Category Archives: teens

November 14, 2014 · 7:24 PM

Ten Tips for Happier Living With Your Teenager

I love teenagers.

I’m lucky enough to have two (so far) of my own, but I love getting to borrow other people’s teens as well.

Teens are awesome. They’re smart and funny and interesting, and some of the most multi-faceted people I know. One minute they have more maturity than an adult …. and the next they’re simply really tall children, embracing all the sense of play and wonder that too many people lose as they get older. One of my favorite memories of the conference was when I peeked into the teen room at one point to see that all the tables had been tipped on their sides, pushed together, and covered with table cloths to make a really huge fort… much like a toddler would do with sheets in the living room. 🙂 Even now, nearly two months later, it still makes me smile.

They’re wonderful.

Which is why, when I read articles like the one I just read that advised controlling your teen through shame and humiliation, one of the many things I feel is genuine fear that people are missing out on what could potentially be one their favorite stages of life with their children.

And yes, there are challenges, as there are at any age, in any relationship. Parenting a teenager is a whole different ball game than parenting a younger child, to be sure. But the answer to the struggles is not more control, but more understanding.

Here then are 10 things that help my relationship with my teens stay as close and connected as it was when they were little:

1. Respect their need to hibernate – When Spencer (now 17) was going through puberty, he started sleeping…. a LOT. It honestly felt like he was sleeping 20 hours a day, although I’m sure it wasn’t really that much. When he wasn’t sleeping, he was lounging with a remote or a PS3 control, and my formally talkative, animated kid mostly grunted to me in response. I was starting to get genuinely concerned until I started asking my friends with older kids and they all assured me that it is very very normal, and that my job was to basically just keep on loving him and not try to change him. The fresh perspective helped when Paxton started going through it a couple years later. “Yes! I remember this! And it’s okay.” Teens hibernate sometimes. They’re going through major changes and they may withdraw/sleep/grump for weeks or months or years. It’s okay. Respect it.

2. Respect their right to privacy – I can think of no way quicker way to break trust (with anyone, but particularly with a teenager) than by snooping through their things, demanding personal information, or not respecting their space. YES, be involved in their lives. YES, have open lines of communication. YES, work with them to help keep them safe. But rifling through rooms and phones and Facebook accounts only destroys trust, creates feelings of violation, and widens the gulf between you.

3. Respect their individuality – I have two very different teenagers. One’s a sharer. One holds his cards very close to his chest. One’s an extrovert. One needs to spend massive amounts of time in his room to recover after any sort of event. One has a wickedly dry sense of humor. One laughs when someone says “balls.” I love them both equally, and I love spending time with them both equally, but my time spent with each is different, and it wouldn’t be fair to expect anything else. Allowing someone to be themselves is one of the greatest gifts you can give them, especially during teenhood, a time when their sense of self can be so tenuous.

4. Remember what it was like to be a teenager – I was 15 the first time I truly got my heart broken by a boy. Whenever I think of being a teen, that immediately springs to mind. But whether it was boys or teachers or peer pressure or betrayals of false friends or just feeling like NOBODY UNDERSTANDS, being a teen was HARD. Life felt like an emergency. All. The. Time. My body was changing; Hormones were raging; I was trying to figure out who I was, where I fit, what the world meant. I was stressed out and confused and uncomfortable in my own skin. Now, admittedly I don’t see nearly as much of that in my own teens (some of which can probably be attributed to genetics, and some to unschooling). Their transition to teenhood has been a much smoother ride, and they’re generally drama-free. But. There are moments, for sure, that are difficult, and the very best that I can do to help is truly remember how it felt so I can listen sincerely, empathize honestly, and when there is nothing else to say, offer a genuine, “Yeah, life really sucks sometimes. But it does get better.”

5. Encourage their independence – Earlier this fall, Paxton flew to Michigan (at 14) to stay with friends for a couple of weeks. This was a first for both of us, and I missed him terribly – I’ve faced up to the fact that I just feel the best when all of my chicks are “in the nest” – but it was an amazing and important trip for him, and one that gave him the confidence to do more traveling on his own. So while my instinct nearly told me to throw my arms around his ankles and beg him not to go (in a slightly less dramatic fashion, of course), I knew that it was a positive thing for both of us. Letting go is just as much a part of parenting as holding on, from the small ways to the large, and being a parent to a teenager means letting go again and again. Independence is an important part of a child’s growing autonomy, especially as a teen, and it’s our job to honor it. BUT,

6. Don’t PUSH their independence – There’s no magic age at which a person needs to: get a job, get a driver’s license, or for that matter, fly solo across the country to visit a friend.Everyone’s path is different; everyone’s time-table is different. Life is not a race to the finish line. One person’s journey is not better than another’s, and it’s remarkably unfair as a parent to compare. Sometimes a teen needs wings to fly. Sometimes he needs someone to sit by his side and say, “I’ll be here as long as you need me.” It doesn’t matter what your niece or your friend’s son or the go-getter across the street is doing. What your child needs from you is for you to support THEM, exactly as they are. Encouraging, cheering, supporting…. but never PUSHING before they’re ready.

7. Check in with them often – Remember the hibernating from point #1? It can be SO easy to just let them do their thing and only say hello if you happen to cross paths when they finally got hungry enough to come out to the kitchen to make a sandwich. And, for sure, there is a certain degree of giving them their space that’s not just okay but necessary. But relationships can’t exist in a vaccuum. They need consistent care in order to thrive. Have dinner together.Find out what’s new. Bring her a fun snack when she’s at her computer. Ask him about the book he’s reading. Surprise them with the movie they’ve been wanting to see. You can’t maintain a healthy relationship without connections, and you can’t have connections without taking the time to make them.

8. Be interested and interesting – One of the truly fun things about having teens is that they’re able to discuss and have opinions about more “grown up” things like current events, shared TV shows, or politics. I love getting my boys’ perspective on all of the above, and I share my own thoughts freely. Similarly, I show an interest in their interests (which, admittedly doesn’t always come naturally. I’m not a video game player for instance, and all of my kids are. I’m learning) If it’s important to them, I respect it. I listen to their stories. I share articles/websites/videos that I think they’ll be interested in. I share of myself too! I’ll tell them the funny thing that happened when I was at yoga. I’ll talk about the blog post I’m writing. In short, I involve them in my life, and – when I’m invited – I involve myself in theirs.

9. Don’t take everything personally – So, I’m sensitive, and I have a tendency to get my feelings hurt easily, especially when it comes to the kids. Experience has taught me that this is NOT a helpful trait, particularly in the arena of parenting teens. As I said above, being a teen can be hard, and that hardness sometimes spills, leaks, or spews out as something resembling sarcasm or sullenness or anger or selfishness. In other words, they’re human, just like the rest of us, doing their best to deal with life and circumstances and big, big changes. I remember once when one of my boys and I went through a phase when we were seemingly butting heads daily, and I inevitably went to bed with my feelings hurt just about every time. It was just a season – in hindsight, it didn’t last long, but in the moment it felt like it went on forever. At the height of it, I cried – bawled – one day in the car, hurt because we’d had plans together and he backed out at the last minute. I allowed myself that sadness, but then I took a step back and reminded myself: “It’s not about me.” I’d gotten hurt with collateral damage, yes, but it was really, truly not about me. It was just something he was going through, a messy period of growth, and my internalizing it and getting all visibly upset about it not only didn’t help, but also just prolonged the problem. Once I recognized that, and emotionally extricated myself from the situation, it gave him the space to work through whatever it was he was working through, he realized I was on his side, and our relationship rapidly improved.

10. Don’t be afraid to be their friend – No, not someone who just tells them what they want to hear, and not someone who’s only around for the fun stuff, but an actual friend. Listen without judgement, accept them for who they are, be someone they can trust at all times. Be the one they can ask about last week’s Breaking Bad, AND about last weeks election. Be the one they feel they can come to with their celebrations AND their heartache.

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Above all, be their constant. Their unshakable, unmovable rock in a world and life that’s so rife with change and uncertainty. It’ll be hard sometimes, but it’ll also be oh so very very worth it. Because despite what the overly negative, mainstream, “Just wait till your kids are teens” admonitions may try to tell you, teens are amazing. And the person who gets to parent one (or 2 or 3 or 4) is a lucky, lucky parent indeed.

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Filed under gentle parenting, parenting, teens

August 28, 2013 · 8:15 PM

Teens. And then there were two.

Today is Paxton’s birthday.

I love my kids’ birthdays, because they give me a chance to unabashedly wallow in nostalgia… to re-live every last little detail of the day I met them. That goes for all my kids, but Paxton’s birth especially was just so.. so.. perfect. It really was perfect. I was 8 centimeters dilated by the time we got to the hospital, he was born less than half an hour later, and he was put straight up on my chest. None of this weighing, checking, wrapping business. Just me, my husband, and our baby. It was lovely.

And then he started screaming. Oh the screaming! Even the nurses commented on his “healthy lungs.” I remember the one time I let them convince me to take him to the nursery for awhile so I could rest (I would make a difference choice now), I could hear him wailing – loudly – the entire length of the hall as they wheeled him back to us. “Oh you’ve got a night owl here!” the nurse told us with a wink.

She wasn’t kidding.

He barely slept for the next 3 years, and he displayed exactly two emotions: utter glee and goofiness, and really pissed off. There was seldom anything in between. He wore his heart on his sleeve, and while it exhausted me at times, I loved that about him. He was passionate, and strong, and confident, and so uniquely different from his big brother.

The ironic part? That boy, the one who screamed for the first quarter of his life, is now the most laid-back teenager you’d ever hope to meet. That’s right, today Paxton turns 13, officially making me the mother of two teenagers.

I wrote about having teenagers a couple months ago, and while the response was mostly positive, it made a few (vocal) people cranky. It seems that daring to have a good relationship with your teens – and then having the audacity to write about it – comes across as a personal affront to some people. I’ve learned that a subset of the people who read my blog only want me to be honest when it comes to the messy, and ugly, and difficult. They’d rather celebrate my failures than my happiness, because it makes them feel better. What a sad commentary. And you know what? I’m not going to apologize for having a good relationship with my teens. I’m not. Because I do have a good relationship with my teens. I do love having teens. And THAT is something that’s worth celebrating. There are awesome and notable things about all ages, for sure, but there’s just something really… cool about teenagers. They’re fun (in an entirely different way than playing cars and coloring with the little ones is fun). They’re interesting. They have great perspectives.

But I digress.

So Paxton is thirteen. And as I said, ridiculously laid-back. He’s also funny, and kind, and a gifted writer, and a kick-ass guitar player. He’s by far the biggest introvert of all four kids, which means that 1) he’s most at home when he’s in his little man-cave on his computer, and 2) I can relate to him in a way that I can’t relate to the others. We’re often joking about venturing out where “all the people are,” and I know he gets it. He’s also inherited from me the clumsiness that comes from a long line of Vogels… although I prefer to think of it as “spatially creative.” The similarity ends there though, as he loves computers, video games, math, and brain teas-y type puzzles … the kind of things that make my brain explode. He’s a loyal friend (like, fiercely loyal), a patient big brother, and honestly has a stronger sense of self at 13 than I ever had until I was in my 30’s. He knows who he is, and is not afraid of it.

He’s one of my favorite people on this planet to hang out with, chat with, and laugh with. He’s made me a better mother, a better person, and a better friend.

Paxton, you’re awesome, and I’m so glad I get to be your mom.

Love, Mom

P.S. Sorry your cupcakes sank.

Just Wait Till Your Kids Are Teens

“Just wait till your kids are teens.”

“It’s different with teens, you’ll see.”

“You know what TEENS are like!”

The above are just a few of the (paraphrased) comments I’ve gotten from readers who don’t realize that I already have teenagers. They’ll be negative and condescending and almost … smug … when they say things like, “Maybe gentle parenting works now, but just wait until you have teenagers. You’ll be changing your tune then.” Or, “Ha ha, I can’t wait until your kids are teenagers and you get your wakeup call.” Or, “I used to feel the same way as you, and then I had teens.”

Now, setting aside the fact that essentially rooting for me to fail as a parent is a lousy thing to do, comments like this just further perpetuate the unfair negative stereotype that far too many people hold about teens. Teens are rebellious, teens are sullen, teens are entitled, teens hate their parents. Teens are rude, arrogant, eye-rolling, miscreants. Did I get them all? Society’s villification of teens is real, and it’s not okay.

If you expect teens (or really, anyone) to behave in a negative way, what kind of behavior do you suppose you’ll see? The negative!

The opposite is true as well. When you expect kindness… when you give kindness… you get kindness in return.

At the time of this writing, Spencer is 16; and Paxton, though he won’t technically turn 13 until August, has – due to both his maturity and the fact that he has physically towered over me for almost a year now – felt like an honorary teen for at least the past 6 months. I am enjoying them now as much as I ever have, if not moreso. And it’s not that I don’t enjoy the younger ages. I do. It’s just that there’s something really really cool about getting to relate to them on a whole new level, getting more and more glimpses into the men that they’ll become, and getting to watch as they grow into these cool, funny, thoughtful young adults.

It makes me sad to see such broad misconceptions about teens out there, and to see so many people accept it as a given that their parent/child relationship is going to suffer once puberty hits. It doesn’t have to be that way. And if you keep the lines of communication open.. if you talk with your kids.. if you LISTEN to your kids.. if you respect your kids.. if you give your kids space.. if you let your kids make choices… there is no reason to think or to assume that the teen years can’t be just as happy and fun and connected as the years leading up to it.

Are there bumps along the way? Are there new issues to work through, new growth to be had as a parent? Are there challenges? Of course! It’s a crazy time, being a teenager. There are big questions, and big feelings, and big ideas. There are raging hormones, and body changes, and new relationships… all to be dealt with with one foot still in childhood, and one foot reaching, reaching out into the great vastness of “adulthood.” I remember being a teenager well, and it was not easy. Nothing about it was easy. Wouldn’t it follow then that as parents we should be more kind and more patient and more compassionate during those years of transition instead of less? Instead of subscribing to this idea that teens are somehow “less than”? Instead of sighing and huffing and joining in on the common refrain of complaining about “these teens today?”

Shouldn’t we be embracing them?

As I sit here and look at those comments I opened with, I can’t help but think of the good that could come from reading them with positive intent instead of the way they were said to me:

“Just wait till your kids are teens.” Yes, just wait. You will love it! Teens are fun and interesting and full of great ideas, great insights, and great conversation.

“It’s different with teens, you’ll see.” Yes, very different. They use the bathroom and bathe all by themselves. They make their own sandwiches. They’re able to have big discussions about things like politics and religion and what happened on last week’s Dexter. They astound you with their maturity one minute, and crack you up with their child-like antics the next.

“You know what TEENS are like!” Yes, yes I do. Teens rock.

Anybody who’s fortunate enough to be able to parent or befriend a teenager is a lucky person indeed.

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Filed under gentle parenting, mindful parenting, misconceptions, parenting, teens

January 31, 2012 · 6:00 AM

Tough Love

I have been spending ~~too much~~ a little bit of spare time on Pinterest. If you’re not familiar with it, it is essentially a virtual bulletin board, where you can create different boards for different things (recipes, vacation ideas, crafts…. whatever you’d like) and then “pin” the photos for various links you want to save. You can share pins with others, browse what your friends are pinning, and “like”, comment on, and re-pin others’ pins. I’m a visual person, so I find the very concept incredibly fun and inspiring – all those annoying photos of people making heart shapes with their fingers notwithstanding.

A side effect of Pinterest though, is the visceral reaction I feel when I come across a parenting-related ‘pin’ that I disagree with. It inevitably goes something like this:

HappyHappyHappy, PinPinPin, What?Oh.Yuck. I finally decided to start saving these pins too, to inspire me in a different way, and to remind me of what I don’t want to do. The most recent one was a photo of a handwritten note taped to what was presumably a front door, that read:

You have missed curfew! Do not knock or ring the doorbell. You may sleep on the patio. I have been generous this time and provided a blanket.

Now, I don’t know the origin of this note. Maybe it wasn’t real. Maybe it was a joke. Or maybe it was very real, and the person who wrote it thought it’d be funny to share it.

I’m not laughing. I don’t think it’s funny when kids are mistreated.

What bothered me much more than the note though, was the sheer number of comments beneath it, praising its author for such exemplary parenting. Since when did locking your child out of the house for the night become the harbinger of excellence in parenting?

I keep hearing that too many teens today are so disrespectful. Bratty. Entitled. And you know what? That well may be the case. I wouldn’t know. My teen, his 11 year old brother (who in many respects acts like a teen) and all their teenaged friends are delightful, pleasant people who I’m always happy to be around. But for the sake of argument, I’ll say that the naysayers are right. Teens today are more troubled than ever before. If that were true, would it make any kind of logical sense to be anything but more compassionate, more available, and more engaged? Would it not be more important than EVER to be there for them, to be their partner, to be that person – maybe the only person in their life – who takes them by the hand and says, “You know what, no matter what happens, I’m on your side.” It seems to me that the teenaged years are a time to keep your relationship a top priority, not a time to actually further remove yourself from their lives (which, if you’re banishing them to the front porch is exactly what you’re doing… in a best-case scenario)

But he needs to be taught a lesson! He needs to learn he can’t miss curfew!

I would argue that the curfew was unnecessary in the first place. People with trusting relationships don’t need to place arbitrary limits on each other’s comings and goings. But the curfew was there, and for whatever reason he missed it. So what lesson might he learn from his parents’ actions? For one thing, he’ll learn not to get caught next time. He’ll learn not to trust his parents, and that his parents don’t trust him. He’ll learn that being out with his friends feels like a safer, happier, more accepting place than being in his own home. He’ll learn that when he goes through a difficult period or a struggle or a hard time in his life (and he will go through a difficult period or a struggle or a hard time in his life) that his parents will be the last people he can turn to for unconditional love, honest advice, and a supportive, sympathetic ear.

Being a teenager can be challenging at times, to be sure. You’re trying to find your place in the world, you’re walking the fine precipice between childhood and adulthood, you’re pushing your own limits, and you’re figuring out how you want to navigate the life that’s unfolding around you. In many ways, it’s not unlike the growing pains that my soon to be 4-year-old is experiencing, as she steps from babyhood to being a “big girl.” Helping her, and my boys, as they transition to the next phase of their lives is teaching me to be even more present in their lives. To be even more of a parent, a partner, and a friend. To be more compassionate, to be more understanding, and to be more connected.

And I can’t very well do that if I’m locking them out of the house.

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Filed under gentle parenting, mindful parenting, parenting, teens

February 7, 2010 · 7:35 PM

Teens and Toddlers

We have two big birthdays coming up in a couple of weeks. On February 19th, Spencer will become on a teenager. Three days later, Tegan turns two.

I think it’s interesting that we’re reaching both these milestones within just a couple days of each other, as both ages live in infamy for their own particular set of negative stereotypes… the sullen, aloof, eye-rolling teenager; and the opinionated, tantrum-throwing “terrible twos.” What a sad and demeaning way to view such cool ages!

I am enjoying spending time with Spencer as much as I ever have, possibly more than I ever have. While still loving his trucks, legos, and Nerf guns, his interests are also taking a decidedly more “grownup” turn. He’s fascinated with medicine, with forensics, with science fiction. We watch doctor and detective shows together; we’ve had lengthy discussions about Haiti, the economy, and different religions. He’s constantly learning about new cooking techniques, and is absorbing information from my nutrition classes right at my side. He is sweet, he’s affectionate, and he never lets a day go by without telling me he loves me.

And Tegan: I can only wish for a fraction of her joy, her innocence, and her boundless energy. The world is so big and exciting to a two year old, and everything from from a pile of sand to a flower to a shiny – or not-so-shiny – rock is something to celebrate. Tegan reminds me that the world is beautiful. She loves to sing, dance, jump, and pretend. She is extremely verbal, and carries on the most incredibly intricate conversations from her unique two-year-old perspective. She is funny, and gets me laughing to the point of tears, and often. And CUTE??!! They simply don’t come much cuter.

They’re not perfect. Their brothers aren’t perfect. And guess what,

their parents aren’t perfect either.

But the way I see it, I can either shake my head and moan and complain about the inevitable difficult days, or I can celebrate their wonderfully complicated personalities, hearts, minds, and souls…. at every age.

I choose the celebrating.

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Filed under parenting, Spencer, teens, Tegan