Category Archives: attachment parenting

May 18, 2012 · 7:41 AM

Extended Breastfeeding – Let’s Get Real

By now you’ve all seen it:  The Time cover with the young and beautiful mom breastfeeding a 3 or 4 year old boy, who for some reason is standing up on a chair as he nurses and stares down the camera.  If you’re like me, you’ve in fact seen it over and over (and over and over and over) in your Facebook news feed, accompanied by commentary and opinion on both sides of the issue.  Beautiful!  Love it!  Disgusting!  Perverted!

I have my own opinions… on the photo, on the sensational “Are you mom enough?” headline, on the act of breastfeeding a 3 or 4 year old in general.  But here’s the thing.  My opinion, your opinion, the opinion of the zillions of people who are freaking out about this cover… none of it changes the fact that what’s shown on that cover is normal.  It’s not wrong, it’s not disgusting, it’s not perverted.  It shouldn’t even be controversial.  It’s just…. biology.

I’m going to go over this one more time:

Humans are mammals.  Let’s just start there.  Humans are mammals, and mammals are biologically designed to get their early years’ nourishment from their mothers.   And even if mom doesn’t initiate cessation herself, the child will eventually fulfill his/her need and wean, at whatever age is appropriate for that child.  The appropriate age range is huge – just as it is for learning to walk, talk, and use the toilet – but being mammals, there are certain biological factors that point to what may be a natural and normal age for weaning.

You with me so far?

You may have heard that the worldwide average age for weaning is around 4.  I’m quite certain I’ve touted it myself.  But my recent readings have shown me that that number is not very meaningful, and in fact not necessarily even accurate.  So forget that number.   I’m not a math person, so words like “mean” and “median” tend to give me a headache anyway.

But I do love facts.

Here then are some facts about mammals and weaning*:

1.  Larger mammals usually nurse their offspring until they have quadrupled in body weight.  In humans, this happens around 2.5 to 3.5 years of age.

2.  One study of primates showed that offspring naturally nursed until they’d reached 1/3 of their adult body weight.  For humans, this means about 5 to 7 years.

3.  Another study compared weaning ages and sexual maturity, and suggested a weaning age of about halfway to sexual maturity… around 6 years old for a human.

4.  Still another study, conducted by Holly Smith on 21 different species of primates, showed that the offspring were weaned at the same time that they got their first set of permanent molars.   In humans, this happens at 5.5 to 6 years.

*Read A Natural Age of Weaning by Katherine Dettwyler for more.  She concludes a natural weaning age of anywhere from 2.5 to 7 years*

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends breastfeeding for at least a year.

The World Health Organization (WHO) now recommends breastfeeding for a minimum of two years.

And it should go without saying that the health and emotional benefits – both for mom and child – can’t be argued.

These are all facts.  Your discomfort or disagreement doesn’t change them.  It seems to me, given all of the above, that the question really shouldn’t be why or how moms like the ones on the cover of Time could breastfeed so long.  It should be why so many people are in a rush to wean so early.

20 Comments

Filed under attachment parenting, breastfeeding, parenting

April 13, 2012 · 9:14 AM

Positive Parenting in Action – Review & Giveaway

What we’re truly doing is going back to our heart – our humanity – to bring up our children in love, not fear.  ~ Rebecca Eanes & Laura Ling

Positive parenting is a concept that confuses a lot of people.  So ingrained is our society with the traditional, authoritarian style of parenting, people tend to assume that no punishments must surely equal no parenting.

The opposite is true.

Positive parenting is a highly responsive and attentive type of parenting, one in which our relationship with our children is paramount, and kids are guided (guided, not ignored) with love, respect, and kindness.  In short, positive parents treat their children they way they themselves would like to be treated.  The question that is on many people’s minds is, “But how do I do it?”

Positive Parenting in Action, a new ebook by Rebecca Eanes (owner and author of the Positive Parenting website, and the founder of the popular Facebook page, Positive Parenting:  Toddlers and Beyond) and Laura Ling, breaks it all down in a really lovely and encouraging way.   Instead of just offering up vague advice about what NOT to do, it instead gives the reader clear and loving examples on respectful ways to handle everything from tantrums to aggressive or dangerous behavior to sibling rivalry to potty learning.

Even with all of these examples (there are more than 50 pages worth of common scenarios), this is not a how-to book that a promises if you employ a specific method, your children will turn out a certain way.  In fact, as it says in the very beginning of the book, “Positive Parenting isn’t a method, but a philosophy – a way of seeing our children and our relationship with them.”  The common thread throughout all the parenting examples given is that connection with the child and maintaining a position of love and empathy are top priority.  All parent/child relationships are different, because all children are different. This book allows for that, while still holding the position that there is a always a way to respond with kindness and understanding rather than with anger or punishment.

I think what I loved most about this book is that it never once resorts to shaming parents into feeling like they’ve somehow failed, or like they’ve surely messed up their children by not doing things differently.  Instead it acts as both coach and cheerleader, offering both practical advice (and lots of it) as well as gentle encouragement to follow the innate, loving, Mama instinct that was there all along.

While it’s aimed at parents with children from ages 0 through 6, it feel it holds value for all parents wanting to learn more about the positive parenting philosophy…. from those with brand-new babies, to seasoned moms of four like myself.   I truly enjoyed this book, and gleaned much from its pages.

______________________________________________________________________________________

Want to a win free copy?  Just leave a comment telling me why you need to read this book.   Share the link to this post on Facebook and/or Twitter for up to two bonus entries (let me know which ones you’ve done.)  One lucky reader will be selected at random, and announced next Friday, April 20th.  Good luck!

Winner is Amy D!   Thanks everyone for participating!

Can’t wait to read it?  You can purchase a copy here.

16 Comments

Filed under attachment parenting, book reviews, gentle discipline, gentle parenting, giveaways

March 14, 2012 · 10:22 PM

Plane tickets & new chapters

 

The first time Mike and I were on an airplane together was on our honeymoon.  We were headed to Florida, to a condo that was graciously offered to us by a family friend.    We were all lovey and wide-eyed, and I remember actually feeling a little bit embarrassed about how loudly our appearance screamed, “Newlyweds.”  We were, like, twelve years old, and our wedding rings (which we have since ditched for matching silver bands with a quote in gaelic on them) were blindingly clean and sparkly.

The second time – of two – was right before we got pregnant with Spencer.  We were on our way to the Bahamas with my sister and her then boyfriend.  It was actually supposed to be a cruise (which we did take on the way back) but there was a fire on the ship, and we ended up having to fly there instead.   It was a fun trip to a cool resort with great music, all-night limbo parties, and my introduction to the drink called the Bahama Mama.

This morning, 16 years since the booze cruise Bahama vacation, he booked us two tickets to Chicago. Next month I’m going to accompany him on a 4 day business trip sans kids, which will mark the first time that we’ve gone away just the two of us since becoming parents, AND the first time I’ve spent more than a day away from the kids period (I’m not counting the time I was in the hospital for five days with my gall bladder issues.  I’m pretty sure there are different rules when you’re unconscious, losing bodily organs, or hopped up on morphine)

Not leaving the kids was not a conscious decision so much as a continuation of just following my heart and their lead.  I knew I’d do it when they were ready, and not a moment sooner.  We feel most happy and whole when we’re together, whether that means sticking around home, traveling across the country, or all those medium spots in between.

But there he was.  Asking me if I wanted to go with him to Chicago.  A year ago, I wouldn’t have even considered it.  Six months ago, I wouldn’t have even considered it.

This time though, I knew it was time.  And I was ecstatic about the prospect…. three whole days in a new-to-me city, just me and that husband of mine.  The kids are thrilled to spend a few days with their grandparents, and while I’ll miss them like crazy, I know that it’ll be a positive adventure for them as well.

I feel excited, I feel nervous… but mostly I feel an overwhelming sense of the bittersweet.  Not because I’m not sure if the kids are ready, but because I know that they are.

5 Comments

Filed under attachment parenting, family, kids, traveling

December 13, 2011 · 9:07 AM

A Recipe for Disaster?

Today’s guest post was written by my good friend, Amy. I think it’s important to note that I did not twist her arm to write it (in fact she took it upon herself without my knowledge. She’s sneaky like that) But she did have to twist my arm to get me to post it. Not because it wasn’t lovely and well-written, but because it’s a very odd and somewhat uncomfortable feeling to post something like that about yourself and kids, written by someone else. I resisted, and she said “Jen, you have to post it.” So I am.

Here it is; her response to those who are sure I’m raising future criminals.

No spanking, no time-outs, no parent induced bedtimes, no formal schooling…….recipe for disaster, right?

Attachment parenting, gentle parenting, radical unschooling are all catch phrases currently moving into mainstream society. My friend and owner of this blog, Jennifer McGrail, is an advocate for all of it. This is how her children are raised and let me tell you about these soon to be criminals, drunks, and wife beaters………….. She is praised by many and criticized by few. This is written for the few, from the perspective of a family friend who can’t say she, herself, has always practiced the above parenting philosophies but has observed the behavior of the four McGrail children extensively.

Let’s start with criminal #3, age seven. My son belongs to the same Boy Scout group with #3. At one of the meetings a uniform inspection is on the schedule. There are about 10 boys and the leader warns parents in an e-mail beforehand that he will try to be quick because he knows how hard it can be for the boys to stand still and wait while others are being inspected. The inspections are done in an orderly fashion. Like the leader indicated it was hard for most of the boys to wait patiently, quietly and calm. Nothing abnormal about that, right? They are all young, active boys. Here is the abnormal part: The winner is #3 and here is why he is the winner. Judging the uniforms alone created many ties, so they decided to look at behavior in line to come up with a winner. Guess who won the uniform inspection? #3, because he stood still with arms to his side, without talking and messing around all with his best friend standing right beside him. He didn’t do this because his parents threatened him or prepared him for this. HE JUST DID IT! Because he has self inflicted ideas about how he wants to present himself. Because he is allowed to grow without criticism, coercion, and with trust that he will make good decisions with unconditional love waiting when he doesn’t. That was just one situation, right, so now I’ll tell you the other stories. The ones where because he has never had a time-out, or been told what he must eat and at what time or when to go to bed, or spanked, must mean he is a crazy kid running around with no idea how to behave and headed to jail at an early age. Sorry, but I don’t have any of those. #3 is just a typical 7 year old boy that tends to know how to control his own behavior.

 

 

Moving on to #2, age 11. He, all on his own, manages a server for an online game that other children play. Just like life this game has gotten messy because children, like adults, don’t understand each other, get over emotional and react without thinking. One such situation happened and it destroyed most of the server. All the hard work that had been done was gone. #2 was MAD, steaming mad!!! He retaliated by writing about it on a forum that would be seen by many. He was asked by his mother, “Do you feel better?” “YES!” he said. She left him with his yes, and didn’t say another word. I’m not sure I could have done this. I probably would have had to explain how this wouldn’t help the matter and being the bigger person can make you feel better and on and on, but she didn’t do that. Guess what, not very long after posting what would have probably made matters worse – and yes he had a right to be mad because someone destroyed his server – he deleted the comments and decided he was going to rebuild the destroyed server. On top of that, he even built a special house on the server for the very person who had done the destroying. This 11 year old did what most adults can’t do. HE JUST DID IT!

 

 

#1 is age 14. Oh no, a teenager! I certainly can’t have anything to say about this guy. If he has been raised without rules and grounding he is surely out there with one foot in jail already. Actually, this 14 year old enjoys talking to and discussing life with this 41 year old. He is comfortable talking to me and his mom. He doesn’t mind hanging with us and gets our opinion about friends, life and girls. I don’t have teens yet, but I remember the teen years being hard. #1 teaches that it doesn’t have to be SO DARN HARD. Every single time I am around him, and that tends to be several times a week, he says, “I love being me!” Seriously, how many people, let alone a teen, loves being them? As adults we read books, go to counseling, and attend workshops to learn how to love ourselves. This 14 year old just does. What a head start he has on life. His joy for life radiates to others as well. My daughter has quoted him several times with lessons she has learned from this 14 year old boy. She is loving herself because of him. I’m pretty sure he is never going to beat his wife. A person who loves himself doesn’t beat others.

 

 

Now to #4, age 3. She is a typical 3 year old. She gets tired, throws tantrums, annoys her brothers, shares, doesn’t share, hugs, kisses, calls names…… but no worries. She has five role models that love her unconditionally. I look in those big, brown eyes and I see pure love, not a criminal.

 

 

These 4 children are all typical children in many ways. And yes, there are many typical children out there doing extraordinary things just like these children. But raising children without rules, time-outs, spankings, grounding, etc. does not produce criminals, alcoholics, wife beaters…………

I realize this isn’t really written to convince those criticizers that this type of parenting is the right way. Their minds are made up. This is written to those parents that were like me 11 years ago. I was looking for a different way to parent from the mainstream spanking, time-out, and grounding type of parenting. In many ways I did parent in a different way and took criticism, but if I had read an article like this one or known Jennifer McGrail eleven years ago, I would have had the support to know my instincts were right for me and my children. We are a better family for knowing the McGrail family.

Amy Travis is a former teacher, and an unschooling mom.  When she isn’t writing blog posts for other people, she enjoys throwing parties, making cake balls, and forcing encouraging this introvert to get out and be social every once in awhile.

5 Comments

Filed under attachment parenting, gentle parenting, guest posts, mindful parenting, misconceptions, parenting, unschooling

November 1, 2011 · 2:04 PM

Surprises

This guest post is by my dear friend, and all around awesome person, Alice.  Thanks so much, Alice, for letting me share your words!:

I’ve never really been a huge fan of surprises.  Not that I dislike flowers for no reason, or surprise packages that come in the mail, but I’ve always felt that looking forward to something great was half the fun.  So when I was pregnant with my 3 boys in 2004, 2006, and 2009, naturally my husband and I found out their genders at the ultrasounds.  In January of 2011, 19 weeks pregnant with our fourth and final baby, we brought our 3 boys with us to the ultrasound, expecting to find out I was carrying our 4th boy, and thrilled with the prospect of a baby of either gender.

Have you ever been surprised speechless?  How about surprised into a panic attack where it literally feels like time stops, as well as your heart?

When the ultrasound technician dropped the bombshell that I was carrying not one but two baby girls, there are no words to describe my range of emotions.  But I am nothing if not a planner, and as I was already halfway through my pregnancy, I felt an urgency in preparing for two bitsy girls.  Desperate for resources, I scoured the internet for tips, ideas, and been there done that suggestions on parenting twins.  I read twin message boards, and everyone who knew someone with twins in real life told me all about it.

I had attachment parented all 3 of my boys.  Co-sleeping, babywearing, nursing on demand and following their leads on just about everything felt natural to me, and judging by how happy and healthy my boys are, it worked out pretty well for them too.  But the majority of what I was reading and hearing about twins was all about bottlefeeding, schedules, crying it out, and figuring out how to get that much-touted “me time.”  And that led to yet another surprise – fear.  I was scared.

 

Was it even possible to still be an attached parent with not just two newborns, but a 7, 5 and just turned 2 year old as well?  Would I be forced to nurse the girls on a schedule?  Would I get any sleep at all?  And where would I sleep?  We have a king sized bed, but my two year old was still sleeping in it with us.

I’m not going to keep you in suspense, so here’s the short answer: YES!  Attachment parenting is not only possible with multiples, it’s a godsend.  Every family will probably have slightly different solutions, but here is what works for us.  Since we don’t even own a crib, and had no intention of buying one (or of separating the girls from each other), their room has a full size bed.  One side has a rail, and the 3 of us sleep in there together.  I nurse the girls on demand – sometimes they nurse together and sometimes they nurse alone. This nighttime arrangement has been such a blessing in so many ways.  Anyone with more than one baby can tell you that the more children you have, the less one-on-one time you get with each.  And although I hold my girls as much as possible, I’m simply unable to carry or wear them as much as I did my boys.  But every night all night, I’m there with my girls.  It’s best for them, and oh so healing and restorative for me.  Any guilt I feel over not being as attached as I would like to be during the day dissipates each night as we lie together in the dark.

Over the 7 years that I’ve been a mother, I’ve amassed quite the collection of baby carriers.  Slings, moby wrap, Storchenwiege, mei tais – and all of them have seen heavy use with the boys.  They do sell baby carriers for twins, but none seemed especially comfortable or practical for mom or babies.  Most of the twin moms online wore one baby on front and one on back, either in a moby wrap/mei tai combo, or 2 mei tais.  Here’s the problem – those babies were all 6 months and up, and I just couldn’t find much about how to wear 2 newborns.  And now I know why – it’s hard.

I was lucky enough to have my parents stay at my house to help for a really long time (6 weeks before the girls were born and almost a month after), so there was usually an extra set of arms for a snuggly newborn.  But when there wasn’t, I found the best way to manage was to wear one baby in a sling and to carry the other baby face down lying on my left arm.  I alternated which baby went in the sling so each got a chance to snuggle next to my heart.  And my left arm?  Let’s just say if you challenge me to an arm-wrestling match you’ll probably lose.  That left arm is badass, all on its own.

When the girls were still very small, I wore them together in the moby wrap next to each other.

 

When they were old enough, right around 4 months, I was able to wear them in the mei tais, one on front and one on back.

 

But I’ll be honest – that is physically exhausting and I only do it if I really need to.  I still prefer to wear one baby in the sling (on my hip now) and hold the other baby in that badass left arm.  And it has gotten easier as the girls have gotten older – they like to be on the floor with a few toys, and are already mobile at 5 months.  That presents new challenges, but my arms are free more often to do things with my boys again.

Here is the most important thing I can say to anyone wondering if they can attachment parent multiples: YOU. CAN. DO. IT.

It won’t always be easy but you don’t have to sacrifice the beautiful benefits of attachment parenting because you’re lucky enough to be blessed with more than one baby.

I am not a superhero.  I am not gifted with limitless patience.

I am not doing anything that you yourself can’t do if you want it badly enough.

The hard days have been the hardest of my life.  Long days where the babies, my 2 year old and I are all crying, me hardest of all.  Days where there isn’t enough of me to go around, where I need 4 more arms and a truckload more patience.  Days where the babies cry and my first thought is, “I am NOT breastfeeding again.”

But I do.

And as I look down at my little bitsy girls, who often hold hands while they nurse, I’m grateful that their need for nourishment forces me to slow down and hold them.  Before I know it, they’ll be grown and the hard days of life with 5 small children will be just memories.  I’m doing my best to make the memories happy ones, one moment at a time.

And you know, just maybe I’m a fan of surprises after all.

 

Alice Davis is an Army wife, mother of five, and probably the last person on earth who doesn’t have a blog.  She loves to talk about unschooling, attachment parenting, and mothering multiples.  In her copious amounts of free time, Alice sells handmade baby hats and tutus in her etsy shop (www.etsy.com/shop/AlicesHandmadeCrafts).

 

38 Comments

Filed under attachment parenting, gentle parenting, guest posts

October 17, 2011 · 2:30 PM

The Problem with Easy


Parenting is hard.  Let me just begin with that general statement.  I don’t care if you’re a stay at home parent, or work outside the home, a single parent, a co-parent, a younger parent, or an older parent.  Raising another human is hard work.  It’s a 24 hour a day, 7 day a week job, with no sick days and no days off.   It’s hard, and anyone who tells you differently is either not doing a very good job, or lying.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise then that so much of conventional parenting advice seems to be aimed not at improving the life of the child, but at making things easier for the parent.    Did you ever think about it?  New moms are bombarded with information on how they should train their new child to sleep through the night … then Mom won’t have to get up with baby anymore, and she won’t be as tired.    They’re given tips and fancy methods of ensuring their child is potty trained by 23 months, because they shouldn’t have to worry about fussing with diapers for a day more than 2 years.  They’re advised to plan naps around their schedule, to put kids in a time-out when they “misbehave”, and to completely ignore them when they have a tantrum.

Here’s the thing:  No one ever said that parenting is supposed to be convenient.  It’s not.  Good parenting is messy.  It’s real.  It’s hands-on.  It’s in the middle of the night, and it’s in the middle of a crowded supermarket.

Yes, it would be easier if kids slept through the night from the get-go.  But not only do very few babies naturally sleep through the night, they are not designed to do so.  They have tiny bellies, and they get hungry frequently.  They get lonely.  They get they scared.  They want the warmth and comfort of their mom.  It’s our job to be there for them, to love and care for them …. day and night.

Yes, it would be easier not to change diapers for 3 years, but some children simply aren’t ready before then.  It’s our job to be respectful of their needs, of their bodies, and of their individual time table.

Yes, it would be easier if we could plan our days around conveniently scheduled nap times and eating times and play times.  But kids aren’t robots for us to program.  They’re people.   Just like us, they have their own internal mechanism telling them when they are hungry and when they are tired, and also like ours, it ebbs and flows with the changing seasons.   It’s not our job to expect our kids to fit neatly into our own unchanged lives, but to remain flexible, and patient, and recognize that once we have children we need to change from a couple dynamic to a family dynamic… one in which every voice matters.

Yes, it would be easier to make a whole bunch of rules, to never have to worry about our children straying or getting hurt or getting themselves in trouble.  But children need to play.  They need freedom.  They need parents who support them and cheer for them.  Parents who help them when they need it, and give them space when they do not.

Yes, it would be easier not to deal with the tantrums and the difficult moments.  It would be easier to lose our patience, to send the offending party to his or her room, and to dole out an arbitrary (and unnecessary) punishment.  But doing so does not help your child OR you.  It doesn’t help your relationship.

Being a mindful and conscious parent means doing just that:  being there.   It means being there, right there in the moment, and not taking the easy way out.  It means counting to ten (or fifty or 172) so that you don’t respond in anger.  It means getting down on your child’s level, and talking to him or her.  It means being kind and empathetic.  It means treating your child the way you yourself would like to be treated.  (I don’t know about you, but I would not like to be ignored or banished to another room to when I was upset about something.  I would want to be heard, and I would want to know that someone cared. )  It means apologizing when you screw up – because you will screw up – and it means standing up and being a parent even during the hard moments.  The uncomfortable moments.  The moments when you’re tired and cranky and oh so tempted to fall back on “easy.”

Being the kind of parent I want to be isn’t easy.  It’s hard.  Some days it’s very hard.  But I don’t think something that important should be easy.  It should take work, and commitment, and love, and heart, and a really good sense of humor.   If you’re moving from an authoritarian style of parenting to one based on partnership I can’t tell you that there won’t be good days and bad days, and I can’t tell you that you won’t sometimes feel like you’re taking one step forward and two steps back.   But I can tell you – promise you even – that it will be worth it.   Good relationships with your kids (or with anyone for that matter) are always worth it.

And that is so much better than easy.

29 Comments

Filed under attachment parenting, gentle discipline, gentle parenting, mindful parenting, parenting, Uncategorized

September 30, 2011 · 10:40 AM

Us Time

A little more than two weeks ago, I announced my inspired plan to institute a little bit of a schedule.  In this daily schedule (or rhythm or whatever you’d like to call it) was an entire block of time devoted to blogging, writing, and “me time” in general.  It was a brilliant plan, and it was going to be great.

Yeah.  Not so much.

And I could say I’m disappointed, and I could express some frustration, except … this is clearly the way it’s supposed to be right now, it really is:  Spending my days’ energy on the kids and their needs and their pursuits (and enjoying it), and stealing my moments to shower go to the bathroom rest blog or write or pursue some other passion whenever I can get them.   I know as well as anyone that they are only young once, and that this time in their life goes so quickly.  So, so quickly!!  And that right now, my own personal pursuits can wait, or be attended to bit by bit.  Theirs cannot, or should not.  And it’s not about putting myself last, or giving something up, but about putting my family FIRST.

There is such a huge societal push to get away from your kids.  You need “me” time.  You need “girl” time.  You need “couple” time.  Sign them up for classes, sign *yourself* up for classes, get them out of the house.  Get a sitter, get a sitter, get a sitter.   And I’m not saying that any of those things are bad in and of themselves… it’s just that my heart tells me there’s another way.  It doesn’t have to be “me” time or “kid” time.   It doesn’t have to mean, as has been insinuated to me by others, that my life is too kid-centric.  As far as I’m concerned, right now is US time.  Me and the kids and the husband.  Our family should be the priority… not me, not him, not the kids, but the family.  If, within that framework of family, something feels off-balance, then we deal with it.  But right now, while the kids are young, spending time with them comes first.

In our family (there’s my disclaimer – our family), that has meant not leaving them with sitters.   It has meant being creative about “couple” time and enjoying our literally once a year movie date.  It has meant spending vacations and weekends and days off as a family.  It has meant not leaving them even with relatives before they were ready, and yes, it has meant willingly postponing – oftentimes again and again – my own pursuits if it meant too much time away from them.   It’s not yet the time for me to spend the hours needed in a studio to get certified to teach yoga.  It’s not yet the time for me to spend the hours of study needed to take the personal trainer exam.  It’s not yet the time for me to spend the hours at the computer needed to turn my writing from a hobby into a career.

I have never, ever heard somebody get to the end of their life and say, “You know what?  I wish I hadn’t spent so much time with my kids.”  But I’ve heard the opposite far too many times, and I don’t want to be that person.

And it doesn’t mean that I won’t take time for myself, or time for my husband, or for writing or for blogging or for anything else that comes down the pike and strikes my fancy.  It just means that right now, in this season, I need to spend more time being fully present for this:

And this:

And this:


And perhaps having a little less time to write about it.

And that’s okay.

12 Comments

Filed under about me, attachment parenting, parenting

August 17, 2011 · 6:30 AM

Breastfeeding in Public: Can we stop being stupid?

Fact: Breastfeeding in public is legal in all 50 states.

Fact: 45 states (including Texas) have specifically expressed, written laws further clarifying that a breastfeeding mother has the right to breastfeed her child anywhere and everywhere that she, the mother, has a legal right to be. (Check this link if you’re interested in state-by-state laws)

Fact: When employees at the Pure Fitness for Women club in Spring, Texas, asked a breastfeeding mother to move to a more “private” area, they were in fact breaking the law.

Those are facts. This is my opinion: I think it is completely and utterly ridiculous that breastfeeding moms are still, in 2011, having to deal with such ignorance and discrimination. Mothers have only been feeding their babies in this way since THE BEGINNING OF TIME. Long before the modern advent of formula and bottles, long before uptight misguided fitness club employees declared it inappropriate (while fellow patrons looked on in their barely-there lycra and spandex), long before we as a society lost sight of what was good and healthy and normal and right.

We are mammals, and that is how mammals feed their young. That’s a fact too. Your personal feelings of disagreement or discomfort can’t and don’t change biology. It bothers me – literally almost pains me – that people fail to recognize it for what it is: a mother feeding her baby in the way that her body was intended to feed a baby.

In an official statement following the incident, Pure Fitness made the following remarks:

“We have thousands of members’ children that do not understand,” the club stated. “At that age it is the discretion of the parent to determine if at a kids club age the child should learn about the benefits and reasons for breast feeding. We feel that children should not be exposed to these events without every parent being ok with their child being exposed to the action.”

I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but am I the only one who recognizes how ignorant – even stupid – these comments sound?

“We have thousands of members’ children that do not understand”. Such a tough thing to understand… A mom feeding a child. It’s a wonder my non-college educated brain could wrap itself around the concept soon enough to feed my own children. If a child asks, the answer is: “That’s how she feeds her baby. It’s how I fed you (or if you didn’t breastfeed, how Aunt Suzy or Grandma or the neighbor or someone else your child knows fed their baby)” It’s not rocket science, folks.

“At that age it is the discretion of the parent to determine if at a kids club age the child should learn about the benefits and reasons for breast feeding.”
Benefits and reasons? Sure, a 5 year old doesn’t necessarily need a detailed list of the physical and emotional benefits of breastfeeding for the mother and child, nor would he even understand it all. But the act of eating and getting nourishment is something even a baby can understand. It is, again, a biological necessity, and one that is appropriate for discussion with any and ALL ages. Is there honestly a mother out there who would not want her child to know about the “benefits and reasons” for breastfeeding?

“We feel that children should not be exposed to these events without every parent being ok with their child being exposed to the action.” I feel like I’m just repeating myself now, but “these events”, this “action” in question was a MOM FEEDING HER BABY. Can I say that again?

This was a mom feeding her baby.

She was exercising her right – both her human right and the right given to her by law – to feed her hungry child.

She wasn’t doing anything wrong.
She wasn’t doing anything indecent.
She wasn’t doing anything inappropriate.
She wasn’t doing anything illegal.

She was feeding a child. And she was asked to leave.

It’s 2011. I’d like to think I live in the real world, most of the time, but I’m having a very hard time understanding why we haven’t come further than this. We should be informed by now. We should be enlightened by now. Can we please, please, stop being so stupid?

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June 1, 2011 · 6:30 AM

So I Hit Him

spanking hand

The other day, my husband came home tired after a long day at work. He wasn’t feeling well, he’d had a fight with a co-worker, and he’d encountered snag after snag in a report that had to be done by the end of the day. He had yet to tell me, but he was also very concerned about upcoming budget cuts. He came inside, changed out of his work clothes, and sighed as he sank wearily into a living room chair.

I told him that he hadn’t yet fixed the drain in the kids’ bathroom sink, and that I expected him to do it as soon as possible.

“Are you serious?” he asked me. “I just got home, and – “

“I asked you to do something,” I told him firmly, “and I expect you to do it with a good attitude.”

He wordlessly shook his head. He rolled his eyes.

So I hit him.

I did it for his own good, though. He had to learn that he couldn’t be so openly disrespectful and defiant. He had to learn that he couldn’t treat me that way, and that it was unacceptable for him to talk back. I didn’t hit him in anger, and I didn’t hit him hard enough to leave a mark. I just hit him hard enough and long enough for him to open his eyes to his own sinfulness. I hit him until he apologized, got up from that chair, and headed off to complete the task that I’d given him.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

No, the above never happened. But minus the hitting, it certainly could have. We all have bad days. We all have moments when we’re less than cheery with those we love, especially when we feel like we’re not being heard. We all have moments when we want, with every fiber of our being, to tell the person who’s ordering us around – and not considering our feelings – to BACK OFF. We’re human.

Most of us wouldn’t consider striking a spouse, or a friend, or a coworker for a moment of humanness (and even if we did, we recognize that it’s not exactly LEGAL) Yet the above scenario is something that’s played out with parents and children over and over again. The above justifications for spankings are ones that I hear verbatim every time the subject comes up.

They need to learn to obey the first time!
They need to learn to be respectful!
They need to learn who’s in charge!

You may argue that it’s not fair for me to compare a grown man to a child. He should already KNOW how to treat people. A child is still learning, still immature, still figuring out the way the world works. It’s our job as parents to make. them. understand.

Wouldn’t it follow then that they should receive more compassion, and not less? That they should be treated more gently, not less? Children are people… people with big feelings and strong emotions. They are looking to their parents for reassurance, for love, and for a positive example of how to treat themselves and how to treat others.

Will spanking meet that need? Or will it do the complete opposite? At its very very best, the most it can do is send a confusing message about blind compliance with people bigger than them… and that their own thoughts, opinions, and feelings do not matter.

I want my kids to feel safe in their own house, and in their relationship with their father and I. I want them to know that they can say anything to me without fear of punishment, and that they can trust that I will give them an honest and thoughtful response. I want them to know that I will apologize freely when I’ve hurt them, and I want them to know that I will forgive freely when they’ve done the same.

As for learning to be respectful: In the above example, I could’ve started by not treating my husband like he existed to meet my every whim and demand. He doesn’t, and neither do my kids. If I’d taken a step back and really listened and watched and empathized, I would have seen that nothing more was needed than a kind “Rough day?” or “Want to talk about it?” Either response would have garnered a far more positive outcome (for both of us) than any blaming or punishing ever could. Either response would have spoken volumes to how a person should be treated, and to how a person should be respected.

I think it’s interesting that companies hold all these meetings and conferences and seminars about effective communication and positive conflict resolution. I can’t help but wonder if it would even be needed if more people practiced the concept on their own children.

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May 18, 2011 · 9:03 AM

Things That Make Me Go Hmm

The news stories that have been popping up on the internet lately have been coming from a veritable pool of craziness. Just when I think our world can’t get any more absurd, I read things like this that prove me wrong.

Isn’t this offensive?  Shield your kids!

Really?

This is not even about extended nursing (or as I like to call it, “regular length” nursing) In fact, I’d love for it be a non-issue altogether. This is just how we were designed. No matter how you personally feel about it, nursing a two year old is normal. The worldwide weaning average is still 4 years, so in many houses, nursing a five or six year old is normal too.

This is about an utterly ridiculous, and illogical, law whose goal it is to exert more control over the masses.  It’s not about nudity (as it claims) because if it were, short shorts would have to be outlawed too.  They show far more skin than a breastfeeding mother.  Tube tops, tank tops, anything cleavage-baring: a million times more revealing than a nursing mom.

Heck, let’s pass laws about flip-flops and hem lines and sheer fabrics.

Is it about someone feeding or comforting their child?  Maybe the-powers-that-be feel that becomes inappropriate once the child is two?  Then outlaw pacifiers in public too.  Outlaw sippy cups.  Outlaw those little round snack containers packed with Cheerios.   You probably ought to outlaw hugs too, and holding your child all together, lest anyone get the wrong idea.  And for pete’s sake, have your child’s birth certificate readily available, because they reserve the right to verify their age at any time. 

Such a bold and productive new step for our country.  Way to go, Georgia.

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