Category Archives: Tegan

May 7, 2011 · 7:00 AM

It’s Hard to be Three

Tegan had a rough day yesterday. Truth be told, we all had a rough day. It’s been hot, and hot + Phoenix + no A/C does not a happy camper make. No one slept very well the night before, and there was no reprieve from the heat – or the fatigue – during the day.

At three, Tegan’s right between that age of needing a daily nap and, well, not needing a daily nap. Most days lately, she neither wants nor needs one, and gets along just fine that way.

Yesterday was not one of those days.

It started, innocently enough, with a homemade smoothie. She didn’t like the cup I chose for her. I got her the cup she wanted, but she still wasn’t happy.

“Everett has more than me!”

Everett, selflessly wanting to help, poured some from his cup into hers.

She lost it. “Noooooo…. Mommy, he poured his smoothie into my cup!!”

Well, he was trying to share with you, honey.

“I don’t WANT him to share with me!!!!!”

That was about that the time that I berated myself for not noticing the signs earlier. She was exhausted and in need of a nap. Not only was she exhausted and in need of a nap, but she’d passed that point… that point at which I could no longer simply offer to lay down with her and have her happily snuggle into me and drift off to sleep. She was overtired now, and mad, and I would have to slowly, slowly wait for her allow me back in.

And I’ll be honest… the next several minutes weren’t pretty. She cried while she drank her smoothie, and she cried even harder when it was gone. She didn’t want Everett to be in the same kitchen – or universe – and she was suddenly very offended by the placement of her chair, and the table, and her cup.

I asked if I could get her a snack.

“Yes, but I don’t want Everett to look at me!”

What can I get you?

“I don’t want a snack!”

Are you tired? Do you want to go snuggle up with me in bed?

“I’m. Not. Tired.” At this point, she got distracted by something in the kitchen, and started crying again. “No, don’t dump out the bubbles!!” Everett was washing out the blender and was just about to pour its soapy contents back into the sink.

Did you want to play with the suds?

A nod. A small one, but a nod nonetheless.

I set her up at the sink and got her a big bowl. For a few minutes she played happily and calmed herself down.

Sort of.

Not five minutes later, she was done playing in the sink, and I helped her dry off. She asked if she could watch one of her favorite TV shows, and I turned it on for her. She climbed onto the couch, and when I went to sit down in a chair across from her, she patted the seat next to her saying, “Why don’t you sit here?” So I did. She smiled at me as she scootched closer and closer, finally coming to rest in my lap.

Ten minutes later she was asleep, and she slept for over two more hours after I carried her to bed.

Moments like those, I think more than any other, challenge me to be a better mother.  It’s hard to maintain patience and composure when your child is overtired and emotional.  It’s hard to speak calmly when you’re met with nothing but loud dissent.  But you know what?  I think it’s even harder to be three.  I really do.  You’re a small person in a huge world.  There is so much to do and see and try and discover, and there are frustrations at every turn.  You’re tired, but you don’t want to miss anything.  You’re then grumpy, and you don’t know why.  You want to be the big kid, but you also still want to be the baby.   Your needs and your wants and your desires change at a moment’s notice, and it’s scary and it’s confusing and it’s exhausting. Your feelings are strong, and sometimes overwhelming.

It’s hard to be three.  And I think it’s my job as a parent to minimize that as much as possible.

When Tegan got up from her nap, she was rested, refreshed, and once again looked like this:

Ready to take on another day, and to continue navigating the ups and downs of the world.  Together.

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Filed under gentle parenting, parenting, Tegan

April 17, 2011 · 12:07 PM

Another Great Room Swap, Part Two

She doesn’t actually sleep in it yet, but she enjoys pretending. 🙂

This is the little kids’ room, bringing our latest room swap project to a close.  There’s still work to be done (including, but not limited to:  painting, decorating, and culling through the 4638 toys, puzzles, and games they’ve accumulated over the years) but the “big stuff” is done, for which I am thankful.  Everett and Tegan are both thrilled with his new slide bed, and I am thrilled with the fact that there is not just a clear path to the bed, but an actual floor! 

It has inspired me to do more long-awaited projects around the house, which – if the past is any indication – will be completed just in time for us to sell.

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Filed under Everett, projects, Tegan

April 11, 2011 · 7:35 PM

Come on mom, get tough.

I have very, very few pictures of my children crying. Mainly because 1)I don’t really want to dwell on their – or anyone’s – moments of sadness, and 2) I know I wouldn’t like it if someone was taking pictures of me when I was crying. It just doesn’t seem nice to me.

The picture above was captured by accident, not too long ago, when I was testing out the camera. She was over-tired and rapidly vacillating in between moments of frustration, and total glee. About five seconds later, she was laughing:

Today though, she was crying. Imagine the top picture, but with sound.

I had a bad day today. Tegan had a bad day today. Neither of us had as bad a day as Everett though, who is suffering through another – very painful – UTI (something he’s been dealing with his entire life) We were all exhausted from a busy weekend and not enough sleep, and I’d thought that today was going to give us some much-needed down time. Instead the three of us were at the doctor’s first thing this morning, at the grocery store buying cranberry juice, and at CVS filling Everett’s prescription.

Tegan spotted the gum near the register on the way out of CVS. She asked if we could get some, and I had to tell her, “not this time.” She asked why as she started to cry, and I could tell from the way that she’d rooted herself to the floor that we were not going to be making a graceful exit. I knelt down so I could talk to her, and I told her the truth.

“Because I only have a little bit of cash right now, and we need it for the field trip tomorrow.”

“But I want gum.” She cried harder.

That’s about the time that I started to feel everyone staring at us. I think most moms know that feeling… that feeling of being watched, and judged, by all the other shoppers. That feeling of frustration, and even embarrassment… not because of your child, but just because everyone is looking at you. Waiting to see what you’re going to do. Waiting to see how you’ll handle it.

I handled it the only way I knew how, as calmly and quietly as I could. And when I picked her up – still crying – and made my way out to the car, I was followed by an older gentleman who offered,

“Come on mom, you need to get tough with her!”

I did not respond with the first thought that came to mind (for which I am proud) but instead gave him a wordless smile while I got the kids into the car…. one disappointed and unhappy, the other sick and in pain. I just wanted to get home, and get home soon.

Get tough with her? Even now, 7 hours later, I’m still thinking about it and shaking my head. Aside from the obvious irritation of the unsolicited advice, what does it even mean?

Get tough with her. For what? For being human? For being disappointed? For being tired? For acting like any other three year old who’s allowed to express her emotions?

I can’t say that I always respond to my crying children as patiently as I’d like. I can’t say that I’m always as compassionate as I’d like. But I can say, with absolute certainty, that being more “tough” is the LAST thing I am going to do when one of my children is upset, when one of my children is sad, when one of my children is in pain in some way… Whether it’s a pack of gum, or a canceled play date. Their feelings are real, just as real as yours and mine. They deserve to be treated kindly and gently all the time, but especially when they are unhappy.

Isn’t that just common sense?

So, dear stranger in the CVS parking lot: I sincerely thank you for your nosy intrusion concern today, but I’ve got this one covered. And the next time my girl cries (which she will one day, because she’s human) I will think of your words, and I will do the opposite.

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Filed under Everett, parenting, Tegan

April 5, 2011 · 2:13 PM

Beautiful Cacti

Emerson the chicken visited us up in the swing set

One of Tegan’s very favorite things to do right is to swing.  It actually makes me a little sad just how much she loves it because 1) The swing set (which we got for free 4 years ago) is in major disrepair, and is going to have to be taken down sooner rather than later, and 2) It won’t be long before the temps are 110+, and our only outdoor activities will be those involving water.

So, we’ve been sure to spend lots of time on the swings – and enjoy every minute – for both of those reasons.   I push her on the swings until my arms start feeling like lead, and then I push her some more.  When she’s had enough swinging, we go up into the play house area, where we hang out and chat about important girl things like Dora, chickens, and farts.   We were doing exactly that yesterday, when she suddenly stood up and said,

“MOMMY.  Look!  I see houses!”  She was looking over the wall towards the houses across the street.

Tegan’s view across the street

I’m not sure if she’s never noticed it before, or if she was just enjoying it anew, but she was very excited by this discovery.  She was looking across the street the way a tourist would look at the Grand Canyon.  In awe.

“Look!  Look in their front yard!  A cactus!”  And then she heaved a giant sigh.  “Oh it’s so beautiful.”

“The cactus?”

“Yes, mommy, look.  It’s a beautiful cactus.”

Keep in mind that we live in Phoenix.  There’s a cactus on every corner.  There’s a cactus everywhere. We can’t leave our house without seeing a cactus.  Like anything else that you’re used to living around, we take them for granted.   They provide a pretty backdrop when we’re off-roading, but beyond that I never give them much thought.

But my daughter wasn’t looking at just any old cactus, she was looking at this cactus, and she found it beautiful.  My heart broke a little bit, again, the way it does every time I’m struck with just how very much I love these kids.  She is so innocent.  So pure.  So in love with life, and so in love with the moment.  And it’s beautiful.  It’s all beautiful.

It’s funny, because one of the biggest obstacles people seem to struggle with when it comes to deciding to homeschool is whether or not they’d know what they needed to know to teach their kids.   But as any parent that’s paying attention could tell you: the real lessons, the important lessons, we learn FROM our kids, not the other way around.

This particular lesson – to live in the moment, to be still, to appreciate the beauty and the wonder even in the simplest of things – is one that my youngest child has taught me so well.

“Yes baby, it IS a beautiful cactus.”   And it was.  The most beautiful cactus I’ve ever seen.

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Filed under life, parenting, simplifying, Tegan

March 25, 2011 · 3:05 PM

T is for Tegan

Tegan (3 years old at the time of this writing) is enamored with letters right now. All letters, but especially the letter T. She will find, and excitedly point out, the Ts everywhere we go. “T for Tegan!” And when she can’t find one, she’ll make one…. crayons, markers, eye liner, dirt, yogurt… she’s not choosy about her medium.

Yesterday was the kind of perfect March day that makes all my east coast friends – who are still under snow in many areas – groan with disgust. Low seventies, blue skies, very gentle breeze. A day that just defied you not to be outside. The kids and I have been a little housebound this week, so we got ourselves moving, got ourselves dressed, and headed to the park.

On the way there, we discussed such important topics as iCarly, what it means to write a bad check, jail (and juvenile hall), Corvettes, The Fray, and current trends in fashion. I would have been content with the day even if it had ended there, I so love riding and chatting with the kids.

But an afternoon of fun was waiting at the park:

There was swinging

And sliding.
More swinging
And running.
More swinging
And climbing.
 Hey look, cousins!
And more swinging.
And important meetings in the sand.
Yelling
And oh yes, even more swinging.
And last, but absolutely not least, a much looked up to and admired older cousin..
to help her make a gigantic, larger than life, T for Tegan in the sand.

And the day was complete.

(Today’s post was brought to you by the letter T and the number 3.)

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Filed under Tegan, unschooling

March 11, 2011 · 8:29 PM

Life With a Three Year Old

This is my favorite coffee mug

We bought these mugs about 5 years ago, and they are still my favorite mugs for my morning coffee.  They just make me deliriously happy.  We originally bought 8, and are down to 7 (which is pretty darn good, considering my tendency to break things.)  I have a few other mugs that I will use, depending on my mood, but this is the mug you’re most likely to see if you drop in on me on any given day.

Yesterday, I was on cup number three.  I took that final swig, set my cup down, and saw this:

It looked like a ramen noodle, but we don’t buy ramen noodles.  It could have even been a small worm, which in some ways might have been preferable to what it actually was.  I asked Tegan if she knew what it was, and she very casually peered into my cup, went back to what she was doing, and said,

“Oh, that’s my dental floss.  I put it in there.”  Because naturally, the most normal and sensible thing to do with your dental floss when you’re done with it is to put it in your mother’s coffee. 

She’d put used dental floss in my coffee.  Used dental floss.  In my coffee.

“How about next time, you put it in the trash when you’re done?  Or you can give it to me, and I can put it in the trash for you?”

“Okay, Mommy.”  Sweetly, innocently.

Never a dull moment.

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Filed under parenting, random, Tegan, unschooling

February 22, 2011 · 7:57 PM

A Letter To My Daughter

To my sweet Tegan,

You turned three years old today. Three years! That really shouldn’t surprise me, because I’ve watched you growing and learning every day the past three years, and I’ve been with you every step of the way. I know every story, I remember every wound. I’ve seen you become the amazing little girl that you are. But you know, to be a mom, and see your babies growing up… especially your last baby… there’s always something about it that catches you off guard. That bittersweet moment of wondering, “How did you get so big so fast?”

And it’s important for you to know: I’m pretty much in awe of you. You’re three years old, and you are just so perfectly and authentically YOU. You know exactly what you like, and exactly what you don’t, and you’re always true to both. You have a whole drawer full of cute little jeans that you never wear, because you’re just not a jeans girl. You don’t like ponytails, instead choosing to leave your hair long and loose, beautiful and crazy curls bouncing around your shoulders. You’re particular about your chocolate, and you absolutely love sausage (which, I’d be remiss not to mention, you still consistently call “hostages.”)

You love Dora and Diego, you love reading books and drawing pictures, and you love dancing in the living room. You love walking baby Luna out to the car when she leaves. You love laughing and being silly.  You always appreciate potty humor.  You love to be naked.  You love your pink swing.  You love painting your fingernails. You love helping me bake.    You are sweet and genuine and love surprising people.  You love your family.

You are wonderful.

And today, on your birthday, I have to ask you something.  I have to ask you to never lose that absolutely beautiful self of you.   Embrace it, and stay true to it, and never let anyone tell you that are anything less than perfectly and uniquely created just as you are.  Do what makes you happy, and always follow your own heart.  While the world (or even people you love) may tell you you’re crazy, or dreaming, or weird, YOU are the one who gets to choose how you live your life… from the work you do, to the company you keep, to the way you treat people, right down to the way you wear your hair. 

You are you.  You’re an individual.   Be proud of that, and never compromise on who you are for the sake of fitting in.  It’s okay to be different, and it’s okay to blaze your own trail.  Never let anyone else tell you who you should be… not me, not your friends, not “society.”

In return, I make this promise to you:

I promise to love you, unconditionally.  I promise to encourage you, to help you, to be there for you.  I promise to be your ear, your shoulder, and your cheerleader.  I promise to support you in your efforts, and advocate for your passions.  I promise to treat you with kindness and respect and in a manner that I would like to be treated.  I promise that when I mess up (and I will mess up occasionally) that I will own up to it, and I will apologize, and I will do better the next time.   I promise to hold you close when you want me, and to let you go when you don’t.  I wish I could promise to protect you from every hurt, every disappointment, every heartbreak… but I can’t.  I can promise to pick you up when you fall, to wipe your tears when you cry, and to sit beside you as you mourn. 

And I promise to let you be you.

Thank you, for the past three years.  Thank you for being you, and thank you for teaching me to be a better me as well.

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Filed under birthdays, parenting, Tegan

February 19, 2011 · 10:08 PM

Tonight

I want to be sad tonight. I can think of no other way to say it. For so many small, small reasons, I want to be sad.

I want to be sad because all the Krispy Kreme donuts (which we have about twice a year) were gone before I got to heat one in the microwave and experience its cloud-like goodness.

I want to be sad because we had a last-minute birthday party for Tegan and Spencer today, and we never even sang Happy Birthday, or had them blow out any candles.

I want to be sad because I didn’t get any good pictures, because for some reason even though I’ve managed to learn how to use the camera when it’s not a particularly important shot, using it under a high-pressure situation still has me completely flummoxed. 
I want to be sad because I’m TIRED, oh. so. tired.  because once again too many nights of not sleeping have caught up with me, and have magnified everything to larger-than-necessary proportions.

I want to be sad because I don’t understand people sometimes, and have a hard time accepting that people will continue to do passive-aggressive hurtful things instead of talking about their issues like grownups…. because people don’t respect themselves enough to do things differently.
I just really want to be sad.  But I can’t.
Fourteen years ago from tonight, I was brand-new 23 year old mother.  I was nursing my first child, an oh-so-tiny 5 pound little boy, with big eyes, lots of black hair, and skin he’d yet to grow into.  My life changed that night.  It became less about me, and more about HIM.  Tonight, that little baby is a healthy and happy teenager.  




He didn’t care that we didn’t sing happy birthday, or that he didn’t blow out any candles.  In fact, he hasn’t stopped talking about what a great birthday he had.

I went on to have three more healthy children after that day (three more… seriously, how blessed am I?)  including this one, who also claimed it was the “best birthday ever,”  even though her birthday isn’t technically until Tuesday:



I can’t be sad tonight.  I’m too grateful to be sad.   Tonight, I’m grateful.  


I’m humbled.
I’m blessed.
I’m so very blessed!

I will not sweat the small stuff…. and it’s all small stuff.


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Filed under birthdays, Spencer, Tegan

February 16, 2011 · 7:41 PM

"Somewhere Out There…."

It got kind of long because she got herself in a loop and kept repeating the same line over and over and over… And the camera started shaking because I was laughing for the same reason.  But in my not at all humble opinion, I think it’s pretty darn cute.  A bright spot in what turned out to be a not-too-bright day. 

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Filed under Tegan

February 8, 2011 · 8:44 PM

Regrets, and saying "yes"

I try really hard not to live with regrets.  Regret, like worry, is a wasted feeling.  Nothing productive can come of it, and both make it impossible to live fully, and joyfully in the moment.  But if I could go back to when I was a new mom … there are things I would have done differently, to be sure.  A couple are big ones that I’m going to have to live with:  I cannot go back and have the homebirth that I’d deep down really wanted from the start, and never had, and I cannot uncircumcise my oldest son.

🙁

But, I find it very empowering to 1) admit that I wished I’d done certain things differently, 2) forgive myself for doing the best I could with the information and knowledge I had at the time, and 3) Learn from my mistakes!

One thing that I wish I’d done right from the start was to say “yes” more.  So many little things that could have brought joy to my kids that I just dismissed out of hand, for no good reason.   I was tired, or I didn’t feel like it, or it would make a mess, or I didn’t want to spend the money, or spend the time…..

I’ve learned from that mistake.

I say “yes” now, unless I have a darn good reason.  I’ve been saying “yes” for a long time now, but I still have those fleeting moments of regret, those reminders that it has been a process to get here.  Those reminders that Spencer didn’t get at many “yes”s as a toddler as the others.

Today we went to to Toys R Us so that Spencer could spend some birthday money.  He picked out a game and some accessories for his DS, I got Tegan a Dora coloring book she wanted, and the boys all bought themselves snacks on the way out.  Outside the store was one of those little coin operated merry-go-rounds.  Tegan had pointed it out to me on the way in, so I knew she’d want to ride it on the way out.   She asked as soon as we reached it, and I was ready with my “yes.”

She rode it three times, until I ran out of quarters… laughing and singing as she went around and around.   I watched her enjoying it, and enjoyed it with her, but there was that tiny part of me that thought about the fact that 10 years ago I probably would’ve said “Not this time,”  or “Maybe another day,” or “We need to get home.”  And why?

Because the germs kind of gross me out.
Because I’m always tired at the end of any sort of shopping trip.
Because I didn’t want to stand around in front of a store.
Because I didn’t want to go fishing for quarters.

In other words, for NO GOOD REASON.

I’ve learned from my mistakes.

It took about 5 minutes of our time, and $1.50 in quarters…. and it created a moment of total joy for a three year old.  What was I going to do with that five minutes and 6 quarters anyway?  Surely nothing as important as making my daughter happy.

Today, I will say yes.  Tomorrow, I will say yes.  If it’s at all physically possible, and if it’ll make my kids look like this:

I will say YES.

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Filed under parenting, Tegan