him” Proverbs 13:24

The rod referred to in this scripture – as well as the other “rod” scriptures – is that used by shepherds of that time, which were used to guide and protect sheep, not hit them. And honestly, if you’re going to start pulling out old testament scriptures to justify your behaviors, then I hope you don’t ever braid your hair or wear jewelry or dresses or fancy clothes, because the old testament prohibits that too.

In any case, as Christians we are no longer supposed to be living under the old law but the new one that came with Jesus, which is one of love and freedom. I want to challenge you – seriously – to find me one scripture, any scripture, anywhere in the Bible, that even hints at the possibility that Jesus would remotely consider striking a child. If you can bring me that scripture, we can talk… otherwise there isn’t a conversation to be had. I don’t advocate against spanking in spite of being a Christian, I do so in part because of it… because to be a Christian is to aspire to be Christ-like. And Christ would never, ever, hit a child.

Finally, if you are here as a former spanker, whether the last time you spanked was last year or last week or five minutes ago, please know that you are absolutely welcome here, without judgment and without reproach. I can give you help, support and/or resources for taking another path. I have made parenting decisions that I would now make differently, to be sure, but spanking doesn’t happen to be one of them. So I do hope that you’ll share your story, because your testimony as someone who has walked through it is far more powerful than any that I could ever give.

And while it’s true that we can’t change the past, we can learn from it. We can heal from it. And we can make better choices, starting right now.

59 Comments

Filed under discipline, gentle discipline, gentle parenting, spanking

October 21, 2011 · 6:07 PM

52 Ways to Have a “Time-In”

Anyone who regularly reads my blog, or knows me in person, will likely know that the girl and I have been experiencing some growing pains lately. Tegan is amazing, and sweet, and energetic, and funny. I thank God every day that I get to be her mom, just as I do with her brothers. And oh, the good days are very, very good….. and the not-as-good days can be, well, hard. I am learning things I never learned with my first three. In fact, there have been many times over the past three and a half years that I’ve honestly felt that I’m a first-time parent all over again. I have been challenged to be a better parent, and a more patient parent, more than ever before.

One thing I’ve discovered this time around is the importance of re-centering and re-connecting when things are getting squirrelly. When one or both of us are out-of-sorts, when she’s tired or frustrated or overwhelmed, when that moment comes when traditional parenting advice would have you doling out some form of “discipline”…. that is the point that I know it’s time to take a deep breath, a step back, and a moment for both of us to have a break from the situation together. Rather than removing HER from the predicament and/or the room, we change course and re-gather our bearings, together. A “time-in,” if you will.

Here are 52 different things that work for us. (Why 52? Because that’s the random number that came to my head when I started typing the title. And because, why not)

1. Get wet. Water is amazing at turning a mood around. Water in a sink, in the tub, from a hose, in a kiddie pool … it all works wonders. Is it raining? Go dance in it!!

2. Play some music. The kids and I are all in love with the free music sites like Groove Shark. Favorite songs, whether playing softly in the background, or cranked to high volume, are always a great pick-me-up.

3. Go outside. Or, if you’re already outside,

4. Go inside. Sometimes all you need is a change of scenery.

5. Take a field trip. It doesn’t have to be anywhere fancy. My kids are thrilled to go to the Dollar Store. They also love going to places like PetSmart to look at the fish.

6. Dance. Tegan loves to dance. She doesn’t even need any music to dance to, but adding it to music makes it even more fun, especially when she does ballet to a rock song, or starts head-banging to a ballad.

7. Yell. Sometimes you have to let it out. Go outside, or better yet, to a secluded spot in the desert (or forest or wherever you live) and yell your little hearts out.

8. Throw something. A ball, a frisbee, a wadded up piece of paper, a rock in a river….

9. Bake something. “Can we make cookies?” is an oft-heard question around these parts. (The answer, of course, is yes.)

10. Grab a camera. The other day, Tegan was tired and grumpy, and agreed to lay down with me in my bed. I had my cell phone with me, and she was thrilled when I showed her the self-portrait feature. She was happy, and relaxed, and entertained for a good hour while we took pictures like these:

11. Watch a movie. Don’t forget the popcorn.

12. Clean something. It may sound weird, but sometimes a good sweeping, mopping, or scrubbing is fun and relaxing for both of us.

13. Play with your food. It is soothing and relaxing to run your hands through and play with dry rice or beans or a little flour. Not too long ago, I had some ground decaf coffee in the cabinet (which I don’t drink) so I spread it out on a cookie sheet, and the girl happily played, scooped and dumped to her heart’s content.

14. Yoga, meditation, or prayer. Or a little bit of all three…. whatever helps you and your child get calm and centered and connected.

15. Wii Fit. We use this a lot lately, and it’s a great way to move and have fun at the same time. If you don’t have Wii, any sort of jumping around and exercising works just as well.

16. Get your hands dirty. If you’re Tegan, get your whole body dirty.

17. Spend time with an animal. At the time of this writing, we have a dog, a rat, a tarantula, a fish, and 6 chickens. If you don’t have a pet, borrow time with someone else’s. My kids all love going to the grain store where we get our chicken feed, because they get to visit with rabbits, ferrets, baby chicks, and exotic reptiles.

18. Build something. Legoes and blocks are always fun, and if you’re feeling more adventurous grab some wood and some nails.

19. Play cards. We always have several decks – and partial decks – hanging around the house. Even the littlest kids like to just play with, sort, and fling cards. There’s Go Fish, War, and Crazy Eights. And there are a million tricks you can learn to amaze and inspire. Try this link for ideas.

20. jacksonpollock.org It’s just fun.

21. Color. Stay in the lines or not. Your choice.

22. Put on a costume. Wear it with pride.

23. Sidewalk chalk. We like to draw murals, make hopscotch boards and obstacle courses, and trace our bodies crime-scene style.

24. Drive. No need to have a destination. There’s always a whole new dynamic in the car.

25. Pull an old game from the closet. An old favorite, or the one you never want to play because it has a million pieces.

26. Do a puzzle. Don’t have a real-life one handy? Do one virtually.

27. Play in the laundry. Even the seven year old still loves it when I dump a clean basket of laundry on his head before I fold it.

28. Take something apart. My kids have taken apart everything from old VCRs to Playstations to lawn mowers.

29. Go to the library. We usually come home with dozens of books… but it’s always fun browsing and reading even if we don’t.

30. Do a science experiment. The boys have accumulated some really cool science kits and chemistry sets. But even good old baking soda and vinegar works in a pinch.

31. Have a carpet picnic. It’s a very well known fact that food tastes better when it’s eaten on a big blanket spread picnic style on the carpet. Watching the Oscars or the Super Bowl while you eat is optional.

32. Have a carpet nap. Because picnicking is tiring.

33. Look at pictures. Tegan especially loves it when I dig up pictures from my own childhood. The older, the better.

34. Call a friend. My first inclination when I’m having a rough day is to hole up in my own house, and not see, talk, or otherwise socialize with anyone else. But. Sometimes it is very helpful for me and the girl to be around a kind and trusted third party.

35. Read a book. Or two or seven. It’s kind of an obvious one, but I couldn’t leave it out. Get comfy on the couch and read, read, read.

36. Redecorate. Hang some new pictures, rearrange the room, or draw on the windows with window markers. We got an old children’s table and chairs for free, and the girl is sprucing it up herself.

37. Laugh. Watch a goofy movie, take turns telling corny jokes, or have a silly contest.

38. Tie yourself in knots. When I was little, my dad used to put one of his big flannel shirts on my sister and I. He’d button it all up, then wrap the arms behind our backs and tie them up. We’d laugh and laugh while we rolled around and tried to escape.

39. Blow bubbles. We’ve tried a lot of different fancy bubble blowers and gadgets, but I still think the plain old, inexpensive bottles and wands work the best. And they make the girl deliriously happy.

40. Make paper snowflakes. It’s always fun, no matter what time of year it is.

41. Replicate a favorite store-bought treat at home. The internet makes it really easy to make a knock-off of your favorite confection from Jamba Juice, Starbucks, Cinnabon, or whatever strikes your and your child’s fancy.

42. Playdough. We also like clay and modeling wax, anything we can squish and mold and shape with our hands.

43. Make an indoor tent. Chairs + big sheet or blankets = great hideaway for reading, coloring, snacking, or hanging out.

44. Do nothing. Seriously. Just sit, and breathe, and relax, and BE together.

45. Write a letter. Not an email (not that emails aren’t great, too) but a letter. On paper. Or draw a picture, or make up a little package of stickers or other goodies, and mail it to a child that you love.

46. Make a big, huge, list together. Or, if you already have one, pick something that you haven’t done, and do it.

47. Go for a walk. Stop and look at trees and rocks and leaves and sticks. Let your child lead.

48. Sew something. The kids love it when I have the sewing machine out, but good old needle and thread works too. For tiny fingers, lacing with big beads is always fun.

49. Shoot a Nerf gun. We have a LOT of Nerf guns laying around our house. I’m always surprised at what a stress reliever it is when I pick one up and shoot it. For the older boys, we also have bb guns and bows and arrows.

50. Massage. Even lots of babies enjoy massages (It’s a good idea to be versed in infant massage first) You can massage your toddler, or have her give YOU a massage. Tegan loves walking up and down my back while I lay on the floor. Win/win.

51. Let them cry. No, not in the leave them alone in a room, and make them cry-it-out way. But sometimes, a person just has to cry. There have been times when I’ve done absolutely everything I can possibly think of, and the girl is just so tired or frustrated or disappointed that she just needs a good cry. So I let her know I’m there, hold her if she wants me close, and I let her cry.

And finally,

52. Break the rules. We don’t really do rules in our house. We do principles, and they generally just apply to treating ourselves, and each other, with respect. But I know a lot of people do have rules, and rather than viewing those difficult days as a time to more strictly adhere to the rules, I think the opposite is in order. Let that be the one time you have cookies before dinner, or stay up past bedtime, or jump on the couch.

“One day at a time – this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.”

20 Comments

Filed under about me, gentle discipline, gentle parenting, mindful parenting, parenting

October 17, 2011 · 2:30 PM

The Problem with Easy

Parenting is hard. Let me just begin with that general statement. I don’t care if you’re a stay at home parent, or work outside the home, a single parent, a co-parent, a younger parent, or an older parent. Raising another human is hard work. It’s a 24 hour a day, 7 day a week job, with no sick days and no days off. It’s hard, and anyone who tells you differently is either not doing a very good job, or lying.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise then that so much of conventional parenting advice seems to be aimed not at improving the life of the child, but at making things easier for the parent. Did you ever think about it? New moms are bombarded with information on how they should train their new child to sleep through the night … then Mom won’t have to get up with baby anymore, and she won’t be as tired. They’re given tips and fancy methods of ensuring their child is potty trained by 23 months, because they shouldn’t have to worry about fussing with diapers for a day more than 2 years. They’re advised to plan naps around their schedule, to put kids in a time-out when they “misbehave”, and to completely ignore them when they have a tantrum.

Here’s the thing: No one ever said that parenting is supposed to be convenient. It’s not. Good parenting is messy. It’s real. It’s hands-on. It’s in the middle of the night, and it’s in the middle of a crowded supermarket.

Yes, it would be easier if kids slept through the night from the get-go. But not only do very few babies naturally sleep through the night, they are not designed to do so. They have tiny bellies, and they get hungry frequently. They get lonely. They get they scared. They want the warmth and comfort of their mom. It’s our job to be there for them, to love and care for them …. day and night.

Yes, it would be easier not to change diapers for 3 years, but some children simply aren’t ready before then. It’s our job to be respectful of their needs, of their bodies, and of their individual time table.

Yes, it would be easier if we could plan our days around conveniently scheduled nap times and eating times and play times. But kids aren’t robots for us to program. They’re people. Just like us, they have their own internal mechanism telling them when they are hungry and when they are tired, and also like ours, it ebbs and flows with the changing seasons. It’s not our job to expect our kids to fit neatly into our own unchanged lives, but to remain flexible, and patient, and recognize that once we have children we need to change from a couple dynamic to a family dynamic… one in which every voice matters.

Yes, it would be easier to make a whole bunch of rules, to never have to worry about our children straying or getting hurt or getting themselves in trouble. But children need to play. They need freedom. They need parents who support them and cheer for them. Parents who help them when they need it, and give them space when they do not.

Yes, it would be easier not to deal with the tantrums and the difficult moments. It would be easier to lose our patience, to send the offending party to his or her room, and to dole out an arbitrary (and unnecessary) punishment. But doing so does not help your child OR you. It doesn’t help your relationship.

Being a mindful and conscious parent means doing just that: being there. It means being there, right there in the moment, and not taking the easy way out. It means counting to ten (or fifty or 172) so that you don’t respond in anger. It means getting down on your child’s level, and talking to him or her. It means being kind and empathetic. It means treating your child the way you yourself would like to be treated. (I don’t know about you, but I would not like to be ignored or banished to another room to when I was upset about something. I would want to be heard, and I would want to know that someone cared. ) It means apologizing when you screw up – because you will screw up – and it means standing up and being a parent even during the hard moments. The uncomfortable moments. The moments when you’re tired and cranky and oh so tempted to fall back on “easy.”

Being the kind of parent I want to be isn’t easy. It’s hard. Some days it’s very hard. But I don’t think something that important should be easy. It should take work, and commitment, and love, and heart, and a really good sense of humor. If you’re moving from an authoritarian style of parenting to one based on partnership I can’t tell you that there won’t be good days and bad days, and I can’t tell you that you won’t sometimes feel like you’re taking one step forward and two steps back. But I can tell you – promise you even – that it will be worth it. Good relationships with your kids (or with anyone for that matter) are always worth it.

And that is so much better than easy.

29 Comments

Filed under attachment parenting, gentle discipline, gentle parenting, mindful parenting, parenting, Uncategorized

August 1, 2011 · 6:30 AM

Why I Don’t Pick My Battles

I recently received an email from someone looking for some gentle suggestions for her two year old, who’d been continually testing limits and responding to requests to do just about anything with a resounding, “no.” It is a question I get a lot, and believe me when I say:

I understand.

I do. It’s hard to be 2, 3, 4. Hard on the child, and by extension, hard on the parents as well. I don’t think any age has taught me more, inspired me more, and challenged me more than the toddler and preschool years. Those are the years that I most have to practice patience. Those are the years that I most need to count to ten (or 392) before responding to certain behavior. Those are the years that make me a better mother.

That’s nice, you’re thinking, but what do I do about it?

A big problem for the littlest kids is a sense of frustration at not having control over a world where so many decisions are made for them. A lot of people will advise that you “pick your battles”….. decide what areas in which you can give your child some freedom, and what areas in which you need to stand your ground. And for a long time, I would have told you the same thing. Seems like sensible advice, right?

But I don’t pick my battles anymore.

I don’t want to view any interaction with my children as a battle. A battle implies that it is me versus them, and that there will ultimately be a winner and a loser… I get my way this time, and they get their way next time. What I want instead is to find our way. I want my children to know that I am their partner, and that I am on their side. Is it just a matter of semantics? Maybe. But if my goal is to have a closer, more harmonious and connected relationship with my children, I can’t imagine that thinking of a word as acrimonious as “battle” will help me get there.

When I find that I’m going through a more difficult patch with any of my kids (and it happens sometimes, especially when they’re little) the first thing I try to do is to take a giant step backwards to look at the situation with a fair perspective. I focus on the child – and our relationship – rather than whatever the behavior is that I’m finding frustrating/annoying/hurtful. I know that when I’m uncharacteristically snapping at my kids, picking fights with my husband, or generally pissed off at the world, there’s a reason for it. Address the reason, and the issue will go away… address my behavior, and it’s only going to tick me off more. Why would we think kids would be any different? If it was in fact me with the “bad behavior” I would want someone to listen to me, and empathize with me. I would want someone to sincerely ask, “What can I do to help?”

I want to be that person for my kids.

So often with my three year old the problem is one of two things: either she’s not feeling connected to me, or she’s feeling frustrated from a lack of autonomy. Maybe I’ve been too wrapped up in other things. Maybe I’ve gotten complacent and have been giving her too many knee-jerk responses. Maybe I just haven’t been there the way that I should. So rather than “pick my battles” I do very nearly the opposite:

I get re-connected. I renew my commitment to being as present as I possibly can. I make our relationship (not my desire to have things done a certain way) the top priority. I say yes. When I remain open, flexible, and creative, I can meet her needs and mine, without ever resorting to a battle.

She doesn’t want me to comb her hair? No problem. We’ll do it another time, with lots of conditioner and lots of laughs while she plays in the tub.

She doesn’t want to put on her shoes? She doesn’t have to. I’ll bring them along, and put them in the car so she has them when she needs them.

She doesn’t want to sit at the table at dinner time? That’s very normal for a three year old. We can make her a monkey platter, and she can eat from it when she’s hungry.

She wants to wear rain boots, tights, a tutu, and her brother’s t-shirt… all on top of a Spiderman costume? Her choice to make.

And when those times come when I truly do have to say ‘no’? She accepts it, because she knows that what matters to me most is not blind compliance, but her. She knows that I will always strive to meet her needs, to listen to her wants, and to HEAR what she has to say. Which, after all, is all she really wanted in the first place.

Isn’t that what all of us want?

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Filed under gentle discipline, gentle parenting, parenting, unschooling

June 1, 2011 · 6:30 AM

So I Hit Him

The other day, my husband came home tired after a long day at work. He wasn’t feeling well, he’d had a fight with a co-worker, and he’d encountered snag after snag in a report that had to be done by the end of the day. He had yet to tell me, but he was also very concerned about upcoming budget cuts. He came inside, changed out of his work clothes, and sighed as he sank wearily into a living room chair.

I told him that he hadn’t yet fixed the drain in the kids’ bathroom sink, and that I expected him to do it as soon as possible.

“Are you serious?” he asked me. “I just got home, and – “

“I asked you to do something,” I told him firmly, “and I expect you to do it with a good attitude.”

He wordlessly shook his head. He rolled his eyes.

So I hit him.

I did it for his own good, though. He had to learn that he couldn’t be so openly disrespectful and defiant. He had to learn that he couldn’t treat me that way, and that it was unacceptable for him to talk back. I didn’t hit him in anger, and I didn’t hit him hard enough to leave a mark. I just hit him hard enough and long enough for him to open his eyes to his own sinfulness. I hit him until he apologized, got up from that chair, and headed off to complete the task that I’d given him.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

No, the above never happened. But minus the hitting, it certainly could have. We all have bad days. We all have moments when we’re less than cheery with those we love, especially when we feel like we’re not being heard. We all have moments when we want, with every fiber of our being, to tell the person who’s ordering us around – and not considering our feelings – to BACK OFF. We’re human.

Most of us wouldn’t consider striking a spouse, or a friend, or a coworker for a moment of humanness (and even if we did, we recognize that it’s not exactly LEGAL) Yet the above scenario is something that’s played out with parents and children over and over again. The above justifications for spankings are ones that I hear verbatim every time the subject comes up.

They need to learn to obey the first time!
They need to learn to be respectful!
They need to learn who’s in charge!

You may argue that it’s not fair for me to compare a grown man to a child. He should already KNOW how to treat people. A child is still learning, still immature, still figuring out the way the world works. It’s our job as parents to make. them. understand.

Wouldn’t it follow then that they should receive more compassion, and not less? That they should be treated more gently, not less? Children are people… people with big feelings and strong emotions. They are looking to their parents for reassurance, for love, and for a positive example of how to treat themselves and how to treat others.

Will spanking meet that need? Or will it do the complete opposite? At its very very best, the most it can do is send a confusing message about blind compliance with people bigger than them… and that their own thoughts, opinions, and feelings do not matter.

I want my kids to feel safe in their own house, and in their relationship with their father and I. I want them to know that they can say anything to me without fear of punishment, and that they can trust that I will give them an honest and thoughtful response. I want them to know that I will apologize freely when I’ve hurt them, and I want them to know that I will forgive freely when they’ve done the same.

As for learning to be respectful: In the above example, I could’ve started by not treating my husband like he existed to meet my every whim and demand. He doesn’t, and neither do my kids. If I’d taken a step back and really listened and watched and empathized, I would have seen that nothing more was needed than a kind “Rough day?” or “Want to talk about it?” Either response would have garnered a far more positive outcome (for both of us) than any blaming or punishing ever could. Either response would have spoken volumes to how a person should be treated, and to how a person should be respected.

I think it’s interesting that companies hold all these meetings and conferences and seminars about effective communication and positive conflict resolution. I can’t help but wonder if it would even be needed if more people practiced the concept on their own children.

Welcome to the 2nd Annual Carnival of Gentle Discipline!

This post was selected as one of the Crème de la Crème of gentle discipline blogging! Click on the image to view more Crème de la Crème posts!

27 Comments

Filed under attachment parenting, discipline, gentle discipline, gentle parenting, parenting, spanking

April 29, 2011 · 2:28 PM

Gentle Discipline: So what DO you do?

I have been thinking about discipline a lot the past several days (as have, apparently, many of you) I realized that what was bothering me the most about the negative comments I was receiving about the spilled milk post – aside from the people who felt led to name call – was the pervasive assumption that not punishing equaled not disciplining. That because I do not take a punitive approach, that I do not PARENT. The opposite is true.I got comment after comment after comment that said, “If you just let your kids do whatever they want…” which usually led into a diatribe about them never learning right from wrong, never having any respect for themselves or others, and ultimately turning into loud, dirty, trouble-making teenagers.

Parents who ignore their children’s behavior, parents who are not involved, parents who really do let their kids “run wild” (for lack of a better phrase) are being neglectful. Those who parent mindfully and who discipline gently are consciously present with their children. They are VERY much involved in showing, leading, modeling, and guiding their children.

It’s easy and immediate to offer up a “Go to your room!” or a “Look what you did!” It’s dis serving and neglectful to turn your back. It’s deliberate and thoughtful to respond in a calm, and caring way.

If you get nothing else from this post, please hear this: Ignoring what your children are doing, and interacting with them respectfully are two completely and diametrically opposed things.

One common thread I saw emerging in my comments, even when it was not expressly said, was “Well if you don’t punish, what DO you do? How do you teach them right from wrong? How will they learn?” I’m going to take that for the honest question that it is. Some people, for any number of reasons, do not know about alternatives. They don’t know that there’s another way. Some people want to do things differently, and want to break their cycle, but they honestly do not know where to start. It’s for those people that I started to think about the following… a (partial) list of what I do do with my children in terms of discipline.

1. Listen

My friend Vickie, of Demand Euphoria (which is a blog you should immediately head on over to check out when you’re finished here) recently said it best when she said, “If you have a question about parenting your child, try asking your child first!” We all act the way we act for a reason. When I’m unclear about what’s going on with one of my children, I first try to stop and just listen. I let them tell me why they’re thinking/acting/feeling a certain way. Even young, non-verbal children can communicate what the problem is as long as we’re paying attention. Are they tired? Hungry? Frustrated? Sad? Angry? Regardless of the situation, we can’t even begin to effectively deal with it unless we understand why it’s happening. And we can only do that if we’re really in tune with our children. We can only do that if we’re really listening.

2. Talk

While I think the listening has to come before the talking, we of course have to have an ongoing, respectful communication as we help our kids navigate the world. I think that sometimes as parents we have a tendency to talk way too much (which is why I place listening first) When Tegan threw the shoes in the water, a very brief and simple, “We don’t want those to get ruined,” was much more appropriate for the situation – and her age – than a long-winded narrative about responsibility, respect, and ownership. With the boys, who are older, I might use more words… but my experience tells me that less is still more, and that the listening has to come first.

3. Empathize

This to me is at times one of the hardest – but most necessary – facets of peaceful parenting. Sometimes it’s hard to remember what it’s like to be three (or 7 or 10 or 14) Sometimes it’s hard to see past the frustration of a moment and truly put ourselves in someone else’s shoes. But I can think of few other acts that diffuse a situation as quickly as when I really take a deep breath and let myself feel what my child feels. I can listen more effectively, talk more authentically, and respond more compassionately when I’ve let go of me, and allow it to be about them. This isn’t just about kids either, but is an important aspect of dealing with anyone, in any situation.

4. Model

One thing that I think a lot of people are confused about is how children can learn things like manners, respect, and the like without it being somehow drilled into them. My answer is this: I model the behavior that’s important to me. I say please and thank you. I say excuse me. I’m polite to waiters and bank tellers and cashiers. I’m true to myself. I respect other people’s things. I respect other people’s feelings. I don’t lash out at strangers on the internet because they do things differently than me. I say I’m sorry when I make a mistake. I treat my kids – and other people – the way I’d like to be treated. My children have learned it because they have lived it.

5. Provide alternatives

This point is much more applicable to small children than older children. One thing I hear a LOT is moms of toddlers who say things like, “But how do I stop the hitting? The pinching? The biting? The throwing?” If it helps for commiseration sake, Paxton (10) was a huge thrower as a toddler, and these days the only thing he throws is a baseball…. without ever having been punished for it. 🙂 All those things I mentioned are normal for growing, learning toddlers. At three, Tegan is on her way out of most such behaviors, but when something arises, I 1) Protect the person who’s taking the brunt of it, in whatever way I need to do it… whether that means moving to another room, going outside (or in), or gently holding her hands in mine. 2) Move on to step one – listening. Is she tired? Needing attention? Just trying something fun? 3) Talking: I’m sorry, I can’t let you throw that remote at his head because he might get hurt, and 4) Provide alternatives. Does she want to throw? There are lots of safe, fun things she can throw. Does she want to hit something? How about high-fives, or punching an exercise ball, or boxing on the Wii? Does she want to experiment with water? Lots of safe, fun ways to experiment with water. Does she just need more personal attention from me? I’ll suggest a game, or a puzzle, or a coloring book, and sit down and do it with her. Sometimes it takes a healthy dose of creativity, but there’s always an alternative.

6. Take a time out

No, not in the more well-known, punishment kind of way, but a time out together. A time away from the situation. A chance to re-connect and re-group. A chance to calm down. Sometimes listening, talking, empathizing, and providing alternatives just doesn’t do it. Sometimes you need to call a time out… whether it means a change in scenery, a good book, time alone, a bowl of ice cream, or a good old fashioned round of “what kind of shapes and animals can we find in the clouds.”

7. Be gentle. Be forgiving.

Just I was finishing up this post, I received another comment. It said in part that I came across as if I think I’m perfect. It makes me sad because that is just about the complete opposite of my intent, and it is just about the complete opposite of the truth. I will take it to heart, and measure the tone of future posts, but can I just hereby officially state for the record that

I am 100% categorically IMPERFECT in oh so many ways!!

SO many ways. If you’re not convinced, I have friends and family members who would gladly give you a list of my flaws if you would like it.

I’m not perfect. My kids aren’t perfect. They screw up. I screw up. We’re human. The best we can do is try to do better, be gentle with ourselves and others, and apologize honestly and forgive freely.

I’m not a perfect parent, and I don’t have all the answers. I do know though that my kids are HAPPY. My kids are confident. My kids are thriving. And I can’t ask for much more than that.

Welcome to the 2nd Annual Carnival of Gentle Discipline!

This post was selected as one of the Crème de la Crème of gentle discipline blogging! Click on the image to view more Crème de la Crème posts!

31 Comments

Filed under discipline, gentle discipline, parenting

April 26, 2011 · 9:08 PM

Spilled Milk: A couple of thoughts a week later

The shoes that started it all

Dan, of Single Dad Laughing and Will Work 4 Followers posts a weekly “Lessons Learned”… sort of a rundown of the good and bad of that week’s posts, how they were received, and what he’s learned from it. I’ve been thinking about that all day today, because I’ve learned a lot of lessons in the past week, both large and small.

First and foremost, I’m an even bigger introvert than I thought. One week ago, on a really really good day, my blog would get maybe 200 views. Maybe. Today it got 4,700. My Spilled Milk post has been shared and re-shared and passed along almost 2,000 times. I say that not to toot my own horn, but to give a frame of reference for what I’m about to say, which is:

I’m little bit overwhelmed.

I have gotten a lot of comments, emails, and Facebook messages (most of which have been extremely positive, for which I am very thankful!!) and I’m grateful and humbled by all of you who’ve passed my words along. It’s been very, very cool to connect with so many new people. It’s also been a little…. strange. Scary. I don’t always know what to say to everyone, so bear with me.

Second, I’ve learned that I should have been a little more specific about my daughter’s age. I took it for granted that people knew she was only three, and I had many new readers who did not. I got a lot of comments from people thinking she was much older, and wondering why I’d be okay with a 7 year old (or whatever) throwing shoes into a lake. It didn’t occur to me until today to go back and edit the post to reflect her age. Sometimes it doesn’t really make a difference, but I think in this case it made a big difference. She’s three. And it might have spared me some grief if I’d been clear about that from the beginning.

I’ve also learned that there are some major limitations to blogging as a means of communication. A blog post like that one is just one little snapshot… a small example to illustrate a larger point. It wasn’t meant to be a blow-by-blow account of how I handled the situation, more of a discourse on how I did NOT handle the situation. But I left details out. I didn’t mention what I said to her (and honestly, I don’t remember the specifics of what I said to her) just because I didn’t think it would add to the message of my blog. It wasn’t really my point. That does not mean though that I had the words, or the attitude, of “What a great idea, you cute little thing you. Let’s throw everyone’s personal property into the water. Here’s my purse, and don’t forget my phone and car keys!” A lot of people commented (most nicely, some not as nicely) that while maybe the “things” don’t matter, that the discipline matters. That the teaching right from wrong matters. That the consequences matter. That if I let my kids do whatever they want – which again, was not the point – that they’ll grow up into miscreants. Or something.

I’ve blogged about gentle discipline many times, and I will blog about it again. In fact, I’m working on another post inspired by the many comments on this one… a post about learning right from wrong, about learning respect for ourselves and others, and about what we really mean when we say “natural consequences.” I hope to post it soon.

I believe in guiding my kids through loving words and actions, and I believe in discovering and circumventing and figuring out the world WITH them and beside them. I believe in treating them with kindness and with respect. And yes, I do screw up ~~constantly~~ sometimes and I’m always striving to do better.

I think all of the above are great and worthwhile things to talk – and write – about as fellow parents, and are a big part of why I keep this blog. But if you’re looking for someone who takes a positive stance on things like time-outs, taking away of privileges, and creating lots of rules – and you don’t want to hear about alternatives – then this might not be the right place for you. If you disagree, but are willing to discuss and behave like a grownup, awesome. If you want to learn about another way of doing things, great. I’m happy to have you.

And finally, a quick word about comments. I love comments. I think most bloggers love comments. I try to respond to them all (I actually have a few from today that I still want to get to) and I don’t moderate them so far. In other words, if you write it, it shows up. And just like I believe in treating kids with respect, I believe in treating adults with respect as well. I’m glad to have a respectful discussion with someone who disagrees with me, but if you’re going to lead by telling me that I don’t care about my kids, and that they must be home schooled since they’re so selfish… you’re not too likely to get much of a response.

To those of you who are still with me, thank you! It’s been a wild, and fun, past couple of days. 🙂

Why we do the things we do…

I think the strongest reactions I’ve ever gotten to something I’ve written have come from other Christians when I’ve posted about discipline, particularly spanking. (These are a couple that come to mind…Discipline, Christian Parenting, He Who Spareth) And while there’s lots to write about what the Bible does – and does not – have to say about spanking, this time I’m going to leave it out. Another post. Another day. This time I’m not going to talk about the Bible, or Jesus, or Christian parenting tenants that I may or may not agree with. This time I’m going to call on the power of common sense, of logic, and of reason… things that cross over all boundaries, and all faiths.

I’ve always been a huge question-asker, particularly fond of the word, “Why.” I drove my teachers (and likely others) crazy. But my incessant “whys” have served me well, both in my own life and in patiently dealing with my children’s questions. If you’re going to learn, you have to ask questions.

If you’re going to really learn, you have to ask hard questions. And one thing I’ve learned is that often the most important questions aren’t the ones you ask others, but the ones you ask – and answer – yourself. By far, the most growing I’ve done as a person has come from questioning, well, everything, about WHY. Particularly why I think, believe, and do the things I do.

And because I’m such a questioner, it makes me…. frustrated, for lack of a better word… with people who are not. A couple of days ago, a friend of mine posted a couple of articles and studies about spanking. They sparked some heated comments from parents defending spanking. Parents who, from what I could tell, had never honestly asked themselves why they spank:

I was spanked as a child and I turned out fine. This to me is one the strangest, most illogical reasons I ever hear… not just for spanking, but for all kinds of things. Previous generations did LOTS of things that we now know better about. Most of us were raised without car seats. We now know that car seats save lives. Many of us had mothers that smoked when they were pregnant. We now know how extremely harmful that is. This is not to condemn our own parents, or our parents’ parents, who were doing the best with the information they had at the time. But we know better now. Doing something because our parents did it is not good enough. Justifying it by saying that we turned out “fine” (whatever fine means) is not good enough. It is no different than peer pressure, than following the crowd and doing something just because everyone else is doing it. We were given working, thinking brains for a reason.

Some kids need to be spanked. No one deserves, or needs, to be spanked. As a society, we recognize that when a man hits his spouse, that it is wrong… that no one deserves that, no matter what. Period. Children are even smaller, and even more vulnerable. How can any logical, thinking mind reconcile hitting a child as being okay? NO ONE deserves, or needs, to be spanked.

Spanking is the only thing that works or If I don’t spank, they’ll become out of control/unruly/criminals. I hear these a lot too. “Sometimes you have to spank to teach them a lesson.” Or to teach them right from wrong. Or to keep them safe. It’s the only way they’ll learn not to put their fingers in the light socket! It’s the only way they’ll learn to stay out of the street! I have four children. Four children who are kind, honest, and know right from wrong. Four children who keep their fingers out of outlets, and know not to run into the street. Four children who have never been spanked. And spanking children to hopefully thwart future unwanted behavior? This seems to be based on some kind of supposition that kids are inherently “bad,” and that they couldn’t possibly grow into loving, caring adults who know how to peacefully exist in society until and unless it is beat into them. Again, I’m getting lost in the logic.

At their roots, all of the above reasons for spanking are based in the same thing: fear. They all come from fear. Fear of breaking out of a familiar and comfortable cycle. Fear of doing things differently than they’ve always been done. Fear of asking yourself the hard questions, and of thinking on your own. Fear of the unknown, and fear of taking that leap of faith. Fear of the “what ifs” Fear of accepting something other than the status quo. Fear of what your parents might say, what your friends might say, what your church might say.

Is fear a good motivator for your parental decisions?

And finally, I think the reasons that I don’t hear in defense of spanking are even more telling than those I do hear.

I never hear anyone say,
“I spank because it feels right to me.”
THAT’S BECAUSE IT DOESN’T.

I never hear anyone say,
“I spank because it strengthens my relationship with my child.”
THAT’S BECAUSE IT DOESN’T.

IT DOESN’T FEEL RIGHT to hurt other people, especially people we love. It goes against our nature to hurt the very people that we are supposed to be loving and nurturing the most. It doesn’t feel good, and it doesn’t feel right. We all know this. We know this, which is why we try to instill it in our children. Parents teach their children not to hit, not to fight, not to hurt others… because they know it’s wrong. And then they try to reinforce this important message in their children by hitting them?

I know, I know. Spanking advocates argue that spanking is not hitting. It’s not fair to call it hitting. It’s entirely different than hitting.

To that, I say:

BULLSHIT.

Let’s be real. Let’s call a spade a spade. Spanking is hitting, and hitting is wrong. We know this. We know this. There’s a reason that hitting another adult could earn you an assault charge.

Let’s use logic. Let’s use reason. Let’s use common sense.

But beyond that, let’s let the Golden Rule apply first to our family. Let’s treat our children the way we want to be treated. Let’s treat them in a way that strengthens our relationship, instead of tearing it down. Let’s show them the respect that we want them to show to us. Let’s ask ourselves the hard questions, and let’s see where we could do better.

And please, if you don’t have a good “why” for hitting your kids (and you DON’T, because there isn’t one) please. Please. Stop.

Discipline

There was a “likey” going around Facebook not too long ago that said “I’d rather go to jail for spanking my kids, than have them end up in jail because I didn’t.” I very nearly blogged about it at the time, but ultimately decided that it wasn’t worth my attention. Its logic (or non-logic as the case may be) was so flawed that if it weren’t so sad it would be laughable.

There are many such things on Facebook that make me a little bit crazy, but I can usually just shake my head, chuckle, and move back to my happy place. I’m having a harder time ignoring the newest one though, as it continues to show up in my news feed as friend after friend likes it. It says, “Those who love their children care enough to discipline them.”

I admittedly don’t like the word discipline, because too many people use it interchangeably with “punishment.” When they say discipline, they mean spanking (or time-outs or counting or reprimanding). Whether or not that was its original intent, it is surely what it’s become. A quick Google of “discipline” brings up words like train, punish, correct, control, and chastise….. none of which align in my mind with mindful, gentle parenting. But the word discipline doesn’t bother me nearly as much as the first phrase, “Those who love their children.” Meaning… what, exactly? That those who don’t “discipline” don’t love their children? That punishment equals love? I can’t decide if they’re trying to guilt others into following suit, or if they’re the grownup equivalents of the childhood bullies; the ones who put others down to raise themselves up.

A lot of time, energy, thought and research has gone into the way that I parent. Parenting is a huge responsibility, one that no one should take lightly. I could sit here and site studies and research and anecdotal evidence about why authoritarian parenting is not the answer, but I’d just as soon let my four happy (and ::gasp!:: well-behaved) children be evidence enough. And everything that I do, every decision that I make when it comes to their care and upbringing, is because I love them.

I was not surprised to see that the site that published the “those who love their children” quote was a Christian site. Traditionally, Christian parenting advice is filled with many of these admonitions. You must train your children, you must teach them to submit, you must show them who’s boss. It frustrates me beyond description. Not only have I never found anything, biblical or otherwise, that leads me to believe that this is in fact a requirement (for lack of a better word) for a believer, but I find it to be the opposite of what Jesus would espouse. Jesus loved children. He wanted us to become like children. He didn’t punish or coerce. He didn’t use force; didn’t shame or belittle. He led children by example in kindness, compassion, and respect. Wouldn’t it follow that we should do the same?

Regardless of your spiritual beliefs, when you love someone – truly love them – you care about how they’re treated. You want them treated with dignity and respect, with caring and kindness. I think even the most well-meaning parents can get so caught up in their “discipline” that they lose sight of the person that’s on the receiving end… A small person with fragile feelings and a pure heart. A person who can carry, for LIFE, the scars and humiliation that come from said discipline.

I was walking into an ice cream place last week, with all four of my kids, along with a friend and her two children. A woman was leaving the store with her little girl, around 4 or 5 years old. The mom was yelling, and the girl was wailing unhappily. They were both yelling so much I couldn’t make out what was going on. From what I could tell, the girl didn’t want to go until she told her mother whatever it was that was on her mind, and the more she resisted, the harder the mom yanked on her arm. “But Mom!!” “Let’s GO!” When they got out to the sidewalk, and the crying had really escalated, the mom knelt down. I thought very briefly that she was taking a breather, giving herself a time-out, getting down at her daughter’s level so she could talk with her. But the new position, I soon found out, was so she’d have a better angle to rapidly spank her, three times in succession before resuming their march to the car. The girl cried harder – understandably – and was still screaming when they left my line of sight.

I have had bad days as a parent. I have had frustrating days as a parent. I don’t know what kind of day that mom was having. I don’t know what caused the outburst, by either of them. I don’t know what the little girl did that made the mother so angry. But I am very certain that it whatever it was, it did not deserve the pain and humiliation of a public spanking outside a restaurant. I’m also certain that the discipline did NOT help the situation; that neither the mom nor the daughter was better for it; and that their relationship was harmed, and not strengthened. My heart broke a little when I saw it, as it does every time I see a parent and child take another step further away from a loving, connected relationship.

I love my children. Because I love them, I try with all my heart to treat them in a way that’s fitting for someone I love. I wouldn’t discipline my sister or my best friend or my husband for making a mistake, and I extend my kids the same courtesy.

I say we stop with all the spanking and discipline Facebook groups, and start a new one:

“Those who love their children care enough to treat them the way they themselves would want to be treated.”

8 Comments

Filed under gentle discipline, parenting, spanking

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Welcome to the 2nd Annual Carnival of Gentle Discipline!

Welcome to the 2nd Annual Carnival of Gentle Discipline!

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