Category Archives: rant

That Which Makes Me Very Grumpy

I blame Flylady.  Well, Flylady and my good friend Jess.

If you’re not familiar with Flylady, it’s basically a housekeeping system that teaches you to get in the habit of doing a morning and evening routine every day (dishes, laundry, swooping the bathroom, etc), along with one bigger chore, with the goal of getting and keeping your house running smoothly.  It’s the exact opposite of anything I’d naturally be drawn too… but it’s actually quite perfect for people like me: people who’ve admitted to themselves that they function a lot better in less chaos, but who tend to make a mess everywhere they go.

Anyway, on Friday my job was to mop the floors.  Actually, it was technically just to mop the kitchen floor.  But if I had out a wet mop all ready to go, why stop at the kitchen?  Why indeed.  So I get my mop ready, fill the sink with water, and get started on the kitchen (which, if I’m being honest, was WAY overdue for a mop).  That’s when all four kids – who’d been happily involved in their own projects up until that very moment – suddenly desperately needed me, in four different directions.  It turns out that mopping is sort of like going to the bathroom in that regard.

I put out their fires, with less patience than I would have liked, and went back to mopping.  I was grumbling for no reason before I even left the kitchen.  There were spots everywhere, I kept having to stop to put something else away, and there was another *&%$ fruit sticker stuck to the floor in front of the fridge.  If I could get some help once in awhile… grumble grumble grumble.

By the time I’d made it out through the pantry into the other room, I lost it.  I was tripping over Tegan’s latest 27 costume changes all over the floor.  I needed to put in another load of laundry.  Someone had to clean the mice cage.  Something had clearly been spilled and only halfway wiped up, and there was another something that I can only guess was once gum or Silly Putty that had hardened into a black, concrete mound of glue under Spencer’s desk.

Before I knew what had happened, I’d had a totally unwarranted Jekyll and Hyde/Bruce Banner and the Incredible Hulk transformation.  I was snapping at everyone, I was flinging stuff around, and I nearly burst into tears when I found one of my favorite pens without its cap.  Spencer was – rightfully – looking at me like I’d gone crazy, and Paxton was still staring straight ahead at his computer screen… his only defense sitting as absolutely still as possible.

And that’s when I saw my raving lunatic self,  took a (rather mortified) big breath, apologized to the kids, and said to myself, “What is wrong with you??”

Then I remembered.

The day before, I’d just begun a juice fast.

Breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

I like to do a good cleanse/fast a few times a year.  It’s really important to detox, especially if you’ve been eating a lot of sugar or processed foods (or, in my case, a ton of NSAIDS)  Plus, it’s February, and the new year, and I was still carrying 5 holiday pounds.  I knew from experience that a week or two of juicing would do wonders.  So when my friend Jess said, “Hey, want to do a juicing blitz with me??” I said “Sure, sign me up!”

Now if you’ve ever done any type of cleanse, you know that the first few days are unpleasant:  I get headaches and a host of other physical detox symptoms.  I crave things.  I feel foggy.  I sometimes get dizzy.

All child’s play compared to just how GRUMPY it makes me.

By day four or five, I feel fantastic.  Lighter, mentally clearer, more energetic, ready to take on the world.  But day two?  I’m a beast.  And I always forget that part.    So while Jess was writing a lovely blog post about the juicing and all its benefits, I couldn’t write anything, largely because I was too focused on wanting to inflict major bodily harm on any and all inanimate object that got in my way.

So, my advice to you, should you ever choose to do a juicing fast (and you really should;  It’s so good for you.  And I’m on day 5 now, so I’m very much in the zone of “WOOOO HOOOO, juicing ROCKS!!”):  Go easy on yourself and the people around you.  Treat yourself gently, and with patience, and with grace.

And for the love of all that is good and holy, don’t even think about mopping.

 

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Filed under about me, food, learning, life, natural health, nutrition, rant

Dear Chick Fil A: I Love You, But…

Chick Fil A.

You’re sick to death of hearing about it.  I am too.  BELIEVE ME, I am too.  Two days ago, I vowed I would not weigh in.   Yesterday I realized I had no choice, if for no other reason than to preserve my own sanity and get it off my chest, if not off my news feed.

I am a huge proponent of respecting other people’s right to have their own opinions, and to voice those opinions as they see fit.  Let me just start there.  One of the things that has bothered me about this from the start (and there are so very many things that bother me about it) is that those of us who don’t agree with Dan Cathy’s stance are getting accused of not respecting his right to free speech.   Of course he has the right to speak.  Is anyone actually saying he doesn’t?  That’s an honest question…  I’ve read so many ugly words coming from both sides that at some point I started tuning them out.

Another one I’m seeing a lot of is a graphic that says:  “‘I disagree’ is not equal to ‘I hate you.'”  Absolutely.  Merely disagreeing, and harboring hatred are two entirely different things.

Here’s the problem…

I’m of the opinion (and remember, Dan Cathy gets to have an opinion.  I get to have an opinion.  We all get to have an opinion) I’m of the opinion that the Bible is not nearly as black and white on the issue of homosexuality as most of my fellow Christians would have you believe.  Setting that conversation completely aside, let’s say for the sake of argument that homosexuality is wrong.  There still remains the fact that the Bible is exceedingly clear on one thing.  We are called to LOVE. 

Of course, of course!  Love the sinner, hate the sin. 

No.  No, no, no.  Love the sinner (and we’re all sinners).  Period.   I believe that that “Love the sinner, hate the sin” admonishment is one of the most hurtful and damaging phrases ever to be uttered.  If we’re actively hating something about someone else, we believe they should change.   We’re making our love conditional, and half-hearted at best.   In essence we’re saying, “I love you, but…” Can any good come after that ‘but’?   To truly and completely love, we just have to LOVE.   With no strings, and no conditions.  Think homosexuality is a sin?  So is pride.  So is arrogance.  So is gossip.  So is judgement.

Love anyway.

Chick Fil A donates money – millions of dollars worth of money – to organizations whose whole reason for existence is to fight against, and ostracize, gay individuals… including groups that link homosexuality to pedophilia, groups that feel homosexuality should be outlawed, groups that think homosexuals should be exported from our country, and groups that believe homosexuality is something that can be “prayed away.”  One of these groups is the Family Research Council, which has been designated a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center.  I ask you, implore you, in all sincerity …. if you were homosexual, or your child or your best friend or your brother were homosexual, would any of the above groups (or the organizations such as Chick Fil A that support them) make you feel particularly loved?

I’ll be honest:  I’ve never eaten at Chick Fil A, mainly because I just don’t eat that kind of food.  And I’m certainly not going to start now, not because I simply disagree (I want to be really clear about that) but because just as it’s their right to financially support blatantly anti-gay organizations, it’s my right not to.  And yes, I’m aware that I’m likely supporting other such organizations without even knowing about it…. but when you know better, you do better.   I want my dollars to support groups that promote love, not more division.

I have seen so much righteous indignation, name-calling, and judgment from both sides of the issue.   I’ve seen well-meaning Christians proudly boasting about their support of a company that they may or may not realize gives money to a known hate group; and I’ve seen detractors casually throwing out words like bigots, and homophobes, and haters.

I’ve seen people telling Dan Cathy in no uncertain terms where to go and how to get there.  And that’s clearly not the answer here either.

These are real people … people with failings and shortcomings to be sure … but real people, who are so much more than a cause or a principle or a religious or political crusade.  And as I’ve thought about it, and pulled it apart, and boiled it down, I’ve realized that my responsibility here is no more and no less than to love.  Simply.  Fully.  Unconditionally.

And man, it’s simple in premise but not always easy in practice.  It’s hard to love people sometimes.  Sadly, often sometimes, my fellow Christians are the hardest of all.  But I honestly do want to love like Jesus loved.  I don’t ever want to fall back on “loving the sinner and hating the sin.”  I don’t want to put conditions on my love.  I don’t want to be a hypocrite.  So I will say to Dan Cathy and to others who support groups that aim to oppress, disparage, and ostracize others,  “I love you”.

And then I’ll just stop talking.

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Filed under acceptance, bible, faith, hot topics, hypocrisy, kindness, life, perspective, rant, respect

Walking On Egg Shells

I hate the internet.  I mean, I love the internet.  But sometimes… I really hate it.  That has never been more true than it has the past couple of weeks.  I guess maybe I shouldn’t admit that, being a blogger, but there it is.  And it’s kind of the crux of my whole point today:  The things I shouldn’t say.

A few days ago, I saw a video going around Facebook.  It was a home video of a dad and his three kids singing Bohemian Rhapsody in their car.  We’re big Queen fans around here so I thought it was cute.  I was about to share to it, when I started skimming through some of the negative comments.  First there was horror that one of the little girls was sitting in the front seat.  Then there was something about the toddlers strap on his car seat.  That was all followed up with “What an inappropriate song to be singing with your kids!”   I thought about my own page, and how I’ve seen the same kind of comments on even the most innocuous seeming posts.  I didn’t really feel like getting into a lengthy and exhausting “thing” over a silly video.

So I didn’t share it.

And the more I thought about it, the more ticked off (at myself!) I felt.  I was really irritated that I wouldn’t post something that I liked, on my page, just because I knew there’d be negative reactions.  But the truth is, I’ve grown tired.

Lately there has been a barrage of videos, articles, and other posts about discipline that I’ve strongly disagreed with.  I have to really weigh whether I want to opine on them though, because doing so always gets me called judgemental.  And critical.  And hypocritical.  And why can’t I just “support other parents no matter how they do things?”    That goes doubly for when I talk about spanking.  Or crying it out.  Or dads shooting their daughter’s laptops.

I can’t express my opinions about schools either, because apparently that’s not fair to teachers (and the fact that I’ve never had a disparaging thing to say about teachers is of little consequence)

I have to be careful about writing too many happy, good-day stories about the kids, because those always invite the snarky, “Oh it must be so nice to have such a perfect life” comments.

I can’t write too many downer posts either, because those bring the admonishments to get over myself and Just Focus On The Positive.

When Kirk Cameron made his remarks about homosexuality recently, I was shushed before I even began to give an opinion.  (I disagreed with him, for whatever it’s worth)  I couldn’t say it though, without getting screamed at about how unfair I was being, and how mean it was, and how he was being unnecessarily bullied.   Besides, I was told, it was too controversial of a topic anyway.  It would alienate too many readers.     I should stick to writing about parenting (as long as I’m not being judgemental) or homeschooling (as long as I don’t mention school) or stories about my kids (as long as they’re not too happy.  Or too sad.)

I don’t like walking on egg shells.  Or writing on them, as it were.  I can’t write my blog to please other people.   I learned a long time ago that living your life to try to please others is a painful lesson in futility anyway.   I don’t want this space to become some watered down version of itself simply because it’s more comfortable.  I ultimately started it for myself, and while I’m very thankful that a few people seemed to read it and pay attention, at the end of the day I’d rather have a blog that’s authentic and read by 10 than a blog that’s “safe” and read by 10,000.

I was recently unfriended and subsequently blocked by a longtime Facebook friend.  I don’t know why.  I’m not welcome or able to contact her to tell her this, but I have to thank her in all sincerity.    Getting dumped as a friend – again – painful though it was, served as an impetus to once again renew my conviction to just be me.    I can’t do anything else.  How people respond to me, to my blog, to the things I share…. that’s their business, not mine.   I will fully admit that I haven’t gotten this blogging thing all figured out yet.  Or this parenting thing.  Or this life thing.  But I can also tell you – promise you even – that what you see here will be real… the good, the bad, the ugly;  whether you agree, disagree, or just don’t care.  It’ll be messy.  That’s real life.  And that’s me.

And to prove it, here’s that Queen video that I convinced myself not to post.  Enjoy it, or not. 🙂

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Filed under about me, blogging, Facebook, life, rant, writing

Not my idea of a hero

 

So by now, you’ve seen the video.  It’s gone viral ….  nearly 3 million views on my last check.  A father, angered by his daughter’s rant about him on her Facebook page, video-taped himself berating her, laying out her punishment, and ultimately taking his gun and shooting nine bullets through her laptop.

I don’t want to talk about that man.  All I can do is feel sorry for him.  Happy, well-adjusted people don’t go around taping themselves shooting holes in other people’s property.

I don’t want to talk about his daughter either.  I feel sorry for her too.  Being a teenager can be hard, and I can’t imagine that having a father who publicly humiliates you is helpful in that regard.   She obviously has an unhealthy, broken relationship with her parents.  And knowing first-hand what it’s like to have a GOOD relationship with my children… my heart breaks for her.

But no, the people I want to address aren’t the father or the daughter.  I want to address the people, the tens of thousands of people, who lauded him as father of the year.  Here are just a couple of remarks from his recent viewers:

This father ROCKS! Parents need to enforce more discipline with their kids these days instead of trying to be their friend or act their age.

This guy should be voted FATHER OF THE YEAR in the US and Canada!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DAD OF THE YEAR! I think this is amazing!

Dude…you are my HERO.

Seriously, I applaud you. A parent who is a parent and not the subjugated slave to the child. Love it.

Awesome! Well done.

You’re my new, best friend!

Has the world gone completely mad?  I don’t mean that facetiously either.  I am quite literally shocked and sickened that this is the behavior we as a society hold up as model parenting.   I hear people crying that kids today are too entitled, too spoiled, too disrespectful…. and this is going to help with that?!   If this girl IS in fact acting too entitled, spoiled, and disrespectful, where might she have learned that?

Yes!  Let’s strive to be more like this man!  Let’s belittle and humiliate our children.   Let’s destroy their property.  Let’s respond to hurt and frustration with violence.  Let’s throw discussion and mutual respect and love out the window and grab our gun when it’s time for conflict resolution.  And let’s tape ourselves doing it!!  Let’s make parenting into nothing more than a schoolyard fight, a tit-for-tat war of words in which NO ONE wins, in which we stoop to the lowest common denominator, and we see who can throw the biggest tantrum.  Yes, let’s look to this man in awe.   What a hero.   What a father.  What a MAN. 

In all sincerity, I want to ask you this:  If you agree with this man’s actions, if you think this is something we should emulate… how would you feel if you were his daughter?   For that matter, how would you feel if he’d taken this action against you as a co-worker, or a relative, or a friend?

And if you tell me it’d make you see the error of your ways, if you tell me it’d make you have new respect for him… you’re lying.

All of us – as parents, as children, as friends, as citizens – respond to kindness, not to cruelty.  We respond to gentleness.  We respond to patience.  We respond to feeling that we are being heard.

This man was no doubt hurt by his daughter’s words on Facebook.   Was she wrong in posting them?   From the little that I can tell, this was a child venting to her friends, not unlike something one would write in a private diary.  Her words were strong, yes, which only shines light on how deeply she was feeling when she wrote them.     I saw many comments that said something to the effect of, “Oh she was just trying to get attention.”  And I agree!  She probably was.  It was a probably a last-ditch, desperate attempt to say, “Hey.  Mom.  Dad.  I’m hurting here.”  If that were my child writing that letter, I would first take a good long look in the mirror.  Then I would TALK TO MY CHILD.  I would try to heal that relationship before it was too late.   I would not put the final nail in the coffin (or the bullet in the laptop as it were) by publicly humiliating her, mocking her, and destroying her things.  I would not act with a knee-jerk reaction that would almost certainly ensure that she’d be pushed further away, possibly for the rest of my life.

Our job as parents is to protect our kids.  To love them, to guide them, and yes… to model appropriate behavior for them.  This man called his daughter disrespectful.  Were HIS actions respectful?  He called her immature.  Were HIS actions mature?

Parenting is hard!  I won’t argue that.  Just as with any other worthwhile relationship, there are bumps.  There are ups and downs.   There are tough spots, and sweet spots, and every-other-kind of spots in between.  It takes a lot of heart, a lot of patience, a lot of listening, and a lot of give-and-take.  What I saw in that video wasn’t heart.  It wasn’t patience.  It wasn’t listening.  It wasn’t give and take.  It was a bully of a man having a public meltdown, and making sure he took his daughter down with him.

His behavior is not something to emulate.

It’s not something to aspire to.

It’s not something to praise.

It’s a sad, angry spectacle by a sad, angry man.  It’s a cautionary tale about what not to do if you ever want to have a close, mutually respectful relationship with your child.

(If you want to read more, check out Demand Euphoria, A Bona Fide Life, and freeplaylifeThank you for being voices of reason in the midst of insanity)

 

 

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Filed under hot topics, mindful parenting, parenting, rant

Breastfeeding in Public: Can we stop being stupid?

Fact: Breastfeeding in public is legal in all 50 states.

Fact: 45 states (including Texas) have specifically expressed, written laws further clarifying that a breastfeeding mother has the right to breastfeed her child anywhere and everywhere that she, the mother, has a legal right to be. (Check this link if you’re interested in state-by-state laws)

Fact: When employees at the Pure Fitness for Women club in Spring, Texas, asked a breastfeeding mother to move to a more “private” area, they were in fact breaking the law.

Those are facts. This is my opinion: I think it is completely and utterly ridiculous that breastfeeding moms are still, in 2011, having to deal with such ignorance and discrimination. Mothers have only been feeding their babies in this way since THE BEGINNING OF TIME. Long before the modern advent of formula and bottles, long before uptight misguided fitness club employees declared it inappropriate (while fellow patrons looked on in their barely-there lycra and spandex), long before we as a society lost sight of what was good and healthy and normal and right.

We are mammals, and that is how mammals feed their young. That’s a fact too. Your personal feelings of disagreement or discomfort can’t and don’t change biology. It bothers me – literally almost pains me – that people fail to recognize it for what it is: a mother feeding her baby in the way that her body was intended to feed a baby.

In an official statement following the incident, Pure Fitness made the following remarks:

“We have thousands of members’ children that do not understand,” the club stated. “At that age it is the discretion of the parent to determine if at a kids club age the child should learn about the benefits and reasons for breast feeding. We feel that children should not be exposed to these events without every parent being ok with their child being exposed to the action.”

I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but am I the only one who recognizes how ignorant – even stupid – these comments sound?

“We have thousands of members’ children that do not understand”.
Such a tough thing to understand… A mom feeding a child. It’s a wonder my non-college educated brain could wrap itself around the concept soon enough to feed my own children. If a child asks, the answer is: “That’s how she feeds her baby. It’s how I fed you (or if you didn’t breastfeed, how Aunt Suzy or Grandma or the neighbor or someone else your child knows fed their baby)” It’s not rocket science, folks.

“At that age it is the discretion of the parent to determine if at a kids club age the child should learn about the benefits and reasons for breast feeding.”
Benefits and reasons? Sure, a 5 year old doesn’t necessarily need a detailed list of the physical and emotional benefits of breastfeeding for the mother and child, nor would he even understand it all. But the act of eating and getting nourishment is something even a baby can understand. It is, again, a biological necessity, and one that is appropriate for discussion with any and ALL ages. Is there honestly a mother out there who would not want her child to know about the “benefits and reasons” for breastfeeding?

“We feel that children should not be exposed to these events without every parent being ok with their child being exposed to the action.” I feel like I’m just repeating myself now, but “these events”, this “action” in question was a MOM FEEDING HER BABY. Can I say that again?

This was a mom feeding her baby.

She was exercising her right – both her human right and the right given to her by law – to feed her hungry child.

She wasn’t doing anything wrong.
She wasn’t doing anything indecent.
She wasn’t doing anything inappropriate.
She wasn’t doing anything illegal.

She was feeding a child. And she was asked to leave.

It’s 2011. I’d like to think I live in the real world, most of the time, but I’m having a very hard time understanding why we haven’t come further than this. We should be informed by now. We should be enlightened by now. Can we please, please, stop being so stupid?

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Filed under attachment parenting, breastfeeding, hot topics, parenting, rant

Things That Make Me Go Hmm

The news stories that have been popping up on the internet lately have been coming from a veritable pool of craziness. Just when I think our world can’t get any more absurd, I read things like this that prove me wrong.

Isn’t this offensive?  Shield your kids!

Really?

This is not even about extended nursing (or as I like to call it, “regular length” nursing) In fact, I’d love for it be a non-issue altogether. This is just how we were designed. No matter how you personally feel about it, nursing a two year old is normal. The worldwide weaning average is still 4 years, so in many houses, nursing a five or six year old is normal too.

This is about an utterly ridiculous, and illogical, law whose goal it is to exert more control over the masses.  It’s not about nudity (as it claims) because if it were, short shorts would have to be outlawed too.  They show far more skin than a breastfeeding mother.  Tube tops, tank tops, anything cleavage-baring: a million times more revealing than a nursing mom.

Heck, let’s pass laws about flip-flops and hem lines and sheer fabrics.

Is it about someone feeding or comforting their child?  Maybe the-powers-that-be feel that becomes inappropriate once the child is two?  Then outlaw pacifiers in public too.  Outlaw sippy cups.  Outlaw those little round snack containers packed with Cheerios.   You probably ought to outlaw hugs too, and holding your child all together, lest anyone get the wrong idea.  And for pete’s sake, have your child’s birth certificate readily available, because they reserve the right to verify their age at any time. 

Such a bold and productive new step for our country.  Way to go, Georgia.

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Filed under attachment parenting, breastfeeding, freedom, hot topics, parenting, rant

Little Girls in Pretty Dresses

A couple of weeks ago, during the Spilled Milk debacle, I got a curious comment that said something to the effect of, “I’m just wondering why you have such an aversion to anger, which is a normal human emotion?” The comment quite honestly left me a little confused, because I didn’t understand how my desire to stay calm during what was a typical 3 year old exploration equated to having an aversion to the emotion in general. As I said at the time, I do get mad occasionally (because I’m human), but I just feel that it has to be something really worthy of an emotion as strong as anger.

Well let me be perfectly and painstakingly clear when I say: Today, I am angry.

Interestingly, the internet – which is also filled with light and inspiration to be sure – supplied me with more than a few nuggets of frustration today. This led me to do some serious head shaking. This got my feathers all kinds of ruffled. But this, this made me flat out mad.

In what kind of world is injecting your 8 year old child’s face with a toxin, in a quest for perfection, okay? Or subjecting her to painful body waxes to ward off unwanted, and inevitable, hair growth in puberty? Or saying that you’d “rather she be perfect and have a little frozen face?” In what kind of reality should an 8 year old ever have to feel that she needs to check nightly for wrinkles, or that it takes these kinds of procedures for her to “look way better…beautiful…pretty….all those kinds of nice words?” In what kind of society should a child this age even be aware of the existence of a rhinoplasty or a breast augmentation, let alone desire to have either one?

My heart is broken for this girl. This beautiful little girl whose innocence is lost. This girl who will never measure up, who will spend her whole life lost in chasing the unattainable. This girl who is being taught by the person that she is supposed to trust the most that she is not good enough. This girl without a mother holding her sticky hand, playing with her tangled hair, telling her, “You are perfect, JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.”

I’m angry. I am. What in the world is this beauty pageant, Toddlers In Tiaras, bikini-waxing, hair bleaching culture doing to these little girls? Spray tans, eyebrow threading, false eyelashes, hair extensions, hair straighteners, hair curlers, face makeup, body makeup, push up bras! And now Botox? POISON, painfully injected into their faces? These are little girls. Girls who should be running through the playground, playing tag with their friends, and building forts in their backyard…. not worrying about being prettier, or sexier, or more of a superstar than their preschool counterpart standing next to them.

Please, please, can we let our children be children? But more than that, can we please let them know that they are unconditionally loved? That they are beautifully, and uniquely, and perfectly created exactly as they are? No matter what size they are, or how tall or short, or how straight or how curly. Whether they have freckles, or birthmarks, or thick eyebrows, or no eyebrows. Whether they walk differently, or talk differently, or think differently. Is it too much to ask that we recognize and appreciate the inherent beauty in all children when they are allowed to be children … not when they’re falsely plucked, polished, and pressured into being somebody else’s distorted version of perfect?

I want to know when someone’s going to stand up and say, “Enough.” I want to know when someone is going to be the voice of reason, and compassion, and what’s right. These girls are being damaged and abused. Not just in ways we can see right now, but in ways we can only imagine for the rest of their lives.

They are beautiful the way they are.

And Moms? You’re beautiful the way you are too. But you’re adults. If you want bigger breasts, or a smaller nose, or a smoother face, it’s your body. Have at it.

But I beg you, please, leave your little girls alone.

Be the mom.
Be the one who protects her.
Be the one person in her life she can count on for unconditional love, acceptance, and devotion.

Be the person you want her to see reflected in your eyes every time she looks at you…. someone who is beautiful not because of what she does or does not look like, but because of who she is.

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