It’s happened again.  A parenting article gone viral, one that has the mainstream masses rising from their seats in raucous applause…. and the rest of us shaking our collective heads.  In the article 5 Reasons Modern-Day Parenting is in Crisis, a nanny (I think that’s important to note. She’s writing it as a nanny, not as a mother) outlines what she believes to be the five worst mistakes being made by us modern parents.   It’s a crisis, she tells us.

Well, she and I do agree on one thing.   There’s a problem with parenting today.  But I believe it’s very much the opposite of the one she describes in her article.   These are her five main points, and how I would re-write them.

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1. She says: A fear of our children. I say: A fear of loving or giving our children too much 

People are so afraid of this myth of the spoiled child, that they’re failing to look at this rationally. Our children are people, deserving of the same kindness, consideration, and respect that we’d give anyone else whom we loved. She outlines the example of a child upset because she wanted her milk in a different colored cup.   She says, “Let her have a tantrum, and remove yourself so you don’t have to hear it. But for goodness’ sake, don’t make extra work for yourself just to please her”  My first thought would be to simply ask what cup the child would like before you poured it, but beyond that:  why shouldn’t the child be able to request a certain cup, and why on earth would you deny a request for something so simple?  Just because you can?  Parenting shouldn’t be about power plays and control.  It should be a partnership.  A dance.  With respect and consideration going both ways. Imagine you had a special house guest.  Without knowing his preferences, you hand him an ice cold Coke.  If he politely asks you for a glass of water instead, would you refuse to give it to him in order to teach him a lesson? Of course not.  You’d simply get him the water.  Shouldn’t our children be treated with at least as much care as we’d give a guest in our home?

At one point in the cup scenario, the author says, “mum’s face whitens and she rushes to get the preferred sippy cup before the child has a tantrum.”   And absolutely, you shouldn’t do things for your children out of fear.    But you should do things for them because you love them.  Because you should give, and give freely, just like you’d do for any other person in your life whom you love.   And finally, a child’s life is so full of decisions that are made for them.  If we want our children to be good decision makers, they have to make decisions!  We need to empower them by letting them make as many decisions as they can….. especially when it comes to something as easy to grant as a blue sippy cup.

2.  She says:  A lowered bar.  I say:  An expectation that children should act like miniature adults.  

Oftentimes, I see people expecting children to act even better than adults.   They’re not allowed to question, they’re not allowed to express displeasure, they’re not allowed to make noise.  They’re not allowed to act like children.  In short, they’re not allowed to be human.  You guys, we’re raising PEOPLE here, not training monkeys. They are young people who are still growing, still maturing, still figuring out how things work.   The author worries about kids learning manners, how to clean up after themselves, and how to wait patiently at a restaurant. And your child WILL learn those things if you expose him!  He will learn good manners when he sees you, yourself, consistently displaying them to the people around him.   He will learn to clean up after himself when he sees you, yourself, consistently cleaning your own messes. He will learn to wait patiently at a restaurant when he sees you, yourself, consistently waiting patiently.  In the meantime, help him navigate!   Use “please” and “thank you” if that’s important to you, but don’t chastise him if he forgets.  Let him help wipe up the spilled milk, but don’t critique his work.   Model appropriate behavior at the restaurant, but order his food early, color with him on his kids’ menu, and commiserate with him that waiting is sometimes hard.   Expect great things from your children, yes.  But don’t expect them to behave like full-grown adults when they’re 3.

3.  She says:  We’ve lost the village.  I say:  We’ve lost a *healthy* village

I don’t entirely disagree on this point.   But where the author and I part company on this issue is how we view “the village.”  I think community is incredibly important, but not in the negative fashion that she describes.  She bemoans, “it used to be that bus drivers, teachers, shopkeepers and other parents had carte blanche to correct an unruly child.”   She talks about the need of other authority figures to “correct” (ie: punish) someone else’s child, and that is not something I can rally around.  More adults to befriend children, to talk to children, to take children under their wing, to mentor them, to treat them like people?  Absolutely!   My uncle recently moved from the east coast to retire in Arizona, and it’s neat to watch the relationship he’s formed with Spencer (17 at the time of this writing)  They both love engines, and machines, and figuring out how stuff works, and have bonded over their shared interest. Family and friends who are supportive in this way are invaluable, to be sure, and it is no small thing to have a network of people who enrich your life and the lives of your children through friendship, and through kindness and compassion…. NOT through “carte blanche to correct your unruly child.”

4. She says:  A reliance on short cuts.  I say:  A reliance on the way things have always been done

This was a strange one.  She starts out by chastising the parent who uses technology to keep a child busy while waiting at a restaurant (Caillou, by the way, is spelled C-A-I-L-L-O-U) but quickly moves in to advising parents to let their babies “self-soothe”, and not to help their toddler who’s raising his arms to be picked up after he falls. Modern technology is its own issue, and for the record I find nothing wrong with letting a child quietly watch something on a phone or tablet when he’s waiting for something.   But far more concerning to me is this idea of being a hands-off parent.  Yes, your parents probably left you to cry-it-out.  Yes, lots of parenting books still advocate “sleep training” and “self-soothing.”  Yes, many parents will tell you you’ll “spoil” your child if you respond to them too often.   But what does your  instinct tell you?  Do you listen to it? Instinct tells us to go to our children when they cry.  Instinct tells us to pick them up when they want our assistance.  Instinct tells us to comfort them, to love them, to be there for them.  It tells us to pick them up when they cry.  The first time and the thousandth time.   Babies NEED their parents.  They need touch.  They need connection.  They need to be heard.    Parents fear that if they hold their children too much that they will never separate, but it doesn’t work that way.  A need that is met breeds confidence and self-assurance and feelings of wholeness.   A need that is not met never really goes away…. it just resurfaces later in some other form.   Don’t rely on “baby training” because a book or your mother or that internet celebrity tells you that’s the way it’s always been done.  Your child is a person, and she needs you.

5. She says:  Parents putting their kids’ needs ahead of their own.  I say:   Parents putting their own needs ahead of their kids.  

None of your children asked to be born.  Let me just start there.  Children come into our lives as our invited guests.  It makes no logical sense to me to invite these little people (with big needs) into our lives only to then expect to go about business as usual, expect to continue putting ourselves first, expect them to conform and compromise and go without according to our own desires.   Your life changes the moment you bring a child into the world, and it should! Particularly when they are very little, your kids’ needs should come first.    And before I’m accused of it, I’m not suggesting martyrdom here.  YES, make self-care a priority. It’s important. But it should never come at the expense of your child.

The author gives the following examples of “mistakes” parents are making in this area:  “Often I see mums get up from bed again and again to fulfill the whims of their child. Or dads drop everything to run across the zoo to get their daughter a drink because she’s thirsty. ”  I’m not a fan of the negative-sounding “whims”, but if your child has a need at night, help them meet it! And if your child is thirsty at the zoo, for heavens sake…. get her a drink!   I think we’ve lost sight of “doing unto others” in the name of not spoiling our children, and THAT is the real problem with parenting today.  Not giving too much.  Not the lack of a village. Not picking them up when they cry.   We’ve forgotten that children are people – cherished people, deeply loved people – and that they are deserving of all we can possibly give them.

And finally, the author closes in part by saying, “So please, parents and caregivers from London to Los Angeles, and all over the world, ask more. Expect more. Share your struggles. Give less. ” Every time I’ve read this article those words, “give less” haunt me.  Give less?  No. No, no, no.  We need to give more.  More to the people around us, more to our children, more to ourselves.  We need to give freely.  Abundantly.  Selflessly.   We need to give of our hearts, our time, our attention.  Yes, we need to give more.

And when we lovingly give to our children, they in turn, will become adults who give to the people around them.

 

 

Ah, the negative parenting meme.  Reinforcing stereotypes, giving in to the myth of the “spoiled child”, and keeping parents stuck in a cycle of further disconnect from their children.

It doesn’t have to be that way.  Parenting can be positive.  Joyful.  It can come from an open place of love, not from a place of fear.

With that in mind, I took the liberty of making a few small changes:

 

“Giving our children everything they want as much as we can…. of our time, our attention, and the people, places, and things that make their lives fun, interesting, and colorful makes them demanding feel valued and ungrateful loved. It creates a feeling of abundance for both parent and child.  And they in turn never learn how to be self-controlled generous, and how to give freely of themselves to others, and in the future, to their own children.  Think about this the next time you give in to a screaming child. a knee-jerk “no” to your child’s request.“

 

As parents we’re so often bombarded with the message of, “Your kids need to hear the word, “no!”” Well, I’m choosing differently. When it’s at all possible (and it is so very often possible) I’m saying “YES” … with no excuses, strings, or apologies.

I have been thinking about this for a few days now, ever since I shared a post about the family that was given a “well-behaved child” discount on their restaurant bill.   I was not a fan of the idea, for a variety of reasons (and for the record, all four of my kids are and have always been a joy at restaurants) but opinions were mixed when we discussed it on Facebook.   One common pattern that I saw emerge was that people in favor of the discount generally thought that it promoted/encouraged/rewarded “good parenting.”

That doesn’t sit right with me.

For one thing, I don’t judge my parenting based on how “well-behaved” my children are.  What does well-behaved even mean?  More than that though, is the fact that I have friends who are amazing parents, whose children (again, for a variety of reasons) are not what society at large would deem “well-behaved.”  And let’s just be honest for a minute:  It’s easy to parent when kids are being sweet and compliant.  It’s during the tough moments that we see what kind of parents we are.

So then I started thinking… maybe that’s how you spot a good parent…. how they react and respond and interact with their children when they’re having a hard time.  I quickly rejected that as well though, because lots of great parents (re:  ALL great parents) have had moments with their kids that they wish they could do over, moments that they’ve lost their cool, or lost their patience.  Moments that they need to apologize for.

Then I thought:  a good parent is an imperfect parent.  A parent who is real.  A parent who realizes and admits that she makes mistakes and vows to do better.  A parent who isn’t afraid to learn better ways.  A parent who loves her child unconditionally and without question.  A parent who isn’t about trying to mold her child into something of her own choosing, but someone who accepts and supports and embraces who that child is RIGHT NOW.   A parent who realizes that a child is not a second class citizen but a person, worthy and deserving of the same gentleness, kindness and respect that you would give to any other loved one.

But a good parent is all of that and so.  much.  more.

So I asked the question, “What is your definition of a good parent”? on my Facebook page, and I was not disappointed with your responses.  I am sure that every single blogger says this, but I seriously have the best people reading my page!    I had a difficult time narrowing it down, but these were some of my favorites.  I agree with every single one of these beautiful definitions (not one of which includes the manner in which your children conduct themselves at IHOP ;)):

 

A parent who not only allows but encourages and assists a child in being exactly who they want and need to be, and then loves that person unconditionally. ~ Lisa J

Someone who is not afraid to learn. From their children. From their failures. From their past. From those around them… ~ Alysha B

Someone whose priority is to really hear their child, to support them in getting their needs met and supporting them in their passions. ~ Sylvia T

Embracing our children for exactly who they are and where they are developmentally. ~ Ashley K

Allowing them to be who THEY ARE, not what a parent wants them to be. I have no need to be a puppeteer. I learn as much from them as they do from me. ~ Heidi S

Responsive, respectful, connected, loving ~ Fiona C

Allowing each child to just BE, celebrating them and knowing their perfection in each moment. ~ Lisa H

Being a good parent is…. Knowing I don’t have to strive for perfection! ~ Amie M

A good parent is one whose children feel wanted and secure, know that they are free to be themselves, have a safe place from which to explore, and know real love from the example they are taught. ~ Heather G

Being willing to figuratively (and literally, if needed) lay down my life for my child. ~ Paula G

Someone who is committed to constantly learning and growing for and with their children. Someone who can take a hard, honest look at themselves and choose to model what they want to see in their kids. Someone who give grace to their kids and themselves. ~ Rachel C

Treating your children as you would like to be treated. ~ On The Train With Sophie

Ahhhhh.

Thank you, for being such honest, real, and yes…. GOOD parents.  You all inspire me, and encourage me to do better.

 

 

People often send me parenting articles that they come across on the internet, wanting to know my take on them.  This one (titled How (and why) to be the meanest mom in the world) landed in my inbox just last night, and I knew immediately I’d have to write about it. First, it’s a list.  I’m a sucker for lists, and a list I can refute point by point?  That makes me all kinds of giddy.  More than that though, is the nerve that this idea strikes in my heart…. this pernicious and widespread belief that what kids need more of is meanness, and control, and “tough love.”   I think they need very much the opposite.  What kids need is connection with their parents.

It also bothers me to see, again and again, parents being told that kids need to be MADE to do the right thing, FORCED to make good decisions, and TOLD to behave in a certain way.  Is this how little we think of our kids?That they wouldn’t possibly do those things on their own unless there was coercion of some sort?

And I get it.  I do.  The post was written slightly tongue-in-cheek, and I’m sure that the mom who wrote it is not actually “mean” to her kids.  I’m also sure that, like me, she loves her kids, and only wants the best for them.

But that’s where the similarity ends.   Because just as I never uses phrases like “pick my battles” with my kids (my children and I are partners, not adversaries) I also never want to gauge my parenting skill set on how “mean” I’m being.   Words matter.  Intentions matter.

And so ….  kindness.  When in doubt, I always try to choose kindness.

What follows is her “how to be mean” list, and how I would re-write it with kindness in mind.

One last note before I get to the list though.  The intro to her article says this:

 

When your kids tell you you’re mean, take it as a compliment. The rising generation have been called the laziest, rudest, most entitled kids in history. Don’t give up. They may think you’re mean now, but they’ll thank you later.

 

This is not something new.  Every generation has called the one rising up behind them the laziest, rudest, most entitled kids in history.  Every generation has shaken their collective heads and lamented “the problem with kids these days.” This has been going on forever.  So I don’t believe for a second this idea that this particular generation is worse in some way than the ones that came before it.  But even if it was?  The answer is kindness and compassion…. not a renewed effort to be more “mean.”

 

1. Make your kids go to bed at a reasonable time.  Is there really anyone who hasn’t heard how important a good night’s rest is to a child’s success? Be the parent and put your kid to bed.

 

My version:  Help your kids learn to respect their bodies’ cues for tiredness (as well as hunger, thirst, etc) and make your home and their environment one that’s conducive to rest.   A good night’s rest IS important. This much is true.  But what that looks like is different for each child, just as it is for each adult.  Is “making” your child go to bed before he/she is ready, and possibly turning it into a point of contention, going to instill in them a healthy relationship with sleep in the future?  Sleep should be something pleasant, something that’s looked forward to at the end of the day… not something to be put into your “mean” arsenal. Work with your child on this, not against him.  As homeschoolers, we’re fortunate in that we can accommodate everyone’s sleep schedule’s, even if they’re not conventional.  But even in families where kids go to school, sleep can – and should! – be approached kindly, respectfully, and keeping each individual’s unique needs in mind.

 

 

2. Don’t give your kids dessert every day. Sweets should be saved for special occasions. That’s what makes them a “treat.” If you give in to your child’s demands for goodies all the time, he won’t appreciate the gesture when someone offers a sweet gift or reward.

 

My version:  Enjoy your desserts, whenever you may have them.  Food should not be an area of contention either.  It makes me nervous (both as a gentle parent and as a nutritional consultant) when I see people making rules about when/why/how often certain foods should be eaten.  It’s a good way to set up a lifelong unhealthy and unbalanced relationship with food.   A cookie’s just a cookie.  We don’t have dessert every day, but not because of any house rules against it.  We just don’t want it every day.  And when we do want it?  We have it, even if we just had it the night before.  If we’re craving brownies, we bake some.  If we want ice cream, we go out and get it.  If one of my kids asked to go to the dollar store for some Red Vines, I’d drive them.  Most of our daily diet consists of things like fish, fresh fruit, veggies, nuts and yogurt.  I’m certainly not going to stress out over some sweets.  As for “giving in to “demands””?  There’s no “demanding” going on here.  Requests occasionally?  Sure.  And their requests are as respected as mine and my husband’s.  And yes, they still very much appreciate the gesture when someone offers a gift… a sweet one or otherwise.

 

3. Make them pay for their own stuff. If you want something, you have to pay for it. That’s the way adult life works.

 

My version:  Empower them and help them pay for their own stuff.   Again with the word, “make.”  This is the second of five times that she uses that phrase, “Make them…”  Kids don’t need to be made to spend or save their own money in order to learn about it.  All four of our kids get some money every other week, on payday.  It’s theirs, to save or spend as they see fit.  We buy them things that they’re wanting or needing as we are able, but they love knowing that they can buy their own things as well, whether it’s a $1.50 soda from the drug store, or a pair of $60 headphones for their computer.  All four of them have healthy relationships with money, enjoy both saving and spending, and take pride of ownership in the things that they’ve purchased on their own.

 

4. Don’t pull strings. Some kids get a rude awakening when they get a job and realize that the rules actually do apply to them.

 

My version:  When faced with a difficult or less than ideal situation, model for your children the best ways to handle it.    I have to admit, I found this one a little…. odd.  Adults pull strings and use contacts for themselves all the time, and the ones that I know are pretty darn proud of it too.  But if it’s not something you want for your child, don’t do it yourself.  As for whether or not it’s the right or wrong thing to do?  I guess it would depend on the person and the circumstance.   I do know this though:  If I’m ever put in a position of being able to help my kids, or purposely stay out of it for no other reason than to “teach them a lesson”, I will help them.  Every time. If they’re not doing something that’s damaging to themselves or others, I’m on their side.

 

5. Make them do hard things. Don’t automatically step-in and take over when things get hard. Nothing gives your kids a bigger self-confidence boost than sticking to it and accomplishing something difficult.

 

My version:  Encourage and support them when they’re faced with hard things.   Sticking with something and accomplishing a personal goal are powerful things indeed.  But again, kids don’t need to be “made” to do them. Confident and well-adjusted kids do hard things all on our their own… when it is important to them.  Our job as parents is to encourage them and cheer them on, and let them see us determinedly pursuing our own goals as well.

 

6. Give them a watch and an alarm clock. Your child will be better off if he learns the responsibility of managing his own time. You’re not always going to be there to remind her to turn off the TV and get ready to go.

 

My version:  Give them a watch and an alarm clock.  Sure, why not?  They’re useful tools when kids are wanting and able to learn to use them.  They are not, however, behavior modification tools.   Both my older boys have started using alarms for various reasons, all on their own… whether they want to adjust their sleep schedules, get up at a certain time because they need to be somewhere, or meet a friend for a Skype or Minecraft date.

 

7. Don’t always buy the latest and greatest. Teach your children gratitude for, and satisfaction with, the things they have. Always worrying about the next big thing and who already has it will lead to a lifetime of debt and unhappiness.

 

My version:  To this one, I would only add…. if you can’t afford it.  Living to simply “keep up with Joneses” is a sad (and futile) way to live for sure.  There’s always going to be someone with more.  And going into debt to get the next best thing is most definitely not a legacy you want to pass down to your children.  But your own attitude towards money and possessions and “stuff”, and your own gratitude and appreciation for what you have is going to make a far bigger impact on your kids than what you do or do not have in the way of belongings.

 

8. Let them feel loss. If your child breaks a toy, don’t replace it. He’ll learn a valuable lesson about taking care of his stuff.

 

My version:  When your child feels loss, commiserate with him.  My very first thought upon reading this one was, “As a parent, do you not replace your things when they break?”  Accidents happen.  I know first hand the sadness and frustration when a treasured item is broken or ruined, whether it was due to carelessness or just plain rotten luck.   It feels terrible!  When it’s happened to me as an adult, I’ve replaced the item when I was financially able, and took even greater care with the new one.  I give my kids the same consideration.  The lesson doesn’t lie in deliberately depriving him of replacing it…. the lesson happened as soon as it broke.

 

9. Control media. If all the other parents let their child jump off a bridge, would you? Don’t let your kids watch a show or play a video game that is inappropriate for children just because all their friends have done it.

 

My version:  Make informed and conscientious decisions for and with your children.   I would never do or not do something based on what other parents are doing.  The author and I agree on that point completely.  But all kids are different.  All families are different.  What might be “inappropriate” for one child could be totally benign to another.

 

10. Make them apologize. If your child does something wrong, make her fess up and face the consequences. Don’t brush rudeness, bullying or dishonesty under the rug.

 

My version:  Apologize.  You know how kids learn to sincerely apologize?  When someone they love and looks up to sincerely apologizes.  You know how kids learn not to be rude,  bullying, or dishonest? When they have parents who don’t display things such as rudeness, bullying, and dishonesty.

 

11. Mind their manners. Even small children can learn the basics of how to treat another human with respect and dignity.

 

My version:  Mind YOUR manners.   Say please and thank you.  Say excuse me.  Apologize when it’s warranted. Be kind and polite to strangers and family members alike.  Treat others with respect.   Children who live among people with good manners, LEARN good manners.

 

12. Make them work — for free. Whether it’s helping Grandma in the garden or volunteering to tutor younger kids, make service a part of your child’s life.

 

Oh, this makes me sad.  My version:  Show them what service to others looks like.  If you want your children to develop a spirit of giving (and I want that for my kids too!)  LIVE it.  Let them help you help others.  Do kind things for them and with them.  Look for ways to bless other people.  If you make it a way of life, they will learn it.  If you make them work for others, you deny them the opportunity to do it of their own volition.

And if there’s one thing that I’ve learned from my kids, it’s that they have huge, huge hearts.   Sometimes we get – and need! – to just stand back and watch them use them.