I have a few really specific memories around food and my body from when I was growing up. 1) I remember being asked, “Do you know how many calories are in that??” I was eating oatmeal at the time. 2) I remember lying on my side on the floor, somewhere in the throes of puberty, and my mom commenting that I was getting “curvy.” 3) I remember getting praised for having a smaller body (because I was starving myself.)

I don’t remember making any huge parenting decisions regarding this when I was a kid, but I sure as hell did when I got older: My kids were going to be raised differently. There would be no body comments. No shame around food. No demonizing calories. No diets. They would learn to have a good and healthy relationship with food and their bodies, not the disordered one that caused me to starve myself well into my 20’s 30’s 40’s if I’m being brutally honest.

And they do. They trust their bodies. They know when they’re hungry and when they’re full. They know what makes them feel good and what doesn’t. (They also know if they happen to eat something that doesn’t make them feel the best, it’s not the end of the world.) They know there’s no such thing as good food or bad food, just foods with different nutrient density. They know that bodies come in all shapes and sizes, that all bodies are good bodies, and that it is never our place to comment on someone else’s body or food choices. They also know that you can never know someone’s health status, eating habits, or exercise regime just by looking at them.

I posted the above meme because I wholeheartedly agree with it. Every word. I think more kids, and more families, would be both healthier and happier if they really took those words to heart. It would take some major un-doing for some people to be sure, but the rewards are well worth the effort.

Most of the responses were positive, but one immediately stuck out like a neon sign.

Why would you let your child believe that being fat is okay?

Short answer: Because it is.

Longer answer: Bodies come in all shapes and sizes. There are a million factors that go into the size of a person’s body, many of which have nothing to do with individual behaviors. Genetics, cultural background, medical conditions, mental illness, disabilities, medications… just to name a few.

But, but… Their health! You cannot tell someone’s health status just by looking at them. I feel like I can’t state that enough. YOU CANNOT TELL SOMEONE’S HEALTH STATUS JUST BY LOOKING AT THEM. A person in a larger body could very well be active, healthy, have immaculate blookwork, and eat a varied, nutrient dense diet. Thin ≠ healthy.

Here’s the thing, though. And if you read nothing else, please read this. Even if someone IS unhealthy, regardless of the size of their body, and regardless of the reason for the size of their body: They don’t owe you good health. Good health is not a moral obligation. Yes, it would be great if everyone was healthy, especially our loved ones, but it’s not their job to improve their health to appease us. And it’s not our job to try to shame them into better health by harping on things (ie: bodies) that aren’t even tied to health in the first place. Behaviors are what can improve health. Bodies aren’t behaviors. Also? Some people can employ every health promoting behavior in existence and still be unhealthy. It is ableist and unkind to treat them with any less dignity and respect than someone in a healthy body.

Diet culture is dangerous. It causes body issues, eating disorders, self-loathing, obsession, and yes, poor health. It robs people of literal YEARS of joy in their lives…. and for what? Chasing a smaller body? Bodies are all meant to be different. Some are meant to be thin. Some are meant to be fat.

And yes, that’s okay.