This morning on Facebook, I was called ableist, elitist, classist, and racist. In the interest of “When you know better, you do better,” I deleted the post that had prompted it, but I can’t stop thinking about it. It spoke to a larger issue that’s been on my mind the past couple of weeks, and helped some loose edges of a thought fall into place.
A week or two ago, I read a post about kids and water. The mom was encouraging other mothers to get their kids to drink water (as opposed to drinks such as juice and/or soda) and said that it was easy if you just led by example. Her kids, she said, have never had anything but water, and it was all because it’s what they’d been exposed to. Fair enough, I guess, but the way the post was worded felt steeped in judgement. I am not at all proud that that was my first thought. Because my very NEXT thought was, “Is this how I’ve come across for the past 15 years?” The thought was swift, and real, and visceral, and I’m not exaggerating when I say that I stopped just short of pulling down my blog altogether.
Judgmental is a complaint I’ve gotten a lot, along with sanctimonious, self-righteous, and holier-than-thou. I’ve worked hard at learning to share my own truth, and letting other people’s opinions of my words be just that: their opinions. But the thought is there now, and I can’t let it go:
What if they’re right?
What if I have been judgmental? What if my words have been unkind, unwarranted, or ungracious? Last year someone said that I wrote as if I thought I was better than everyone else. It wasn’t the first time someone had said that (and, if I continue to write, likely won’t be the last), but for some reason this time it cut extra deep. And when I had to see that person and smile and act normal and make conversation at our conference? It was one of the hardest face-to-face interactions I’ve ever had. It hurt.
I didn’t ever want to be afraid to voice opinions, but this year I’ve become afraid. I’ve deactivated my Facebook more times than I count because I’ve gotten my feelings hurt, because I haven’t been able to handle the backlash, because I just get so tired of saying the wrong thing. And some of it is just people looking to start conflict to be sure. Some of it is just people being, well, jerks. But…
What if they’re right?
As we close out this dumpster fire of a year, I’m finding myself questioning everything. I feel genuine remorse for the times I’ve missed the mark, for the times I have been judgmental, or arrogant, or elitist, or ableist. It was never my intention.
So what does this mean moving forward? Where do I go from here? What do I do with my writing? Do I hang up my hat? I don’t know. I really don’t. I’m discouraged, and I’m tired.
I have no neat and tidy way to wrap up this post. It was a brain dump in its purest form. And I don’t know if it’s because it’s the end of a hard year, or because I still have some seasonal depression going on, or because I once again got my feelings hurt on the internet, but damn. I am feeling all the feelings. And I am sad.
If you’re still reading, I’m sending peace, love, and best wishes for a calmer, healthier 2021.
I really hope you do continue writing and sharing your thoughts. I’ve never had kids but I still manage to get something out of every post I’ve read. Please don’t let Facebook jerks chase you away.
Sometimes when we hear a new message, a new way of thinking, it rankles something within us. And our first response is anger. This is a normal response as we struggle with a new belief. And that anger may strike out as a form of defense against this inner struggle. And I’m not saying it’s okay to strike at others. I am saying it may take the form of name calling and labeling someone as judgemental or holier-than-thou. Although it’s often hard to bear to be called names, it’s a sign that people are listening. That they’re wrestling with new ideas and beliefs. This is what leads to change. It’s often a messy and painful process but isn’t that what you hope will happen when you blog about the intolerance exhibited in the world? That people will learn and understand there is a more compassionate way to approach matters? Learning and changing happens when we are challenged by other people’s truths. So please keep writing your truths.
We are all still finding our way in this world of online interaction. For some reason, people feel free to say things they would never say face to face. It is brave to put yourself out there. Also, every person will see what you’ve written through their own, subjective lense, respond from their own perspective, and perhaps be triggered by their interpretation of your words. Their response belongs to them. I think the best we can do is look within ourselves to see if there is anything to learn from how people respond to us, and then try not to take it personally (easier said than done, of course). You are doing your best to communicate your own truth, and I enjoy reading your posts.
I’ve been following you for many years and I never ever thought any of your posts have sounded judgmental. You’re just sharing your way of doing things. If people feel judged, it’s surely more about them than about you.
Sometimes the brain dump is what you and the reader need most! It’s OK to feel all the feelings. Anyone who reads this post and thinks you’re judgemental because of it has some major issues of their own.
The other thing I’d like to point out is that your willingness to ask yourself the question means that you probably aren’t. Oh, sure, we all have something that we like to get on our high horse about, and none of us are perfect. But awareness of the pitfalls helps us avoid them.
It’s been a tough year all around. Everyone is tired. It’s OK to acknowledge that and take a break without giving up. Historically, winter is the time to rest, regroup, tell each other tales, play games. Once the fields are ready to plow, there will be no time. So follow that rhythm. If you’re body & mind need rest, rest. If an idea hits you, see where it leads.
Whatever you do or don’t do, be gentle with yourself. Your family needs you whole and healthy before you can be of help to them. Grace, peace, and hugs for the new year,
I love reading your posts. You have a different voice to lots of others out there, and that’s so important. I always appreciate your perspective, and also your courage in writing at all. I hardly share anything online, but over the years have agonized over things I’ve said to other people IRL that did not come across as intended, were hurtful or thoughtless. I think, though, that I remember these incidents far more vividly than the people in question. I hardly ever remember things people have said to me, and if I do I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe others are doing that for me (and you?). Now if something comes to mind that I regret I try to not feel too bad, to pray for that person and ask God to help me do better in the future.
Sorry English is not my first language but hope I can pass my message.
I can totally relate with your post. I write a blog in Portuguese and have a page on Facebook as well (Unschooling and Conscious parenting). This year I did not write anything and barely made a new post. I am 50 years old who had several different seasons in my life, who moved country twice by myself and who observe life a lot, a mean a looot, including reading and thinking on the things I read. I also has been called judgmental in subtle ways. Recently I don’t know what to say or “believe”. I grow up believing in write and wrong, good and bad but now I think everything is subjective and has a much bigger picture than I can see or ever will understand. However I think it is important that you (and whoever likes writing) keep writing your thoughts, point of view or experience so we all have an opportunity to reflex and have a flicker of understanding of people’s mind ( I don’t believe we can completely understand them)..Maybe my comment has nothing to do with what you mean lol… anyway Have a peaceful, healthy and blessed 2021!
I love your writing and your heart.
Isn’t it ironic how judgmentally people tend to confidently chastise others for being judgmental?
Here’s to a happy new year.