I recently read an article titled, Pediatrician Shares No. 1 Secret to Raising Happy, Successful Kids. Even though my kids are grown, or nearly grown, I still like to read other people’s takes on parenting. So I gave it a whirl. Read it if you’d like, but a major spoiler is incoming.
His secret?
Chores.
Huh. I wasn’t expecting that, I’ll give him that. And I don’t have any super strong feelings about it either. Chores are… neutral to me. I’ve never required my kids to do chores, but they all do them, simply because it’s part of life. Want clean dishes to eat off of? You’ll have to wash them. Want fresh clothes? You’ll need to throw in a load of laundry. Want to keep your kitchen hygienic and free of bugs? The trash has to go outside. I do the majority of the inside chores, mainly because I tend to have the most time, and Mike takes care of the yard work. If we need or want help? We ask. No more simple nor complicated than that. It’s just chores.
What the article did do though was get me to thinking about what my own answer would be. If someone asked me what my biggest parenting tip was, what would I say? My first thought was respect, followed by treating them how I’d like to be treated. But even those were more specific than what I wanted (and speaking of specific, I think that was biggest head scratching factor of the chores for me. Of allll the things to say, chores are just so oddly specific. But I digress.)
I finally decided when I boiled it all down that the ONE place I would start is this:
I treat them like people.
Which, if you’re like me, might sound really silly. Of COURSE they’re people. What else would they be? It really shouldn’t be a radical thought. But unfortunately there is a (rather disturbingly) large segment of society that very much does NOT treat children like people. What do they treat them as then?
Objects, existing to serve some purpose to the adults.
Dogs, to be trained.
Computers, to be programmed.
Lesser beings in general.
But they are people, from the moment they are born. Yes, they are still growing and learning and discovering how the world works, but they are people. Yes, they may stumble and fall and need more assistance at various points in their life, but they are people. Yes, they will look to us for guidance on sense of sense, relationships, how to navigate the intricacies of navigating life with other beings, but THEY ARE STILL PEOPLE. Right now, at whatever age they’re at.
They are people, deserving of respect and dignity and a sense of autonomy. They deserve to know what it’s like to love and be loved. They deserve to live out loud… to think, feel, and express themselves the way they feel is best.
When we begin by looking at our kids for what they are: fellow humans trying their best to do the human thing, everything else tends to fall in line. They have their own unique wants, their own needs, their own goals, their own dreams, their own personalities, their own strengths, their own insecurities, their own interests, their own preferences, their own idiosyncrasies. The list goes on. And our job as parents isn’t to squash all of that into a perfect kid-shaped box, but to nurture and embrace it. To let them be exactly who they are, with no qualifiers and no apologies. THEY get to choose the shape of the box.
When you hold a fellow human in high esteem (which I would certainly hope would be the case for your children) you naturally treat them well. You treat them in ways I mentioned up above. With respect. In the manner that you want to be treated. You help them. You support them. You listen to them. You offer them true companionship and honest advice. You’re their biggest cheerleader, and their gentlest critic. You help them be the best human they can be. And that is true regardless of their age. I am 49, and I’m still learning about being a better human from the people I trust and admire, and I know that it is no different for my kids.
So the secret to raising kids that are happy? Successful? Respectful? Kind? Recognizing their humanness. And responding accordingly.
