I used to get really jazzed about New Years. I was allured with the whole idea of clean slates and fresh starts, and I couldn’t wait to start writing in my crisp new planner – Okay, that part hasn’t changed. I’m very excited about my 2021 bullet journal – But somewhere along the way I either got more realistic or more jaded, because it’s just another day on the calendar to me now. I don’t do resolutions, I don’t make vision boards, I don’t come up with a “word of the year” (that’s one I’ve noticed is really popular lately). I don’t begrudge anyone who does do those things; it’s just not for me. If I want to make a change or try something new, I just do it, regardless of the date on the calendar. A little over a week ago, Tegan and I decided to start Couch to 5K again. There were a few reasons, but it was mainly because we’re signed up to do a mud run this spring (Covid permitting), and it will be more fun if we have more endurance. We could have waited until the new year, but we started on December 20th. Voila. No New Years resolutions about exercise.

There are a few popular things though that even I did make resolutions would absolutely not make the list. Here are three things I won’t be doing for 2021, in no particular order:

Trying to lose weight – I have a long, complicated history with my weight. From dealing with disordered eating starting in my teens and lasting well into adulthood, to being underweight, to being overweight. Three years ago, I was put on a new medication that made me swiftly put on 40 pounds, and a year ago I was put on another one that made me swiftly lose 30. Could I still lose weight according to those outdated charts? Yes. Would I be mad if I lost it? No. Am I actively going to try to lose it? Also no. One of the lessons I’ve had to learn in the past few years – and it was a hard fought lesson – was radical body acceptance, no matter my weight. The diet industry wants us to believe that we have to be thin in order to be acceptable, but 1) thin is not synonymous with healthy, and 2) beauty comes in all sizes. My body carried, birthed, and breastfed four humans. It’s climbed mountains and swam in the ocean and rode horses and played soccer and ran a 5K. My body is amazing! The number on the scale? That’s just a number. DISCLAIMER: I’m not suggesting I’m not going to take care of my body. On the contrary, I’m excited about having more movement in my life, and am looking forward to doing the run with Tegan. I like playing hard, eating nourishing foods (see item 2), and getting good sleep. There is no end goal, because health is a constantly moving and evolving thing, but if there was? It would be strength. It would be confidence. It would be endurance. Not whether or not I fit into size 6 jeans.

Trying to eat healthier – I’m going to pick on the diet industry again, but the word “healthy” is such a loaded word. What does it even mean? What’s healthy for one person could literally kill another. We have preferences and intolerances and allergies. What makes me feel light and energized might make you feel sluggish and weighed down. I’ve written about this before, but now more than ever, the moralizing of food is out of control. Hate and war are bad. A potato chip is just a potato chip. I’ve had the same food philosophy for a long time now, and it hasn’t served me wrong. I eat when I’m hungry and stop when I’m full. I make no food off-limits. I eat a variety of foods, and I eat foods that nourish me in mind, body, and soul (Nourishment, by the way, can come in the form of a salad or in a gooey chocolate chip cookie). I don’t look at food as good or bad but simply as choices. I listen to my body, I pay attention to how things make me feel, and I don’t berate myself for having a piece of cake. Sometimes needs are best met with an egg, and sometimes they’re best met with a handful of Skittles. They’re just choices. And if I happen to make a choice that disagrees? My body lets me know by getting cranky – in a variety of ways…. bodies are useful like that – and I make a different choice next time. Simple, and certainly not something to count, weigh, measure, or stress out over.

Trying to be happier – Off the bat, this sounds like an odd one (why would I not want to be happier??), but hear me out. First, for people with mental illness, you cannot just choose to be happy. You just can’t. They’re called mood disorders for a reason. Trying to just decide to be happy when you have a mood disorder is a lesson in frustration and futility. Meds, food, rest, and exercise can all help of course, but there’s no magic bullet. Beyond that though, much like with the black and white thinking of the diet industry, there is a black and white push for toxic positivity that tells us that we MUST be happy. But it’s not realistic. We were given a wide range of human emotions, and they’re all valid. Every one of them. I don’t want to try so hard to be happy that I deprive myself of the growth that comes from sadness, or the resilience that comes from heartbreak, or the resolve that comes from anger. Our emotions teach us things, lessons that we’ll never learn if we squash them down in an effort to be happy all the time. My caveat is this: I do believe in gratitude. I do believe in self care. I do believe in service to others. I do believe in love. I believe in looking for rainbows and ice cream with sprinkles and bubble baths after a long day. All of those things, when done well, will naturally lead to more happiness. Happiness is the fortunate byproduct, not the destination. Because don’t get me wrong, I want to be happy…. I just know it won’t always be the case. And that’s okay.

————————————————————————————————

So what then WOULD make my list, if I were to make one? Right now, it’d simply be this: To be me. To live loud, to work and play hard, to make mistakes, and to learn from them. And to know, in my heart of hearts, that that’s enough.