Category Archives: unschooling

May 15, 2012 · 7:52 AM

Unschooling: My moment of doubt

The room was nearly silent. The awkwardness was palpable. Even the speech therapist … bubbly, outgoing and friendly until just a few weeks prior, absolutely refused to look us in the eye, instead staring down at some imaginary spot on the table. I remember looking at the clock – a standard issue, one-in-every-room school clock – and watching the second hand slowly sweep around until I heard the audible click that signified that another excruciatingly long minute had gone by.

Hop on over to Christian Unschooling to continue reading.

Unlimited Screen Time?

Almost two weeks ago, Paxton (11 at the time of this writing) jumped up playing basketball, took a bad landing, and ended up severely spraining his ankle. For the past 13 days he’s been on the couch and I’ve been playing nurse. Injury not withstanding, I’ve really enjoyed this extra time I’ve suddenly gotten with him. We’ve watched countless movies together – everything from Bruce Almighty to Lord of the Rings to a documentary about the Titanic. We’ve watched plenty of TV together too, including a several-episode-long marathon of Criss Angel’s magic. The TV and movies were fun while they lasted, but he eventually asked me to bring him a laptop. We then watched videos on YouTube, shared and compared our various wanderings on our respective computers, and had discussion after discussion about all of the above. He has since moved on to teaching himself card tricks, and he has spent the past 48 hours practicing and perfecting his skills.

In our house, we don’t limit or otherwise try to control television, movies, computers, or other types of “screen time”…. even when no one is injured. All of that technology is simply another tool we’re all free to use, or not use, as we see fit. Sometimes our house is humming with televisions, computers, and video games… and sometimes the only humming comes from the kids. Yesterday (on a rare Sunday at home) no one so much as glanced at a TV until evening came.

When I first became a parent, screen time made me all kinds of uneasy. I wanted my kids (well, my one kid at the time) to read a book, or do a puzzle, or play outside, or use his imagination… not sit in front of a screen. I was self-righteous in my resolve, telling anyone who asked that we didn’t do much TV… that in our house we focused on learning activities. And how much could he possibly learn from a SCREEN?

Well. As it turns out, a lot. As I gradually let go and lifted my limits, I realized that those things I had feared not only didn’t hamper Spencer’s learning, but added to it immensely! We still read books. We still did puzzles. We still played outside. He still used his imagination. But we’d also opened up a whole new world to enjoy together, one that we still appreciate and share… without limits and without conditions. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

One of the most common questions or objections I get from unschoolers new to the idea of unlimited screen time is that whenever they’ve tried, it’s made their kids unruly or agitated… or as this one reader states, it has just been a “disaster”:

I love the idea of unlimited screen time, but every time I go with it disasters happen. The kids (5 and 3) start bouncing around on the couch, biting each other, kicking, etc. It is worst when they have been watching movies all day so I can’t help but associate it with the screen time.

So why the disaster? Why, if it works so well for us (and for lots of other families) do so many people try it only to pronounce it a failure? Here are a few things that could be happening, in no particular order:

1. They’re bored. They’re watching TV or playing a video game not because they particularly want to, but because no better alternative has been presented or offered. They’re feeling pent-up or frustrated, so it comes out in their behavior. It would come out in my behavior too. Maybe they’d rather be outside, or baking cookies, or drawing a picture, or just hanging out with mom. When that’s the case, it’s not the fault of the screen. It’s simply a matter of being involved, maybe doing a little detective work, offering suggestions, and offering yourself.

2. They’re hungry. Or tired. Or in need of a break. Again, not the fault of the screen. A lot of times, kids (and adults for that matter) will get really engrossed in something and not listen to their bodies. They miss cues of hunger or fatigue until they’re to the point of grumpy. Ideally, as parents we should step in before that happens.

3. Parents are coming into it with preconceived ideas about how it will affect their kids. In other words, they’re expecting their children to behave in a negative way. In the same way that many parents who think, “Oh if he has those cookies now, he’ll be bouncing off the walls all night” will then observe said bouncing off the walls, and feel validated for being right… even if the behavior was completely unrelated. Even if the perceived “hyper” behavior wasn’t so unreasonable after all. We tend to see what we want to see.

4. The child/children have just gotten really engrossed in what they’re watching or playing, to the point of wanting to shut out what’s going on around them, and being frustrated by distractions and interruptions. I know a lot of people think of things like TV watching as passive activities. You just sit and stare and become a zombie. I have never found that to be case. For me (and for my kids who choose to watch TV) I think it’s often the opposite. I get very involved. Certain shows and movies make me come alive. I fall in love with the stories,with the dialogue, with the writing, with the timing. And just as with any other activity that I’m really immersed in…. whether it’s watching a movie, or reading, or writing, or creating something… when I’m interrupted or have to stop, I feel frustrated. And while as an adult I can generally ~~sometimes~~ handle that frustration and transition without making too much of a fuss about it, it’s twenty times harder for a child.

5. Maybe it really does affect your child differently than mine. (There’s my little disclaimer: I don’t pretend to know the inner workings of someone else’s child or family) If that’s the case, I strongly believe that there’s still a way to come to a peaceful and respectful solution that takes everyone’s needs and wishes into account, without being controlling and falling the way of using screen time as a punishment or reward.

Our lives are richer because of technology to be sure :: said as she types on her laptop with high speed internet while simultaneously watching a sci-fi movie with the 11 and 7 year olds :: At the same time, because it’s treated as no more or less important or valuable as any of the other tools at our disposal, the kids can all take it or leave it.

Right now, they’re leaving it. The movie got too confusing, and there are important card tricks to be done.

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You might also want to read No thank you, we’ll stay plugged; and Blame the Video Games

25 Comments

Filed under learning, life, technology, television, unschooling, video games

April 11, 2012 · 3:27 PM

Then He Read Hunger Games

A couple of days ago, a fellow unschooling friend was telling me about her eight year old, who’d been complaining of being bored lately. She said she’d suggest a swim or a game of catch or an offer to do something new together… and then a few minutes later he’d be bored again.

It’s rare that my eight year old is bored… in fact, most of the time, the day just doesn’t contain enough hours for all the things he wants to do, try, and experience.

My 15 year old though, he’s been bored. In thinking about it, I’m not sure ‘bored’ is even the word. He’s been in a very quiet season. He’s been sleeping a lot. He’s been regrouping. He’s not been especially focused on one (or any) particular pursuit, beyond doing that aforementioned regrouping. Like my friend, I’ve been offering up suggestions when he seems to want them, while at the the same time trying to respect his space and his needs. Many days, that means simply letting him be. For the past couple of weeks, a casual onlooker might have thought he hadn’t been doing much of anything at all (though we know that’s not the case.)

And then, three days ago, he started reading The Hunger Games.

Spencer has never been much of a pleasure reader. He reads for information. He reads magazines and articles on the internet. He’s a Google expert. He’s not one to really pick up a novel. But he picked up The Hunger Games, and something happened.

Suddenly there was a new burst of passion. It’s been followed by in-depth conversations (and lots of them) about everything from geography to character development to plot lines to war. There have been explosions of learning. Lists of other books he wants to read. New interests. New excitement. New activity.

And just like that, the period of rest was over.

A short, but important side note: It’s actually a pet peeve of mine when parents point to their child’s love of reading as a proof of unschooling’s – or perhaps their parenting’s – success. Not because reading isn’t wonderful (you’d be hard-pressed to find a more avid reader than myself), but because it’s simply a tool, one that once it’s mastered is no more or less valuable for its learning potential as anything else. My point would have been the same whether the impetus for Spencer’s current burst of activity had been a book or a movie or a video game or a trip to a local museum. He was inspired, and he’s running with it.

I actually don’t care if my children read for pleasure. What I care about is that they follow that spark, that passion… wherever it comes from, and wherever it leads.

5 Comments

Filed under learning, reading, Spencer, unschooling

April 3, 2012 · 7:44 AM

A Day in the Life: Going With the Flow

“Can you describe a typical unschooling day for me?”

The question is almost always filled with both curiosity and sincerity. It’s one of the first things those new to the concept of unschooling want to know.

What do you mean when you say, “unschooling?”

What does it look like in your house?

What’s a typical day like?

Or the slightly more straightforward: “What exactly do you do all day?”

The answer – to all of the above – is it depends…………

(Hop on over to Christian Unschooling to keep reading.)

Just Like Riding a Bike

When Spencer learned to ride a bike without training wheels, he did so over a period of several months. He never fell. He inched, slowly, slowly, gaining a little more confidence every day. He scootched on his feet until he was balanced enough to put one foot on pedal, then two. He inched some more. Until one day, he was able to confidently put both feet on the pedals, and pedaled away smoothly and easily like he had been doing it his whole life. ‘

When Paxton learned, he learned in one day. He fell many times. He was scraped and bruised and frustrated, and about ready to throw his bike across the street. He kept getting back on. Again and again, he tried, fell, got back up. Each time he got a little bit further. And by the end of the day his perseverance had also paid off, and he too was riding like he’d been doing it his whole life.

Everett was somewhere between his two brothers. He reached a point where he didn’t want to ride with training wheels anymore, but at first just wasn’t that interested in riding on two wheels. He would try here and there, sometimes asking for help and sometimes not. Sometimes he’d fall, and sometimes he wouldn’t get to that point. Sometimes he’d go long stretches without wanting to ride a bike at all. Earlier this year he said, “One of my goals for this year is to learn to ride my bike.” I told him I thought that was wonderful. He never mentioned it again though, until yesterday. He walked into the room, helmet in hand, and said, “I’m going to go out and practice on my bike.” He took a couple tries on his own, had me hold on to the back of his bike for awhile, then wanted to try on his own again.

Then I took this:

He stayed out another hour after that, by the end of which – yup – he was riding up and down the street (on and off the curb and everything) like he’d been doing it his whole life.

Three kids. Three styles. Three bike riders.

That’s unschooling.

7 Comments

Filed under Everett, learning, life, unschooling

March 26, 2012 · 11:13 AM

Unschooling: Don’t You Worry That They’ll Miss Something?

I recently received the following question on my Facebook page. Because this line of questioning (essentially an expression of fear) is one of the most common types of questions I hear, I decided to bring it to my blog.

We recently started trying to unschooling our kids, when I am not in panic mode and I was wondering if you ever worry about them missing something? Our oldest son is reading A Peoples History but only wishes to read a chapter a day and then proceeds to play video games or heads outside to explore. Our youngest is 10 knows his multiplication tables and how to do basic math but when I hand him his worksheet he informs me he knows how to do this without a calculator so why can’t he use a calculator now, after all his Papa is a tax man and he uses one all the time. I am afraid that they are not motivated enough to school this way. Do you ever worry about this?

There’s definitely a lot to be unpacked from these words, but I want to say first that it sounds like to me like the asker is still in her own self-described “panic mode” and not yet unschooling (and that’s okay!) There is a period of deschooling to be done if one wants to transition to unschooling, as well as a vast amount of trust in both your children and the learning process. If you’re still handing out worksheets and equating learning with written math problems and history books, unschooling isn’t going to work very well for you. If unschooling is the eventual goal, it requires a total shift in thinking, and a certain amount of letting go. Panic can be a good thing if it’s the impetus for doing the research, knowing your options, and asking the right questions… but educational decisions made out of panic are not fair to you or your child, and don’t help anyone get closer to unschooling.

As for the question, do I ever worry about my kids missing something?

No, I don’t. For the simple reason that they WILL miss something. Traditionally homeschooled kids will miss something too. So will public schooled kids. So will those who attend private school. We all miss something. Why? Because there’s no one certain set of facts or skills that guarantees that a person has learned what he needs to know in order to go out and be successful in the world. If there was, we’d all stop learning as soon as we finished school. There’d be no compelling reason to learn anything new. The fact is, no one (not a parent, not a teacher, not a curriculum writer) knows what another person is going to need to know for his or her own path in life. None of us know. 80% of the most in-demand jobs of 2011 did not exist ten years ago. Didn’t exist! The people who are going out and getting these jobs are not the ones who learned everything they needed to know in school, but the ones who were not afraid to admit that they needed and wanted to learn something new. The ones who were eager and confident, the ones who enjoyed learning, enjoyed trying new things, and enjoyed being challenged.

When it comes to my children’s education, my goal is not to impart a certain set of knowledge. It would be an exercise in futility anyway, as they are the only ones in control of whether or not they learn something (Think of your own school experience, and of the required classes and tests you took, the ones whose answers you forgot immediately upon graduation – if you retained them even that long) As John Holt says, “True learning – learning that is permanent and useful, that leads to intelligent action and further learning — can arise only out of the experience, interest, and concerns of the learner.”

No, what I want for my kids is for them to love life and love learning. I want them to be able and confident learners, people who don’t look at learning as a chore, but as a joy. People who recognize that learning is a life-long process, and a highly personal process, something that is going to look different for each and every individual in the world. I don’t want them to fear learning, but rather to embrace it…. so that when they have a need or a desire to learn something new they can do so easily and naturally, in a time and a place and a fashion that makes sense for them and for their lives.

None of us is ever done learning. There is always more to learn. So in that sense, we’ve all “missed” something. And if we nurture and embrace and support our kids’ natural curiosity and love of learning, anything that they’ve missed can, and will, be learned with ease if and when they need it.

29 Comments

Filed under unschooling

March 21, 2012 · 12:38 PM

Free To Be

Okay, don’t judge me. Sometimes I like to read celebrity news sites. Back in the day, I subscribed to both US Weekly and People, and I relished that little mid-week escape into the exploits and lives of the rich and the famous. I have long since let those subscriptions lapse, mainly because… well… busy mom, four kids, adult responsibilities = reading about the details of Demi and Ashton’s divorce doesn’t rank too highly on my list of priorities.

But, I do still occasionally find myself at the websites.

Last week, I saw a link titled, “Spotted: Zahara and Shiloh Get Playful with Paparazzi.” Since I still read enough about that stuff to ~~be able to pick every celebrity baby out of a line-up~~ to know who Zahara and Shiloh are, and since I like reading about families with lots of kids who’ve created a lifestyle around traveling the world, I clicked on it.

Here’s the thing: Shiloh Jolie-Pitt is a beautiful (and if her pictures are any indication, happy) little five year old girl, who likes to keep her hair short and dresses more like her brothers than her sisters. And for reasons that I absolutely fail to understand, it makes people crazy. This stranger, this child that they don’t even know, is getting attacked, over her… hair? Her clothes?

Some of the comments from the article above:

She could be such a pretty girl…

Why the short hair and boys clothes?!

she is expressing her feelings of wanted to be boy…..Angie should take her to a therapist that specializes in children with gender issues….and pray to God that every thing is going to be o.k.!

the way they let this girl dress is a joke. They really need to put their foot down on this one. They need to make her accept the fact that she is a girl,NOT A BOY. How long is this gonna go on…….

Why are they pushing that little GIRL to dress/look like a BOY??

Poor Shiloh!! Angelina RUINED her when she was just a newborn dressing her in boy’s clothes!! Shame on her!!

I don’t believe that Shiloh has that haircut or wears those clothes cause she wants. I don’t know ANY kid who wants to outstand from the rest. I think they don’t even know what to be different in a trend or chic way is.

The march of the freak parade. How sad for these children, who will know no other life but the freak existance these two self centered, self promoting people give them.

Now, some of this shouldn’t even be dignified with a response. To suggest that a child (a child you don’t know, at that) needs to see a therapist because of her clothes and hairstyle choices is ludicrous, at best. And the “freak” comment… I just included that one as a small sampling of how mean people can get over things like this. But the rest of it: Am I missing something? What on earth could possibly be wrong with letting your children innocently express themselves? To the person who said that she can’t believe a child would choose those things for herself, or want to stand out from the rest, I strongly beg to differ.

When given the freedom to do so, kids love to express themselves through their clothes, their hair, and their appearance in general. And they should! For some kids, it means constantly experimenting. For others, it means picking a look and sticking with it. Still others may say, “You know what? I don’t need to look ‘different’; I’m happy just being me.” I think part of our job as parents is to respect and honor that individuality, in whatever ways we can. Life is full of hard choices. Full. But not this one. This one’s easy. Your kid wants short hair, long hair, blue hair, shaved hair? Painted nails? Painted face? Temporary tattoos? A body decorated with markers or lipstick or mud? Mismatched clothes, boy clothes, girl clothes, black clothes, bright clothes?

Why the hell not, to any of the above?

It literally pains me to feel that I even have to say this out loud, but that stuff is just an outward expression. It doesn’t change who your child is. Everett is the same child he was before he embraced a purple mohawk. Spencer is the same person he was both before and after he cut off some 18 inches of long curly hair. I’m the same person I was before I pierced my nose. Or dreaded my hair. Or got tattoos. It completely befuddles me that in 2012 that people are still placing so much emphasis on outward appearances. Still placing so much judgment on outward appearances. Sadly, the public response to Shiloh Jolie-Pitt shows me that not only does it still exist, but that it is rampant.

Unfortunately, I can’t do anything about society. What I can do is make sure my kids know that they are free to express themselves. To make sure they know that others are free to express themselves too, that even when others make choices we wouldn’t make for ourselves, that it doesn’t mean those choices are bad or wrong. To make sure they know that you can’t ever judge a person simply by what’s on the outside. To make sure they know that differences are not just okay, but BEAUTIFUL:

Who wants to live in a world where everyone looks the same anyway? I know I don’t.

And I can’t help but think that if more kids – and adults – were given the freedom to truly be who they are, that there would be less people growing up feeling the need to lash out irrationally at five year old strangers on the internet.

15 Comments

Filed under parenting, Uncategorized, unschooling

January 22, 2012 · 7:27 PM

My Unsocialized Kids

A couple of weeks ago, someone wrote on an online forum that she liked the idea of homeschooling, but that she would never do it. Why? She couldn’t handle the possibility of her children becoming “social misfits.” Because, you know, kids need to go to school to get properly socialized. I have wanted to write a response to that woman for the past two weeks, but I haven’t had time… largely because my kids’ social calendar has kept me too darn busy.

I haven’t sat down since last Tuesday.

Like most homeschoolers, I am in turns annoyed, amused, and just plain bored with the socialization question. But for reasons that I will forever fail to understand, this “social misfit” myth is irritatingly persistent. So for that woman on the forum, and everyone else who shares her concerns, allow me this window into the lives of my four unsocialized homeschoolers for the past five days:

Wednesday was basketball practice for Everett (age 7). He plays for a town league at the community center with a group of maybe 10 or 12 other 7 and 8 year olds. Tegan (age 4) comes and watches with me while he practices. Sometimes the bigger boys come to hang out, and sometimes they stay home… where they’ll play Minecraft and chat with friends from as far away as Japan.

On Thursdays, Tegan has gymnastics. This is her second session, and she looks forward to it all week. The boys usually like coming to that too, because they can hang out in the game room and play ping pong.. either with themselves, or with the other kids who are always around. A lot of times, I won’t see them for the entire hour-long class. They manage to go to the front desk to ask to borrow the paddles and ball, and otherwise interact with the people around them, despite their lack of socialization.

Fridays are park days. We have belonged to a really lovely homeschool group since last fall, a rather long time for me us. This week, Everett was so excited to get there that he begged me to drop him off before I’d even parked the car. He jumped out and ran over to join to the kickball game, a weekly tradition that welcomes and involves kids from anywhere 6 to 16. Spencer (14) and Paxton (11) ended up over there too, while Tegan and I went to play on the playground. She quickly made a little friend, and eventually told me, “You can go over with the other moms and watch me from over there, Mommy.” The boys finished playing kickball, and graduated to swinging on the swings, playing touch football, and just chatting and hanging out with their friends, and their friends’ moms. We stayed at the park until 4:00, when we had to leave to get Paxton to his basketball practice.

Yesterday, we were back at the same park for Everett’s Cub Scout Space Derby. We got there at 11:00 in the morning, and spent the next couple of hours watching and rooting for Everett and the rest of his den while they competed to see who had the fastest rocket ship. The highlight for Everett (besides winding up with first place and Best in Show): Getting to race against his best friend for the top spot.

After the derby was over, it was a basketball game for Paxton, out to dinner with friends, and back to the park once again for skits and the award ceremony.

This morning, the boys all wanted to go to church with their friends… so they did, each to their own classes, while Mike and I stayed home to take care of some things around the house. When they got back, our friends came over to 1) help Mike with a project on the car and 2) visit. The kids – our kids and theirs – all immediately dispersed into the backyard and various rooms to hang out and play, but not before Spencer thrust a flier (for a teens’ barbeque and volleyball game) in front of me, and said “I want to go to this.” And so he will.

Tomorrow is Monday, and Everett’s den meeting… and it starts all over again.

So are they social misfits? Or just normal, happy, well-adjusted kids who like to stay busy, try new things, and hang out with their friends? I guess it’s a judgment call. I will say though, that when I go to bed at night, in those final moments before I fall asleep, when the events of the day run through my head, and I ponder what’s working and what I need to do differently….. I don’t ever, EVER think to myself:

Damn, I really need to get these kids some socialization.

28 Comments

Filed under homeschooling, life, socialization, unschooling

January 15, 2012 · 11:36 AM

Unschooling, Christianity, and Other Misconceptions

I don’t pay too much attention to anti-unschooling articles. For one thing, unschoolers make up a small percentage of homeschoolers, which are already just a tiny (but growing) fraction of the general population. It’s not for everyone. It’s not for most people. I get that. It’s also difficult for a lot of people to understand, and people tend to fear or mock what they don’t understand.

I’m happy with my decision to unschool. I’m confident in my decision to unschool. I don’t read a lot of negatively slanted unschooling pieces because I don’t want to give it my energy…. energy that could be much better spent making my life – and that of my kids – full and fun and interesting and happy.

Every now and then though, one slides under my radar. One that’s so full of both its own self-importance and myriads of misconceptions that it nearly begs me to ignore it. I wrestle with indecision. “I really shouldn’t. I shouldn’t. Oh… but I’m gonna.”

I don’t like it when people who don’t understand unschooling try to tell others why they shouldn’t unschool. And I really don’t like it when people who don’t understand unschooling specifically tell Christians that they shouldn’t unschool. Understand it FIRST, and then write about it.

I could sit here and talk to some experts and write an article about, say, the wrong way to reconcile a 941. Don’t know what that is? Oh don’t worry. I’ll explain it to you, in broad strokes and with sweeping generalizations. But until I understand it (beyond the fact that it has something to do with quarterly taxes) I will be first one to tell you that I’m not in a position to be advising on its procedure. I will send you right to my husband who will tell you everything you need to know, without disparaging anyone in the process.

And so it is with unschooling. It’s one thing to say, “You know what? I’ve done the research, and unschooling isn’t for me. This is why.” It’s another thing entirely to warn of unschooling’s dangers when you haven’t yet grasped what unschooling means.

This article, written by Grace Howard, starts out by telling us how us Christian parents should be “concerned” by unschooling. (Emphasis is mine)

But unschooling’s philosophy of education differs substantially from traditional homeschooling, and should pose some concerns for Christian parents.

Now, I’m not a fan of being told what to do as it is. But being told what to feel? What to be concerned about? All parents, Christian and otherwise, will have concerns. Absolutely. I’m concerned about hate. I’m concerned about prejudice. I am NOT concerned about when or why or how little Suzy learns long division. Unschooling is not concerning.

Unschooling is a “radical” version of homeschooling; it gives children complete control over their subjects, schedule, and interests. If children do not want to learn science, they do not have to. If they enjoy art, literature, or computer programming, they can spend all their time pursuing that subject

If you are new to the idea of unschooling, please do not give this definition any weight. Unschooling does not “give children complete control over their subjects, schedule, and interests.” To understand unschooling is to recognize that life is not divided into subjects in the first place. And having control over their own interests? Who else but you should have control over your own interests?? Children who “do not want to learn science” or math or history or whatever the case may be, are children who have learned – most likely through school – that learning is a chore. That learning is something that is forced upon us, rather than something that organically happens inside each one of us. That something that is momentarily hard or uninteresting or not useful is something to be feared and avoided. But it doesn’t work that way for unschoolers. Unschoolers know that learning is everywhere. Unschoolers know that they can (and will) learn science as easily and naturally as anything else. Science, math, history, social studies… they’re all intertwined, and they’re all around us. Unschoolers know that they learn everything they need to know, when they need to know it, as it makes sense for them in the life that’s unfolding around them.

In the most radical forms of unschooling, this freedom permeates children’s entire life: they control their bedtimes, meals, and chores

That’s fair enough I guess, for a rudimentary definition, in terms of the way most people view radical unschooling. My children don’t have parent-imposed bedtimes… but they get plenty of sleep, are well-attuned to their own bodies, and know when they need to rest. My children are not required to follow a parent-imposed schedule of meals… but they are healthy and strong, have a good relationship with food, and eat a cleaner and more varied diet than just about any other kids I know. My children do not have sticker charts or compulsory chores they must attend to every day… but they all pitch in as much as the next whenever they are asked, with everything from dishes to laundry to taking out the trash, because we’re a family and we all work together.

Christian unschoolers try to meld the limit-free teaching methods of unschooling with structured biblical parenting.

They do? This is the part that makes lots of people all kinds of uneasy, but… biblical parenting is not all that “structured.” It’s just not. Biblical parenting is about raising children in love. Raising children in a way that demonstrates both your love and God’s love… love for them, and love for each other. It’s about treating children how you’d like to be treated, and about behaving in the same truthful, authentic, honest and kind manner that you would want to pass down to the next generation. And yes, it’s about freedom. It is NOT about control, harsh discipline, and being in bed by 7:00 PM.

Elissa Wahl, co-author of Christian Unschooling: Growing Your Children in the Freedom of Christ, writes on her site, Christian-Unschooling.blogspot.com, that “Unschooling in my house is not unparenting….Although I am pretty radical in my educational beliefs, they do not carry over to letting the children do whatever they want, whenever, with no consequences. That would be unbiblical.”

That quote makes me sad. I have read that book (I think it’s even on my bookshelf somewhere) and I enjoyed it. I am absolutely certain that Ms Wahl is a lovely person, and has no doubt done good things for the unschooling community. But when even “experts” in the unschooling community are perpetuating these misconceptions, is it any wonder that people are so confused? Radical unschooling, whether Christian or otherwise, does not mean “letting the children do whatever they want, whenever, with no consequences.” It’s just not a fair definition, nor is it accurate, nor is it kind. It lends itself to the supposition that unschooled children are ignored, that they are just wildly flinging about the house, with nary a parent in sight. Unschooling parents work with their children…. as partners, facilitators, and friends. At its heart, unschooling is about respect. Respect for the children, yes, but also respect for yourselves as parents. Respect for the family. Respect for the process of living and learning together in freedom. It is not unbiblical. You can read my series on Christian Unschooling for more.

Combining unschooling and biblical understanding of child raising is hard, though, because unschooling grew out of the work of author John Holt, an atheist who argued that parents who exercise discipline “probably destroy as many good qualities as we develop, do at least as much harm as good.”

The more my “biblical understanding of child raising” has increased, so has my realization that it is VERY much aligned with unschooling, not opposed to it. As for John Holt… I have been reading his books for over 15 years now, and I didn’t even know that he was an atheist until I read the above quote a week ago. So to say that it’s hard to combine biblical parenting with his teachings on unschooling – simply because he’s an atheist – is unfair. And interestingly, the Holt quote from above, cited as a reason NOT to unschool as a Christian sounds an awful like a verse from the Bible itself: “Parents, don’t come down too hard on your children or you’ll crush their spirits.” (Colossians 3:21, The Message)

Author and Patrick Henry College provost Gene Edward Veith, a proponent of classical liberal arts education, fears that unschooling’s narrow scope could make a person “very narrow and brittle….The beauty of a liberal arts education is that [students] try a bunch of different things, and see what they’re good at. In the course of that, they find what they most want to focus on, but they still have a foundation and basic understanding of a lot of different things.”

A “narrow scope”? I almost couldn’t respond to this because I was laughing so hard. A “narrow scope” would serve as an excellent antithesis for unschooling. Unschoolers have the entire world as their “classroom!” Unschoolers are living and breathing and experiencing life OUTSIDE of the narrow scope that is compulsory schooling. As for trying a bunch of different things to see what they’re good at… my youngest son, at 7, has already tried a countless number of things that I wasn’t even exposed to until high school (or ever), despite the wonder and the beauty of my liberal arts education.

Veith believes that unschooling follows Rousseau’s philosophy of a naturally innocent and good child. Rousseau never advocated the unschooling method: He believed in removing children from their parents and placing them in the care of a tutor. But Veith says that both Rousseau and Holt defined freedom as meaning, “I’ll do whatever I want.” Veith says, “That’s not Christian freedom, that’s license and slavery. A child who is following his own impulses is not free. He’s a slave to those impulses. Freedom comes from teaching [children] “to develop self-control, self-discipline, to develop their mind and their conscience….That’s real freedom.”

Whew. Let me first say that I believe wholeheartedly in freedom. If you take nothing else from my blog, please take that. I believe in freedom. Freedom for myself, and freedom for my kids. Freedom, by most any definition, is something to aspire to for sure:

FREEDOM: The quality or state of being free, as in: a: the absence of necessity, coercion, or constraint in choice or action b:liberation from slavery or restraint or from the power of another :independencec: the quality or state of being exempt or released usually from something onerous <freedom from care> d:ease, facility <spoke the language with freedom> e: the quality of being frank, open, or outspoken <answered with freedom> f: improper familiarity g: boldness of conception or execution h: unrestricted use <gave him the freedom of their home>

If you’re going to define “freedom” using the slightly negative sounding, “I’ll do whatever I want,” then you’re likely to assume it means doing anything you want regardless of effect or consequence on yourself or on those around you. And if you’re continually making poor choices and doing things that are harmful to yourself or others, then I agree with Mr Veith. That’s not really freedom, or at least not a healthy freedom.

But to Veith, and to everyone else who is harboring this misconception:

That’s not unschooling!

Unschooling isn’t about ignoring your children while they become “slaves to their impulses”. Unschooling is about respecting your children, and nurturing their individuality, and yes, giving them the freedom to explore and learn from and experience the world in a safe and healthy way, according to their own interests and their own timetable and their own unique path in life. If I am imposing my will on my children, then I’m not giving them freedom.

I’m not teaching my children to develop self-control… but because they are loved and cared for by people who practice it, they are learning it. I’m not teaching my children self-discipline, but because they are given trust and respect, because their interests are valued and taken seriously, they are learning it. I’m not teaching my children to develop their mind and their conscience, but because they’re honored for the unique individuals that they are, because they are self-confident and feel good about themselves, because they respect themselves, respect others, and respect the process of life and learning in general… they are developing. My job as a Christian parent isn’t to mold my children, to shape them into something of my – or even God’s – choosing. He’s done that already. They were each individually and uniquely and perfectly created exactly as they were for a reason. My job is to honor that. My job is to love them, to nurture them, and to protect them. My job is ensure that they are happy, healthy, and learning, and that they have all the space and the resources and the support they need to follow their own individual paths. That is freedom.

Christianity and radical unschooling do not have to be – nor should they be – mutually exclusive, despite the morass of articles such as this one that tell us otherwise. So I’ll continue to write about it, even while recognizing that this gross misinterpretation is still so widely accepted.

It’s a shame too, because it’s a pretty great way to live.

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Filed under christian unschooling, faith, Uncategorized, unschooling

January 9, 2012 · 8:13 AM

The Unschooled Gamer

Did you know what you wanted to do with your life when you were eleven?

I did. I wanted to be a writer. Sure, there were moments growing up that I also wanted to be (in no particular order): an Olympic gymnast, a hair stylist, a scientist, and a psychologist. But the one constant, the one thing that I always wanted to be – for as long as I can remember – was a writer. I never knew the exact form it would take, which meant that I navigated a frustrating college experience consisting of, “Well you should major in English. No, you want to take Journalism. Let’s try Mass Communications.” Until I finally admitted that none of them were really the right path for me, but that I still just wanted to write.

I am turning 38 tomorrow, and I am a writer. No, I don’t earn a living writing (although it does very occasionally earn me at least a little bit of money), but I am a writer. I am living out that eleven year old’s dream.

I write.

Sometimes a few people read what I have to say.

Sometimes a lot of people read what I have to say.

Sometimes people are even touched in some way by what I have to say.

Sometimes my words are for me and me alone.

But I am a writer.

Paxton, eleven years old at the time of this writing, wants to be a video game designer.

He has always wanted to be a video game designer. Why, when I know from my own experience the reality of an eleven year old’s passion, would I not take that every bit as seriously as my own writing? I don’t share his love of video games, but I have learned to appreciate them on a whole new level through his example. I can see how much he loves them. I can see how much he’s learning from them. I can see how much it all means to him.

Last night, prompted in part by a discussion about this article, I told Paxton, “You know what you should do? You should start a blog about video games, so that people can see what you’re doing, and see what you’re learning.”

And he answered, “I’ve been thinking about starting a blog!”

So last night, long after the rest of us had gone to bed, he did. He is now, officially, Paxton The Unschooled Gamer.

And as it turns out, he’s a writer too.

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Filed under about me, blogging, Paxton, unschooling, video games

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