This guest post is by my dear friend, and all around awesome person, Alice. Thanks so much, Alice, for letting me share your words!:
I’ve never really been a huge fan of surprises. Not that I dislike flowers for no reason, or surprise packages that come in the mail, but I’ve always felt that looking forward to something great was half the fun. So when I was pregnant with my 3 boys in 2004, 2006, and 2009, naturally my husband and I found out their genders at the ultrasounds. In January of 2011, 19 weeks pregnant with our fourth and final baby, we brought our 3 boys with us to the ultrasound, expecting to find out I was carrying our 4th boy, and thrilled with the prospect of a baby of either gender.
Have you ever been surprised speechless? How about surprised into a panic attack where it literally feels like time stops, as well as your heart?
When the ultrasound technician dropped the bombshell that I was carrying not one but two baby girls, there are no words to describe my range of emotions. But I am nothing if not a planner, and as I was already halfway through my pregnancy, I felt an urgency in preparing for two bitsy girls. Desperate for resources, I scoured the internet for tips, ideas, and been there done that suggestions on parenting twins. I read twin message boards, and everyone who knew someone with twins in real life told me all about it.
I had attachment parented all 3 of my boys. Co-sleeping, babywearing, nursing on demand and following their leads on just about everything felt natural to me, and judging by how happy and healthy my boys are, it worked out pretty well for them too. But the majority of what I was reading and hearing about twins was all about bottlefeeding, schedules, crying it out, and figuring out how to get that much-touted “me time.” And that led to yet another surprise – fear. I was scared.
Was it even possible to still be an attached parent with not just two newborns, but a 7, 5 and just turned 2 year old as well? Would I be forced to nurse the girls on a schedule? Would I get any sleep at all? And where would I sleep? We have a king sized bed, but my two year old was still sleeping in it with us.
I’m not going to keep you in suspense, so here’s the short answer: YES! Attachment parenting is not only possible with multiples, it’s a godsend. Every family will probably have slightly different solutions, but here is what works for us. Since we don’t even own a crib, and had no intention of buying one (or of separating the girls from each other), their room has a full size bed. One side has a rail, and the 3 of us sleep in there together. I nurse the girls on demand – sometimes they nurse together and sometimes they nurse alone. This nighttime arrangement has been such a blessing in so many ways. Anyone with more than one baby can tell you that the more children you have, the less one-on-one time you get with each. And although I hold my girls as much as possible, I’m simply unable to carry or wear them as much as I did my boys. But every night all night, I’m there with my girls. It’s best for them, and oh so healing and restorative for me. Any guilt I feel over not being as attached as I would like to be during the day dissipates each night as we lie together in the dark.
Over the 7 years that I’ve been a mother, I’ve amassed quite the collection of baby carriers. Slings, moby wrap, Storchenwiege, mei tais – and all of them have seen heavy use with the boys. They do sell baby carriers for twins, but none seemed especially comfortable or practical for mom or babies. Most of the twin moms online wore one baby on front and one on back, either in a moby wrap/mei tai combo, or 2 mei tais. Here’s the problem – those babies were all 6 months and up, and I just couldn’t find much about how to wear 2 newborns. And now I know why – it’s hard.
I was lucky enough to have my parents stay at my house to help for a really long time (6 weeks before the girls were born and almost a month after), so there was usually an extra set of arms for a snuggly newborn. But when there wasn’t, I found the best way to manage was to wear one baby in a sling and to carry the other baby face down lying on my left arm. I alternated which baby went in the sling so each got a chance to snuggle next to my heart. And my left arm? Let’s just say if you challenge me to an arm-wrestling match you’ll probably lose. That left arm is badass, all on its own.
When the girls were still very small, I wore them together in the moby wrap next to each other.
When they were old enough, right around 4 months, I was able to wear them in the mei tais, one on front and one on back.
But I’ll be honest – that is physically exhausting and I only do it if I really need to. I still prefer to wear one baby in the sling (on my hip now) and hold the other baby in that badass left arm. And it has gotten easier as the girls have gotten older – they like to be on the floor with a few toys, and are already mobile at 5 months. That presents new challenges, but my arms are free more often to do things with my boys again.
Here is the most important thing I can say to anyone wondering if they can attachment parent multiples: YOU. CAN. DO. IT.
It won’t always be easy but you don’t have to sacrifice the beautiful benefits of attachment parenting because you’re lucky enough to be blessed with more than one baby.
I am not a superhero. I am not gifted with limitless patience.
I am not doing anything that you yourself can’t do if you want it badly enough.
The hard days have been the hardest of my life. Long days where the babies, my 2 year old and I are all crying, me hardest of all. Days where there isn’t enough of me to go around, where I need 4 more arms and a truckload more patience. Days where the babies cry and my first thought is, “I am NOT breastfeeding again.”
But I do.
And as I look down at my little bitsy girls, who often hold hands while they nurse, I’m grateful that their need for nourishment forces me to slow down and hold them. Before I know it, they’ll be grown and the hard days of life with 5 small children will be just memories. I’m doing my best to make the memories happy ones, one moment at a time.
And you know, just maybe I’m a fan of surprises after all.
Alice Davis is an Army wife, mother of five, and probably the last person on earth who doesn’t have a blog. She loves to talk about unschooling, attachment parenting, and mothering multiples. In her copious amounts of free time, Alice sells handmade baby hats and tutus in her etsy shop (www.etsy.com/shop/
Great post, Alice! And so neat to see how you breastfed both your girls and have carried them around!!! It simply amazes me 🙂
I, too, am a mother of twins who attachment parents and bfs (still going strong at 23 months). It was a process getting to be OKAY with this b/c I heard a lot about needing to have a schedule and making sure they sleep through the night (still not doing that). It is HARD. Harder than anything I’ve ever done. Just not having breaks was so so exhausting. I can relate to days where all of us were crying – me the hardest. I used the moby and the mei-tai a lot. I did a schedule in a way as they got older. I always fed them at the same time (once they were about 3 mo) and luckily they were almost always sleepy at the same time.
Attachment parenting multiples looks different, but still it can be done. I did it because doing it any other way was just too hard for me.
Be still my heart. They hold hands while nursing? Omigosh, that is so sweet.
Isn’t that the most adorable, heart-tugging thing EVER?
The best part? It *never* gets old. Makes me melt every time!
My twins held hands while nursing too. So so sweet. Now at 23 months, I sometimes wish I had plexiglass to separate them. 😉 Still cute, though, their little personalities coming through.
My brother and wife just had twins. They insist that it is impossible to not schedule feed them, and someone without multiples wouldn’t understand. Thanks so much for presenting the other viewpoint. Hopefully someday they’ll realise their own strengths.
I would say that your brother and SIL are scared. Support them by bringing them meals, going shopping for them, and holding a baby when they ask for that kind of help.
What a beautiful story! Thanks for sharing, and congratulations Alice on such wonderful little girls. 🙂
Hold hands while nursing, got me right in the heart. Lovely post Alice!!!
SO beautifully written!!
I *loved* reading this! And, having been with you every step of the way, I have to say every word is true. I’m so proud of the way you mother and I’m proud to call you a friend. XO
Every step of the way, including the births of all my babies except #1! Wouldn’t be the same without my Pam. xo
So inspiring, as I look ahead hoping to add a couple more babes to our family of 4, every once in a while I get panicky and think “what if I had twins (especially with our #4 pregnancy)???” because we also practice attachment parenting and I would feel like to not do so would go against our very nature and be a disservice to these later babes. And here you had this EXACT scenario. That picture of the two sleeping in the Moby as newbies, that got me to my very heart. AWWWWWW!!!! And such a gorgeous mama. I feel like my kids have aged me LOL, yet here you are so fresh and lovely with 5! 🙂
What’s funny is it never occurred to me that this pregnancy would be twins, although every prior one I had hoped for twins (and I’ve always wanted twins ever since I was a little girl). Thank you for the compliments — I made sure to take a picture that day because I happened to get a great night’s sleep, and was wearing makeup. 😉 Trust me when I tell you most days it’s a whole other story.
Thank you all so much for the kind words and supportive comments! I would love to reply to each one, but ironically the girls are teething and therefore we are all having a fairly rough time. But if anyone had any questions, or someone with or expecting multiples wanted to chat, please feel free to email me.
So proud to be your sister!!
Hear, hear – me, too!
And proud to be your cousin!!
Congrats on your surprises. My first pregnancy was surprise twins. We have managed to co-sleep, breastfeed, and attachment parent, and add a third child 17 months after the twins birth. I hope you have a blast with them! Mine are almost 4 (b-day is tomorrow) and I can’t imagine what I would be like without them!
Thank you so much for posting this. I have a 14 month old son and am pregnant with twins. I am most nervous about how I will nurse 2 babies, wear 2 babies and not make my little boy feel neglected. Double the worry this time, but thanks to articles like yours, I feel like maybe I CAN do it all.
I have a very similar story, my older boys were 6,4, and 2 when my twin boys were born. I found out about the surprise of twins at the 18 week u/s (that I considered not having), my husband and I walked around like zombies in shock for the next 3 weeks! As soon as she said twins, I knew it had to be boys. I nursed them until 18 months and wore them in the moby together like your pic until 2-3 months (they got too big). I was lucky enough to have a nanny/ friend that wore one in a moby too when they were too big for just me. I never figured out how to wear them together comfortably when they were bigger. I never expected to have twins, but they are such a blessing (when they are behaving!)
I, too, have twin girls 🙂 They are almost 16 months old now and we’re still breastfeeding and sometimes co-sleeping. They have a crib that is next to our bed but they come to ours at least once a night to nurse and sometimes stay there longer than nursing. I’ve also double baby worn with my sleepy wrap on the front and my boba on the back lol. It’s so nice to see other twin moms like me who breastfeed, co-sleep and baby wear. It makes me feel much less crazy to be doing what feels most natural.
And I ABSOLUTELY understand that “I’m not breastfeeding again” feeling. ROFL. I swear you took words out of my brain from about a year ago 😀
omg this is such a nice post!! i loved it so much it brought me to tears especially the part where the girls often hold hands during nursing. you’re amazing!! 🙂
I too have twins, 6 months olds…I am a planner, but have learned to let go somewhat with my babies. They sleep in a crib in my room but still nurse on demand in bed with me. Milk production has been a struggle but I have persevered so far!! I absolutely *love* nursing and my twins hold hands almost nonstop. They adore snuggling each other or with Momma. I cannot imagine life any differently. And yes, I’ve had tons of people tell me that I’m crazy when I have both in the Moby or nursing at the same time. But I don’t know anything else!
Thanks so much for writing this! I can so relate to all of what you said. I am also and AP Mom to twins and a 2 year old. I was also blessed with two step children who are now 18 and 16. I struggle some days with not feeling like I am doing it perfectly, ha! I wore my daughter all the time and with the boys, I just can’t do it all the time. I bought a twin carrier, and I still can’t figure out how to use it and the boys are 4 months old. 🙂 I like what you said about night time making up for it. We do sleep together, and our daughter always ends up with us again too. I love that part of it. It is so special. When I was pregnant, most people thought I was crazy for wanting to tandem nurse. A toddle and a baby. Now I am nursing 3. I don’t find it crazy at all. I think it is very natural, but I do have days where I feel overwhelmed. I didn’t have a lot of time to worry about the logistic of how it would all work, I didn’t find out I was having twins until baby #2 came out. Surprise! Thanks for writing your story! It made me smile. My twins like to hold hands while nursing too. One of my favorite things.
I had a 4 year old and 2 year old when 48 hours before my third was born I found they were twins. I had 48 hours to plan. I was planning a homebirth and when we found out (unexpectedly) that it was twins we needed a back up doc that was OK with a twin homebirth. He was out of town for 4 days. I wound up at a birth center because they checked me and I was 7 cm’s. The twins were 36weeks so all was fine. (we had declined ultrasounds… and when I spotted at 36 weeks we decided to check the placenta of this healthy growing singelton). Healthy was right.. just that there was a boy AND a girl in there. 😉 I co-slept (and still do) and I nursed them until 27 months when it got to be too much for me. (I was tired).
What a wonderful post!! Your girls are lovely and so lucky to have you as a momma!! You’ve been extremely encouraging to this mom of 3 boys age 2 and under!! (26 months and 10 months x2!) 🙂
Thank you so much for this post – I cried as I read it. I have a 2-year-old son and am expecting twins this spring. I spend a lot of time worrying about whether I’ll be able to do any level of attachment parenting with my duo and still give my first born all that he needs. It’s so nice to know that if you accept that it will be hard, that you can do it.
reading this is giving me flashbacks! we were 21 weeks pregnant and brought our then 4 year old to the ultrasound when we found out, surprise!, twin girls…what a crazy day.
at just under 5 feet tall i’ve always felt it was a cosmic joke to have twins, and while i had big dreams of wearing them at the same time, i never did. i LOVE your pictures…they are so lucky!!
my girls are 2 now, still happily nursing (though night nursing is a misery for me i’d like to end but don’t have the energy to right now) and bed sharing.
thanks for your post! i’ve found that nursing moms are so in “awe” and encouraging but i’ve actually never met a fellow twin mom who has made similar parenting choices. my theory is that no one ever told them they could…and i guess no one ever told me i couldn’t.
I also have a similar story – found out we were having surprise twins when my oldest was 2.5 and my little guy had just turned a year. We ended up with four under 3.5y and wow, the early days were crazy. I didn’t make all the same attachment parenting choices you did, but I loved cosleeping. It absolutely made up for the times when I couldn’t hold them during the day. Wonderfully written article and very encouraging for moms of twins! (Like others have said, it’s so scary imagining how you’ll care for two. Seeing someone do it and thrive at doing it can go a long way toward erasing that fear.)
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I love this story and wish I’d found it ages ago! I have 5 girls ages 6 and under. I’ve always co-slept and breastfed on demand, but when I was pregnant with our last two (our precious twins), I was convinced I would be a bottle feeding, schedule mama. Not so, I am still feeding our twins at 17 months and they still sleep snuggled with me at night (and sometimes our 3 year old joins us too). Alice, what a beautiful encouraging story. You need to start a blog!
This made me smile…because I am a twin, and, boy, was my mom SURPRISED when she found out – as I was being born! No ultrasound back in those days (1968) and the OB only ever heard one heartbeat with the fetoscope. My mom nursed us both, and a photo of her tandem nursing us (at around 2 months) was one of my inspiration photos when I was in labor with my first 🙂
Thanks for the motivation & reassurance! I have boys ages 4-1/2, 2-1/4 now I’m at 18 weeks expecting twins (genders unknown)! I am happy, overwhelmed and nervous! I also attachment parent and breastfeed on demand. I want this to go as well with our twins as this went with our first two!
Thank you for this. We AP’d our dd who is now 10 (and still do really, although it’s a bit different at this age) and are finally expecting her siblings, twins… I’ve been discouraged also by all the info about sleep training and feeding schedules, and feel very weird and alone in our choice to do our best at APing our twins. I do have one friend who successfully breastfed her twins, and I find hope in that, where I constantly hear that it’s not possible… This was so helpful for my peace of mind. Thank you!
You’re welcome, and congratulations! My girls are still breastfeeding, and they’ll be 2 next week. You can do it! -Alice