The other day someone came to me for advice. She is a brand new unschooler, and she wanted to know what to do about friends/family members who were giving her negative feedback about her decisions. She was really upset about it, and felt attacked. It also made her feel insecure and unsure about the path she was taking (even though in her heart she knew it was the right choice for her family), and she wondered if they were right. All I can think about when I get that question – and it’s something I get a lot – is:

Pass the bean dip.

It’s something I’m thankful to have heard about very early on in my parenting/unschooling journey, and it quite literally saved my sanity when it felt like everyone wanted to tell me what I was doing “wrong.” I don’t know who coined it (and if it was you, let me know so I can credit you!) but it was something that floated around the unschooling community back in the early 2000’s, in the days of forums and email lists.

Imagine you’re at a dinner when the criticism comes, you answer briefly, and then change the subject. It goes like this:

Don’t you worry about socialization?

No, I don’t. Please pass the bean dip.

They won’t learn to read or write or do math.

They are doing great! Please pass the bean dip.

I worry that they won’t be prepared for the real world.

This works for us. Please pass the bean dip.

Another thing we got a lot of when the kids were little was subtle (or not so subtle) testing and quizzing of the kids, in an attempt to see if they were on par with their peers. It was insulting and irritating, and it got shut down quick.

It takes some practice, to be sure, but after some time it gets easy. If you’re new and it feels overwhelming, it is okay (and good!) to set a boundary: Criticisms about how you live your life will not be welcomed. And I can say with 100% confidence that after 20-some-odd years of practice, that critiques of my parenting or educational choices don’t bother me anymore. Not even a little bit. Not even at all. I literally don’t care. Most of my naysayers are on Facebook these days, which makes it even easier to move on. A snotty comment? Delete. A not-as-snotty but still uncalled for comment? Ignore. A poorly worded question that could actually be sincere? Benefit of the doubt, an answer, and a request for bean dip at the ready. It has taken me a very long time, but I’ve realized that I don’t have to let anyone else’s opinions and criticisms take up any space in my head. They have the autonomy to feel what they feel, and say what they say. I have the autonomy to ignore it. (see my post People Are the Weather for more on that.)

I will say, in the interest of full disclosure, that though it truly doesn’t bother me when it comes to parenting and schooling, it still sometimes gets under my skin when it’s to do with my faith (hello, religious trauma.) And it shouldn’t. It’s not that it makes me question my beliefs (it doesn’t.) It’s not that it makes me feel insecure, or sad, or angry. But it does make me feel some type of way, and I’m still working through that. Earlier this week, I posted something about my beliefs on my personal Facebook page, and right on schedule came That Guy. The one who NEVER comments on my posts, but conveniently shows up when he disagrees, to show me the error of my ways. Am I the only one who has people like that on my friends list? His comment was arrogant and preachy, and clearly appeared to try to “get me.” I ignored it, but it annoyed me. It also annoys me that I’m still thinking of it four days later. It’s a process.

And don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I ignore everything and everyone with a different perspective. I don’t. In fact, sometimes I deliberately read/watch/listen to opinions that are different than my own just to hear the other side. Just to hold them up to the light against my own. Just to see how I really feel. It doesn’t often change my mind, but it keeps my mind open. It keeps me learning. It keeps me practicing grace.

But outright criticism of my choices? Criticism of how I live my life? Criticism of who I am as a person? That’s not welcome. You can say what you want, and I can walk away.

And I’ll be headed straight for the bean dip.