Last week, Demi Lovato posted a video on their Instagram, in which they came out as nonbinary, and stated that they would be using the pronouns they/them.

The internet definitely had opinions. This is mine.

First, I think it’s useful to talk about the word “nonbinary” and what it even means. This is my own clumsy definition, but please! feel free to correct me if I haven’t gotten it exactly right. To be nonbinary (when it comes to gender) is to feel that you don’t fit into the traditional boxes of “male” or “female”, but rather into something that is more fluid…. whether that means something in between, something entirely different, or something that vacillates between the two. I don’t know how it feels to be nonbinary, because I’ve never felt anything other than female. I’ve always been on the “tomboy” side of female, but a female nonetheless.

Here’s the thing though. I don’t have to understand in order to be respectful of someone else. It literally costs me nothing to give someone else the gift of being seen, of being heard, of being valued for who they are, and not unfairly and incorrectly being put into a box of my own choosing. Calling someone they/them? It’s a small ask with a huge impact.

A lot of people want to argue that they and them make no sense because they are plural*, and an individual person is singular. Full confession: I used to be one of them. I did my best to use it if it was requested, but the grammar snob in me bristled.

I got over it.

We use they/them pronouns in the singular all the time. (ie: “Someone left their cell phone on the table.”) Second, even if they usually are used plurally, so what? Language evolves, words evolve, LIFE evolves. I see people fretting about “what’s happening to the world today”, but this is not something new. Nonbinary people have always existed. It’s just that they’ve only recently been given a voice, and a way to express themselves to the world. And how can that be anything but a good thing?

We all want to be accepted for who we are. Using someone’s correct and preferred pronouns is a simple step to take to start making that happen.

But why should we change what we call Demi Lovato? They’re never going to hear us talking about them, so what does it matter? Yes, Demi Lovato is never going to hear me talking about them. Demi Lovato is not going to read this blog post and give me points for getting it right. But it matters. If for no other reason, because while it’s Demi Lovato today, it might very well be someone who can hear you next time. It might be your sibling, or your friend, or your neighbor, or your mail carrier. I found out just a few days ago that a good friend of mine accepted she/her, but that they preferred they/them. I’d had no idea. Now that I know, I can do better.

And it feels hard sometimes, right? As humans, we get used to things. We get set in our ways. Our verbiage becomes habitual. But it’s worth the effort. People are always worth the effort. Although it might take some getting used to (and some getting it wrong and having to correct yourself), at the end of the day it is a simple thing to do to make someone feel more visible, and more respected.

I don’t know why people are upset about Demi Lovato, I really don’t. Demi Lovato and Sam Smith and other nonbinary and/or gender fluid celebrities just want what the rest of us want:

To be seen.

To be heard.

To be accepted for who we are and how we show up in the world.

Using correct pronouns won’t achieve that on its own, but it’s a damn good place to start.

*(xe, ze, sie, co, and ey are a few singular pronouns that some nonbinary people use, but I don’t personally know anyone who uses them.)