Category Archives: life

January 2, 2011 · 10:27 AM

My Girl

Tegan’s New Year’s Day Dora viewing party

I have a confession to make. I’ve never had a professional manicure. I’ve never been to a spa. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve paid for a haircut. I’m not into purses, know nothing about makeup, and I haven’t seen my hairdryer in a decade. My standard-issue wardrobe consists of jeans and t shirts. In short, I’m not exactly what you’d call a “girlie” girl.

I was never the one who dreamt about having a little girl of her own, never the one who felt like she wouldn’t be complete unless she was able to be a mother to a daughter. I loved having three boys (I still do!) and when we were blessed enough to become pregnant with Tegan, it was with no expectations other than to have another beautiful child.

I dreaded the comments. Dreaded them. Not so much the comments that were made to me alone, because I’m a big girl, but the comments that were made right in front of the boys. “Trying one last time for a girl?” “Hopefully you’ll finally get a girl.” “I bet you’re hoping for a girl.” How hurtful that must have been for the boys!

I needed a placard to hang around my neck:

Yes, we’re having another baby after 3 boys. No, we are not disappointed that we had only boys. No, we were not “trying for a girl.” Yes, we will be JUST AS HAPPY if our fourth child is a girl or a boy.

We still get the unsolicited commentary when people realize that we had a girl after 3 boys, and it still bothers me. I freely admit that I’m more sensitive about it than I should be, but (a second confession, if I may) letting go of hurtful – and repeated – comments from family members has never been my strong suit.

And here’s the thing: I am so glad that the decision was not up to me. I think about it sometimes, and I realize that we could have very easily called our family complete with the three boys, so content we were the children we’d already been blessed with. I am so thankful that God placed it strongly (so, so strongly) on my heart to have another. And I think it’s ironic – and wonderful!! – that this tomboy was given not just a girl, but a GIRL’S girl…. a girl who loves pink, and sparkles, and nail polish, and princesses. A girl who’s filled my house with dolls and dresses, crowns and castles. And so help me, I love it.

Being a mother to the boys came very naturally to me, and I was pleasantly surprised to find that mothering a girl, while being completely new to me, came just as naturally. Legos, nerf guns, bow and arrows, tea sets, princesses, Dora parties. I’m there.

And when she’s ready for her first real manicure, I’ll be there too.

Plans and Passions

Last night we rang in the New Year with a carpet picnic of fried, not-even-remotely-healthy-non-food, wine, and season one of The Big Bang Theory. Today we saw Mike’s parents off at the airport, went to a movie with the kids, and started planning for 2011.

I avoided it for as long as I could. As focused as I’ve been on living in the moment, thinking about a whole other year seemed somehow distasteful. But it’s officially here, and I can deny it no longer.

So plan we must.

Everett is in a play this spring, with rehearsals starting next week.

We’ve got field trips and co-ops, appointments and day trips

We have visitors coming for a week in February

I’m beginning yoga teacher training in March (unless I change my mind about the timing, again, because.. well.. I do that)

I’d really like to edit my Nano book

A friend and I are collaborating on an unschooling project

We’re tentatively planning a three-week trip east this summer.

And so it goes….

A lot of planning, figuring, thinking, and dreaming. Right now though, I’m thinking of none of that. Right now, I’m actually thinking of blogging (while I’m blogging, what are the chances?) I read an article about blogging the other day, by the lovely Dan over at Single Dad Laughing, and it talked about – among other things – the importance of blogging every day. Every. Single. Day. It also mentioned posting a picture with every post, which is why I included the yogi at the top of this entry (which really has nothing to do with anything, except that I mentioned yoga). So, I was reading this article and thinking about blogging, and I suddenly decided that this will be the year that I will cease being Jen who occasionally blogs, and become Jen The Blogger. Because, well why not. Because I want to see over 300 posts in one year in my archives.

And because I can.

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Filed under about me, life, New Years

May 7, 2010 · 9:16 AM

Babies and New Chapters

Our next door neighbors have a six month old little girl. She’s perfect and beautiful… big, expressive eyes, happy smile, cheeks that defy you not to squeeze them. She is sweet, easy-going, and curious.

I must admit, I’m actually not the kind of girl that gets all crazy about babies. I’m crazy about my babies, but I was never one of the ones who cooed and gushed and made a spectacle of myself just because I was in the presence of a cute baby. This baby though, she turns me into that kind of girl. She does. She makes me gush.

Which is why I was so surprised by the realization I made when I was lucky enough to babysit her a few days ago. Our friends had gone out to a show, so we had her all evening. We fed her dinner, gave her a bottle, and rocked her to sleep. I was looking at her face, sweet and peaceful as she lay, passed out, in my lap. I always marveled at my babies when they were sleeping. Their perfect little eyelashes, their tiny noses, the way their lips stayed permanently pursed. Yes, it was undeniably wonderful to even hold such a young baby again, as my baby is now a busy and oh-so-active active 30 pound toddler, and it made me fondly nostalgic for all my kids’ baby days. She was just a warm and delicious bundle of squish. And yet… instead of an inner voice screaming, “I want another baby!!,” a voice I feared would never be completely silenced, I was met with another voice. Quieter and calmer perhaps, but every bit as absolute, it told me “I’m done.” I don’t want another baby. I feel happy and blessed and complete with our family exactly as it is, and I no longer feel the acute ache of someone “missing” that I felt before we got pregnant with Tegan.

Bidding a definitive farewell to baby days is bittersweet. Those first weeks and months (and years!) go so quickly. So, so quickly! I don’t understand why everyone is in such a rush for their children to grow up, celebrating everything from sleeping through the night to weaning to potty training, as if they’re one step closer to being done parenting. If there is one recurring adage I try to continually live by, particularly when it comes to parenting, it is to embrace the moment… to embrace all the moments. I loved having babies, and I have loved every age since. I love that our family is growing and changing as the kids get older, and I love knowing that it’s bringing new adventures, new discoveries, and yes, even new challenges.

I have been thinking a lot about the future lately, partly to dream and to plan, and partly to satisfy the ever-growing “itch” I’ve been feeling. When the boys were around Tegan’s age, I felt that same itch: it was time to do, to move, to grow. It was time for more. And all three times the answer was another baby.

This time there will be no more babies, and while I was fully prepared for the reality of that truth to make me sad, it does not.

Instead, I feel excited to welcome a new chapter of our lives. I’m excited to be nearing the completion of my Nutritional Consultant certification, and I’m excited to begin the Master Herbalist, the next piece of my Bachelor’s degree. I’m excited about researching a future business, and I’m excited about doing it together, as a family.

I’m EXCITED!

I’m excited, and I’m peaceful with what God has currently placed into my heart and into my life. It’s all unfolding, and it’s good. I’ve been reminded lately, in fact as recently as yesterday, that I won’t always receive support from everyone outside my own little 6 member family. In fact, it’s been my general experience that most people – including those who you’d expect to be the most encouraging – go out of their way to deliver nothing more than negative and nay-saying comments when given the opportunity. I will not let others’ negativity affect my life, my joy, or my drive. All I can do is feel sorry for them, and the way they’re limiting their own potential happiness. What a sad way to go through life!

I choose Joy.

i am exactly where i need to be
i need to be exactly where i am
i am a blessing manifest
i can undress the moment
naked time unwinds beneath my mind
and from within i find the kind of beauty
only i can find ~Amy Steinberg

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Filed under about me, life, parenting

March 6, 2010 · 7:13 AM

Letting Go

I’ve decided, again, that I need to do some letting go. Not of the past, or of the stress of the toxic and negative people in my life (though of course, those are worthwhile pursuits of their own) but of the little things, and of the pressure I put on MYSELF.

Like lots of people, I have a to-do list that doesn’t end. While I love the feeling of crossing things off my lists, I do not like the feeling that at times life has actually become nothing more than a giant to-do list. Housekeeping lists, lists of assignments for my classes, lists of playdates and practices and appointments for the kids, lists of projects I want to do, stuff to research, things I want to blog about, emails to answer, bills to pay…. surely something is off-balance there! Life is to be enjoyed and savored, not just broken down into a series of tasks to check off a list.

One week ago today, we took Tegan to the zoo to celebrate her birthday. It’s been on my list of things to blog about, because she had such a great time, and I got some really cool pictures. But I haven’t had time to do it, and it still remains on my to-do list… and it’s stressing me out. Which is CRAZY, because I love to blog, and something’s way wrong if I allow it to become a source of stress. Life is filled with enough things that we have to do, without adding silly self-imposed deadlines to the list. So, there will be no blog about the zoo. We went, we enjoyed, I took some pictures. 😉

There, I’m crossing it off my list. And life will go on.

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Filed under life, simplifying

January 28, 2010 · 1:33 PM

Seasons Change

2010 has brought with it a shift. Things are changing, and I’m thankful that our fluid homeschooling lifestyle allows us to not only ride with the tide, but to embrace it.

While the latter part of 2009 was spent largely and voluntarily on our own, at home, we are now enjoying the call to come out of hibernation. We’re signing up for field trips, making more playdates, and meeting new people.

After 3 seasons, Paxton has decided not to play baseball on a team this spring, instead just continuing to enjoy the sport on his own. He’s happy with his choice, and seems to look forward to just being Paxton for awhile, instead of Paxton-the-ball-player.

Everett is currently taking an opposite track, and wanting to do, see, and try more more MORE. He’s about to start his second season of baseball, and in one week will be taking gymnastics as well. At home he’s been immersing himself into one project after another, from origami to sculpting to baking to studying the human body. He’s the happiest when no two days are alike, when each day brings something new. It’s a feeling I can fully understand at the moment, as I’ve been on my own similar quest.

Last week I enrolled in school, for the first time since Paxton was a baby, and will – God willing – finally finish my certificate in Holistic Nutrition, before moving on to Natural Health. My vocabulary is not large enough to explain how excited I am, both to start the new program, and to see what else the next 11 months are going to bring.

Life & Tattoos

I have wanted a third tattoo since… well, since I got my second one. I have been looking through pages and pages of beautiful Japanese kanji, but couldn’t decide on that one sentiment: something I wanted to think on and look at and be reminded of every day for the rest of my life. Then I came across the phrase ima wo ikiru which means Live in the Moment; Carpe Diem. If I have reminded myself of anything the past several years, especially when it comes to parenting, that would be it. To be present at all times, to be mindful of the moments, to appreciate the little things. To recognize that life IS the little things.

Plans change, I know this well. But as of today, this will be my new tattoo. Life is about the moments.

Here are a few happy moments from the past week: