And to be clear, if you don’t want to watch Dora for whatever reason, that’s cool. What’s not cool is shutting down an entire conversation with what amounts to nothing more than fear mongering. Life is not black and white. It pains me that I have to say it, but there are many many beautiful shades of gray in between children’s television and porn.
I’ve been thinking of those old forums lately because of the reaction I got when I shared the above meme. It reads:
“Question for parents… If a partner or friend treated you like you treat your child, would you continue that relationship? This includes communication, emotional health, and your overall behavior/demeanor.”
Most people who commented saw it for what it was: a reminder to treat your children the same way you’d want to be treated yourself; to give them the same tender respect and care that you’d give to anyone that you loved. A few took issue with it though, arguing that since they were not dating their children it was an unfair analogy. And invariably came the argument that I have come to expect every time gentle parenting is brought up: We have to MAKE kids do certain things (usually with the threat of punishment). How else will they learn to stay out of the street??
It’s honestly a strange leap to make, and a tired retort. Of all the things my kids have learned over the years, learning to stay away from 4,000 pounds of moving metal was one of the easiest… no punishment necessary. We held their hands when they were little, talked about looking both ways, showed them what it looked like to be safe around the street. Etc.
“But what if they just RUN into the street? What then? You wouldn’t treat them the same way you’d treat your spouse.”
Again, the leap is weird, but if it happened (I honestly can’t remember it ever happening), I would treat my kids the exact way I’d treat my husband if he was about to do something dangerous. I would shout their name to get their attention. I would alert them to the danger – using as few words as possible – and, if need be, I would take hold of an arm and/or otherwise try to remove them from the danger.
Kids are human, and just like their adult counterparts, they respond to being treated like humans.
But running into traffic is an extreme example, and not really applicable to day-to-to day situations. There is far too much “either/or” thinking when it comes to parenting. Ie: You have to force/scold/punish, or they will end up playing in traffic. This kind of thinking is unhelpful and disengenuous. The truth is that parenting is a relationship, and like any relationship it requires a dance of communication, listening – lots and lots of listening – and mutual respect. It requires understanding. It requires putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, seeing the situation through their eyes, and coming up with a solution together. Yes, obviously, if they are in mortal danger you would intervene, but wouldn’t that be true of anyone you loved? In most cases, you don’t have to immediately spring into action. You can stop…breathe…assess. You can choose from a myriad of options that are kind to you, AND kind to your child. Parenting is not/either or. It is not black and white. Parenting, much like life, is full of color, shades, and nuance.
The only caveat is that you have to be open enough to see it.
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