The pursuit of thinness is all around us. Whether it’s you, or a friend, or a loved one, or a coworker, or a random connection on Facebook, right now you likely know several people who are trying to lose weight. As a society, we love weight loss. We live for weight loss. People are heaped with praise as they lose. I am on a Facebook group for my gym, and recently saw before and after pictures from someone’s weight loss journey. She was very proud to have dieted and exercised her way from a size six to a size zero, and she was universally lauded in the comments. It’s as if the thinner you get, the better. While everyone has full autonomy to do what they’d like with their bodies, weight loss is not something I celebrate (Note: It’s not something I denigrate either) Here are a few reasons why:

Smaller bodies aren’t inherently better than bigger bodies

I know. Society tells us otherwise, but body sizes are neutral. Smaller is not “better.” People are meant to come in different shapes and sizes. Complimenting weight loss implies that there was something wrong with their larger body, and that they’re now improved in some way. People like to argue that smaller bodies are healthier bodies, and while certain individuals may improve certain conditions with weight loss, you have no way of knowing someone’s health status just by looking at them. Unless you have access to their medical records and bloodwork, you can’t make assumptions about a person’s health by seeing their body. If you could, all large people would be unhealthy, and all small people would be healthy. That’s simply not the case. Larger people can be healthy. Smaller people can be unhealthy. There is no “better” when it comes to body size.

I may not be complimenting what I think I’m complimenting

This is perhaps one of the biggest reasons I don’t default to compliments. We usually have no way of knowing how or why someone lost weight. I know far too many people who lost or are maintaining weight loss through starvation or other disordered behaviors. They should be given empathy and compassion to be sure, but not praise. Weight loss can come from a calorie deficit, but it can also come from:

Illness

Grief

Depression

Anxiety

Stress

Disordered behaviors or eating disorders

What exactly are we doing when we praise weight loss in these situations? “Sorry you’re grieving, but hey! At least you lost weight.” I recently saw a post from a blogger I follow. She posted a selfie and acknowledged that she’d lost weight due to grief and stress. She’d recently experienced a death in the family, and was going through a difficult divorce. Most comments were kind and supportive, but one man said simply, “You look great! Keep it up!” Trauma, in any of its forms, is not something to celebrate.

It’s likely temporary

There are zero randomized control studies that show a sustained weight loss beyond two years after a diet. Yes, there are exceptions, but the vast majority of people will gain back the weight they lost. Diets don’t work. Weight fluctuates, especially when you get on a cycle of yo-yo dieting. I don’t like to think of people getting heaped with praise when they lose weight, then met with… silence… when they gain it back. As though their smaller body was better and praise-worthy, while their larger body is something to be ashamed of (see point number one).

We shouldn’t be commenting on bodies at all

Just as a general, blanket statement: We should all stop commenting on people’s bodies, even when we think we’re being complimentary. First, bodies are all different, and are meant to be different. Even if you and I did the exact same workouts and ate the exact same foods, you’d never have a body like mine, and I’d never have a body like yours. Bodies are meant to be different. Second, we have no idea what kind of insecurities and feelings someone has about their body and the way it looks. Judgemental and unkind comments obviously hurt, but innocent and well-intentioned comments can hurt too. They can also trigger or encourage unhealthy behaviors, and further things such as eating disorders. Finally, bodies are superficial. They say literally nothing about who we are as people. The safest, and kindest, option is to stop. Stop commenting when someone is thin. Stop commenting when someone is fat. Big boobs, small boobs, tall, short. Just stop.

There are far more interesting things to compliment

Weight is boring. I would much rather tell you how kind you are, or how funny, or smart, or strong. Those are the things that matter. I want to tell you that you’re a good friend, or an amazing mother, or a talented artist. If we absolutely must compliment appearances, what about the great new haircut, or the pretty manicure, or the new dress with pockets.

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I want people to be healthy and happy. I want people to be healthy and happy so much that I’m going to school to learn how to help people to do exactly that (a Health Sciences degree, following a Psychology degree). Does weight loss automatically = health and happiness? No. But being a healthy weight for YOU, one that makes you comfortable and strong, able to live the life you want to live, and do the things you want to do, goes a long way.

And that looks different for everyone.