Category Archives: hot topics

May 19, 2019 · 5:45 PM

When I Won’t Agree To Disagree

“Let’s just agree to disagree.”

It sounds nice, doesn’t it? A neat, tidy, and respectful way to end an argument or debate. You have your beliefs, I have mine, and we’ll just set them aside as neither right nor wrong. We’ll both go on, happily secure in the knowledge that our opinions are equally valid and okay.

It seems foolproof. It does. And in many, many cases it is the kindest solution to disagreement.

But I’m not always going to agree to disagree. I’m not always going to “respect your opinion.”

I won’t agree to disagree with you if you think hitting children is okay. I will continue to speak out about children’s rights, and their right (like all people) to bodily autonomy, and to decide who puts their hands on them, and when, and how, and for what reason.

I won’t agree to disagree with you if you think it’s okay to make jokes about, disparage, or treat anyone differently because of their race, their religion, their gender, or their sexual orientation. I won’t agree to disagree with you if your position is racist, sexist, homophobic or otherwise unkind. I will continue to speak out about fair and equal treatment to all.

I won’t agree to disagree with you about religion, unless your religion (or lack thereof) teaches you to love, to include, to show compassion for all. I will continue to speak out about a Jesus that walked in love for all people, but especially for those who are marginalized by the rest of society.

I won’t agree to disagree with you if you think that mental illness is all in your head, or something that can be cured with “positive thoughts.” I will continue to speak out about awareness, education, and breaking the stigma for those with depression, anxiety, bipolar, and other mental health conditions.

Agreeing to disagree has its place, to be sure. Cannot stand my favorite band? Cool. Hate my favorite movie? Okay. Like nuts in brownies, pineapple on pizza, or caraway seeds in your bagel? Your choice to make.

But there’s a certain point where choices are not equal, where a person has to decide what’s right and wrong, and good and bad, and worthy of taking a stand. A hill to die on as it were.

Speaking as someone who is an entirely different person than she was 25 years ago, I know my opinion can be changed about many things. But not about this. Not about anything above.

Does that mean then that I’m a closed book? That I won’t even discuss it? The opposite is true. I think it’s important to talk about. I think that’s how seeds are planted. I think that’s how people grow.

But just know, if you choose to talk to me or fight with me about any of the above …. I will never, ever agree to disagree.

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January 25, 2019 · 2:43 PM

The Problem With The MAGA Hat

(And why I don’t feel the need to watch any more of the videos)

By now you’ve all seen the video, or at least the still photo of the young man with the smirk. Video surfaced of a March for Life anti-abortion rally in which it appears that a group of young men (students from Covington Catholic High School) is taunting a Native American elder who is playing the drums. At the center of the controversy is Nick Sandmann, a young man directly in front of the Native American, Nathan Phillips. The boy is wearing a Make America Great Again hat and a… smile. We’ll call it a smile.

Since the video was first released, people came to the boys’ defense. Arguments were made, more videos were made public, more of the story was pieced together. Some say the boys were provoked. Some say it was the adults that were behaving badly. Some say that it was much ado about nothing; a peaceful protest that was taken out of context. All over Facebook people are being urged to watch more video, to get the full picture, to not make assumptions.

I don’t want to watch more video. And I don’t need to know more of the story. Because what I want to talk about is that hat. That blasted MAGA hat on that kid’s head, and what it says … all by itself. No video needed.

Because that hat stands for something. Someone who would deliberately wear that hat stands for something. Hint: It’s not about making America great again.

Wearing that hat shows support for a man who bragged about sexual assault.

Wearing that hat shows support for a man who is openly racist, sexist, homophobic and misogynistic.

Wearing that hat shows support for a man who openly mocked a disabled reporter.

Wearing that hat shows support for a man who continues to use his platform to degrade, to insult, and to provoke his fellow Americans.

Wearing that hat shows support for a narcissistic blowhard who is led solely by his own fragile little ego.

Wearing that hat shows support for a man who is supposed to be leading our country and instead spends his time playing schoolyard tit for tat on Twitter.

The hat says something.

I don’t know exactly what happened that day. And I don’t know Nick Sandmann. Fortunately, or unfortunately as the case may be, I don’t need to. The hat tells me everything I need to know.

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October 19, 2018 · 3:10 PM

An Eye For An Eye Leaves The Whole World Blind

This video recently went viral.  Now, I don’t know who Caidyn Bennett is, but this is an adorable child.  Truly.  Absolutely endearing.  Sweet.  Funny.  Sassy.  Everything I love.

Having said that….

Nooooo. No. No. No.

I think it’s telling that this is the second time in just a couple of weeks that I’ve felt compelled to write about bullying.  Bullying is a BIG issue right now.  And it’s not just in schools, either.  We’ve got parents bullying kids, spouses bullying spouses, strangers bullying strangers.  This is for real.

And honestly?  I don’t know the answer.  I don’t.  I think like most things, it is multi-faceted, and needs to be looked at from lots of different angles.

I do believe… strongly, very very strongly… that it begins at home.  That it begins with how we treat our children.  How we treat others in the presence of our children.  How we talk about others.  How we talk to others.  How we build each other up, instead of tearing them down.  How we give our children a sense of pride, a sense of positive self-ownership, a sense of confidence, a sense of selflessness, a sense of kindness, a sense of humility …. so they won’t want to go bullying anyone in the first place.

What we don’t want to do is to teach them that might makes right.

Which brings me back to little Caidyn.

Caidyn says if little Johnny is going to punch him in the face, then little Johnny’s gonna “catch these hands. Cuz Johnny’s gonna learn to keep his hands to himself.”

So,  Johnny’s going to learn to keep his hands to himself by getting punched by someone else who can’t keep his hands to himself? I don’t really expect someone this young to see the irony in these words, but as adults we certainly should.  Hitting in response to hitting is the height of hypocrisy.  (Much like spanking, but that’s another topic for another day)  It escalates instead of deescalates.  It sends the exact opposite message of the one you wanted to send:  that hitting is wrong.

And make no mistake.  I am not in any way suggesting that you should just sit back and let yourself be hit.  But standing up for yourself, and yes, even defending yourself, does not need to involve hitting.  In fact, if you’ve ever taken a self defense course, you would have learned that hitting is actually a last resort.  You learn blocks, you learn holds, you learn defense.  Hitting is what happens when you need to go on the OFFENCE, and it is not the answer for a one-off hit from a school yard bully.  Without knowing any specifics, a simple and confident, “I don’t like that,”  “That hurt”, or “I won’t let you hit me,” might be a good place to start.

So no, I haven’t taught my children to hit back.  What I have taught them is that violence isn’t the answer (and that includes violent words as well).  I’ve taught them to be kind, to show love for themselves and others, to live as peacefully as possible with the people around them.  I feel like focusing on them, and focusing on what kind of people they are, will yield a much greater return on investment than making them practice their right hook.

And if they do ever find themselves on the receiving end of someone else’s anger?  I hope they stand up for themselves.  I hope they try to deescalate.  I hope they start with words.  I hope they remember that much like harsh words, a punch can never be redacted, and should never, ever, be used as a first resort.

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September 20, 2018 · 4:25 PM

Bullying the Bully

via ABC News

bul·ly
ˈbo͝olē
noun
-a person who uses strength or power to harm or intimidate those who are weaker.
synonyms: persecutor, oppressor, tyrant, tormentor, intimidator;
verb
-use superior strength or influence to intimidate (someone), typically to force him or her to do what one wants.
A few days ago, BuzzFeed ran an article about a mom’s “unique” parental move to punish her son.  He’d been unkind to kids at school, so she made him wear a t-shirt that said, “I’m a bully”, both front and back.
(Unique, by the way, is in quotes because, Buzzfeed?  This sort of public shaming is anything BUT unique.  It’s – unfortunately – one of the most popular parenting trends out there, and one I’ve written about several times.)
Mom has, as expected, been widely praised for this decision, with few people failing to recognize its sad irony.  The biggest problem with this type of parenting tactic (and make no mistake, there are plenty) is that it is teaching the child that it is okay to do the very thing you don’t want them to do!  Read the definition of bully again.  “A person who uses strength or power to harm or intimidate those who are weaker.”  Or as a verb: “to use superior strength or influence to intimidate (someone), typically to force him or her to do what one wants.”  This mom, by very definition, is bullying her son, for….. bullying.  She is in essence telling him that it’s okay to use force, intimidation, and humiliation to make your point.  She is telling him that it’s okay to negatively use your position of power and authority over someone to make them do what you want.  She is telling him that it’s okay to throw a child’s mistakes in their face, chastise them for their bad decisions, and publicly shame them for their poor choice in judgment.
Is what the boy did wrong?  Absolutely!  But as the proverbial saying goes, two wrongs do not make a right.  Mom’s bullying of the boy does not in any way absolve either one of them of their behavior.
I can’t pretend to know why this particular boy chose to bully.  What I do know though, is that people have a tendency to act as well as they feel.  There’s a reason why the expression, “Hurt people hurt people” is so often touted to explain poor behavior.  Someone who is hurting, or feeling unloved, or unseen, or unappreciated, might lash out and hurt others.  Someone who feels badly about themselves might look for flaws in others to make themselves feel better.  Someone who feels weak might pick on someone who seems even weaker.  Someone who’s bullied may very well turn around and bully others.  People who are hurting inside hurt others.  It is a sad truth, but it’s one that can’t be ignored.
And make no mistake, bullying should never, ever be excused.  Unkindness of any sort should always be addressed, and discussed, and navigated together as parent and child.  It’s a particularly … yucky  (for lack of a better word) part of parenting, but it’s an important one nonetheless.  In fact, just a few days ago, I had to help one of my children around a bullying situation – my child was on the receiving end – and I walked away with many feelings, one of which was gratitude at how it was handled by all parents involved.
Kids are still learning.  Their brains are literally still forming.  They’re human, and sometimes they mess up.  Sometimes they mess up badly.  And yes, sometimes they might be unkind.  It’s not our job as parents to respond to unkindness with more unkindness!  Our job is to set a boundary, yes, but to also offer unconditional love (which, in its absence, may be the very thing causing the bullying in the first place.) Our job is to show them how to treat others.  Our job is to be the ultimate models of kindness to all people… starting with our own children.
And when your child IS the bully?  It comes down to compassion, and understanding, and finding out the WHY.  That “why” is so important!  Behavior doesn’t exist in a vacuum.  People aren’t unkind for no reason.  If your child is a perpetrator, or for that matter a victim, of a bullying situation:  look for the why, and then go from there.   Responding to bullying with more bullying will only make the situation worse.  Talk to your children, but even more importantly, listen.  They’ll tell you what you need to know.  Once you have a frame of reference, you can form a plan and move forward with a solution.
No shaming t-shirts necessary.

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September 7, 2018 · 6:19 PM

An Honest Day’s Work

In case you missed it:

Last week, a shopper at a Trader Joes in New Jersey recognized the cashier.  It was actor Geoffrey Owens, who played Elvin Tibideaux on The Cosby Show back in the ’80s.  She snapped some photos, sent them to a tabloid, and a media firestorm erupted.

Thankfully, the vast majority of people came to Owen’s defense.  Here was a successful actor and family man, who through either choice, circumstance, or a little of both, was paying the bills by working at Trader Joes.  I use the past tense because the undue attention caused him to have to quit his job (although, to their credit, Trader Joes told him to consider it a leave of absence and to come back whenever he’d like), and a national conversation about “job shaming” came to the surface.

All honest work has dignity and worth.  Let me just start there.  It bothers me on a deep level, for example, every time someone makes an off-the-cuff remark about someone only being qualified to “flip burgers.”

Flipping burgers has dignity and worth.  Flipping burgers puts clothes on people’s backs, and food on their tables.  So does running a cash register, bagging groceries, and stocking shelves.

A few years ago someone asked me a series of semi-hostile questions about unschooling, culminating in wondering if unschoolers could go to college or if they could “just work in a trade.”

(Yes, unschoolers can go to college if they so choose, which is another topic altogether.)

But JUST a trade?  When did we become such vocational snobs?  We need people working in trades!  We need plumbers and mechanics and electricians just as much as we need doctors and lawyers and engineers.  Who gets to decide that one is worth more than the other?  Who gets to decide that one is worthy of more respect?  Of more dignity?

The fact is, we’re surrounded by hard workers on a daily basis, many of whom continually get taken for granted.  In the past couple weeks alone, we’ve utilized a car rental company, an auto shop (fender bender, anyone?), a pool repair man, waitstaff, various cashiers, a doctor, a pharmacy tech, customer service, and a whole host of staff members at a hotel.  The common thread?  People earning an honest living.  People working hard to put food on the table.  People working hard to support themselves, their loved ones, their children.  Some are working these jobs as a pit stop on their way to something else, some are working these jobs to support themselves while they pursue a less financially stable craft, some are working these jobs as long-term careers, and some are working these jobs simply because they enjoy them.  All are okay.  All are honorable.

Including, but not limited to, Geoffrey Owens working at Trader Joes.

As an interesting post-script to the story, all the publicity surrounding Owens prompted  producer Tyler Perry to offer him an acting job (which he accepted) on the seventh season of The Have and The Have Nots.   So one lady’s moment of poor judgement ended up leading him to a new opportunity, one that I truly hope he will enjoy and be enriched by.

But if that wasn’t the way the story had gone?  If he’d continued to work at Trader Joes, along with or instead of acting?

I’d at least hope he’s buoyed by the hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands of people who heard about the story, and took a stand.  Hardworking people from every demographic out there.  People who won’t tolerate a fellow human being disrespected.  People who know the value of hard work, and know that not one of us is better than the other.

People who speak up at injustice, who stand on a wall at say, “Not today.  Not on my watch.”

To Mr Owens, I see you and I wish you well… no matter where your next job ends up taking you.

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August 23, 2018 · 9:07 AM

Reality Check

There’s a new list (read: harsh edict) floating around Facebook, and it’s being touted as a “must-read” for every teacher and parent, particularly those of teenagers.  While I’ll concede right up front that some of these are true, the entire list is steeped in negativity.  It is cold and uncaring, and sounds as though it were written in anger.  Honestly, lists like this kind of baffle me.  I assume the goal is supposed to be to change one’s behavior…. but if life is really as terrible as this describes, what exactly would be the incentive to do so?

Here is the original list, along with my response:

1. You WILL NOT be rewarded for bad behavior.

You shouldn’t do anything, good or bad, for extrinsic rewards.  Rather, I want you to do things because they align with your own sense of right or wrong, good or bad.  While you may not be rewarded for certain decisions, you are a human and you are allowed to make mistakes.  You will still be loved and accepted, unconditionally.

2. Being told “No” is a part of life.  GET OVER IT.

Being told “no” is unfortunately a lesson that life will teach us all at some point or another.  Life does this all on its own, so I will never manufacture a “no” for the sole purpose of driving the point home.   Don’t ever let life’s “no’s” define you, either.  Because you know what?  Life will tell you “yes” sometimes too.

3. You are free to make your choice, you ARE NOT free of the consequences. 

This is another one that life will in fact teach us on its own.  Consequences for our actions are one of life’s big teachers, to be sure.  Our job isn’t to be threatened by them, but to trust them, and to empower ourselves to learn from them.

4. Life IS NOT fair.

(This seems as good a time as any to point out that excessive use of caps and underlines doesn’t exactly command respect.  Instead it conveys anger and insecurity)

Yes, sometimes life really doesn’t feel fair.  And when that happens, it’s a time to be mad if you need to (you’re allowed to be mad!), regroup and move on.  And when life isn’t fair for one of your friends or loved ones?  Be their soft spot to land on, and their constant port in the ever changing world.

5. You are not the boss.

Not the boss of who?  Yourself?  Damn skippy you’re the boss!!  Personal autonomy is one of the most important gifts we have in this life.  You make your decisions.  You forge your path.  You choose what kind of person you will be.   No matter what a day may be, it begins and ends with you being your own boss.

6. The world does not revolve around you.

The world doesn’t revolve around any of us.  Or rather, the world revolves around all of us, working together…. which is never going to happen if we’re constantly shaming and demoralizing each other with angry “reality checks.”

7. Respect is EARNED, it is NOT just given.  

I actually think it’s the opposite.  I think respect should be the default.  Respect should be given freely and without condition.  People will show us if they don’t deserve it.

8. The world owes you NOTHING.  Work for it.

Hard work is wonderful.  So is being kind, to yourself and to others.  So is acting with integrity, and decency, and self-respect.  Who does or does not owe you anything is irrelevant.

9. Fits and tantrums will get you NOTHING. Stop wasting your time.

This made me chuckle a little bit in its irony.  The entire tone of this original list is that of a tantrum.  And I agree, in this particular case, that it gets you nothing.

10. You put yourself here.  YOU need to fix YOU.  

Not a one of us put ourselves here.  Let’s just start there.  To be blunt about it, we’re here because two people procreated.  It’s our choice what we do with out lives to be sure, but it’s not our choice to be here.  The onus on us is to live our best lives and be our best selves, not be so shouldered with so much guilt and unnecessary responsibility that we don’t even want to bother.

11.  Shut your mouth, open your ears.

Here’s the thing.  Even if I’d agreed with the entire list, you’d have lost me with this one.  It’s unkind and unnecessary.  We don’t influence behavior, win friends, or gain respect by telling people to “shut their mouths.”  And on the contrary, lots of forward progress has been made in this country, and in this world, precisely because people did not shut their mouths.

Life has some harsh lessons sometimes, this much is true.  But the answer is never, ever more harshness.

 

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August 17, 2018 · 1:17 PM

Dear Trump Supporter: How Are You Still Defending The Indefensible?

source: Twitter

It’s 12:00 on a Friday, I have nowhere to be, and I’m laid up with a migraine.  So naturally I’m passing the hours by thinking about…. Donald Trump.

In all fairness, I try not to talk or write about the president too often.  It’s as frustrating as all hell, it’s not considered polite dinner conversation, and John Pavlovitz is doing an amazing job saying all the things I want to say in a more eloquent way than I could ever say them.

But this just needs to be asked, because I’m genuinely and deeply baffled.

How do you keep defending him?

It feels like that question should have been preceded with a nicety like, “With all due respect,”  but I just couldn’t make myself do it.  Because the thing is, I don’t respect a decision to support the president.  I don’t.  I know it’s not very PC to say that, and God knows I often talk about the importance of respect myself.  But the fact is, while I respect a LOT of people and ideas and opinions that are different than my own, I just can’t respect unkindness.

Or misogyny.

Or bigotry.

Or arrogance.

Or name-calling.

I can’t respect a man who brags about sexual assault.  I can’t respect a man who spends his days disgustingly disparaging everyone who disagrees with him on Twitter.  I just can’t do it.  And the thing I can’t stop thinking about, the thing I keep wondering, is: Do you, Trump supporter, respect those things?  Are they okay with you?  Do you find those traits to be admirable? Do you find this man to be someone to emulate?

Those (mostly) rhetorical questions are for all of you, but most especially for my fellow Christ-followers.  Because I can not, not for the life of me, understand how someone who purportedly wants to live like Jesus lived, could defend and support a man who does everything but.  Donald Trump is like the universe and God and the spaghetti monster all got their collective little heads together, and asked, “Okay, who can we think of that’s the LEAST Christ-like candidate out there?”  And in walks Donald Trump.  And they saw that they’d done their job, and they delivered him on a platter… and the people just ate him up.  Lock, stock, and barrel.

And the rest of us stand with our mouths open, and say, “Wait.  WHAT?  What just happened?”

Because it makes absolutely no sense.  It makes no sense how otherwise kind, compassionate, and reasonable people could buy what he was selling.  It makes no sense how they could overlook what kind of person he is.  What kind of person he continues to be.  What kind of person he’s proud to be.  Because make no mistake.  Donald Trump isn’t just a regular flawed human being who’s made some errors in judgment but is doing his best to right his wrongs.

He’s a man who takes great pride in doing, and saying, horrible things.  He’s not your savior.  He’s the antithesis of a savior… a person who would not only let you drown, but laugh at you while he watches.

So again I have to ask, how can you keep defending him?   Defending his actions?  His words?  His demeanor?

There’s a saying that goes, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”  My friends, Donald Trump has shown you who he is.  Not just once, but over and over again.

And I’m confused and I’m tired and I’m angry and I’m sad.  I want to believe – I have to believe – that there is an explanation.  I want to understand, but I’m afraid that there IS no understanding.  There is simply no understanding the defense of a man like Donald Trump.

So I think my question is really this:

Do you truly not see the kind of person he is?  Or do you simply not care?  Because as far as I can tell, at this point in time, those are the only two possible explanations.

 

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March 22, 2018 · 1:36 PM

Katy Perry, We Need To Talk About Consent

ABC/Mark Levine

My daughter is 10 at the time of this writing.  Like me, she is a lover of all things pop culture.  She loves music, she lives for her TV shows, and she is always on top of the latest Next Big Thing.  Along with this comes a lot of admiration for her favorite stars, whether they be from TV, movies, music, or YouTube.  Now, I can’t – and don’t – tell her who she can and cannot look up to.  That’s her choice.  But you can rest assured that I do keep up a continual dialogue about what makes a good role model, what integrity means, and what we can learn from the people in the public eye (for both good and bad.)

Right now, her very favorite is P!nk.  I adore P!nk.  She’s awesome.  She’s all about empowerment.  She’s strong, she stands up for what she believes in, and she’s by all accounts a devoted mother.  She’s also all about being yourself, and not what society says you need to be.  And you guys?  We just saw her in concert a few weeks ago (AMAZING concert, by the way).  She’s almost 40, and she still straps herself to a harness, and flies and does acrobatics – while singing, no less! – way over a crowd of 10’s of thousands of people.  She is a BADASS.

And now here’s Katy Perry.  Up until a couple of weeks ago, I didn’t have a particularly strong opinion about Katy Perry either way.  I have to admit some of her songs are catchy.  And I saw a documentary about her once – I am a total sucker for behind-the-scenes, musician documentaries – and it stirred up some compassion, for sure.  There was one scene where she was in tears, total panic attack mode, right before she had to go onstage and make this grand entrance.  Her marriage was ending, she was emotionally spent, and she didn’t know if she’d be able to do the show.  But she gathered herself, put on a smile, and went out to give a killer performance.  No one knew what had just been taking place backstage, until/unless they saw it on the documentary months later.  It made me gain new respect.

But Katy.

You did something really, really wrong.

In case you missed it, she is a new judge for American Idol.  There was a young man (still a teenager at the time of the audition) who said he’d never had a girlfriend, and therefore had never kissed a girl.  Katy called him up to the judge’s table, inviting him to kiss her on the cheek.  He was embarrassed, clearly, but did he want to kiss her cheek?  I don’t know.  But he obliged, kissed her on the cheek, and she immediately complained, “No, you didn’t even make the smoosh sound!” And then she held out her cheek a second time.  This time, when he went in to kiss her (again, on the cheek), she turned her head at the last second, kissing him on the mouth.  He was so shocked he literally fell over.  Katy threw her arms up in victory like she’d just scored a goal in soccer, the other two judges laughed and whooped it up, and the poor kid was so shaken that he had to ask for a glass of water before he could even perform his audition.  His performance, by the way, was greatly influenced by the whole thing, and his nerves got the better of him.  The judges found this funny; one of them commenting, “He’s still trying to recover from that kiss!”

Shame on Katy Perry.

Shame on the other judges for laughing and encouraging.

Shame on ABC for using this footage as advertisement, again and again and again.

Because let’s be clear on a couple of things here:

1) If the situation had been reversed, and it had been one of the male judges kissing a young female contestant… we all would have seen in for what it was:  sexual harassment.  He likely would not have had a job the next day.

2) She abused her power and her celebrity to take advantage of someone in a sexual way, which is never okay.

3) Despite those who argue “chill, it was just a kiss!”, kisses are intimate.  Yes, there are different kinds of kisses, that connote different things:  The kiss between a parent and child; the kiss between friends and relatives; the kiss between lovers.  But no matter the kiss in question, it is intimate.  It is personal.  It requires and demands consent from both parties.  Katy Perry kissed someone on the lips (someone who, it should be noted, was barely a legal adult) without his consent.  That is the very definition of sexual harassment – at a minimum.  Some would say sexual assault.   And it was applauded!

I don’t care that it was “all in good fun.”  I don’t care that it was Katy Perry.  Does she just assume that anyone should be happy to receive a kiss from her??  I don’t want a kiss from Katy Perry.  And this young man didn’t want one either.  Which should bother us.  A LOT.  And it’s backwards and disturbing that we need to reverse the roles in order to understand the severity and the ramifications of what she did.  If it had been a male judge?  We would have been horrified.  We would have had an immediate, visceral, angry reaction.

It’s intensely disturbing that I need to say this, but consent matters, no matter your gender.

What Katy Perry did was wrong.  The fact that people are laughing about it, applauding it, thinking that this young man should consider himself lucky: that’s wrong too.  Full stop.

I find it sad and ironic that in today’s current climate, when we are finally calling out all the men for their actions, that we’re not doing the same for women.

Consent goes in both directions.

Every time, in every situation.

If there is ever to be any change, we at the very least need to have some consistency.  It really does nothing for our cause if we (rightly) chastise men for their crimes, but somehow excuse women… because, what?  Because they’re Katy Perry?  Because this boy should be counting his lucky stars that this famous pop star gave him his first kiss on the lips?  It doesn’t work that way.  We need to be standing up, again and again, and saying “no more” to sexual harassment, no matter the gender of the person doing the harassing.

 

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Filed under headlines, hot topics

February 3, 2018 · 1:33 PM

An Open Letter to Kelly Clarkson

In a January 10th interview, Kelly Clarkson defended her decision to spank her kids, saying in part: “My parents spanked me, and I did fine in life, and I feel fine about it, and I do that as well.  That’s a tricky thing, when you’re out in public, because then people are like, they think that’s wrong or something, but I find nothing wrong with a spanking.”  The following is my response to those remarks.

You love your kids.  I don’t doubt this.  You would give your life for them.  Like the rest of us, you’re doing the best you can with the information you have, and you have the added pressure of having your every decision critiqued by the general public.  I can’t pretend to know what that’s like.

I understand what you are saying here.  I do.  You are simply doing what your parents did, and probably their parents too. Those patterns run deep, and they require a lot of effort, self-reflection, and often painful realizations to break.  Your parents loved you after all, so why would they do something that hurt you?  The fact is, they just did the best they knew how to do, with the information that they had at the time.  But we’re not our parents.  And we have more information now.

You say you’re “fine”, which is one of the most common refrains that I hear from those who spank their kids.  But – and I say this in the most gentle way I know how – you’re believing a lie.  You’re not fine if you think it’s okay to hit children.  That’s what spanking is.  It’s hitting.  And it’s hitting someone smaller and weaker than yourself.

The great thing about the passage of time is that we can learn from the generations before us.  Our parents did (and didn’t) do all kinds of the things that we now know more about, and can ideally learn from and do differently.  We didn’t wear seat belts.  Or bike helmets.  People smoked through their pregnancies. They were encouraged to wean after just a few months, or even weeks.  Just the other day I was thinking about piercings (I’m currently in the process of healing my latest one), and how the old school of thought told us to twist the jewelry every day.  Now, of course, we know that this actually impedes the healing process, and that the best thing to do is to just keep them clean and leave them alone.

When we know better, we do better.

There is a big movement right now admonishing moms to stop judging each other, and instead just recognize that people do things differently.  To a large extent, I agree!  I don’t care if you make your kids a homemade balanced breakfast, or if they eat a Pop-Tart in the car on the way to school.  I don’t care if their bedtime is at 7:00 or 11:00.  I don’t care if they spend their free time watching SpongeBob or reading Moby Dick.

The thing is though, spanking is not a parenting issue.  It’s a human rights issue. Children, like all humans, have the right to be free from violence, especially in their own home.  They have the right to autonomy, to decide who does and does not touch their bodies, and when, and how, and for what reason.  Hitting your children not only teaches them that it’s okay to solve problems by hitting, but it specifically teaches them to hit people who are smaller and weaker than themselves.  It also seriously blurs the lines of consent, and lets them believe that, well, sometimes it’s okay for people to touch private areas of their bodies, as long as the person doing the hitting is unhappy with their behavior.

Hitting a spouse – or a friend or a neighbor or a stranger in a bar – is assault, and a serious offense.  There are even animal cruelty laws to protect animals.  46 of the 50 states have enacted felony penalties for certain forms of animal abuse.  The fact that there are no such laws to protect children does not make it right.  Your right to parent as you see fit never supersedes your child’s right to be free from harm in his or her own home.  Because make no mistake.  No matter how you frame it, spanking is still hitting.  And hitting in any way, shape, or form (other than in self defense) is violence.  And it’s wrong.

The ironic part?  Parents that spank do so because they think it’ll improve their children’s behavior.  But study after study shows that spanking actually has the opposite effect.   Spanking makes a child less likely to listen, not more.  It also contributes to later aggression, anti-social behavior, and mental health problems.  This is real.  This is not an opinion, nor is it just empty words. Spanking is harmful, on every level, and the best of intentions (and absolutely, I believe that most parents are well-intentioned) doesn’t change that.

Our kids need our protection. They need our support and our guidance.  They need us to be living examples of what it means to be respectful and patient and kind.

More than anything though, they need our love.

And hitting should never, ever be conflated with love.

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Filed under gentle discipline, gentle parenting, headlines, hot topics, mindful parenting, parenting, spanking

January 9, 2018 · 7:28 PM

There Is ONE Person To Blame For Sexual Harassment (Hint: It’s Not The Victim)

Happy New Year!  I didn’t at all intend to start this year with a post like this, but I saw a meme, was swiftly irritated…. and, well, nothing inspires me like a little (or a lot) of irritation.  

So the Golden Globes were this past weekend.  I used to be a big fan of the award shows, but have mostly stopped watching them.  We did have the Golden Globes on though, mainly because Stranger Things was nominated, and Tegan is still into all things Stranger Things, all the time.  It didn’t win, but Lady Bird did, as did its protagonist, Saoirse Ronan.  I was really excited to see that, as I’d just seen that movie a few weeks ago, and absolutely loved it.  Very well deserved win.

People have incredibly strong feelings about the Golden Globes, and all the award shows, and Hollywood in general.  This post is not about that.  People get all worked up about how much money is spent on dresses and jewelry and hair and makeup, and it’s not about that.  Other people stress out about the political climate, and celebrities getting on soapboxes, and how everyone has an agenda.  It’s not about that either.

This is about sexual harassment, and about the fact that we are still – in 2018 – blaming the victim.

This is the meme that came across my newsfeed:

I’m feeling particularly generous, so I won’t start out by pointing out the fact that “harassment” is misspelled.

It’s not nice to tell people that they’re dressed like hookers.  Let’s just start there.  A person’s attire does not dictate their profession.  And even if it did,  it’s gross  – and easy – to turn sweeping generalizations and stereotypes into insults.  Seriously, calling people hookers?  Wow.  What a well thought-out and mature argument.   (Side note here, because it has no bearing on my point: I think all three women look gorgeous.  Also, Halle Berry is 51!  I hope I have even half the confidence she has to so totally own and rock that dress when I’m 51.  The masses like to tell people what they should and should not wear at certain ages.  Malarkey.  Wear what makes you feel good.)

Comparing them to hookers isn’t the biggest problem here, though.

The problem is that sexual harassment is caused by the people doing the harassing.  Full stop.

A woman’s wearing a low-cut top?  Still the fault of the harasser.

A woman’s wearing a short skirt?  Still the fault of the harasser.

A woman dares go out into public with her hair done and her face made-up and lots of skin showing?  Still the fault of the harasser.

Sexual harassment is an actual problem, and blaming the victim just perpetuates it.  Writing or agreeing with or sharing memes like this makes you part of the problem, not part of the solution.  If you think certain clothing gives men carte blanche to say whatever they want, you are part of the problem.  If you think that woman should feel complimented or flattered when they’re cat-called, or receive unwanted advances, or are touched in a way that makes them uncomfortable, you are part of the problem.

And while it should go without saying (except that I’m having to say it), not only is it insulting and unfair and disgusting to make “suggestive” clothing the cause of men’s misbehavior, it’s also just categorically untrue.  Lots of women are harassed.  Wearing lots of different kinds of clothes.  True story:  A couple of weeks ago, I was driving to an appointment downtown.  I’m a 44 year old mom, driving a mom-car, wearing my mom-uniform of jeans and Chucks.  I glanced over at the car next to me at a red light because, well because that’s what you do at red lights.  The driver looked over at me, made eye contact, and smiled.  Not a friendly smile, but a decidedly creepy, leering smile.  I forced myself to give him the benefit of the doubt, and decided that maybe it was innocent after all.  Maybe he just had that sort of face.  A few more sideways glances at future lights (he was beside me for what felt like 15 miles), told me my instincts had been correct.  He was leering.  And being gross.  And making me incredibly uncomfortable.  I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt.  It wasn’t okay.  And guess what?  If I’d been wearing any of the dresses in the above photo, it wouldn’t have been okay either.

Sexual harassment is the fault of the one doing the harassing.  Each time.  Every time.

The great irony in this that the ones blaming the victims,  the ones taking the onus off the men?  They’re actually showing their distinct disregard for both genders, in one fell swoop.  They’re turning women into objects, sexual non-humans that are merely present to attract attention.  But they’re turning men into objects too:  Walking penises incapable of controlling themselves, doing nothing more than looking for their next conquest.

Our women deserve better.

Our men deserve better too.

Most men manage to make it through the day without harassing a single person.  Most men know how to respect women.  Most men see women in low cut dresses as…. women in low cut dresses, not as a get-out-of-jail free card to treat them however they’d like.

As for the others?  The ones who do use power and intimidation and ego to sexually harass women?  That is their fault. 100% of the time.

And it doesn’t make a damn bit of difference what their victim happens to be wearing.

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