I recently read a Facebook post by what I’m assuming is a young mom, tired and frustrated, looking for suggestions on how to get her kids to listen. She said she was at her wit’s end, and that every interaction with her children was ending with her “screaming like a psychopath” until they did what she wanted them to do.

99% of the comments were invariably the same, and were some iteration of this:

Punishment. And if that doesn’t work, more punishment. And if it STILL doesn’t work… more punishment. The mom answered that she had tried punishment, and more punishment, and that it always ended with her yelling. Believe me when I say my heart goes out to this mom. I didn’t respond to the post (mostly selfishly, because I’ve really been getting my feelings hurt on Facebook as of late), but if I did, I would have said this:

It’s so hard. Anyone who says that parenting isn’t hard sometimes is either not doing it right, or lying. Parenting is a relationship, and like any relationship it takes work. And don’t get me wrong. My relationship with my kids is the single most beautiful and rewarding thing in my life by far. By far. But we’re humans, not robots, so there are hills and valleys. Bumps along the way. Sometimes there are problems that we don’t know how to solve.

But punishment is not the answer.

For one thing, as this mom has seen, punishment doesn’t work. If it did, the behavior would be fixed, and punishment would no longer be needed. There wouldn’t be kids who were continually spanked, or put in time out, or perpetually grounded. They would “learn their lesson” the first time. At best, punishment can curb a behavior temporarily, because it feels unpleasant, or because of shame, embarrassment, or fear of it happening again. Once the moment is over though, it’s back to business as usual. It doesn’t actually teach anything.

That’s not why I don’t punish though. My relationship with my kids is not transactional. I don’t input a certain stimulus, expect a certain response, and wait to see if it “works.” Relationships are far more nuanced than that. And our kids are people, not computers to program.

The reason I don’t punish is that it literally does the opposite of what I (and I would imagine, most parents) want from my relationship with my kids. It drives a wedge. It brings you further apart instead of closer together. It erodes trust. It creates fear, anger, and resentment…. not things I want to purposely bring to any relationship that’s as important as the one I share with my kids.

So does that mean I ignore behavior that’s unsafe/unkind/generally problematic? No. It means I lean in. It means I 1) take the time to figure out what’s going on. Behavior doesn’t exist in a vacuum. What is the “why”? Once you have a why, you can work on solutions. And 2) Connect. Engage. Listen. Empathize. Treat them how I’d like to be treated myself. Take them by the hand and show them through my actions how things can be different.

Punishment is something you do TO your kids. Healthy discipline is solving a problem with your kids.

I want my kids, of all ages, to feel comfortable coming to me when they have a problem or make a mistake. I want them to trust that I will help them and support them, without criticism and without judgement. I want them to trust that I’m a safe space to fall.

And that trust that I’m looking for will never, ever come from punishment.