Every Tuesday, I’ll choose a handful of questions to answer here on my blog, as long as the questions last. Want to ask me about unschooling or parenting or anything else I write about (which is, uh, pretty much everything)? Send them here, or post on my Facebook page.  

This week, it’s all about unschooling!  Next week, I’ll focus on some parenting questions.

What does an average day at your house look like?

This is always a hard question to answer, because so much of it depends on the time of year, the season, what everyone’s interested in at the time, if people are wanting to be out and about or are more inclined to stay home, etc.  One of the really great things about unschooling – and homeschooling in general – is that it largely allows you to follow your family’s natural rhythms, rather than being confined to someone else’s schedule.

Lately, things have been… crazy.  So for the most part, the kids and I are appreciating the downtime when we get it. Spencer, who’s 17, and setting the groundwork for a lawn care and small engine repair business, will spend a lot of the day in the garage working on his engines, outside testing out weed-whackers, studying for his next test, or playing games on the computer with his friends (he runs his own Minecraft server.) Paxton, who’s 14 and by far the biggest introvert of the bunch, is the one I have to make sure I connect with or I’d never see him.  🙂 He spends his time on his computer fairly exclusively. Everett is 10 and busy busy busy.  He loves the computer like his brothers, and he also loves animals, science, karate, experimenting, moving around, and accompanying his mom on errands.  He’s always got some sort of project going on.  Currently, it’s a triops he hatched about a week ago.  Tegan, at 6, seems to have one foot still in “little girlhood”, and another foot confidently exploring her independence.  She loves to play games with me, of all kinds.  Loves to bake.  Loves to play with her friends. Loves music and dance.  Loves her TV shows.  She’s recently begun playing Minecraft, and has a brand-new little Skype buddy.  🙂  My role in all of it?  To be here, in whatever ways they need.  I pursue my own interests too (and at the present time, am busy working on conference planning), but my first priority is them:  Getting them what they need, bringing them where they need to go, answering questions, playing, talking, listening, helping, showing.  And Googling.  Always lots and lots of Googling.

What activities do your children do that are run by others e.g ballet etc?  And do you find that these activities are enough for your kids to make friends?

What’s interesting to me about this question is that it’s one I would have asked myself 15 years ago.  I too thought that my kids would make their friends through “extracurriculars.”  And they’ve done a LOT of them too. Between the four of them over the years we’ve had basketball, baseball, karate, gymnastics, fencing, Cub Scouts, ballet, and likely many more that I’m forgetting.  The older two don’t really have any outside activities at the moment, and the younger two are down to two activities each (gymnastics and ballet for Tegan;  gymnastics and karate for Everett).  They’ve enjoyed all the activities they’ve done, and they have made friends – or at least been friendly with – other kids in their classes….. but that’s not really where they’ve made their good friends.  Most of their best friends (and they certainly have no shortage of friends) are either fellow unschoolers/homeschoolers that they’ve met and connected with through homeschool groups, field trips, etc, or met on their own through mutual friends, OR met on the internet through shared interests.   The friendships that they’ve formed inspire me.  They are true and long-lasting.  In just a couple of weeks, Paxton (14) is going to get on airplane to stay with a friend in Michigan for a couple of weeks.  They’re going to fly back together in time for the conference, then his friend is going to stay with us a couple of weeks as well.  I realize that people can and do still visit with friends when they’re in school…  but generally not when school’s actually in session, and generally not for a month at a time.  I’m excited for him that he gets this opportunity.

What kind of things do you do to provide a learning environment for your children and how does it work if you have more than one?

LIFE is the ultimate learning environment.  I know, I know.  It sounds corny.  But it’s true.  I think the best thing parents can do to provide a learning environment for their kids is to just be involved in their lives, and let them be involved in yours.   We’re a family, so we do life together. Beyond that though, just practically speaking, it’s important to have interesting things to play/read/explore/discover, both in and outside the house.  Books, games, toys, puzzles, movies, an internet connection, Netflix, computers, art supplies, science kits, a zoo membership, a Science Center membership, interesting people, interesting places… the list goes on.   When they have a specific interest, I do everything I can to help them explore it (a recent example is here), and as long as money or practicality is not a factor, I support spur-of-the-moment wishes too (that’s how Everett ended up with his Triops)

As for having more than one child…. I think the most honest thing I can say is that you find a way to work it out. My kids are all about 3.5 years apart, so I’m going to have had a very different experience in that regard than my friend who has 5 children 10 and under, including a set of twins.  There are seasons that are more difficult than others (for example, when one child is going through a period when they need all of mom’s attention, all of the time, and doesn’t want to share), but overall, you find your groove.  🙂  You do things together, you do things separately, you take some one on one with each child… it works.

Do you have a routine/structure at all? 

Other than that opposed by outside activities (ie:  we have gymnastics on Tuesday afternoons, karate and ballet on Saturday mornings, church on Saturday night), probably not in the way you’d ordinarily think of “structure”, no. We do however have a rhythm to our days, and again it depends on what’s going on at the time. I always hesitate a bit with this question, because I think that the misconception will be that if there’s no routine, the house is chaos, and it’s not the case.  It is…. free-flowing…. but not chaotic.   If we have nowhere to be, we sleep until we’re rested.  The kids all get up at different times, so they eat when they get up. Our day may then take us to any number of different activities, either at home or away…. and we all come together to eat dinner when my husband gets home from work.  We wind down in the evenings, and go to bed when we’re tired (with a resulting “bedtime” that looks very different than the mainstream, particularly for the 14 and 10 year old who are currently on vampire schedules and stay up most of the night.)

But it works.  And when it doesn’t… when there are kinks, or someone’s not happy, or someone’s not getting needs met… we fix it.

I recently received an email that asked a couple of great questions that really spoke to a larger issue, one that gets brought up a lot.

There are two things I’m wondering if you can help me understand. I’ve read your posts on no tv limits and no bedtime. At what age did you begin that with your kids? I’m wondering if that’s something I should consider starting now for my 3 yr old, or if I should wait until she’s older. What are your thoughts there?

First, I would caution anyone – at any stage of unschooling – against making any extreme changes all at once.  (Ie: Kids have an 8:00 bedtime their whole lives, and mom one day announces, “From now on, no more bedtimes. Stay up as late you want.”)  Such a drastic step rarely goes well, causes stress and chaos, and makes it far too easy to slip into a mentality of “anything goes,” which is the antithesis of thoughtful unschooling.  Instead, say “yes” more often.   Take baby steps.  Make gradual changes.  Follow Sandra Dodd’s advice of “read a little, try a little, wait, watch.”   Think of the goal of having a happy, peaceful, respectful relationship with your kids… not of giving them total freedom (which doesn’t really exist anyway.)

A few days ago, I read a post from a well-meaning and frustrated mom who’d recently started unschooling, and had done away with a set bedtime for her very young – 3 or 4 year old – daughter.  The girl was literally staying up all night, until 4 or 5 in the morning.  She was making noise and making it difficult for others to sleep, and she was (understandably!) exhausted and cranky the next day.   The current situation was clearly not working, for anyone involved, but mom was confused about what she should or should not do about it, because “unschoolers don’t have bedtimes.”

ALL kids, unschoolers or not, need sleep.  ALL families, unschoolers or not, need to work together to respect everyone’s needs if the household is going to operate as one cohesive, peaceful unit.

We don’t have set bedtimes – for any of our kids –  but sleep and the nighttime routine are definitely one of those fluid, ever-changing things that we often have to re-evaluate.   Most nights, I don’t know when the 16 and 13 year old go to bed, because I go to bed before them. They’re usually happily playing on their computers, and/or Skypping with friends when I say goodnight.  They go to bed when they’re tired, and sleep as late as they need. When our schedules change for whatever reason, they use their alarm clocks, and/or go to bed a bit earlier each night to get re-acclimated.  The 9 year is usually up when I go to bed as well, although I will often ask him to either play more quietly, or go to bed to read/watch TV if he’s being too loud for others to sleep.   He sometimes has issues with volume control when he’s playing Minecraft and Skypping with his friends, so we talk a lot about respect for others who are trying to sleep (particularly his dad, who has to get up for work at 5:00 AM).  As for the five year old, we’re actually working with her on this.  Within the past several months, she wanted to keep up with the “big kids” and started staying up later and later.  Which actually would have been fine – her favorite late night activity is usually coloring, which is completely quiet – except that her body wasn’t allowing her to sleep in in the morning, so she just wasn’t getting enough sleep.  So we worked with her on getting to bed earlier… doing quiet things, reading books, laying in our bed with us, etc.   These days, she’s staying up fairly late, but she’s started sleeping later as well, so she’s well-rested.  We all got a bit off our routine over the holidays, with all the activity, people visiting, etc.  So we’re currently finding our way to back to normal. Assessing, evaluating, making changes where they’re needed.

And television?  It’s a great tool and resource, so yes, I wouldn’t arbitrarily limit it any more than I’d limit books or blocks or art supplies.   If your house is fun and happy and interesting, television becomes just another cool thing that your children could choose or not choose in any given day, no matter their age.  If it’s been previously limited, just move slowly.  🙂  “Sure, you can watch another show.”  “Of course, I’d love to watch Strawberry Shortcake with you.”  TV watching, like anything else, goes through ebbs and flows.  Sometimes they watch a lot, and sometimes they don’t watch at all for weeks at a time.

One other thing, we do a daily quiet time where she plays in her room for while. She’s an introvert and will happily play in her room on her own for hours at a time, much longer some days than we typically request of her for quiet time. It’s seemed to work well for her and gives her an opportunity to recharge and play in her own space without her little brother getting in her way. After reading more about unschooling though, I guess I’m questioning that, thinking maybe we should just all her to choose how and where she wants to play during that time as well, instead if restricting it to in her room. Do you have an thoughts or insights on that?

I’m a huge introvert, with a busy life and four kids and a husband and a house to take care of…. so the idea of spending hours alone in my bedroom sounds positively dreamy to me.  It sounds like your daughter really enjoys it, so I think it’s great that you’re facilitating that for her. There’s no need to require it though.  Some days she might not want it or need it.  Some days she might want to play with her brother, or just talk to mom.   I’ve found that my kids and I will naturally come together and move apart multiple times throughout the day…. sometimes playing together, sometimes working on our own things but in the same space, sometimes in our own space completely.   And while there are certainly times (especially towards the end of a busy day) when I’ll say something like, “I just need a couple of minutes to catch my breath and have a sip of coffee”, I pretty whole-heartedly disagree with the advice that’s often given that advocates “taking a break” from your kids.

We’re all a team, choosing to spend time together.  The years when they are young and needing and wanting lots of attention from mom go so fast,  (So fast.  SO.  FAST!)  so I do my best to embrace them. At the end of the day, what I really want is for my kids to know that mom was there. And the fact that you’re searching, and asking questions, and evaluating tells me that you want the same thing. 🙂

(Want me to answer a question in an upcoming blog post?  Send it here.)

I’ve really been enjoying answering questions this week!  If you have questions, feel free to send them either here or on my FB page.   Just let me know if you’d rather I’d answer you privately (and please be patient… sometimes there just aren’t enough hours :))

Without further ado:

What lead you to unschool your kids? I know you’ve written a bit about Spencer’s beginnings as a child with certain needs that influenced your decision but I’d like to hear more!

This is always the hardest question for me to answer.  Not because I don’t know the answer, but because there are just so very MANY reasons that it’s difficult to know where to begin!

I first read about unschooling when my oldest Spencer (16 at the time of this writing) was still an infant.   I’d gotten some homeschooling books from the library, and there happened to be a John Holt book or two in the stack.  I don’t know what had sparked the interest in the first place, because up until I’d had a child of my own, I was one of those people who 1) Didn’t really understand homeschooling, and 2) thought that anyone who would choose it had to be either a religious zealot or a weird, crazy hippy.

But for whatever reason, I looked into it… and I just never looked back.   I found unschooling in that very first stack of books I read, and it Just. Made. Sense.  It clicked with something deep inside of me, and there was simply no way to ignore it.

I did fine in school… I got good grades, I was on the honor roll, I took advanced classes… but I spent a huge portion of it bored, wishing I were outside, or curled up in a chair reading a book, or writing a story, or painting a picture.  I wanted something different for my own kids.  So I chose differently for them.  I also chose it for me, so that they could have the experience that I didn’t get to have.  And I chose it for my husband, who spent his whole school career being told he needed to go into business and accounting, simply because he was good at math… which led to a great job, but also led to the realization that he’d gone into something that wasn’t entirely of his own choosing, as well as an admission that he’d wished he’d taken a different path, that he’d be happier if he was working outdoors, or with his hands in some way.  I chose it for all the people (and there are so many of us!) who are “out of the box” learners, the square pegs that don’t fit in the round holes, the ones who might do terribly in school…. or the ones who might do fine, but who’d be able to do so much more if they were in a more conducive environment.

I chose it because I believe John Holt when he says, “True learning – learning that is permanent and useful, that leads to intelligent action and further learning — can arise only out of the experience, interest, and concerns of the learner”

I chose it because for me, it seemed to be the most kind, respectful, individualized way for my children to learn what THEY need to learn… according to their personal paths, their interests, and their desires.  I chose it because I think that we all learn best when we are the ones who are able to decide how, when, why, what, and from whom or from what we learn.

And yes, I chose it because when Spencer was three, and receiving speech therapy services from the local public school, we got a very real taste of “the system”, and what it would mean for our family and for our sweet, intelligent, unique little boy who was already being told that he needed to be in a special school in order to be “fixed.”   We opted out, and to this day (nearly 14 years later) we happily and peacefully and gratefully stand by that decision.

Do you have any advice for those in small communities who are trying to get involved in a homeschool or unschooling group? I’ve been searching for over a year in my little town and it’s been like pulling teeth to try to find something. Only found one homeschooling group so far… still have yet to meet ONE single other unschooler in this town!

I am not a big group person.  I only somewhat recently came to terms with that, I think because there can be a real pressure to believe that groups are good and/or necessary if you’re going to homeschool.  The socialization!  The connection with others!  The community! But I don’t particularly enjoy big group activities, and 3 of my 4 kids share my sentiments.  And that’s okay.

Having said that … with the exception of a couple of dead-in-the-water park days with new groups with whom I just did not fit in, I do have to give credit where credit is due.  I’ve met some good friends through homeschool groups.  Even through the Christian group that sent me away with a bad taste in mouth after I was told I needed to read my Bible more carefully.

My suggestion would just be to keep trying, and don’t underestimate the power of your online community either! I’m at the point now that nearly all my friends, with the exception of a few that remained from childhood, are people I met through online connections.  I lived in Phoenix for a good five years before I really met any local unschoolers who I truly connected with (and even now, that number is very very small).  I’ve met with quite a few groups that weren’t a good fit.  But when the timing was right, the right people showed up in my life.  🙂  I’m very thankful for my local friends, for sure, but I’m equally as thankful for my not-as-local online tribe … the ones who were there through our move, through all the years before we really knew anybody, and through all those days when I just need to be at home.

And finally, it’s good to remember that having a close, connected, peaceful, joy-filled nuclear family is more important to unschooling than joining a group any day.

I was thinking about a couple of your recent posts, and thought about the line “Children live up to our expectations.” I’m wondering, what expectations do you have for your children?

I really love this question.  What’s interesting is that I read it wrong the first couple of times I read it.  I read it more as, “What are your hopes for your children?”  But then I realized that my hopes and my expectations for my children are one and the same.    These are also some more of the reasons that I unschool.  Not that a non-unschooling family couldn’t foster the same things, not at all.  It’s just that I find unschooling particularly conducive to my goals/hopes/expectations for my children.

I expect that my children will be able, eager and confident life-long learners.

I expect that my children will be true to their own sense of self.

I expect that my children will be kind, loving, and respectful of others.

I expect that my children will choose lives for themselves that make them happy.

I expect that my children will live lives of great value, both to themselves and to others.

Thinking of my kids and my expectations always makes me think of the Emerson quote on success.  This… this is what I want for my kids (and for myself!):

To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.

I recently received an email about chores, and it’s a question I’ve gotten a LOT.  I’ve written about the topic on my blog before, most recently here, but I wanted to answer the question publicly again.  Sometimes hearing something on a different day, in a different way, makes all the difference.