Category Archives: parenting

September 30, 2011 · 10:40 AM

Us Time

A little more than two weeks ago, I announced my inspired plan to institute a little bit of a schedule.  In this daily schedule (or rhythm or whatever you’d like to call it) was an entire block of time devoted to blogging, writing, and “me time” in general.  It was a brilliant plan, and it was going to be great.

Yeah.  Not so much.

And I could say I’m disappointed, and I could express some frustration, except … this is clearly the way it’s supposed to be right now, it really is:  Spending my days’ energy on the kids and their needs and their pursuits (and enjoying it), and stealing my moments to shower go to the bathroom rest blog or write or pursue some other passion whenever I can get them.   I know as well as anyone that they are only young once, and that this time in their life goes so quickly.  So, so quickly!!  And that right now, my own personal pursuits can wait, or be attended to bit by bit.  Theirs cannot, or should not.  And it’s not about putting myself last, or giving something up, but about putting my family FIRST.

There is such a huge societal push to get away from your kids.  You need “me” time.  You need “girl” time.  You need “couple” time.  Sign them up for classes, sign *yourself* up for classes, get them out of the house.  Get a sitter, get a sitter, get a sitter.   And I’m not saying that any of those things are bad in and of themselves… it’s just that my heart tells me there’s another way.  It doesn’t have to be “me” time or “kid” time.   It doesn’t have to mean, as has been insinuated to me by others, that my life is too kid-centric.  As far as I’m concerned, right now is US time.  Me and the kids and the husband.  Our family should be the priority… not me, not him, not the kids, but the family.  If, within that framework of family, something feels off-balance, then we deal with it.  But right now, while the kids are young, spending time with them comes first.

In our family (there’s my disclaimer – our family), that has meant not leaving them with sitters.   It has meant being creative about “couple” time and enjoying our literally once a year movie date.  It has meant spending vacations and weekends and days off as a family.  It has meant not leaving them even with relatives before they were ready, and yes, it has meant willingly postponing – oftentimes again and again – my own pursuits if it meant too much time away from them.   It’s not yet the time for me to spend the hours needed in a studio to get certified to teach yoga.  It’s not yet the time for me to spend the hours of study needed to take the personal trainer exam.  It’s not yet the time for me to spend the hours at the computer needed to turn my writing from a hobby into a career.

I have never, ever heard somebody get to the end of their life and say, “You know what?  I wish I hadn’t spent so much time with my kids.”  But I’ve heard the opposite far too many times, and I don’t want to be that person.

And it doesn’t mean that I won’t take time for myself, or time for my husband, or for writing or for blogging or for anything else that comes down the pike and strikes my fancy.  It just means that right now, in this season, I need to spend more time being fully present for this:

And this:

And this:


And perhaps having a little less time to write about it.

And that’s okay.

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Filed under about me, attachment parenting, parenting

September 28, 2011 · 6:00 AM

Are you happy with your choices?

A couple nights ago, we had a salesman at the house, giving us a presentation about a way to get greener energy for our home.   He was a nice guy, and he easily chit-chatted it up with us as well as with the kids as they wandered in and out of the room.  It wasn’t long before the fact that we homeschool was brought to light, and the usual, honestly curious questions followed:

Oh!  You homeschool, how does that work for you?

What made you decide to do it?

What kind of curriculum do you follow?

Do you do foreign languages?

How will they get into college?

And of course ….. wait for it …..  What about socialization?

One of the hardest questions for me is always WHY we chose homeschooling.   Not because I don’t have an answer, but because I have oh. so. many. answers.

People always want to know what it was that originally got us started on the homeschooling/unschooling journey, and I never know just what to say.  I tell them about reading John Holt for the first time, and how much it all resonated with me.  But why did I pick up the book in the first place?  I honestly don’t know.  What would perhaps be a better question is why do we continue to homeschool after all these years?   And that is something that I can answer, and answer easily.

Sure, I could wax on and on about theories of learning.  I could talk at length about parenting philosophies, and ways of honoring someone as an individual, and a right to freedom.  I could quote Holt and John Taylor Gatto.  I could cite studies, or point to a flawed school system, or give you an example (or ten or fifty seven) of how learning happens for each of my four kids.  I could, quite literally, write you a book.  But the concise and simple reason we continue to homeschool is this:

It continues to be the right choice for us.  It continues to be a choice that bring us happiness, and contentment, and peace.  It continues to be a choice that just feels right.

I am a big believer in trusting that God (or the universe, or whatever it is you believe in) will let us know whether a choice we’ve made is the right one or the wrong one.  Sometimes it’s in a subtle, quiet way;  one we have to be still and really listen for.  Other times its more of a “hit you over the head with an anvil like you’re a Looney Tunes character.”  Unschooling for us has always been the latter.  We are reminded DAILY that it’s the right choice, and rarely in a subtle fashion.

This year marks year 8 of Spencer’s being “school aged.”  While we knew we’d unschool right from the start (really, even before we knew it had a name), we didn’t have anything to officially opt out of until 8 years ago.  8 years, and we are still completely and blissfully and ridiculously happy with our decision…. so it’s a choice we continue to make.

I find it odd and somewhat confusing when people claim to be happy with their choices but act threatened or offended by those who’ve chosen differently… whether it’s educational choices, or parenting choices, or work choices.  I can never help but wonder if 1) those people are not as happy as they think they are, or 2) if they know deep down that they are unhappy but that they allow themselves to get angry and defensive because it’s easier than the alternative of facing the truth, or 3) if they really ARE as happy as they say they are, but for some reason view differing choices as a threat anyway (which really doesn’t make any logical sense to me)  If you’re truly happy and at peace with your own choices, why would anyone else’s choices matter?

The answer is:  They don’t.

Are you happy with the choices you’ve made, for yourself, and your kids, and your family?  And if you’re not, are you taking steps to change them?

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Filed under parenting, unschooling

September 21, 2011 · 6:00 AM

Too shy? There’s a med for that.

Once you label me, you negate me.  ~Soren Kierkegaard

I am:

shy
ADD
depressed
anxious
too sensitive
bi-polar

ME.  I am me.  I won’t be defined by a label… not yours, not mine, and not the “experts'”.   I am me.

And my kids?  They’re my kids.  They’re people, each one of them individuals.  They are not a set of characteristics or facets or “quirks.”  They are not a description in a book or a pamphlet in the pediatrician’s waiting room.  They are not hypothetical.  They are not like anybody else. They are not mere ingredients of a whole, or something to be molded or refined or altered to fit into a certain box.    They do not need to be diagnosed.  They do not need to be labeled.

This article, from Health Impact News, says that 650,000 kids are already on Ritalin.   As if that’s not enough, children who are too quiet or ‘moody’ or not as social as their peers now “run the risk of being diagnosed with mental illnesses and given powerful drugs like Prozac, psychologists have warned.”  Not as chatty as the kid sitting next to you?  Must be social anxiety disorder.  Sad because your betta fish died?  Clearly you’re clinically depressed.  Voiced a contrary opinion to someone in charge?  Why, that’s surely caused by your oppositional defiant disorder.

I think the thing that bothers me the most about this disturbingly increasing use of labels (and subsequent dispensing of medication to “treat” them) is this end goal of making everyone somehow the same.  The quiet kids need to be more outgoing.  But not too outgoing.  The energetic kids need to calm down.  But not too much.  The kids who are too rigid and regimented need to relax.  But just a little.  The ones who are making up stories in their head and looking out the window… well, they need to learn. to. focus.   Let’s just take away all their differences, and all their uniqueness, and all their personalities.   Let’s make everyone NORMAL.

But wait.  I have a question.  Who the hell decides what “normal” is?  And why is it something I’d ever want myself or my kids to strive for? I don’t want “normal” lives for my kids. I want happy. I want healthy. I want full, and rich, and interesting.

I want them to know that there isn’t something wrong with them because they are too quiet. Or too loud. Or if they learn quickly or slowly or in a different way than the kid sitting next to them. Or walk differently or talk differently or think differently. I want them to know that they were created exactly the way they were created for a reason. I want them to know that they are not a label, and they are not a box-filler, and they are not automatically a member of whatever group someone else wants to lump them in with.

This is not to say that I think we should ignore it when our children are unhappy or struggling in some way. In fact the opposite is true. I think it’s our job as parents to continually ask ourselves how we can best meet their individual needs. I think it’s our job to ask ourselves what we could do make their lives even better. What we could do to help make their lives more happy and peaceful and fulfilling. They don’t need someone to try to fix them or change them to fit inside someone else’s ideal, but someone who’ll just love them, exactly as they are. Someone who will pay attention to their needs, support them in their interests, and respect their individuality. In the end, what they need is a parent who will stand up and say, “You know what, I’m on your side.”

When I first began writing this post, I was going to share my experiences as a parent to a child that everyone wanted to label from the time he was a toddler. But I’ve decided it’s not my story to tell. It’s his story, to eventually share or not share however he sees fit. I am not in his head, and I am not in his body. I’m just lucky enough to be his mom.

I can, however, tell you what it’s like to be me. I can tell you what it’s like to have the labels I’ve crossed out up above (which, by the way, are real words I’ve heard to describe myself at various times in my life). I can tell you that I am not those labels. I can tell you that I’m just me… with flaws and warts and awesomeness just like anyone else. I can tell you that I’ve learned that the minute I let myself get defined by a label is the minute that my life gets smaller, and the minute that the world gets a little less colorful and a little less free. It’s the minute that doors close instead of open, and the minute that the glass that was once half-full suddenly becomes bone dry.

I don’t want that for myself, and I don’t want it for my kids.

And so, we celebrate being authentically US. We celebrate differences. We recognize and embrace the fact that those differences that school or society might tell us are weird or crazy or wrong… are actually something pretty darn wonderful.

 

 

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Filed under kids, labels, parenting, unschooling

September 6, 2011 · 6:00 AM

Questions

(source)

“The unanswered questions aren’t nearly as dangerous as the unquestioned answers.”

I am a questioner.  I always have been.  I was the student that drove the teacher crazy, asking question after question (sometimes pertaining to the subject at hand, sometimes not)  Pre-kids, I worked in retail.  I worked my way up from part-time cashier to full-time manager in about 18 months, thanks in large part to my questioning nature.  I’m never satisfied with anything at face value … I always need to know more.  I want to know what, I want to know when, I want to know WHY.   And when I do I get an answer?  I question that too.

Questions are how we make sense of the world around us.  Questions are how we learn… not just about our external lives, but about ourselves.  How do we really know how we feel about something unless we question it?

It should come as little surprise then that my children love to question as well.  I welcome and encourage any and all questions, including – or especially – those that people consider to be of a sensitive nature.  It makes no practical difference to me.  “Mommy, why is the sky blue?” and “Mommy, what does ‘gay’ mean?” will both receive the same amount of respect and attention.  An honest question deserves an honest answer, regardless of where it came from.

I’m thinking of questions today because of this.  Chaz Bono is going to be a contestant on Dancing with the Stars this season, and it has apparently caused a whole bunch of ruffled feathers.  Parents are publicly complaining, lambasting ABC, and boycotting the show.  People are worried that their children are going to ask questions, and this makes them uncomfortable.  I have a question for those parents, but first an observation or two:  1.  The great thing about television is that you always have the right to choose.  If you don’t like the fact that’s he on the show, you can simply not watch. And 2. The show is called Dancing with the Stars, not The Intimate Details of Chaz Bono’s Private Life.  It’s a dancing competition, not a documentary.  I’m not really sure why his gender is even at issue.

My question though is this…. If you watch, and if the issue of transgenderism is raised, and if your child asks questions (an awful lot of “ifs”), why are those questions a bad thing?  What exactly is the fear there?  It seems to me that we should be glad as parents that our children feel close enough and comfortable enough to come to us with their questions, of all sort.  They are going to ask someone their questions, and I would far rather it be me than Google,or a random child on the playground.  Even if you don’t agree with Chaz Bono’s lifestyle choices, your distaste doesn’t make him cease to exist.  Your discomfort doesn’t negate your child’s prerogative to ask questions about something that he/she doesn’t understand.   They have a right to be curious, and they have a right to an answer.  There is always something you can say, even if it’s “You know what, that question really caught me off guard.  Let me think about how to explain it for a minute.”  So often though, the answer they’re looking for is really much more simple than we make it.  And if they need more information, they will ask!

Kids will ask questions.

Kids will sometimes ask hard questions (and honestly, explaining what “transgendered” means is far from the hardest question I’ve ever had to answer).  I think it’s our job as parents to answer them openly, honestly, and simply… whether the questions are about blue skies and rainbows or gender and sexuality.

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September 5, 2011 · 5:30 AM

Won’t they just eat junk food all day?

This is all unschoolers eat, right?

“One question that I have from reading your blog, is how you reconcile your nutritional beliefs/values .. with the concept of unschooling – I ask this because this is a really difficult issue for me – letting go of media/bedtimes/respectful parenting, we are already somewhere down the line with all of this, but I cannot see myself buying “junk” food/keeping it in the house – I was just interested in your take on this.”

If you’ve ever watched one of those unabashedly biased nightly “news” pieces about unschooling – or read any number of unschooling articles in the mainstream media – you’ll know that unschoolers are often depicted as eating nothing but junk food all day.  Since they’re given the freedom to choose, they’re feasting on donuts and chips and sodas at all hours of the night and day… because that’s what a child would choose, right?  Because of pervasive misconceptions such as these, the above question is one that I receive often, in various forms.  Is that one area where you just don’t give them freedom?  Don’t you worry that they’ll choose nothing but junk food?  I know my child would just eat candy all day…

Let me start by saying that as someone who has studied nutrition, I do think it’s important to know about food.  Absolutely.  Parents are doing themselves and their children a disservice if they’re not educating themselves at least on the basics.  We should know what’s in the food we’re eating, and why some choices are better than others.  Why the white flour products don’t have the nutrition of their whole grain counterparts.  Why commercially grown produce is so inferior to that which is grown organically.  Why packaged “kids” foods like Goldfish crackers are no different nutritionally than feeding your kids cookies (in fact, as long as I’d made them myself, I’d much prefer the cookies).  As parents we should know why it’s not a super idea to be serving up hot dogs or boxed macaroni and cheese or chicken nuggets with any regularity.  If for no other reason, because we can’t expect our kids to understand what it means to eat a clean, healthful diet if we don’t understand it ourselves.

From an unschooling perspective, I also believe that eating is personal.  Just like adults, kids should have autonomy when it comes to what they do and do not put in their body, at what time, and for what reason.  THEY are the ones who know when they are hungry, when they are full, what makes them feel good, and what doesn’t… not their parents, and not the clock.  And yes,  I believe in freedom and choices when it comes to food.  I believe that eating should be both functional and pleasurable, not something to be used as reward or punishment or fodder for a battle.  None of the above is healthy (either physically or mentally) and it hurts me as both an unschooler and as a nutritional consultant to see the pressure, control, and stress that parents will sometimes place on their children over the issue of food.

So to answer the original question from up above:  how do I reconcile the two perspectives?  I buy lots of interesting, real, whole foods.   We don’t eat fast food  – no one ever asks –  and we rarely buy boxed, bagged or otherwise processed stuff.  We involve the kids in the entire process, and everyone gets an equal say in what we’ll eat for the week.  We look up new recipes together.  We talk about the pros and cons of various “diets” our friends or families are trying.  We give the kids freedom, choices, and information.   They know why we buy what we regularly buy, and they also know that on those occasions that they ask for chips, candy or other “extras”, that the answer will be YES.  They are welcome to eat anything in the cabinet, refrigerator or freezer anytime… whether it’s before dinner, after dinner, or during dinner.

I think one big misconception that people have about this is that giving kids freedom and choices means just leaving them the heck alone, keeping the pantry stocked with Cheetos, soda, and Ring Dings, and letting them have at it.  That can’t be much further from the truth.  We maintain an open line of communication about food like we do everything else, and we stock the house with the things that they love, enjoy, or want to try.  Nine times out of ten they’re snacking on fruits, vegetables, and nuts because that’s what they choose.  But if they’re craving cookies, we’ll make some.  If they’re craving cupcakes, we’ll make those too.  If they’re craving cheap, sugary, artificially dyed confections from the dollar store, I’ll drive them.

The question remains though…. What would I do if it went too far and one of my kids suddenly wanted to eat nothing but junk food, white flour, and candy?  It’s honestly never been an issue.  They know real food, and they know that that isn’t it.  They know that those things don’t make them feel good.  And sure, they enjoy candy now and then.  They like ice cream as much as the next guy.  And would they happily eat pizza, pretzels, and potato chips at a Super Bowl party?  You bet.   But because none of it is “forbidden”, and they know that they’re always free to choose, they’ve learned to trust themselves, trust their bodies, and trust their instincts.

And I trust too.

 

I also wrote about food freedom in this post.

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Filed under food, freedom, nutrition, parenting, unschooling

August 17, 2011 · 6:30 AM

Breastfeeding in Public: Can we stop being stupid?

Fact: Breastfeeding in public is legal in all 50 states.

Fact: 45 states (including Texas) have specifically expressed, written laws further clarifying that a breastfeeding mother has the right to breastfeed her child anywhere and everywhere that she, the mother, has a legal right to be. (Check this link if you’re interested in state-by-state laws)

Fact: When employees at the Pure Fitness for Women club in Spring, Texas, asked a breastfeeding mother to move to a more “private” area, they were in fact breaking the law.

Those are facts. This is my opinion: I think it is completely and utterly ridiculous that breastfeeding moms are still, in 2011, having to deal with such ignorance and discrimination. Mothers have only been feeding their babies in this way since THE BEGINNING OF TIME. Long before the modern advent of formula and bottles, long before uptight misguided fitness club employees declared it inappropriate (while fellow patrons looked on in their barely-there lycra and spandex), long before we as a society lost sight of what was good and healthy and normal and right.

We are mammals, and that is how mammals feed their young. That’s a fact too. Your personal feelings of disagreement or discomfort can’t and don’t change biology. It bothers me – literally almost pains me – that people fail to recognize it for what it is: a mother feeding her baby in the way that her body was intended to feed a baby.

In an official statement following the incident, Pure Fitness made the following remarks:

“We have thousands of members’ children that do not understand,” the club stated. “At that age it is the discretion of the parent to determine if at a kids club age the child should learn about the benefits and reasons for breast feeding. We feel that children should not be exposed to these events without every parent being ok with their child being exposed to the action.”

I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but am I the only one who recognizes how ignorant – even stupid – these comments sound?

“We have thousands of members’ children that do not understand”. Such a tough thing to understand… A mom feeding a child. It’s a wonder my non-college educated brain could wrap itself around the concept soon enough to feed my own children. If a child asks, the answer is: “That’s how she feeds her baby. It’s how I fed you (or if you didn’t breastfeed, how Aunt Suzy or Grandma or the neighbor or someone else your child knows fed their baby)” It’s not rocket science, folks.

“At that age it is the discretion of the parent to determine if at a kids club age the child should learn about the benefits and reasons for breast feeding.”
Benefits and reasons? Sure, a 5 year old doesn’t necessarily need a detailed list of the physical and emotional benefits of breastfeeding for the mother and child, nor would he even understand it all. But the act of eating and getting nourishment is something even a baby can understand. It is, again, a biological necessity, and one that is appropriate for discussion with any and ALL ages. Is there honestly a mother out there who would not want her child to know about the “benefits and reasons” for breastfeeding?

“We feel that children should not be exposed to these events without every parent being ok with their child being exposed to the action.” I feel like I’m just repeating myself now, but “these events”, this “action” in question was a MOM FEEDING HER BABY. Can I say that again?

This was a mom feeding her baby.

She was exercising her right – both her human right and the right given to her by law – to feed her hungry child.

She wasn’t doing anything wrong.
She wasn’t doing anything indecent.
She wasn’t doing anything inappropriate.
She wasn’t doing anything illegal.

She was feeding a child. And she was asked to leave.

It’s 2011. I’d like to think I live in the real world, most of the time, but I’m having a very hard time understanding why we haven’t come further than this. We should be informed by now. We should be enlightened by now. Can we please, please, stop being so stupid?

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Filed under attachment parenting, breastfeeding, hot topics, parenting, rant

August 12, 2011 · 1:11 PM

I peed on the potty, YAY!

(source)

Do you use a toilet?

I’m going to take a stab and say that if you’re reading this that 1) you do in fact use a toilet and that 2) you generally make it to the toilet in time, without anyone’s reminder or assistance (barring any illness or special circumstance).

Do you know when it was that you started using it? Do you know when your friends or coworkers or classmates started using it? Again, I’m going to take a stab and guess that you do not. Even if we *did* know, it’s not something we really talk about. (Well, wait. I do know a few adults who talk about bodily functions more than is normally considered socially acceptable… but that’s neither here nor there) It’s just a normal, biological, every-day sort of thing that every man, woman and child takes time out of his or her day to attend to. It’s of absolutely zero importance when you started doing it.

So here’s what I’m wondering:

Why, when we know that it’s something that everyone’s going to eventually do anyway, do parents make themselves, their child, and oftentimes everyone around them crazy over the process of potty training? Why act as though it’s some sort of contest? Why the pressure, the sticker charts, the rewards, the punishments, the rush? What on earth is the BIG RUSH?

I have four children. As of just a few days ago, all four of them use the toilet all day, every day. Like with anything else, it was an individual journey for each of them.

With #1, I think I got lucky… I didn’t really do anything that I’d now consider “right”, but I didn’t really do anything I’d consider wrong either. He easily made the transition when he was around 2.5

With #2, I bungled it six ways to Sunday. He simply wasn’t ready at the same age as my first. He passed three. He passed three and half. He adamantly refused to even try it. It stressed me out. I stressed HIM out. I tried many of the things I mentioned above (things I cringe to think about now): I cajoled, I bribed, I made sticker charts, I pressured. The more I pushed, the more he resisted. It wasn’t until he turned four that I finally asked myself, “What am I doing?” Was his being potty trained by a certain age (which wasn’t happening anyway) more important than our relationship, or more important than treating him with respect, or more important than allowing him his right to autonomy over something as personal as using the bathroom? I let go of the stress, released him of my pressure, and said what I should have said all along: He’ll do it when he’s ready. And very shortly after that, he did. I promised myself that if I was ever blessed with more kids, I wouldn’t make the same mistakes again. And true to my word, when #3 and #4 became toddlers, I remembered what I’d learned.

Everett’s been using the toilet for a good 4 or 5 years now, but since the girl is still new to whole pottying scene, I thought I’d share the intricate method that got her there while it was still fresh in my mind.

Ready?

1. I waited until she was ready.

2. …. that’s it. I waited until she was ready.

A few weeks ago, we forgot to buy diapers and we ran out (and when I say forgot, I mean we literally forgot, not a calculated, purposeful “forgot”) I don’t remember the exact circumstances, but they were such that we couldn’t run out and get her more diapers at the moment, so we told her she’d need to use the toilet. And she did, all day, without a problem. After that, she still wanted her diapers, but she started to use the toilet more and more. She was proud of herself; she told me how easy it was. She started wearing underwear just as often as diapers. This past Tuesday, we all went out to an amusement park. She was all dressed, wearing underwear, and I asked her if she wanted to change before we left (she’d never left the house without a diaper before) She told me no, and I told her to let us know if she had to use the bathroom when we were there. She used their bathroom like she’d been doing it all her life, and that was that.

She’s been in underwear ever since.

We bought her a new doll she’s been wanting in celebration… not in a “if you keep your underwear dry, we’ll buy you a baby” kind of way, but in the same way I’d bake cupcakes for my husband to celebrate a promotion, or any other life event that he’s proud of. She is proud, as it’s still a big deal to her. I’m celebrating that, and enjoying that, because I know it won’t last long. I know that it’ll just be a matter of time before she’s as blasé as the rest of us. (When was the last time you heard an adult proclaim, “I peed on the potty! Yay!”?)

As much as parents can stress about it when it comes to their toddlers, and conversely take it for granted when it comes to adults, it’s a milestone. One that she met easily and naturally in her own way in her own time, because she was given the space to do so.

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Filed under gentle parenting, parenting, unschooling

August 9, 2011 · 6:30 AM

Children Are Not Baked Goods

So you want to make a cake.

You consult your recipe, you lay out all your ingredients, and you preheat your oven. You meticulously follow each and every step… carefully measuring, pouring, and mixing. You dot your i’s and cross your t’s and lovingly place it in the oven.

With a little bit of luck, your cake will rise. It will be moist and springy, flavorful but not too sweet. You’ll look at its beautiful exterior and lightly golden hue and you’ll pronounce yourself a fabulous baker. So fabulous, in fact, that when you want to make the exact same cake again and don’t have the same ingredients, you’ll try to wing it. You’ll leave out the eggs. You’ll substitute oil for butter. You’ll use flour made from almonds instead of wheat. You’ll sweeten it with honey instead of sugar.

It won’t work.

But I’m such a great baker! I had such a terrific recipe! I had such high hopes!

The fact is, you can’t bend the will of a set of ingredients to make them into the cake that you envisioned. It doesn’t work that way.

And parenting doesn’t work that way either. Children are not baked goods. They don’t come to us as a set of raw ingredients that we then fashion into something of our own choosing.

Children are fruit.

An apple growing on a tree knows what to do. It grows, all on its own. It does not exist to serve as a potential pie or cider or muffin, but rather as a perfect piece of growing fruit right. now. From the moment that it came into being, it already knew what it was going to be… how big or how small, how red or how green, how tangy or how sweet. It’s not ever going to be exactly like the one next to it, and we wouldn’t expect it to be. It is unique and beautiful and whole just as it is.

(source)

Our job then isn’t to try to mix it and change it and create something with it… our job is to simply nurture it, and let it do its thing.

Our job is to give it warmth, shelter, and nourishment. Our job is to lovingly tend to its needs, protect it from harm, and ultimately give it space to grow. Sometimes…. well, sometimes we get to sit back and just… watch. Watch and enjoy how big and how strong and how amazing our little apple has become.

And an apple (or a child or a street sweeper or a brain surgeon) that’s appreciated and valued and accepted for what it is – and not what we try to make it – will always be infinitely better, and happier, than anything we could have possibly created from the sum of its parts.

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August 1, 2011 · 6:30 AM

Why I Don’t Pick My Battles

I recently received an email from someone looking for some gentle suggestions for her two year old, who’d been continually testing limits and responding to requests to do just about anything with a resounding, “no.”   It is a question I get a lot, and believe me when I say:

I understand.

I do.  It’s hard to be 2, 3, 4.  Hard on the child, and by extension, hard on the parents as well.  I don’t think any age has taught me more, inspired me more, and challenged me more than the toddler and preschool years.  Those are the years that I most have to practice patience.  Those are the years that I most need to count to ten (or 392) before responding to certain behavior.  Those are the years that make me a better mother.

That’s nice, you’re thinking, but what do I do about it?

A big problem for the littlest kids is a sense of frustration at not having control over a world where so many decisions are made for them.  A lot of people will advise that you “pick your battles”….. decide what areas in which you can give your child some freedom, and what areas in which you need to stand your ground.  And for a long time, I would have told you the same thing.   Seems like sensible advice, right?

But I don’t pick my battles anymore.

I don’t want to view any interaction with my children as a battle.  A battle implies that it is me versus them, and that there will ultimately be a winner and a loser…  I get my way this time, and they get their way next time.  What I want instead is to find our way.  I want my children to know that I am their partner, and that I am on their side.  Is it just a matter of semantics? Maybe. But if my goal is to have a closer, more harmonious and connected relationship with my children, I can’t imagine that thinking of a word as acrimonious as “battle” will help me get there.

When I find that I’m going through a more difficult patch with any of my kids (and it happens sometimes, especially when they’re little) the first thing I try to do is to take a giant step backwards to look at the situation with a fair perspective.  I focus on the child – and our relationship – rather than whatever the behavior is that I’m finding frustrating/annoying/hurtful.  I know that when I’m uncharacteristically snapping at my kids, picking fights with my husband, or generally pissed off at the world, there’s a reason for it. Address the reason, and the issue will go away… address my behavior, and it’s only going to tick me off more. Why would we think kids would be any different?  If it was in fact me with the “bad behavior” I would want someone to listen to me, and empathize with me.  I would want someone to sincerely ask, “What can I do to help?”

I want to be that person for my kids.

So often with my three year old the problem is one of two things:  either she’s not feeling connected to me, or she’s feeling frustrated from a lack of autonomy.  Maybe I’ve been too wrapped up in other things.  Maybe I’ve gotten complacent and have been giving her too many knee-jerk responses.  Maybe I just haven’t been there the way that I should.  So rather than “pick my battles” I do very nearly the opposite:

I get re-connected.  I renew my commitment to being as present as I possibly can.  I make our relationship (not my desire to have things done a certain way) the top priority.  I say yes.  When I remain open, flexible, and creative, I can meet her needs and mine, without ever resorting to a battle.

She doesn’t want me to comb her hair?  No problem.  We’ll do it another time, with lots of conditioner and lots of laughs while she plays in the tub.

She doesn’t want to put on her shoes?  She doesn’t have to.   I’ll bring them along, and put them in the car so she has them when she needs them.

She doesn’t want to sit at the table at dinner time?    That’s very normal for a three year old.  We can make her a monkey platter, and she can eat from it when she’s hungry.

She wants to wear rain boots, tights, a tutu, and her brother’s t-shirt… all on top of a Spiderman costume?  Her choice to make.

And when those times come when I truly do have to say ‘no’?  She accepts it, because she knows that what matters to me most is not blind compliance, but her.  She knows that I will always strive to meet her needs, to listen to her wants, and to HEAR what she has to say.  Which, after all, is all she really wanted in the first place.

Isn’t that what all of us want?

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July 27, 2011 · 9:44 AM

I Choose "Yes"

When I was in high school, my favorite pair of jeans (ever) were stolen from the locker room during a soccer game.  And once, I lost an earring – one with great sentimental value – never to be found again.   Both were very upsetting to me.  I want my kids to be prepared for upsetting things to happen to them too, so sometimes I take their favorite things and throw them away… because they have to learn about disappointment.

Another time, I ran out of gas.  It was long before cell phones, and I was in a rural area, so I had to walk for help.  I want my kids to be prepared for that too.  So we periodically drive into the middle of nowhere, park the car, and have everyone walk back to civilization.  We don’t pack water either, because they might get caught without it one day, and they need to learn what it’s like.

The past few years I’ve had some health issues that have resulted in three different surgeries.  I feel my kids need to learn what that’s like too (it could happen to them someday!) so I periodically arrange to get them beds in the local ER, so they can hang out and get the experience first hand.

I once had a verbally abusive boyfriend.  He liked to tell me how ugly I was, how much he hated my hair, and why I needed to lose weight.  I had a mean and angry boss once, too.  She was the kind of person who wasn’t content to just be miserable by herself, so she shared her misery with everyone around her.  Both made me feel terrible about myself.  I know my kids could encounter people like this one day too, so I make sure to insult them from time to time so they’ll learn how to deal with it. 

Does any of this sound…. illogical… to you?

That is exactly how I feel every time I hear the familiar adage that states that, “kids need to hear the word ‘no’.”  Experts and parents alike worry that they’ll become spoiled and entitled if they’re not told no often enough. We shouldn’t “give in” to too many of their wishes because life is going to be full of rejection, and they need to get used to it now.

The logic is lost on me.  Purposely doing something unpleasant because they may experience the same unpleasant thing in the future makes no kind of logical sense to me.

I choose to focus on joy.  I choose to say, “YES.”  Yes to what, you ask?  Yes to anything and everything I possibly can!

Yes to cupcakes for breakfast.
Yes to jumping in mud puddles.
Yes to wearing pajamas to the store.

I just say yes.  I want their lives to be as rich and as full and as interesting as I can possibly make them.  They didn’t ask to be here… I CHOSE to have them.  And now I choose to share with them as abundantly as I possibly can.   I want them to enjoy life, to embrace life, and to know that it is full of possibilities.  I want them to know that they are heard and respected and a valued member of the family.  I want them to know that they can do anything and be anything that they desire.

But come on, you argue, sometimes you have to say no.  Of course: sometimes safety, logistics, or respect for others precludes a “yes.”   But all too often a parent’s default response is” no” for no good reason.  We’re too tired.  It’s too messy.  It’s inconvenient.  We don’t feel like it.  And besides, we reason, it’s good for them.  Kids need to hear the word no!   How else will they learn to handle it when they hear it later?  Won’t they have a hard time accepting it?

Actually, kids who aren’t given arbitrary “nos” tend to be very accepting of the necessary ones.   When I tell my children “no”, they know that there’s a reason for it, and they respect it.   But my life, and theirs, became infinitely better the day I decided to start saying “yes” more often.   And the more yeses that they hear, the better equipped they are to deal with the occasional nos.

Because I’m not arguing that there won’t be some inevitable ‘nos’ in life:  Of course there are nos, from small to large:  “No, you can’t come in the store barefoot.”   “No, you didn’t get the job as there was someone more qualified.”

I would argue that the ones who are best able to deal with it are those that are happy, confident, and fully engaged in life.  Those who realize that life is living, and that it is full of choices.  People who are secure and well-adjusted don’t have a problem with a “no shirts, no shoes, no service” rule (or any kind of logical rule for that matter). People who are confident and self-assured don’t let one potential employer’s rejection stop them from pursuing their dreams. 

I don’t give my children arbitrary nos just because I can.  (I also don’t steal their things, drop them in the wilderness, take them to the hospital, or treat them unkindly.)  What I do do, is treat them the way that I’d like to be treated.  I treat them in such a way that they are growing up happy, and confident, and self-assured… so that when those inevitable bumps in life do come, they can say, “You know what?  I can handle this.”

And it starts with saying yes.

Life is short.  Life is so short!  We’re not guaranteed another day with our children.  We’re not guaranteed another hour with our children.   I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to have the regret of not giving enough to my children when I had the chance…. not enough of my time, not enough of my attention, not enough of ME.  This is it.  This is the time we’ve been given. 

If you’re reading this, I want you to do something.  If your child asks you to do something today that you’d normally say no to, if there’s no real reason to say no (and there probably isn’t), just this once,

JUST SAY YES.

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