Category Archives: perspective

Kind People in Red Shirts

We recently started going back to church, after many many logical, sensible, well-thought-out reasons excuses kept us away for many months. I really love this church. And I’ve realized that it’s not because of the great music or the pretty campus or even the inspiring messages. It’s not because I leave feeling all warm and fuzzy every Sunday. All that is nice and everything, but it’s really of little importance how it makes me feel. The reason I love it is that it’s full of people who, by and large, are committed to going out and BEING the church… people who are kind and giving and have servant hearts. Not just on Sundays, not just because they feel like they have to, but because they want to.

This past Saturday, we joined a group of other members from our neighborhood for a service project. Our assignment was to clean out a large planter at the local elementary school, to get it ready for a future sustainable work of art. The kids were very excited to be able to do their part to help, and all six of us were warmly welcomed by the group (none of whom we’d met before) when we got started.

Ironically, shortly into our morning of service, we were the ones getting served. We’d only been there for around half and hour when Spencer misjudged a step, lost his footing and fell from the side of the planter, scraping his legs in the process. At first he answered with a quick affirmative to all the concerned “Are you okay?”s, but eventually accepted an offer to at least sit and get some cool water on his scrapes. As the adrenaline – and the 100+ degree heat – started catching up with him, he grew paler and paler.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” I asked, which garnered the attention of another kind samaritan from the group. He took one look at Spencer’s face, which was still losing color, and said we needed to get him inside under some air conditioning. He helped us inside the school, holding cold bottled water against his neck. (He explained as we went that holding it on the carotid artery would cool the body. Later on, Spencer told me that he enjoyed that bit of information, as he is very familiar with the term from watching all his medical shows)

He stood and chatted with us inside the school’s office, while Spencer sipped cold water and tried to cool off. He was starting to look a little green, and finally admitted he was feeling nauseous and light-headed. Our rescuer disappeared then, and returned about 30 seconds later with a big dripping wet something that he draped around Spencer’s head and neck (which helped almost instantly.) The man had literally taken the shirt off his back and soaked it in cold water to come to the aid of an overheated kid he’d just met. And all I could do was say thank you.

Thank you kind man for making sure my son did not pass out. Thank you half a dozen people who asked, more than once, if he was feeling better.

Thank you for the friendly conversation, and for treating our kids like the interesting, unique people that they are.

Thank you stranger who let my 3 and 7 year old help paint the Arizona map, and made them feel special and important, and didn’t once complain about drips or unevenness.

Thank you red shirted people, for welcoming us into your fold, helping us serve the community, and helping each other serve US. Thank you for your unexpected ability, in the short span of two hours, to completely restore my faith in humanity.

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Filed under church, faith, life, perspective

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

 

Does anyone remember reading this book as a kid? I remember the book well, and I remember a 6th grade creative writing assignment (I remember a LOT of creative writing assignments in eery detail) where we had to write our own version. Mine involved throwing an alarm clock in frustration and accidentally hitting my dad, pouring milk on my cereal only to find out it was spoiled, and falling out an open window at school.

I always think of that book on days like yesterday… days marred by not one big lousy thing, but a succession of many many little lousy things. The kind of day that when, at 4:00 in the afternoon, you finally get your first chance to sit down for a tenth of a second (on the bathroom floor no less, because taking a bath is the absolute only thing that the three year old wants to do), your seven year old promptly kicks over your entire cup of coffee in his haste to join his sister in the tub. The kind of day when you spend a good two minutes with a wet pair of shorts, just staring at the tan puddle spreading across the tile from said cup of coffee, because you’re literally too tired to do anything about it. The kind of day when you actually dread leaving your post on the cold bathroom floor – as uncomfortable as it is – because you don’t want to face the mess that awaits in the rest of the house.

The kind of day when you finally and gratefully go to bed after a warm meal, in your comfortable house in your safe neighborhood… after you kiss your four healthy kids goodnight and turn out the lights… and there’s nothing you can do but thank God that even on the bad days, your life’s pretty damn good.

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Filed under life, perspective, random

What are we proud of?

Little Johnny made the honor roll again.  Suzy gets 100% on all her spelling tests, and is reading above her grade level.  Bob aced his SATs.  Karen got accepted into Dartmouth.  Steve made the Dean’s list.  Henry landed a high-paying job with a big signing bonus.  Ken and Tina bought a new house with the white picket fence when they were still fresh from their honeymoon.

Those are all nice and lovely – if you care about those kinds of things – but…

What does it even mean?  Is this what we’re on the earth for?  To participate in some great race to… somewhere… where the prizes are good grades and gold stars, bonuses and promotions?  I see so many people measuring success (both their children’s and their own) on the above sort of criteria.  They’re so proud of those report cards, so proud of those awards.

I don’t know about you, but I want more than that.  I want something that means something.  And to be totally honest, when people gush with pride about their child’s grades, while I will smile and nod and make appropriate congratulatory remarks… inside, my true knee-jerk response is something akin to “So what?”  To say that I’m remarkably unimpressed with things like grades is a gross understatement.  They just don’t matter to me, and my list of objections to their very presence is lengthy.

But I’ll pretend, for the sake of argument, that I do care, that I do think that things like grades are a good measure of success.  And I’ll take it a step further, and say that the fancy college is a good measure of success too, as well as the high-paying job and the big sprawling house.  This is how society measures success, and for one (highly uncomfortable) moment, I’ll go along with society.  Good grades, fancy colleges, high paying jobs = success.  Fine.

But there’s still a problem.  Even if all those things do truly measure success (and I’m still saying that they do) …

They still don’t measure character
They still don’t measure joy
They still don’t measure love
They still don’t measure peace
They still don’t measure kindness
They still don’t measure compassion
They still don’t measure gentleness

These are the things that make me proud of my kids.

The rest of it… the grades, the schools, the jobs, the achievements… it’s all just extra “stuff.”  Strip all of that away, and underneath we are all people.  I’m not nearly as interested in hearing about your pride for your kids in terms of their labels – your son the scholar, your daughter the athlete – as I am in hearing about your child the PERSON.

What happens when a parent decides ahead of time what it is that’s going to make them proud… whether it’s scholastic achievement, sports, the arts, a future career… and the child takes an entirely different path?  What happens when that parent has two or more children, and one meets their expectations and the others don’t?  I have seen firsthand what it does to a child to grow up with his or her parents subtly and not-so-subtly disappointed in them, not as satisfied with them, not as proud of them as their siblings.   I told myself a long time ago that if I were ever blessed with children that I would not be that parent… that I would let MY KIDS show me who they are, and let MY KIDS teach me what they can be, and do;  and let MY KIDS be the ones to unfold all the different aspects of themselves that make me proud.

And I am proud, of all four of them… in many different ways, but also in some fundamentally similar ways.  I’m proud of who they are as people, and you just can’t measure that with a grade or a test or a job offer.

The older I get the more that I ask myself, “Will this matter at the end of my life?”  Is your grave stone going to be engraved with your SAT scores, or your stock portfolio, or the fact that you made six figures at a thankless job?

No, it’s not.  It’s going to say that you were very loved.  The rest of that stuff?  It just doesn’t matter.

This quote (often attributed to Emerson) sums it up best:

To laugh often and much;
to win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children;
to earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others;
to leave the world a bit better,
whether by a healthy child,
a garden patch
or a redeemed social condition;
to know even one life has breathed easier
because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.

My kids are succeeding.  And for that, I am proud.

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Filed under attachment parenting, parenting, passions, perspective, unschooling