Category Archives: gentle parenting

March 2, 2019 · 12:13 PM

Dear Sports Parents, Your Only Job is to Cheer

This week was the 11 year old’s last volleyball game of the season. She’d never played before, so it was really cool to watch her growth and improvement over the past eight weeks (including scoring several points in her final game!)

I really enjoy watching the kids play sports. Between the four of them, they’ve at various times done football, baseball, gymnastics, volleyball, karate… the list goes on. It’s fun to watch them enjoy themselves out there (I remember when our now 14 year old was about 6, he was easy to spot as the little-league player who couldn’t wipe the smile off his face the entire game), it’s fun to watch their pride in their burgeoning skills, and it’s fun to watch them improve.

What’s not fun? That one parent.

Or three parents or five parents. You know the ones I’m talking about. The ones that yell at their kids from the sidelines. The ones that critique. The ones that never say, “Good try”, but instead holler, “You should’ve had that!”

They break their kids, and they break my heart.

One of the saddest things I ever witnessed was after a little league game – and keep in mind, these are YOUNG kids – when a father reached his hand out to his son. The son thought he was about to give him a high five, so with a smile on his face he went in with the swing…. and his dad pointed in his face and let out of torrent of what he’d done wrong. I’ll never forget the look on that kids’ face.

There’s one girl on Tegan’s volleyball game who I’ve always sort of watched closely. She’s incredibly talented and good at the sport, but she looks pretty perpetually unhappy. I finally decided that maybe she was just one of those people who had an unhappy resting face, until my husband pointed something out to me during the last game.

“Look at how she looks at her father after every single play.”

I watched, and indeed, every single time she hit the ball or missed the ball or was anywhere near the ball, she looked over at her father. He shouted critiques, gave instruction, or, in the case of her missing a play, just shook his head in disappointment.

These are 10 to 12 year olds. In a recreational, instructional league. They’re there to learn to play the game, learn to work together, and have fun. That’s about it. They’re not training for the Olympics. And, honestly, even if they were training for the Olympics, that’s why they have coaches!

The negative, sideline coaching hurts my heart. The look on that girl’s face every time she sought her father’s approval hurts my heart. The fact that these parents are missing this fleeting – it is so, so fleeting! – time in their child’s life hurts my heart. What is supposed to be a fun learning experience turns into something else entirely. It turns into a lesson of “Mom/Dad doesn’t support me.” “I’m not good enough.” “I’ll never earn their approval.” Not to mention the fact that no kid is going to enjoy a sport – or anything – if they’re being criticized while they do it.

Those scars are lifelong, and they run deep.

If your kid plays a sport, he has a coach. With any luck that coach is supportive and fair and equally instructive and encouraging. But they’re the coach. They’re the ones who give instruction. They’re the ones to listen to on the sidelines. They’re the ones to give gentle corrections when they’re needed.

Parents? Your job is to cheer. That’s it. To clap for your kid, and the other kids. To model what good sportsmanship looks like. To encourage. To support. To sink into the joy of watching your kid do something they (hopefully) enjoy. To appreciate this short time in their life when the most exciting day of their week is showing off their new skills on the volleyball court. To celebrate with them when they get the perfect serve. To lift them up when they miss a bump. To generally serve as a cheerleader … a bright, smiling presence, so when your kid does look at you over in the stands, they feel nothing but supported, and see nothing but a thumbs up.

Kids look up to us as their parents. They look to us for approval, they look to us for support, they look to us as an example. While I’d like to believe that the critical parent means well, and just wants their child to get better at the game, they are doing so at the expense of their relationship, and at the expense of their child’s self esteem.

Words hurt. Think about what your words are really doing.

And please. PLEASE. If you raise your hand to your child after a game? Let it be that high five for a job well done.

Your Teens Are Normal

“Have you been reading about what’s going on between India and Pakistan right now?” That came from my 14 year old last night, sparking a little light dinner conversation.

I have loved my kids fiercely at every age, but I really think the teen years are my favorite. The above is one of the reasons why. They’re just so cool, able to discuss grown up things, and allowing us to interact with them on a whole new level.

But oh how people stress out about having teenagers! They worry about it, they even dread it. And then when their teens go through perfectly normal stages of development, parents through up their hands in frustration, and say, “See?! Teens are impossible!”

But they’re not. They’re humans, going through an incredible stage of growth, and certain… peculiarities… are part and parcel of the process.

Here are just a few (totally normal!) things you might experience as your kids adjust to teendom.

Hibernation. This is the first thing that really threw me for loop with #1 (who’s now 22). He slept ALL THE TIME, and I felt like I never saw him any more. At one point, I remember wondering if I should take him to the doctor. But when #2 came around (now 18), and started doing the same thing, I went, “Oooooh, I remember this!” and I relaxed into the inevitable. Hibernating and cocooning are real. They may sleep a lot. They may spend all their waking hours in their room. They may pull away a little. You might forget what they look like. You may just get a grunt here and there when they wander to the kitchen to make themselves a sandwich (And while I’m on the subject of food, a ridiculously huge appetite? Also totally normal for growing teens.) This is normal and healthy. Don’t take it personally! Stay connected as much as you can (I remember a very long phase of bringing #2 cookies and other treats while he played at his computer), but otherwise give them space. They WILL emerge, and they will emerge all the better for you having respected their needs at this critical time.

Unpredictable moods. So here’s the thing. Being a teen is hard. You’re being flooded with hormones, your body is changing, everything feels like an emergency, and the world expects you to be an adult one minute, but treats you like a child the next. It’s enough to make even the most tender hearted a little salty from time to time. It’s not about you. Let me say it again. It’s not about you. And if things escalate to the point of your teen being cruel or disrespectful, it is of course appropriate to set a boundary, (ie: “I’m not going to let you talk to me that way”) just as you would with a spouse or a friend. But this is a time for a whole lot of grace and understanding, not defensiveness. Being a teen is hard.

Unpredictable behavior. Teens have one foot in adulthood, and one foot still firmly entrenched in childhood. And the way society treats them tends to be pretty abhorrent. Grow up! Get a job! Do something useful with your life! AND You’re just a kid! Sit down! No one cares what you think! So which is it? Burgeoning adult, or innocent child? The fact is, teens are BOTH, and parents who are paying attention know that either one may show its face at any time. Your dinner time teen might be making mature conversation about current affairs…. or he may be making a pyramid out of his peas. It’s normal, it’s okay, and while it may give you whiplash from time to time, it’s not something to freak out about. Meet them where they’re at, and don’t try to force them to be something they’re not quite ready for.

Can parenting teens be frustrating sometimes, maddening even? Sure. Just like parenting 3 year olds and 7 year olds, and just about any other big transition age. But it’s also rewarding, and heartwarming, and a hell of a lot of fun. Getting to hang out with my teens and watch as they mature into young adults has honestly been one of the best parts of being a parent. It requires patience, sometimes a lot of it (“Seriously, how much longer is he going to be holed up in his room”), but it is so very worth it. A little grace and a lot of understanding goes a long way. And the benefit? A great relationship with some of the coolest and most interesting people you’ll ever have the pleasure of knowing.

Teens are awesome, and don’t believe anyone who tells you otherwise.

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Filed under gentle parenting, parenting, teens, Uncategorized

December 8, 2018 · 3:15 PM

A Plea To Parents This Holiday Season

Dear Parents,

As I write this, we are right in the middle of the holiday season. It is – or it should be – a festive time. A happy time. A time for loved ones and gifts and decadent meals. It’s a time for generosity of spirit, a time for setting aside differences and a time for holding out a hand to our neighbors.

It’s also a time of stress.

And listen. I’m a big girl. I can deal with stress. I don’t always deal with it well, mind you, but I deal with it, even during the holidays.

Kids though, kids are another thing entirely. Yes, they can handle stress. Some deal with way more stress than any kid (or adult!) should ever have to deal with. This much is sadly true. But how much harder it is for these young humans! Kids don’t have the life experience, the tools, or the maturity we have as adults. As parents, we can do our parts to lessen the stress our children feel, but this time of year there seems to be an overwhelming amount of added stress, doled out in generous measure by well-meaning parents.

This year, ~~I BEG YOU~~, respectfully ask you to take the following to heart when it comes to planning and navigating the holiday season with your kids:

Never tie gifts to behavior, or tell your kids that they won’t get any presents if they’re “naughty.” Don’t tell them that Santa is spying on them, or elves are spying on them, or creepy Santa cams are spying on them. Gifts should be just that: GIFTS. They should be given freely, with no strings and no expectations. Want your kids to grow up knowing how to give and receive gracefully? Show them what that looks like! If you’re giving a child a gift just because they behaved in a way you deemed appropriate, it is no longer a gift. It’s a transaction. Manipulating kids is not okay any time of year, but it’s especially not okay during the holidays, a time that is supposed to be about generosity and love… not about tricking our loved ones into doing what we want.

And while I’m on the subject of behavior…

The holidays are a great time to give your kids extra grace and understanding. Their schedules are all wacky, they’re going to parties and events, they’re likely not getting enough sleep, they’re eating all kinds of rich, sugary foods, and they’re excited one minute and cranky the next. Just like adults, all of the above is going to affect their mood, and thus their behavior. I used to work in retail, so I’m intimately familiar with how out-of-sorts the general public can get this time of year. Kids are no exception. The answer is not extra rules, punishments, or manipulations, but extra patience. Extra love. Extra deep breaths and extra hugs and extra reminders to ourselves that sometimes it’s hard to be a kid, and that it’s especially hard to be a kid during the maelstrom of holiday activity. Extend grace.

Never force your kids to hug, kiss, or otherwise show physical affection to someone else, whether it’s yourself, Uncle Tom, or great grandma. Most of us grew up with the refrain – or command – “Come give Grandma a kiss!”, and it seems innocuous enough at first glance. But if we want our kids to learn about bodily autonomy, it’s important that they know that they always have bodily autonomy, even if it’s Grandma. They get to decide who does and does not touch their bodies, and when, and how, and for what reason. This includes relatives at Christmas time. Your child doesn’t want to give Aunt Sally a hug? That’s okay. (It’s good actually, that they’re showing ownership of their body) Lightly tell Aunt Sally no thanks, and move on.

Finally, be extra respectful of your child with unique needs such as anxiety, sensory issues, or ADD. These make things like holiday gatherings ten times harder, and require mindful consideration. Don’t force or cajole when your child isn’t comfortable with something, and let them do what they need to do to keep their experience as pleasant as possible… whether that means leaving the room for some time alone, sitting quietly with mom, or re-centering with a book or a calming game on your phone. Be understanding of the fact that their experience of the holiday might not look like yours, and that’s okay. The goal isn’t to have a perfect holiday, but to have an enjoyable holiday, and that won’t happen – for anyone – if you’re trying to force something that just isn’t going to work. Having the day go according the “plan” is never, ever worth it if it makes your child miserable in the process. Listening, understanding, and respecting differences goes a long way towards ensuring that the holidays are as pleasant as possible for all involved.

I know it’s easy to get caught up in the holiday rush, to lose sight of what’s important, and to drag your kids kicking and screaming along for the ride. This year, I’m asking you to turn the holidays on their head. Change your focus and make your kids the priority. Treat them not the way you would like to be treated, but the way they would like to be treated (The Golden Rule 2.0)

Just be nice to your kids.

Please.

Love,

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Filed under Christmas, gentle parenting, holidays, mindful parenting, parenting

November 28, 2018 · 12:13 PM

Gentle Parenting (When You Really Don’t Feel Like It)

It’s 27 days until Christmas. Maybe you’re starting to feel the stress of the holidays. Or maybe money’s tight. Maybe you’re not sleeping well. Maybe you’re dealing with health issues, or with the health issues of a loved one. Maybe you’re just plain TIRED, and when your 3 three year old has her seventh tantrum of the day, while you may want to respond with patience and understanding, your first knee-jerk thought might well be, “Are you freaking KIDDING ME??”

Now matter how committed you may be to parenting gently, and no matter how much you love your kids, you’re still a human, dealing with your own human emotions.

Here are a few things to help get you grounded again when you’re about to lose it.

1. Breathe. It’s said so often that it feels like its a cliche, but it’s not. Consciously stopping to breathe is the very best first line of defense against any emotionally charged situation, bar none. It sends oxygen to your body, calms your heart rate, lowers your blood pressure, and reduces the flight or fight response. Before you speak, before you do ANYTHING….. breathe. And then:

2. Slow down. I love this one because it seems so counter intuitive. When everything’s crazy, and you’re in a hurry, and you’re rushing around, and everything’s going wrong… slowing down seems like the least helpful thing you can do. But it’s essential to keeping your cool. Slow down, take a step a back, and regroup. You’ll be more productive, you’ll make less mistakes, and you’ll be much less likely to say things you’ll regret.

3. Focus on the current moment only. We are so, so good at stressing out about the past, and worrying about the future. So, so good! The problem is, it takes us out of the current moment, and makes it that much harder to respond with patience and calm. Breathe, slow down, and focus on making THIS moment a kind one. Just this one.

4. Put yourself in your child’s shoes. Empathy is one of the greatest tools we have when it comes to relating to other people, our children included. How is she feeling right now? What is he going through? It is HARD to be a toddler (and a preschooler and a middle-schooler and a teenager) It’s hard to be a human. Life can be frustrating. Remembering that your child is having a hard time with something goes a long way toward making it more about the person, and less about the behavior. It’s not personal. They’re not trying to annoy you. Rather, they’re trying to communicate in the only way they know how at the moment. Remember a time you felt the same way, and treat your child the way you wish you’d been treated. They need your compassion, not your anger.

5. Keep your perspective. AKA don’t sweat the small stuff (and it’s all small stuff.) In the moment, when big feelings are rampant, and people are triggered, and the situation is escalated, it often feels like the most catastrophic issue in the world. Except… it’s not. It’s not even close. In the grand scheme of things, this moment is but a little blip. Spilled milk, Sharpie on the wall, meltdowns over getting the wrong colored cup, sandwiches shoved in the DVD player…. I promise you it won’t matter later. It won’t. And nothing – seriously NOTHING – is more important than that little human standing before you, waiting to see how you’re going to react.

6. Apologize when it’s warranted. You’re going to have your not-so-gentle moments. That’s a given. Sometimes, even if you do everything “right”. Even if you breathe, and slow down, and take a step back, and empathize and keep your perspective… your frustration still comes out sideways, and you find yourself snapping or yelling, or otherwise responding in a way you regret. The positive part? Now you have an opportunity to model genuine remorse. Apologizing to your children shows them 1) That you, too, are human. 2) That it’s okay to mess up sometimes, and 3) The steps to take to make it right. And when apologies are freely and honestly given, forgiveness is a natural by-product. I can’t even think of a time when I’ve apologized to my kids and they haven’t graciously and authentically forgiven me.

The concepts of positive parenting are simple. Not always EASY, but simple. I think when it comes right down to it, the answer is that your kids want what all of us want. To be heard. To be seen. Forget the behavior for a second. Forget the frustration or the anger or the annoyance, and really SEE your child for the unique and complex and multifaceted perfectly imperfect human that they are. And then act accordingly.

Bullying the Bully

via ABC News

bul·ly
ˈbo͝olē

noun
-a person who uses strength or power to harm or intimidate those who are weaker.
synonyms: persecutor, oppressor, tyrant, tormentor, intimidator;

verb
-use superior strength or influence to intimidate (someone), typically to force him or her to do what one wants.

A few days ago, BuzzFeed ran an article about a mom’s “unique” parental move to punish her son. He’d been unkind to kids at school, so she made him wear a t-shirt that said, “I’m a bully”, both front and back.

(Unique, by the way, is in quotes because, Buzzfeed? This sort of public shaming is anything BUT unique. It’s – unfortunately – one of the most popular parenting trends out there, and one I’ve written about several times.)

Mom has, as expected, been widely praised for this decision, with few people failing to recognize its sad irony. The biggest problem with this type of parenting tactic (and make no mistake, there are plenty) is that it is teaching the child that it is okay to do the very thing you don’t want them to do! Read the definition of bully again. “A person who uses strength or power to harm or intimidate those who are weaker.” Or as a verb: “to use superior strength or influence to intimidate (someone), typically to force him or her to do what one wants.” This mom, by very definition, is bullying her son, for….. bullying. She is in essence telling him that it’s okay to use force, intimidation, and humiliation to make your point. She is telling him that it’s okay to negatively use your position of power and authority over someone to make them do what you want. She is telling him that it’s okay to throw a child’s mistakes in their face, chastise them for their bad decisions, and publicly shame them for their poor choice in judgment.

Is what the boy did wrong? Absolutely! But as the proverbial saying goes, two wrongs do not make a right. Mom’s bullying of the boy does not in any way absolve either one of them of their behavior.

I can’t pretend to know why this particular boy chose to bully. What I do know though, is that people have a tendency to act as well as they feel. There’s a reason why the expression, “Hurt people hurt people” is so often touted to explain poor behavior. Someone who is hurting, or feeling unloved, or unseen, or unappreciated, might lash out and hurt others. Someone who feels badly about themselves might look for flaws in others to make themselves feel better. Someone who feels weak might pick on someone who seems even weaker. Someone who’s bullied may very well turn around and bully others. People who are hurting inside hurt others. It is a sad truth, but it’s one that can’t be ignored.

And make no mistake, bullying should never, ever be excused. Unkindness of any sort should always be addressed, and discussed, and navigated together as parent and child. It’s a particularly … yucky (for lack of a better word) part of parenting, but it’s an important one nonetheless. In fact, just a few days ago, I had to help one of my children around a bullying situation – my child was on the receiving end – and I walked away with many feelings, one of which was gratitude at how it was handled by all parents involved.

Kids are still learning. Their brains are literally still forming. They’re human, and sometimes they mess up. Sometimes they mess up badly. And yes, sometimes they might be unkind. It’s not our job as parents to respond to unkindness with more unkindness! Our job is to set a boundary, yes, but to also offer unconditional love (which, in its absence, may be the very thing causing the bullying in the first place.) Our job is to show them how to treat others. Our job is to be the ultimate models of kindness to all people… starting with our own children.

And when your child IS the bully? It comes down to compassion, and understanding, and finding out the WHY. That “why” is so important! Behavior doesn’t exist in a vacuum. People aren’t unkind for no reason. If your child is a perpetrator, or for that matter a victim, of a bullying situation: look for the why, and then go from there. Responding to bullying with more bullying will only make the situation worse. Talk to your children, but even more importantly, listen. They’ll tell you what you need to know. Once you have a frame of reference, you can form a plan and move forward with a solution.

No shaming t-shirts necessary.

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Filed under gentle parenting, headlines, hot topics, parenting, Uncategorized

August 23, 2018 · 9:07 AM

Reality Check

There’s a new list (read: harsh edict) floating around Facebook, and it’s being touted as a “must-read” for every teacher and parent, particularly those of teenagers. While I’ll concede right up front that some of these are true, the entire list is steeped in negativity. It is cold and uncaring, and sounds as though it were written in anger. Honestly, lists like this kind of baffle me. I assume the goal is supposed to be to change one’s behavior…. but if life is really as terrible as this describes, what exactly would be the incentive to do so?

Here is the original list, along with my response:

1. You WILL NOT be rewarded for bad behavior.

You shouldn’t do anything, good or bad, for extrinsic rewards. Rather, I want you to do things because they align with your own sense of right or wrong, good or bad. While you may not be rewarded for certain decisions, you are a human and you are allowed to make mistakes. You will still be loved and accepted, unconditionally.

2. Being told “No” is a part of life. GET OVER IT.

Being told “no” is unfortunately a lesson that life will teach us all at some point or another. Life does this all on its own, so I will never manufacture a “no” for the sole purpose of driving the point home. Don’t ever let life’s “no’s” define you, either. Because you know what? Life will tell you “yes” sometimes too.

3. You are free to make your choice, you ARE NOT free of the consequences.

This is another one that life will in fact teach us on its own. Consequences for our actions are one of life’s big teachers, to be sure. Our job isn’t to be threatened by them, but to trust them, and to empower ourselves to learn from them.

4. Life IS NOT fair.

(This seems as good a time as any to point out that excessive use of caps and underlines doesn’t exactly command respect. Instead it conveys anger and insecurity)

Yes, sometimes life really doesn’t feel fair. And when that happens, it’s a time to be mad if you need to (you’re allowed to be mad!), regroup and move on. And when life isn’t fair for one of your friends or loved ones? Be their soft spot to land on, and their constant port in the ever changing world.

5. You are not the boss.

Not the boss of who? Yourself? Damn skippy you’re the boss!! Personal autonomy is one of the most important gifts we have in this life. You make your decisions. You forge your path. You choose what kind of person you will be. No matter what a day may be, it begins and ends with you being your own boss.

6. The world does not revolve around you.

The world doesn’t revolve around any of us. Or rather, the world revolves around all of us, working together…. which is never going to happen if we’re constantly shaming and demoralizing each other with angry “reality checks.”

7. Respect is EARNED, it is NOT just given.

I actually think it’s the opposite. I think respect should be the default. Respect should be given freely and without condition. People will show us if they don’t deserve it.

8. The world owes you NOTHING. Work for it.

Hard work is wonderful. So is being kind, to yourself and to others. So is acting with integrity, and decency, and self-respect. Who does or does not owe you anything is irrelevant.

9. Fits and tantrums will get you NOTHING. Stop wasting your time.

This made me chuckle a little bit in its irony. The entire tone of this original list is that of a tantrum. And I agree, in this particular case, that it gets you nothing.

10. You put yourself here. YOU need to fix YOU.

Not a one of us put ourselves here. Let’s just start there. To be blunt about it, we’re here because two people procreated. It’s our choice what we do with out lives to be sure, but it’s not our choice to be here. The onus on us is to live our best lives and be our best selves, not be so shouldered with so much guilt and unnecessary responsibility that we don’t even want to bother.

11. Shut your mouth, open your ears.

Here’s the thing. Even if I’d agreed with the entire list, you’d have lost me with this one. It’s unkind and unnecessary. We don’t influence behavior, win friends, or gain respect by telling people to “shut their mouths.” And on the contrary, lots of forward progress has been made in this country, and in this world, precisely because people did not shut their mouths.

Life has some harsh lessons sometimes, this much is true. But the answer is never, ever more harshness.

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Filed under gentle parenting, hot topics, life, lists, parenting

May 3, 2018 · 4:04 PM

What Do Your Kids Own?

With one of his all-time favorite possessions. Photo credit: Angela Morgan

We are currently in the middle of getting our house ready to sell. Which means a lot of different things, but mostly means a whole heck of a lot of sorting, culling, packing, and organizing 12 years worth of accumulated… stuff. And if you’ve ever sold a house, or moved in general, you know that this is hard work. Not just hard, but exhausting. Physically, mentally, deep-in-your-bones exhausting. There is a reason that moving is so often cited as one of the top most stressful life events.

But I digress.

So we’re packing and sorting and throwing out bags upon bags upon bags full of trash. The kids have all helped out with assorted general projects around the house. but they’ve mostly been tasked with dealing with their own rooms: decluttering, tidying up, getting rid of what they no longer want or need, and packing anything that they don’t need at the moment but still want to keep and move to the new house. Their father and I offer opinions or help when it’s asked for or relevant… but far and away, the decisions are ultimately theirs. Because, well, because it’s their stuff. Everything in their rooms, from clothes, to games, to books, to phones, to electronics belongs to them. And that holds true whether it was purchased by us, gifted by someone else, or bought with their own money.

There’s a very strange dichotomy that exists amidst the conventional parenting world that goes something like this:

“My kids don’t own anything. *I pay for the house, *I pay the bills, *I buy their things. Therefore, it all belongs to me.” (Which, by the same token, would also mean that myself and all my fellow stay-at-home moms also technically own nothing.)

AND, at the same time:

“This house belongs to them too. They need to help keep it clean. They need to show pride of ownership. They have to take better care of their things.”

So… which one is it? (Hold that thought. I’ll get back to that)

There is a ubiquitous need by most of society to view children as lesser humans. If they’re treated like people at all, they’re treated as people with less rights, less of a voice, less importance. They’re treated like they are ours to own, and ours to control. This is evident in a myriad of ways, but for the sake of the conversation at hand: It always makes me shake my head a little (or a lot) when I see parents posting about the contracts that they make their teens sign when they “give” them cell phones (give, by the way, is in quotes because it’s not really giving if it’s so damn conditional. At best, it’s a loan, with a whole hell of a lot of strings attached). Our interactions with our kids should not be transactions, but beyond that…. how is a kid to learn how 1) take pride of ownership and 2) make responsible decisions with a phone that is not even theirs? How do you learn to trust them if you do not give them the space to show you that they can be trusted? Not because of a fear that you’re going to punish them and take their phone away if you don’t… but because of a genuine, intrinsic desire to act from a place of their own personal sense of right and wrong. How do they learn about privacy, about healthy boundaries, and about autonomy if they’re literally not given the opportunity to do so? Not to mention the fact that demanding passwords, reading texts, and checking history is a pretty surefire way to ensure that your kids learn to get really good at hiding things, and really unlikely to share when or if they do run into trouble.

DISCLAIMER (If you’re just skimming, please stop and read this)

A few complaints that I get a lot, particularly when it comes to things like cell phones:

Kids need guidance! Yes. Absolutely. They do. Which is why I’ve never said, in this or any other post, that they do not. Further, different ages need different amounts of guidance. As kids get older, they are going to need less and less interference. JUST AS MUCH COMMUNICATION, but less interference. There are age appropriate ways to help ANY aged child navigate the line of responsible ownership while still giving them the guidance they need.

But the internet is DANGEROUS! Well, sure. The internet can be dangerous. So can the public school yard. So can the work place. So can a night club. All the more reason to work WITH your children when it comes to things like technology. Not against them.

Kids have to prove they’re responsible before they can own anything! Tegan, who’s ten, really wanted a hedgehog. She talked about it for a year, she researched, and she followed a whole bunch of YouTube channels and Instagram accounts to learn about their personalities, their quirks, and their care. She saved up her money. I helped her find a reputable breeder. Last year, around her birthday, we bought her the hedgehog (a baby girl she named Oreo), and she bought the habitat and supplies. Because I’m just as much as an advocate for animals as I am for kids, I don’t believe that any pet should be brought into the house, no matter whose it is, unless there is an adult who is willing to be the Backup Person… the one who will take responsibility for the pet (which, make no mistake, is a new member of the family). should there ever be a need. I appointed myself as Oreo’s Backup Person, but she is Tegan’s. Tegan feeds her. She changes her cage. She gets her out to play. She gives her baths. Does she need reminders on some of the above occasionally? Yes. Does that mean that she’s not responsible enough to own a pet? No! It means she is young, still learning, and sometimes needs a partner to help.

The way kids learn – the way any of us learn – is by DOING. And the only way they can learn to be responsible owners is for them to, well. own things. It’s our job as parents to model appropriate behavior, to partner with them, to keep open lines of communication… and to help them when they’ve made a mistake. Not punish them. And that is true whether we are talking about a cell phone, a hedgehog or anything in between.

When kids are acting up in some way, there seems to be a common knee-jerk reaction to take things away from them. And after all, that’s your right, because you bought them, right? Well, there are a few problems with that strategy. 1) It’s not particularly nice. I don’t take my husband’s things when he behaves in a way that I don’t like. 2) It doesn’t address the problem at hand. Sure, it’s easy, but what does it ultimately accomplish? Not a whole lot besides making your child (rightfully) resentful. If you find out what the actual issue behind the behavior, you can deal with it directly, rather than applying the quick and arbitrary band-aid of taking things away. 3) It sends an incredibly mixed message, especially if you fall into the trap I mentioned above. If I were a child, I would be incredibly frustrated, or even straight-up pissed off, if I was told through words and/or actions that I can’t possibly own anything, AND that I somehow also own a little bit of everything?

Adults need help with taking care of their things all the time. Why should kids be any different?

As so often happens, I just (literally, just a few minutes ago) had a real-life example of the responsibility of ownership. I recently bought these noise cancelling headphones, which – it needs to be said – are one of the greatest inventions ever. They have a switch on them that does something to cancel the noise even more, and I always turn it on…. but then have the hardest time remembering to turn it off. As a result, I’m burning through batteries like crazy. I just had to put in another new battery, which I’ve had to do far more than I care to admit in the past few weeks. Is the solution to take them away from me? Well, no. The solution is to realize that I’m a human who is thinking about 57 things at once, sometimes forgets things, and needs a reminder of some sort. So today, I’m trying this:

If that doesn’t work? I still won’t make myself get rid of them. I’ll brainstorm, I’ll try something else, I’ll figure it out….. the same way I’d brainstorm, and try something else, and figure it out with my child should a need ever arise.

So. To get back to the original question: Which is it? Do they own nothing, or do they own everything? Well, because those are two black and white extremes, and life is shades of grey, I actually believe the answer lies somewhere in the middle. They are members of the family, and as such we all work together when it comes to keeping up with the house. They do – like all the rest of us – need to learn pride of ownership, and are encouraged to take care of their things. But their things are just that: THEIRS. And the younger they are, or the more assistance they need, the more involved we are when it comes to care and responsibility. But we do this by helping, guiding, watching, talking, listening, modeling….

Not by taking away the very thing that they need help learning to manage.

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February 3, 2018 · 1:33 PM

An Open Letter to Kelly Clarkson

In a January 10th interview, Kelly Clarkson defended her decision to spank her kids, saying in part: “My parents spanked me, and I did fine in life, and I feel fine about it, and I do that as well. That’s a tricky thing, when you’re out in public, because then people are like, they think that’s wrong or something, but I find nothing wrong with a spanking.” The following is my response to those remarks.

You love your kids. I don’t doubt this. You would give your life for them. Like the rest of us, you’re doing the best you can with the information you have, and you have the added pressure of having your every decision critiqued by the general public. I can’t pretend to know what that’s like.

I understand what you are saying here. I do. You are simply doing what your parents did, and probably their parents too. Those patterns run deep, and they require a lot of effort, self-reflection, and often painful realizations to break. Your parents loved you after all, so why would they do something that hurt you? The fact is, they just did the best they knew how to do, with the information that they had at the time. But we’re not our parents. And we have more information now.

You say you’re “fine”, which is one of the most common refrains that I hear from those who spank their kids. But – and I say this in the most gentle way I know how – you’re believing a lie. You’re not fine if you think it’s okay to hit children. That’s what spanking is. It’s hitting. And it’s hitting someone smaller and weaker than yourself.

The great thing about the passage of time is that we can learn from the generations before us. Our parents did (and didn’t) do all kinds of the things that we now know more about, and can ideally learn from and do differently. We didn’t wear seat belts. Or bike helmets. People smoked through their pregnancies. They were encouraged to wean after just a few months, or even weeks. Just the other day I was thinking about piercings (I’m currently in the process of healing my latest one), and how the old school of thought told us to twist the jewelry every day. Now, of course, we know that this actually impedes the healing process, and that the best thing to do is to just keep them clean and leave them alone.

When we know better, we do better.

There is a big movement right now admonishing moms to stop judging each other, and instead just recognize that people do things differently. To a large extent, I agree! I don’t care if you make your kids a homemade balanced breakfast, or if they eat a Pop-Tart in the car on the way to school. I don’t care if their bedtime is at 7:00 or 11:00. I don’t care if they spend their free time watching SpongeBob or reading Moby Dick.

The thing is though, spanking is not a parenting issue. It’s a human rights issue. Children, like all humans, have the right to be free from violence, especially in their own home. They have the right to autonomy, to decide who does and does not touch their bodies, and when, and how, and for what reason. Hitting your children not only teaches them that it’s okay to solve problems by hitting, but it specifically teaches them to hit people who are smaller and weaker than themselves. It also seriously blurs the lines of consent, and lets them believe that, well, sometimes it’s okay for people to touch private areas of their bodies, as long as the person doing the hitting is unhappy with their behavior.

Hitting a spouse – or a friend or a neighbor or a stranger in a bar – is assault, and a serious offense. There are even animal cruelty laws to protect animals. 46 of the 50 states have enacted felony penalties for certain forms of animal abuse. The fact that there are no such laws to protect children does not make it right. Your right to parent as you see fit never supersedes your child’s right to be free from harm in his or her own home. Because make no mistake. No matter how you frame it, spanking is still hitting. And hitting in any way, shape, or form (other than in self defense) is violence. And it’s wrong.

The ironic part? Parents that spank do so because they think it’ll improve their children’s behavior. But study after study shows that spanking actually has the opposite effect. Spanking makes a child less likely to listen, not more. It also contributes to later aggression, anti-social behavior, and mental health problems. This is real. This is not an opinion, nor is it just empty words. Spanking is harmful, on every level, and the best of intentions (and absolutely, I believe that most parents are well-intentioned) doesn’t change that.

Our kids need our protection. They need our support and our guidance. They need us to be living examples of what it means to be respectful and patient and kind.

More than anything though, they need our love.

And hitting should never, ever be conflated with love.

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January 22, 2018 · 5:41 PM

Why My Kids Are Not Impatient, Bored, Friendless, Or Entitled

Articles that talk about how terrible kids are these days are quite prolific. Throw a stone anywhere on the internet, and you’ll hit one: Kids are more entitled than ever. More lazy. More disrespectful. And if this latest article is to be believed, they’re more friendless too. They can’t possibly make friends it seems, because they’re too busy buried in their electronics, expecting life to serve them with a silver platter, and avoiding all human interaction.

Aside from tiring me (I mean really, you read one of these articles, you’ve read them all), these articles genuinely confuse me.

As a friend recently noted, “Where are all these unpleasant kids? I never meet any of them.”

And indeed, it’s true. I know quite a lot of kids. Besides my own four, I’ve spent a lot of time with their friends (Yes! They do have friends); my own friends’ kids; kids we know through theater and sports and homeschooling groups; kids from the neighborhood; kids that come to our conference every year. And by and large these kids I’ve had the pleasure of knowing are wonderful humans. Kind. Smart. Creative. Compassionate. Well-spoken. Confident. Ambitious. These are kids that blow me away with their maturity and their integrity and their grace. These are not the kids that the above author talks about. I don’t know where those kids exist, because it’s not in any world that I live in.

The article in question blames the – theoretical – decline in kids’ attitudes and behaviors on five main things. And yes, these are the same five things that are cited over and over in similar articles, and the same five things that need nothing more than a perspective shift to be disproved.

KIDS GET EVERYTHING THEY WANT WHEN THEY WANT IT

None of us gets everything we want, when we want it. Let’s just start there. An unfortunate reality of life is that sometimes we just have to wait. By navigating these situations together when they arise, your kids will naturally learn the art of delayed gratification…. without your having to manufacture contrived and artificial scenarios in order to teach them a lesson. The article gives the example of a child being thirsty, and the parent offering up a vending machine. This is bad, it tells us, because the child will never learn to wait. But if I were thirsty, and there was a vending machine nearby, I would in fact buy myself a drink. Wouldn’t you? It is categorically unfair to hold kids to a different standard, especially under the pretense of teaching them a lesson. Life (particularly time, finances, and circumstances) sometimes dictates that we must wait for what we want. Helping your kids cope when it happens is a far more preferable, respectful, and kind alternative than making them wait just for the sake of making them wait.

LIMITED SOCIAL INTERACTION

The author says,

“Kids used to play outside, where, in unstructured natural environments, they learned and practiced their social skills. Unfortunately, technology replaced the outdoor time. (Emphasis is mine)

This incredibly common refrain is built on the erroneous assumption that these two things – technology use, and outdoor time – are mutually exclusive. Just a couple of days ago, I saw a meme that said, “I’m so glad I grew up doing this,” {insert picture of kids playing in a stream}, “Instead of this.” {insert kids standing and looking at their phones}. As for me, I am incredibly thankful that we live in a day and time when kids can do both! My kids, right down to the nine year old, love their technology. They do. They also love being outside, being active, hanging out with friends, playing games, cooking, being creative… well, you get the idea. Appreciating technology does not preclude an appreciation of other forms of socialization or activity. In fact, I will go as far as to say that technology has been a tremendous aid in both forming and nurturing relationships. And having a friend at your fingertips whenever you need one? Invaluable.

Just last week, I was at an appointment with the 13 year old – who spends a good amount of time online, playing cooperative games with his friends – and the doctor commented on how smart and well-spoken he was. Am I worried about his (or any of my kids’) socialization skills? No. No, I’m not.

ENDLESS FUN

This was a fun one because the author directly contradicted herself on this point later in the article. (More on that later) She says we have made life too fun for our kids, and that they’re constantly being entertained. This of course leads to their inability to deal with necessary tedious tasks, and/or with the aspects of life that may be boring or monotonous. She tells us we need to do a better of job of making our kids do unpleasant things, so that they’ll get used to it, because:

This is basic monotonous work that trains the brain to be workable and function under “boredom,” which is the same “muscle” that is required to be eventually teachable at school.

I’m not going to mince words about this. I find the above to be incredibly sad and even concerning. Boredom is a necessary muscle for learning? After watching my four kids grow and learn over the past 21 years, I’d say it’s actually the exact opposite. Learning in any sort of meaningful way requires engagement, not boredom. It happens when the person doing the learning is interested, and invested, and indeed an active and “plugged in” participant. It does not happen when one is bored and disinterested. You know what makes an ideal environment for learning, no matter your age? An activity that you find fun. Does she have a point though? Are there tasks in life that are boring or monotonous? Well, sure. But like the rest of us, our kids will learn to handle such tasks naturally and easily as life unfolds around them. Unless you deliberately shield them from this aspect of living (which, I’m honestly not even sure if that’s possible), they’ll learn.

TECHNOLOGY

Again with the technology.

My best friend lives in another state. I talk to her every day, every day, thanks to … technology. My two youngest boys have a group of close friends that they love to play games with. When circumstances permit (they don’t all live nearby), they get together in 3D life. And when they don’t, they play the same games together online. How cool is that? Technology has enriched our lives, not damaged it. The author worries that access to so much technology keeps us from staying emotionally connected to our kids. But again, the two aren’t mutually exclusive. When a parent is paying attention and putting in the effort, it IS possible (probable even!) to have a close, connected relationship with their kids, and allow and appreciate and embrace their use of technology.

Finally, she worries that the highly stimulating world of video games makes the rest of life boring, and leaves kids “vulnerable to academic challenges.” Which confuses me, because earlier she wanted kids to be bored? In any case, we need to give kids way more credit than they’re being given here. They know the difference between video games and real life, between online conversations and in-person hugs, between action movies and cars on the freeway. And in the event that those lines are blurred, the answer is presence, connection, and assistance with navigating. The answer is NOT throwing the proverbial baby out with the bath water. Technology has been such an incredible tool in our lives, both for reasons of practicality and enjoyability. Could we live without it? Well, technically, sure. But I’m so thankful that we don’t have to.

KIDS RULE THE WORLD

I think this is the part where entitlement comes in. Something that a lot of people fail – or refuse – to understand, is that there is a marked difference between letting kids “rule the world”, and respecting their autonomy as individual and unique humans with their own needs, tastes, preferences, and ways of interacting with the world around them. Too many parents fall into the trap of micromanaging. Of treating their kids like robots instead of people: In goes a pre-determined set of variables, and out comes a perfect, obedient product. Except kids are people and it doesn’t really work that way. But speaking from (a lot of) experience, if you dare question the status quo on the matter, you’re accused of, well, letting kids rule the world. Like so much of parenting, and of life, this is not a zero-sum game. This kind of black and white thinking presupposes that there are exactly two options: 1) Control and manage and limit every moment of your children’s day, OR 2) leave them completely alone, and indeed do not be a parent at all. But there are other options. From food to bedtimes to clothing choices, it is entirely possible – and preferable! – to take a team approach, to give them choices and autonomy and respect, without leaving them to essentially raise themselves. The author argues that “if we leave it all up to them, all they are going to do is eat macaroni and cheese and bagels with cream cheese, watch TV, play on their tablets, and never go to bed.” First, no one is advocating for “leaving it all up to them.” Second, it is categorically untrue that a child would never go to bed. Finally, extremes and straw man arguments never helped anyone get to a closer, more connected relationship with their child. And isn’t a closer, connected relationship the ultimate goal? If it isn’t, it certainly should be. Giving kids a safe, secure, and happy home… one in which they are heard, respected, and valued members of the family… is a great place to start.

In my house, and my family, my kids are real. They have moods and moments and hurdles just like anyone else. They are also kind. They’re considerate. They’re smart and respectful and responsible. They are the kind of people I would choose to be around even if they were not my kids.

I don’t need to “train their brains” (the author’s solution to today’s problem children) to be anything other than what they already are.

I don’t need to micromanage them. I don’t need to manufacture unpleasant tasks or situations in order to teach them a lesson.

Side note: Under a heading of “Don’t be afraid to set limits”, she suggests “converting things that they don’t like doing/trying into fun, emotionally stimulating games.” I’m… confused, as this is in direct opposition to what she said in point three.

I don’t need to choose between technology and emotionally connecting with my kids, because the two can and do exist simultaneously. I don’t need to train them to delay gratification, and I don’t need to force them to do monotonous work.

What I do need to do is treat them kindly. Gently. With respect and courtesy and in a manner that I’d like to be treated myself. Does that ensure that they’ll be perfect, or that there will never be bumps in the road? Well, no. See above about them being, like myself and their father, human.

But I’ll tell you what. My kids, as well as the vast vast majority of other kids I have the privilege of knowing, are individuals who are lovely, engaging, and a true pleasure to be around. Maybe it goes without saying, but I find it incredibly sad and disappointing to know that so very many people have such a low opinion of today’s young people. These impatient, bored, friendless, entitled kids the author writes about? Maybe they exist – if they do in fact exist at all – because no one believed in them.

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December 13, 2017 · 9:03 AM

It’s Not Me, It’s You

Not a lot of things make me angry.

A lot of things make me react, for sure, but I tend more towards melancholy, hurt feelings, depression. But anger isn’t generally one of my bigger go-to’s. Having said that, I have spent a VERY large portion of the past 18 months being extremely angry at my therapist.

At least I thought it was anger.

What I realized somewhere along the way was that 98% of the time, it wasn’t really anger at all. I was uncomfortable because he’d challenged my core beliefs. I was defensive because deep down I knew he was right. I was embarrassed because he’d brought things to light that I’d have rather kept hidden. I was frustrated because he’d put the onus on ME to examine, to question, to choose whether or not I was willing to change something that wasn’t serving me, or wasn’t serving the people I loved.

None of those things are the same as anger. It’s just that it’s So. Much. Easier. to blame someone else than it is to do the uncomfortable, messy, hard (soooo freaking hard) work of actually doing a little bit of self-reflection. If I blamed HIM, then I got to completely let myself off the hook. I didn’t have to admit, or change, a single thing.

But the thing is … it wasn’t him. It was me.

I’ve been thinking a lot about anger the past few days, ever since I read the comments on my “Can We Stop Being Jerks At Christmas” post when it ran on Scary Mommy. I stopped reading after the first couple hundred, because after awhile they all honestly sounded the same. I’m judgmental, I’m arrogant, I’m sanctimonious, and screw you, you-can’t-tell-me-what-to-do-with-my-kids. Ad nauseam. By the way, while I’m on the subject, the not-really-a-word word, “Sanctimommy,” is THE silliest, most ridiculous word to come out of the internet, and the idea that I’m supposed to be offended or feel bad to have it hurled in my direction is…. laughable, at best.

The one big theme I saw though, the one that ran through nearly all the comments, was anger. Dear Lord, so much anger. Anger directed at me, for…. daring to suggest we be nicer to our kids. Does anyone else see the irony in that? Nothing makes people angrier faster than proposing a little more respect. A little more grace. A little more understanding. Nothing makes people angrier faster than challenging the status quo. Challenging the idea of punishment, of spanking, of time-outs, of manipulation. Nothing makes people angrier faster than bringing up the idea that YES, children can learn discipline, and self-control, and empathy, and personal responsibility without being shamed and threatened into it. Nothing makes people angrier faster than the assertion, that yes, gentle parenting is not only possible, but is in fact preferable, for all parties.

But I don’t actually think it’s anger.

There’s always much ado about the fact that “there’s no right or wrong way to parent”, and that to suggest otherwise is arrogant and judgmental. Well, sorry (except I’m not), but I do believe that kindness is always the right choice. I do believe that respect is always the right choice. I do believe that treating our kids the way we’d like to be treated, that treating our kids like HUMAN BEINGS instead of second class citizens is always the right choice. Always. Every time. And it’s a hill I’d be willing to die on… any day of the week and twice on Sundays.

And I wonder, if you’re so confident in your own choice, why on earth would it make you so angry if someone else suggested something different?

It’s likely because you’re not really angry. You’re uncomfortable, you’re defensive, you’re frustrated, you’re embarrassed. Your toes have been stepped on. But you’re not actually angry. And you’re certainly not angry at me. You don’t even know me. But just like with me and my therapist, it’s easier to be angry at me than it is to actually think about anything I said. To actually ponder it. To actually wonder if I made any sort of point worth listening to. It’s easier to make it my fault. To call me names. To call my kids names.

It’s been a long time since I’ve gone to church with any regularity, but I have some very strong memories of some sermons that really affected me. And they were never sermons that were sunshine and rainbows, never sermons that patted me on the back for what I was already doing. No, they were the ones that called me out, the ones that challenged me. The ones that stepped on my toes. The ones that made me want to hide, red-faced, under the pew because surely he was talking directly about me.

So I get it. I actually do get it.

But I think that parents – ALL OF US as parents – should be nicer to our kids. And no negative comment will ever change that.

So call me names. Call me judgmental. Call me arrogant. I can take it. But some day, at some point, you might want to admit the fact that it’s not actually me you’re mad at.

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