Category Archives: parenting

January 3, 2012 · 2:08 PM

The boy named Johnny

 

Johnny* is an 8-year-old boy in Everett’s Cub Scout den.  (*I changed his name)  I’ll be totally honest when I say that my first few impressions of Johnny were not positive ones.   Johnny is the kid that is continually interrupting the leader, talking over the other kids, disrupting the meetings, and running around when he’s supposed to be sitting.   Johnny is the kid who’s reprimanded not once, not twice, but multiple times during Scout activities… during EVERY Scout activity.   He’s the one who, when your own Scout is trying to ask or answer a question, is both literally and figuratively in his face, frustrating you, your son, and the leader all in equal measure.    Johnny is the one who just. can’t. sit. still. even for  minute.   He’s the one who’s always ready with a lengthy comment, answer, joke, or story, and seems to have little regard for the time or the place.  He’s the proverbial square peg that doesn’t quite fit into the round hole.

I’m pretty sure we all know a Johnny.  Or have a Johnny.  Or ARE a Johnny.  And my concern for the Johnnies of the world is that they will be dismissed simply because they are misunderstood.  That their spirits will be squashed simply because they are different.  That they will be left behind simply because they do not follow the societal norms.  That they will be mistreated simply because someone doesn’t know what on earth to do with them.  That they will be judged – as I, sadly, prematurely judged this boy – simply because their behavior feels so overwhelming.

Well, let me tell you what I have since learned about Johnny:

He is smart.   Not just smart, but incredibly and brilliantly intelligent.   This is a kid that does not miss a single beat.  When I finally started listening to his words instead of just being frustrated by his interruptions, I realized that this was a kid who 1) had a wealth of information, and 2) really wanted to share it.

He is determined.  What an indomitable spirit this kid has!!  Whenever he is reprimanded – which is often – he just keeps right on going being himself, pursuing his cause, and following his own path.  Under the right circumstances, that is a HUGELY positive attribute, and one that we could all learn from.

He is passionate.  It took me a while to notice this as well, but he is almost always smiling.  He’s happy.  He’s excited. He’s energetic.  He’s so fully present in the moment that his enthusiasm just bubbles out of him, and he doesn’t seem to know what to do with it all.

He is kind.  He’s not interrupting or running around or goofing off to be rude or disrespectful.   He is actually a very sweet kid, as evidenced by the quieter one-on-one moments I’ve witnessed with the other kids, including my own son.   In fact just this morning when Everett got out of the car for a field trip, he’s the first one who greeted him.  He was ready with that quick smile of his, as well as an offered-up piece of trivia about a Navy ship.

I’m still frustrated when I watch Johnny at Cub Scouts, but it’s for an entirely different reason now.   Yes, he’s disruptive.  Yes, he makes things difficult for the leader, the other kids, and the other parents.  And yes, there’s a certain amount of appropriate behavior that is not being met.  Absolutely.  But I can’t help but feel an almost overwhelming compassion for this kid.  I can’t help but wonder what needs to be done for him to be able to shine… to able to channel all that energy, all that creativity, all that knowledge in a positive way.  I can’t help but feel sadness as I realize, again and again, that the only attention that this kid is getting (at least when I’m around him) is negative.  That the only words directed his way are “Johnny, sit down.  Johnny, pay attention.  Johnny, not now.  Johnny, it’s time to listen.  JOHNNY!!  SHHHHH!”

I see kids like this, and I think of the Einsteins and the Edisons and the Speilbergs of the world… the ones who didn’t “behave”.  The ones who were the rebels, and the misfits, and the free-thinkers who, despite all the reprimands, ended up making huge, life-changing contributions to society.  I see kids like this and I hope and I pray that they too can find their place, find that path where they can soar, where they can not be just accepted but embraced.  I hope and pray that they can live the lives they were created to live, without that spirit – that strong, strong spirit – crushed out of them.

I don’t know what the answer is for Johnny.  I don’t.  Of course that ever-present gut-reaction is there, the one that silently screams out, “He needs to be unschooled!”  But I know that I can’t make that decision for someone else.  I know that unschooling, or even homeschooling, is not the answer for every parent, or for every family.   I know that.  But I also know that something needs to be done,  not just for Johnny, but for all children.

Our current system is broken.  And while I can’t really fix it,  I can start by measuring how I treat my own children.  I can start by measuring how I treat Johnny.  I can start by being kind to him.  By smiling at him.  By encouraging him.  By telling him through my words and my actions that he is an awesome and worthwhile person… not in spite of his energy and his stories and his enthusiasm, but because of them.

26 Comments

Filed under parenting, Uncategorized, unschooling

December 19, 2011 · 9:15 AM

Unconditional Love

 

Christmas is less than a week away.

I’m not dreaming of sugar plums, but I am dreaming of Oreo balls, black and white cookies, and seeing the magic in my kids’ eyes.   I’m thinking of family, and friends, and all the mushy love stuff I tend to avoid the rest of the 364 days of the year.  Christmas is about love, whether you celebrate the birth of Christ, or simply observe it as a day of fun, food and fellowship with those you hold near and dear.

I’ve been thinking about the concept of love ever since I read this article about a week ago.  These are parents that not only truly unconditionally love their children, but also support them and fight for them.   Parents who will do whatever they can to ensure that their children are happy, fully living the lives they were individually created to live.

That’s the way I want to love.

I think a lot of (most?) parents will tell you that they believe in unconditional love, but in practice it’s often easier said than done.  I’ve never liked those sayings that advocate things like telling your child you love him, but dislike his behavior.  Or that say we should “hate the sin but love the sinner.”  Why?  For one thing, that line of thinking makes it far too easy to slide into the conditionality we wanted to avoid in the first place.  Perhaps more important is the fact that our actions speak the truth of our love far more loudly than our words.  Our words may be saying, “I love you unconditionally,” but our actions may be saying, “I love you when you behave the way I want you to behave.  I love you when you make the decisions I want you to make.  I love you when you’re the person I want you to be.”  It can be very difficult for a child to differentiate.

And you know what, it can be hard for an adult too.

Five months ago I pierced my nose.  It was something I’d been wanting to do for a long time, so I was very excited to have finally gone through with it.  I was not, however, excited to tell my parents.  I knew how they felt about facial piercings and I knew what their reaction would be.  (Yes, I’m about to be 38 years old, and I still think about and want that acceptance from my parents)  The moment was brief, but negative as expected.  Now, did I know intellectually that they still loved me?  Of course.   But did I feel unconditionally loved by their response?  Not at all.  And if it felt that way over something as silly and inconsequential as a little piece of jewelry in my nose, how much more devastating it would be to a child dealing with something as huge and life changing as the girl in the article?  To someone dealing with an issue of gender?  Or sexuality?  Or any number of the other “big stuff” that we wrestle with in life, the things that make us want to find just one person to understand.

One person to accept us.

One person to support us.

One person to hold us and tell us sincerely not that they “love us even though…” but that they just. plain. love. us.

I want to be that person for my kids.

10 Comments

Filed under acceptance, mindful parenting, parenting

December 13, 2011 · 9:07 AM

A Recipe for Disaster?

Today’s guest post was written by my good friend, Amy. I think it’s important to note that I did not twist her arm to write it (in fact she took it upon herself without my knowledge. She’s sneaky like that) But she did have to twist my arm to get me to post it. Not because it wasn’t lovely and well-written, but because it’s a very odd and somewhat uncomfortable feeling to post something like that about yourself and kids, written by someone else. I resisted, and she said “Jen, you have to post it.” So I am.

Here it is; her response to those who are sure I’m raising future criminals.

No spanking, no time-outs, no parent induced bedtimes, no formal schooling…….recipe for disaster, right?

Attachment parenting, gentle parenting, radical unschooling are all catch phrases currently moving into mainstream society. My friend and owner of this blog, Jennifer McGrail, is an advocate for all of it. This is how her children are raised and let me tell you about these soon to be criminals, drunks, and wife beaters………….. She is praised by many and criticized by few. This is written for the few, from the perspective of a family friend who can’t say she, herself, has always practiced the above parenting philosophies but has observed the behavior of the four McGrail children extensively.

Let’s start with criminal #3, age seven. My son belongs to the same Boy Scout group with #3. At one of the meetings a uniform inspection is on the schedule. There are about 10 boys and the leader warns parents in an e-mail beforehand that he will try to be quick because he knows how hard it can be for the boys to stand still and wait while others are being inspected. The inspections are done in an orderly fashion. Like the leader indicated it was hard for most of the boys to wait patiently, quietly and calm. Nothing abnormal about that, right? They are all young, active boys. Here is the abnormal part: The winner is #3 and here is why he is the winner. Judging the uniforms alone created many ties, so they decided to look at behavior in line to come up with a winner. Guess who won the uniform inspection? #3, because he stood still with arms to his side, without talking and messing around all with his best friend standing right beside him. He didn’t do this because his parents threatened him or prepared him for this. HE JUST DID IT! Because he has self inflicted ideas about how he wants to present himself. Because he is allowed to grow without criticism, coercion, and with trust that he will make good decisions with unconditional love waiting when he doesn’t. That was just one situation, right, so now I’ll tell you the other stories. The ones where because he has never had a time-out, or been told what he must eat and at what time or when to go to bed, or spanked, must mean he is a crazy kid running around with no idea how to behave and headed to jail at an early age. Sorry, but I don’t have any of those. #3 is just a typical 7 year old boy that tends to know how to control his own behavior.

 

 

Moving on to #2, age 11. He, all on his own, manages a server for an online game that other children play. Just like life this game has gotten messy because children, like adults, don’t understand each other, get over emotional and react without thinking. One such situation happened and it destroyed most of the server. All the hard work that had been done was gone. #2 was MAD, steaming mad!!! He retaliated by writing about it on a forum that would be seen by many. He was asked by his mother, “Do you feel better?” “YES!” he said. She left him with his yes, and didn’t say another word. I’m not sure I could have done this. I probably would have had to explain how this wouldn’t help the matter and being the bigger person can make you feel better and on and on, but she didn’t do that. Guess what, not very long after posting what would have probably made matters worse – and yes he had a right to be mad because someone destroyed his server – he deleted the comments and decided he was going to rebuild the destroyed server. On top of that, he even built a special house on the server for the very person who had done the destroying. This 11 year old did what most adults can’t do. HE JUST DID IT!

 

 

#1 is age 14. Oh no, a teenager! I certainly can’t have anything to say about this guy. If he has been raised without rules and grounding he is surely out there with one foot in jail already. Actually, this 14 year old enjoys talking to and discussing life with this 41 year old. He is comfortable talking to me and his mom. He doesn’t mind hanging with us and gets our opinion about friends, life and girls. I don’t have teens yet, but I remember the teen years being hard. #1 teaches that it doesn’t have to be SO DARN HARD. Every single time I am around him, and that tends to be several times a week, he says, “I love being me!” Seriously, how many people, let alone a teen, loves being them? As adults we read books, go to counseling, and attend workshops to learn how to love ourselves. This 14 year old just does. What a head start he has on life. His joy for life radiates to others as well. My daughter has quoted him several times with lessons she has learned from this 14 year old boy. She is loving herself because of him. I’m pretty sure he is never going to beat his wife. A person who loves himself doesn’t beat others.

 

 

Now to #4, age 3. She is a typical 3 year old. She gets tired, throws tantrums, annoys her brothers, shares, doesn’t share, hugs, kisses, calls names…… but no worries. She has five role models that love her unconditionally. I look in those big, brown eyes and I see pure love, not a criminal.

 

 

These 4 children are all typical children in many ways. And yes, there are many typical children out there doing extraordinary things just like these children. But raising children without rules, time-outs, spankings, grounding, etc. does not produce criminals, alcoholics, wife beaters…………

I realize this isn’t really written to convince those criticizers that this type of parenting is the right way. Their minds are made up. This is written to those parents that were like me 11 years ago. I was looking for a different way to parent from the mainstream spanking, time-out, and grounding type of parenting. In many ways I did parent in a different way and took criticism, but if I had read an article like this one or known Jennifer McGrail eleven years ago, I would have had the support to know my instincts were right for me and my children. We are a better family for knowing the McGrail family.

Amy Travis is a former teacher, and an unschooling mom.  When she isn’t writing blog posts for other people, she enjoys throwing parties, making cake balls, and forcing encouraging this introvert to get out and be social every once in awhile.

5 Comments

Filed under attachment parenting, gentle parenting, guest posts, mindful parenting, misconceptions, parenting, unschooling

December 2, 2011 · 12:08 PM

Christmas, advent, & my beef with the Elf on The Shelf

 

Yesterday was the first of advent, and so began what is arguably my favorite time of year.  The little ones saw a chocolate advent calendar at the store a few weeks ago, so this year that was added to the activity calendar and the Jesse Tree.  I also just got a sweet little e-book that tells a part of the Christmas story every day, along with a corresponding ornament craft.   And that’s enough! 🙂

Yesterday, we went to the Dollar Tree to look for Christmasy stuff (and we actually walked there, for the first time ever, despite having lived just a mile away for FIVE years).  Today, we’ll make paper snowflakes; and over the course of the next few weeks there will be Christmas parties, and cookie-making, and present-wrapping, and gingerbread houses, and movie watching and ornament crafting … all sorts of Norman Rockwell holiday goodness.

What won’t be part of our pre-Christmas festivities?  This:

 

If you’re not familiar with it, The Elf on The Shelf is a Christmas book and doll that tell the story of this elf (who kids can name and register online) who watches them every day and then reports back to Santa at night.  The next day, he is hidden by the parent  shows back up in your house in a new spot, all ready for more “Naughty or Nice” surveillence.  From its product page on Amazon:

Year after year, children and adults alike are baffled by the mystery of how Santa really knows who’s been naughty or nice. After much urging by the elves and Mrs. Claus, Santa has allowed his biggest secret to be revealed in The Elf on the Shelf: A Christmas Tradition.

Where to start.

For those reading this who are about to get all upset with me (“What?!  What’s wrong with The Elf on a Shelf?  We LOVE the Elf on the Shelf!  Our kids love it.  It’s fun!  It’s harmless!”) I’d just ask that you hear me out.  Also, from what I can tell, those who use and love this elf generally seem to fall into two camps: Those who just use it as a fun and lighthearted little toy, a yearly tradition of hide-and-seek-Elf with the kids; and those who employ it as a behavior modification tool, a way to try to encourage improvement in their children’s actions/attitudes/behaviors, at least for the month of the December.    I’m really speaking to the latter.

Reading through reviews on Amazon, and comments on Facebook, message boards, and the like, the theme is the same.

It really encourages good behavior!

My kids are so well-behaved in the days leading to Christmas now!

They’re so afraid of doing something wrong and having it reported to Santa!

My question is this:  Do you really want your kids to behave a certain way because they’re afraid that a creepy little elf is going to be watching them and reporting to Santa?  What happens in January when the elf gets packed away?

For that matter, do you want them to behave a certain way so that they get a gold star on a sticker chart, or a lollipop at the checkout line?

I know I don’t.

Behaving a certain way for an external reward (or fear of punishment) is temporary, at best.  It’s also not sincere, but just on the surface… no more than a means to an end.  Where is the meaning in that?  If you gave me $100 and told me to hold the door for a stranger, I would.  But how much more would it mean – for me and the stranger – if I did it for free, simply because it’s a nice thing to do?  Bribing and threatening our kids to “behave” is like assuming that they wouldn’t do so otherwise.  It’s belittling them, and taking away their own power to do what THEY feel is right… not for a reward, not because of a fear of punishment, but because they want to.  If they’re not given that chance, how can they show us who they really are?

I want my kids to behave the way they behave because they want to, because they are internally driven to do so, not because they’ll get a lump of coal if they don’t.

44 Comments

Filed under parenting, Uncategorized

November 11, 2011 · 6:28 PM

Just So You Know

Just so you know, I’m not ignoring you when I don’t answer your comment (or your email or your text) right away.  I have four kids and a Mike and a house that need me.  I’m not good at juggling, and sometimes the more I have to do, the more I start to slow down.

Just so you know, if you visit my house, it will be messy.   I start to clean, only to hear a giant sploosh, followed by an “uh oh”, and the discovery that the 3 year old just spilled her paint rinse cup.  Again.  Or dumped out all 8836256 of her brother’s legoes, or smashed a cracker all over the couch, or shed her muddy clothes all over the kitchen.  And that’s okay.

Just so you know, as far as I’m concerned, people trump “things” every time.  Which means that if I’m faced with mopping the dirty floor and playing ring-around-the-rosy with the girl, or reading with the 7 year old, or talking “Minecraft” with the 11 year old, or watching a Nerf video with the 14 year old… the kids will win.  Every time.

Just so you know, my backyard is messy too.   Partly because my 6 chickens are like children to me too, and their ability to be able to roam happy and free is more important to me than tidiness…. and partly because right now, my kids need my attention more than my yard.

Just so you know, I don’t believe in putting people in boxes:

When you see my three year old screaming crying in the grocery store, please don’t assume that she is “defiant” or “manipulative” or a “drama queen.”   She is passionate and enthusiastic and full of energy, and I love that about her.  She is sweet and funny and loves to entertain.  She is awesome.

When you realize that my seven year old is not yet reading, please don’t assume he is a “slower” learner.   I can barely keep up with what he is learning on a daily basis, and he is continually amazing me with both his knowledge and his spirit.  He has a huge heart and gives great hugs.  He’s awesome too.

When you hear that my 11 year old is passionate about video games, please don’t assume he in any way resembles your misinformed image of a “lazy gamer.”  He is intelligent and active and well-rounded, and overall one of the coolest people you’ll ever get to be around.  He is awesome.

When you introduce yourself to my 14 year old, and notice that he sounds “different”, please don’t make assumptions about his intelligence or his abilities.  He is smart and skillful and creative, and he has a better sense of humor than just about anyone I know.  He’s the most loyal friend you could ever hope to make, and he is also one of my top 5 favorite people on the planet.  And oh yes, he’s awesome.

And while I’m on the subject of assumptions:

Just so you know, I don’t fit neatly into one of those boxes either.  I am a Christian who finds much of what’s cloaked in “Christian” labels abhorrent (especially when it comes to parenting).  I believe in kindness to all creatures.  I believe in freedom and acceptance and tolerance.  I don’t raise an eyebrow at obscenities, but you’ll see me react in a big hurry if you say something disrespectful about a child, or make a racial stereotype, or a homophobic slur, or use the word “retarded” (or any of its variants) other than in the way it was intended.

Just so you know, the fact that we homeschool does not mean we’re exactly like your neighbor or your friend or your cousin who homeschools.  We have our own reasons, and our own beliefs, and our own way of life.

Just so you know, you can change my mind about a whole lot of things, but not when it comes to God.  Not when it comes to my kids.  Not when it comes to parenting.  And not when it comes to school.

Just so you know.

12 Comments

Filed under about me, acceptance, homeschooling, kids, parenting

November 7, 2011 · 9:51 AM

Rejecting Labels, and Loving What Is

A big thanks to Lisa DeBusk for today’s guest post!

Bad sleeper. Shy. Clingy. A follower. Smart. Imaginative. These are just a few of the labels I’ve used on my child. I’m starting to realize they’re just words and have nothing to do with who he is.

Every new parent has sleepless nights. Some of us have sleepless years. My son woke every twenty minutes or so in the beginning months, then he woke every hour for a while, and now that he’s three he occasionally sleeps through the night. Occasionally. He hasn’t taken a regular nap since he was two and a half, though as I type this he’s snoozing on the couch beside me at 6:00pm. He won’t be sleepy at bedtime tonight, and I’m ok with that.

Since Henry was born, I’ve fought off and on to get him on some kind of regular routine of sleeping and waking, and nothing I’ve tried has come remotely close to working. All the advice, all the parenting books, all the efforts have changed nothing about his sleep patterns, probably because he really doesn’t have a pattern. He resists routine and structure, despite what everyone says about all kids needing structure. I’ve accepted this about him and stopped fighting it.

Accepting that Henry doesn’t respond well to forced bedtimes and naps is just part of being this particular child’s mother. I know plenty of other children are put to bed wide awake and drift off to sleep on their own after a story and a lullaby, and some nights I would love for it to be that easy. But I’m ok with reading three or four books, improvising several stories on the spot (my son is only happy if I make up a new story every time, about characters with goofy names he creates), and singing three songs over and over while he lies on top of me, rubbing and sometimes scratching my arms. There have been several nights when this was absolutely not ok, and I even lost my temper a little while waiting for him to go to sleep. When I finally accepted that this was not going to change, that Henry was not suddenly going to make things easier for me just because I wanted him to, I made peace with it. He’s not a “bad sleeper.” He sleeps just fine. Not falling asleep exactly when and how I want him to doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with the way he sleeps.

I try not to call Henry “shy” or “clingy” in front of him, but I’m guilty of telling other people that he is. When I think of him as shy, it’s only because I’m comparing him to other children who are comfortable with running up to strangers and having a conversation. I was never that kind of kid, and Henry doesn’t need to be either. If he’s “clingy,” it’s because he’s three years old, and three-year-olds happen to love their mommies quite a bit. I love that he clings to me. When I find myself thinking of him as “clingy,” it’s a sign that I need a little break, some time to myself. I don’t always get a break, but that’s not my son’s fault.

Henry tends to choose one kid on a playground and follow that kid around, doing everything he does. Usually the kid is a bit older, but not always. He’s followed toddlers around, even pretending to cry when they do. I don’t know why he enjoys doing this, and perhaps I’ll never know, but I’ve stopped viewing it as a bad thing. Following other kids around is just what he enjoys, as simple as that.

The last two adjectives at the beginning of my post don’t seem like bad labels, but they can cause as much damage as the others. I know overpraising can lead to some less than desirable results, such as having a child who doesn’t try new or challenging things because he wants to maintain the “smart” label. I try to resist calling him smart for every little thing he does. Remaining neutral is usually the best option, but it’s also natural for a parent to praise her kid. Children probably have the best chance for a good life if they have parents who accept them as they are without labeling any of their actions as either “good” or “bad.” No, that’s not good enough. I don’t think it’s enough to merely accept the way our children are. Instead, everyone is better off if we allow ourselves to love the way our children are, even when it causes us inconvenience, disappointment, or concern. It all comes back, as always, to unconditional love.

Lisa DeBusk is a mom, piano teacher, and writer. She writes about parenting, religion, health, culture, and politics. You can find her writing about gentle parenting at Soulful Parenting.   

4 Comments

Filed under acceptance, guest posts, labels, parenting

November 5, 2011 · 6:00 AM

Why Moms Never Sit

I love the stereotypical bon-bon eating, soap opera watching, image of a home maker.  I really do.  Mainly because as any stay at home parent could tell you, we NEVER SIT.  When you’re a homeschooling parent of multiple children…. well, you never sit times infinity.    Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good life.  But it’s also a constantly moving, juggling, helping, holding, dancing, playing, getting, putting, doing, showing life.

This past week has been a particularly tiring one.   Starting on Monday with illness and Halloween.  Tuesday brought the first day of NaNoWriMo (illness be damned)  Wednesday was an entire day spent at the AZ State Fair, followed by a visit to my sister in the hospital (who is home now, yeah!)  and a late night dinner.  Yesterday was the girl’s last day of gymnastics for this session, and a way-longer-than-it-should-have-been grocery shopping trip with all four kids.  Today was a fall party with the homeschool group, and a whole heckuva lot of driving.

At four o’clock, exhausted, I tried to sit.  Only the youngest two were home.

“Mommy, can you get me some orange juice?”  Sure, honey.  I got up.

“Mommy!!”  That one came from the bathroom, which only means one thing.  I got up again.

“Mommy, I need some more paper.”   I can’t be responsible for inhibiting creativity.  I got up again.

“Mommy, can you sign me into this website?”  At seven, Everett still needs help on the computer sometimes.  I got up again.

“Mommy, you HAVE to come see this.”  Really, I have to?  I got up again.

“Mommy, come here, I have to give you something.”  What is it?

“I drew you a picture!”

How can you say “no” to that?  You can’t.  So I got up again, happily.

By then, Mike was getting home, and it was time for dinner, and the evening was wearing on… and I never really did get a chance to sit.  And you know, it was worth it.

 

 

It’s always worth it.

 

6 Comments

Filed under homeschooling, life, parenting

October 21, 2011 · 6:07 PM

52 Ways to Have a “Time-In”

Anyone who regularly reads my blog, or knows me in person, will likely know that the girl and I have been experiencing some growing pains lately.   Tegan is amazing, and sweet, and energetic, and funny.  I thank God every day that I get to be her mom, just as I do with her brothers.  And oh, the good days are very, very good….. and the not-as-good days can be, well, hard.  I am learning things I never learned with my first three.  In fact, there have been many times over the past three and a half years that I’ve honestly felt that I’m a first-time parent all over again.  I have been challenged to be a better parent, and a more patient parent, more than ever before.

One thing I’ve discovered this time around is the importance of re-centering and re-connecting when things are getting squirrelly.  When one or both of us are out-of-sorts, when she’s tired or frustrated or overwhelmed, when that moment comes when traditional parenting advice would have you doling out some form of “discipline”…. that is the point that I know it’s time to take a deep breath, a step back, and a moment for both of us to have a break from the situation together.   Rather than removing HER from the predicament and/or the room, we change course and re-gather our bearings, together.  A “time-in,” if you will.

Here are 52 different things that work for us.   (Why 52?  Because that’s the random number that came to my head when I started typing the title.  And because, why not)

1.  Get wet.   Water is amazing at turning a mood around.  Water in a sink, in the tub, from a hose, in a kiddie pool … it all works wonders.  Is it raining?  Go dance in it!!


2.  Play some music.  The kids and I are all in love with the free music sites like Groove Shark.   Favorite songs, whether playing softly in the background, or cranked to high volume, are always a great pick-me-up.

3.  Go outside.  Or, if you’re already outside,

4.  Go inside.  Sometimes all you need is a change of scenery.

5.  Take a field trip.  It doesn’t have to be anywhere fancy.  My kids are thrilled to go to the Dollar Store.  They also love going to places like PetSmart to look at the fish.

6.  Dance.  Tegan loves to dance.   She doesn’t even need any music to dance to, but adding it to music makes it even more fun, especially when she does ballet to a rock song, or starts head-banging to a ballad.

7.  Yell.  Sometimes you have to let it out.   Go outside, or better yet, to a secluded spot in the desert (or forest or wherever you live) and yell your little hearts out.

 

8.  Throw something.  A ball, a frisbee, a wadded up piece of paper, a rock in a river….

9.  Bake something.  “Can we make cookies?”  is an oft-heard question around these parts.  (The answer, of course, is yes.)

10.  Grab a camera.  The other day, Tegan was tired and grumpy, and agreed to lay down with me in my bed.  I had my cell phone with me, and she was thrilled when I showed her the self-portrait feature.  She was happy, and relaxed, and entertained for a good hour while we took pictures like these:


11.  Watch a movie.  Don’t forget the popcorn.

12.  Clean something.  It may sound weird, but sometimes a good sweeping, mopping, or scrubbing is fun and relaxing for both of us.

13.  Play with your food.  It is soothing and relaxing to run your hands through and play with dry rice or beans or a little flour.   Not too long ago, I had some ground decaf coffee in the cabinet (which I don’t drink) so I spread it out on a cookie sheet, and the girl happily played, scooped and dumped to her heart’s content.

14.  Yoga, meditation, or prayer.  Or a little bit of all three…. whatever helps you and your child get calm and centered and connected.

15.  Wii Fit.   We use this a lot lately, and it’s a great way to move and have fun at the same time.  If you don’t have Wii, any sort of jumping around and exercising works just as well.

16.  Get your hands dirty.  If you’re Tegan, get your whole body dirty.

 

17.  Spend time with an animal. At the time of this writing, we have a dog, a rat, a tarantula, a fish, and 6 chickens.    If you don’t have a pet, borrow time with someone else’s.   My kids all love going to the grain store where we get our chicken feed, because they get to visit with rabbits, ferrets, baby chicks, and exotic reptiles.

18.  Build something.  Legoes and blocks are always fun, and if you’re feeling more adventurous grab some wood and some nails.

 

19.  Play cards.  We always have several decks – and partial decks – hanging around the house.  Even the littlest kids like to just play with, sort, and fling cards.   There’s Go Fish, War, and Crazy Eights.   And there are a million tricks you can learn to amaze and inspire.   Try this link for ideas.

20.  jacksonpollock.org  It’s just fun.

21.  Color.  Stay in the lines or not.  Your choice.

22.  Put on a costume.  Wear it with pride.

 

23.  Sidewalk chalk.  We like to draw murals, make hopscotch boards and obstacle courses,  and trace our bodies crime-scene style.

24.  Drive.  No need to have a destination.  There’s always a whole new dynamic in the car.

25.  Pull an old game from the closet.  An old favorite, or the one you never want to play because it has a million pieces.

26.  Do a puzzle.   Don’t have a real-life one handy?  Do one virtually.

27.  Play in the laundry.  Even the seven year old still loves it when I dump a clean basket of laundry on his head before I fold it.

28.  Take something apart.  My kids have taken apart everything from old VCRs to Playstations to lawn mowers.

29.  Go to the library.  We usually come home with dozens of books… but it’s always fun browsing and reading even if we don’t.

30.  Do a science experiment.  The boys have accumulated some really cool science kits and chemistry sets.  But even good old baking soda and vinegar works in a pinch.

31.  Have a carpet picnic.  It’s a very well known fact that food tastes better when it’s eaten on a big blanket spread picnic style on the carpet.   Watching the Oscars or the Super Bowl while you eat is optional.

32.  Have a carpet nap.  Because picnicking is tiring.

33.  Look at pictures.  Tegan especially loves it when I dig up pictures from my own childhood.  The older, the better.

 

34.  Call a friend.  My first inclination when I’m having a rough day is to hole up in my own house, and not see, talk, or otherwise socialize with anyone else.  But.  Sometimes it is very helpful for me and the girl to be around a kind and trusted third party.

35.  Read a book.  Or two or seven.  It’s kind of an obvious one, but I couldn’t leave it out.  Get comfy on the couch and read, read, read.

36.  Redecorate.  Hang some new pictures, rearrange the room, or draw on the windows with window markers.  We got an old children’s table and chairs for free, and the girl is sprucing it up herself.

 

37.  Laugh.  Watch a goofy movie, take turns telling corny jokes, or have a silly contest.

38.  Tie yourself in knots.  When I was little, my dad used to put one of his big flannel shirts on my sister and I.  He’d button it all up, then wrap the arms behind our backs and tie them up.  We’d laugh and laugh while we rolled around and tried to escape.

39.  Blow bubbles.  We’ve tried a lot of different fancy bubble blowers and gadgets, but I still think the plain old, inexpensive bottles and wands work the best.  And they make the girl deliriously happy.

40.  Make paper snowflakes.  It’s always fun, no matter what time of year it is.

41.  Replicate a favorite store-bought treat at home.  The internet makes it really easy to make a knock-off of your favorite confection from Jamba Juice, Starbucks, Cinnabon, or whatever strikes your and your child’s fancy.

42.  Playdough.   We also like clay and modeling wax, anything we can squish and mold and shape with our hands.

 

43.  Make an indoor tent.  Chairs + big sheet or blankets = great hideaway for reading, coloring, snacking, or hanging out.

44.  Do nothing.  Seriously.  Just sit, and breathe, and relax, and BE together.

45.  Write a letter.  Not an email (not that emails aren’t great, too)  but a letter.  On paper.    Or draw a picture, or make up a little package of stickers or other goodies, and mail it to a child that you love.

46.  Make a big, huge, list together.  Or, if you already have one, pick something that you haven’t done, and do it.

47.  Go for a walk.  Stop and look at trees and rocks and leaves and sticks.  Let your child lead.

 

48.  Sew something.  The kids love it when I have the sewing machine out, but good old needle and thread works too.  For tiny fingers, lacing with big beads is always fun.

49. Shoot a Nerf gun.  We have a LOT of Nerf guns laying around our house.  I’m always surprised at what a stress reliever it is when I pick one up and shoot it.  For the older boys, we also have bb guns and bows and arrows.

50.  Massage.  Even lots of babies enjoy massages (It’s a good idea to be versed in infant massage first)  You can massage your toddler, or have her give YOU a massage.  Tegan loves walking up and down my back while I lay on the floor.  Win/win.

51.  Let them cry.  No, not in the leave them alone in a room, and make them cry-it-out way.  But sometimes, a person just has to cry.  There have been times when I’ve done absolutely everything I can possibly think of, and the girl is just so tired or frustrated or disappointed that she just needs a good cry.  So I let her know I’m there, hold her if she wants me close, and I let her cry.

And finally,

52.  Break the rules.   We don’t really do rules in our house.  We do principles, and they generally just apply to treating ourselves, and each other, with respect.  But I know a lot of people do have rules, and rather than viewing those difficult days as a time to more strictly adhere to the rules, I think the opposite is in order.  Let that be the one time you have cookies before dinner, or stay up past bedtime, or jump on the couch.

“One day at a time – this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.”

20 Comments

Filed under about me, gentle discipline, gentle parenting, mindful parenting, parenting

October 17, 2011 · 2:30 PM

The Problem with Easy


Parenting is hard.  Let me just begin with that general statement.  I don’t care if you’re a stay at home parent, or work outside the home, a single parent, a co-parent, a younger parent, or an older parent.  Raising another human is hard work.  It’s a 24 hour a day, 7 day a week job, with no sick days and no days off.   It’s hard, and anyone who tells you differently is either not doing a very good job, or lying.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise then that so much of conventional parenting advice seems to be aimed not at improving the life of the child, but at making things easier for the parent.    Did you ever think about it?  New moms are bombarded with information on how they should train their new child to sleep through the night … then Mom won’t have to get up with baby anymore, and she won’t be as tired.    They’re given tips and fancy methods of ensuring their child is potty trained by 23 months, because they shouldn’t have to worry about fussing with diapers for a day more than 2 years.  They’re advised to plan naps around their schedule, to put kids in a time-out when they “misbehave”, and to completely ignore them when they have a tantrum.

Here’s the thing:  No one ever said that parenting is supposed to be convenient.  It’s not.  Good parenting is messy.  It’s real.  It’s hands-on.  It’s in the middle of the night, and it’s in the middle of a crowded supermarket.

Yes, it would be easier if kids slept through the night from the get-go.  But not only do very few babies naturally sleep through the night, they are not designed to do so.  They have tiny bellies, and they get hungry frequently.  They get lonely.  They get they scared.  They want the warmth and comfort of their mom.  It’s our job to be there for them, to love and care for them …. day and night.

Yes, it would be easier not to change diapers for 3 years, but some children simply aren’t ready before then.  It’s our job to be respectful of their needs, of their bodies, and of their individual time table.

Yes, it would be easier if we could plan our days around conveniently scheduled nap times and eating times and play times.  But kids aren’t robots for us to program.  They’re people.   Just like us, they have their own internal mechanism telling them when they are hungry and when they are tired, and also like ours, it ebbs and flows with the changing seasons.   It’s not our job to expect our kids to fit neatly into our own unchanged lives, but to remain flexible, and patient, and recognize that once we have children we need to change from a couple dynamic to a family dynamic… one in which every voice matters.

Yes, it would be easier to make a whole bunch of rules, to never have to worry about our children straying or getting hurt or getting themselves in trouble.  But children need to play.  They need freedom.  They need parents who support them and cheer for them.  Parents who help them when they need it, and give them space when they do not.

Yes, it would be easier not to deal with the tantrums and the difficult moments.  It would be easier to lose our patience, to send the offending party to his or her room, and to dole out an arbitrary (and unnecessary) punishment.  But doing so does not help your child OR you.  It doesn’t help your relationship.

Being a mindful and conscious parent means doing just that:  being there.   It means being there, right there in the moment, and not taking the easy way out.  It means counting to ten (or fifty or 172) so that you don’t respond in anger.  It means getting down on your child’s level, and talking to him or her.  It means being kind and empathetic.  It means treating your child the way you yourself would like to be treated.  (I don’t know about you, but I would not like to be ignored or banished to another room to when I was upset about something.  I would want to be heard, and I would want to know that someone cared. )  It means apologizing when you screw up – because you will screw up – and it means standing up and being a parent even during the hard moments.  The uncomfortable moments.  The moments when you’re tired and cranky and oh so tempted to fall back on “easy.”

Being the kind of parent I want to be isn’t easy.  It’s hard.  Some days it’s very hard.  But I don’t think something that important should be easy.  It should take work, and commitment, and love, and heart, and a really good sense of humor.   If you’re moving from an authoritarian style of parenting to one based on partnership I can’t tell you that there won’t be good days and bad days, and I can’t tell you that you won’t sometimes feel like you’re taking one step forward and two steps back.   But I can tell you – promise you even – that it will be worth it.   Good relationships with your kids (or with anyone for that matter) are always worth it.

And that is so much better than easy.

29 Comments

Filed under attachment parenting, gentle discipline, gentle parenting, mindful parenting, parenting, Uncategorized

October 4, 2011 · 11:59 AM

Headphones and Life Lessons

Paxton (11 years old at the time of this writing) loves to save his money, and he’s very disciplined about it.  If we’re going to the store, he’ll very occasionally bring a dollar or two – but never more – for a soda or something, but most of his money stays safely tucked away in his bank.  He’ll save for awhile until there’s something he really wants,  then he’ll happily make his purchase and go right back to saving.   A few weeks ago he pre-ordered a $60 video game with his own money,  and more recently he ordered a good quality pair of headphones to use when he’s on the computer.  He’s always very thoughtful and deliberate about what he spends his money on, and I’ve never once seen him regret a purchase.  It’s a cool thing to witness.

Yesterday, UPS came with the headphones he’s been waiting for.  He was extremely excited about them, asking me daily if they shipped yet, did I have a tracking number, when would they come.  He was struggling as he tried to open the packaging (one of those extremely rigid and nearly impenetrable hard plastic cases), and chatting with me while he worked… telling me how cool they were, and why he chose that particular pair.   He fought with the package for several minutes,  eventually claimed defeat, and asked me to help him.   He’d already done most of the hard work, cutting away at the glued tabs with a pair of scissors, so I was able to force it apart with my hands.  It wasn’t until a few minutes later, when he finally had them completely out of the package, when he said, in a very unfamiliar, flat voice, “The cord is cut.”

I looked to see what he was talking about.  The cord that attaches them to the computer was in two pieces, completely severed.  The headphones were ruined, and he hadn’t even used them yet.  I asked him if he thought he’d done it with the scissors, but he didn’t think he had.  We looked at the paperwork, and talked about return policies.  I finally picked up the plastic packaging and looked at it more closely.  I asked him where the cord had been coiled, and he showed me.  It lined up exactly with the slit from his scissors, and I could immediately see where he’d cut through the plastic, through the paper cardboard… and ultimately through the cord.

He was devastated, absolutely crushed.  The excitement he’d felt only minutes earlier had transformed to utter disappointment and regret, knowing that his own mistake had cost him the very thing he’d so diligently saved his money to buy.

I thought (briefly, because how long does it really take to make such a decision?) about what we would have done if it had been the husband or I.  We, like Paxton, would have been sad and disappointed, and likely mad at ourselves for our carelessness… and then, assuming we could afford it, we would have ordered another pair.

So that’s exactly what did.  We told him how sorry we were that it happened, and we ordered him another pair.  On us.  Yes, we could have told him he needed to spend his own money, or we could have told him that he needed to wait.  We could have used it to “teach him a lesson.”  But really, what lessons would he have learned if we’d handled it in that way?  The importance of saving his money?  No, wait, he’d already clearly demonstrated that he’d learned that lesson.  The need to be more careful when opening that type of packaging?  No, there was no doubt to anyone who’d witnessed his devastation that he’d learned that lesson as well.  He learned both of those lessons all on his own, without our help.

The only additional lesson he’ll learn here from us is simply that if he has an accident – and it was just an accident – if it’s within our power to do so, we will help make it right.

 

18 Comments

Filed under parenting, Paxton