Category Archives: Uncategorized

The Life-Changing Art of Asking For the Bean Dip

The other day someone came to me for advice. She is a brand new unschooler, and she wanted to know what to do about friends/family members who were giving her negative feedback about her decisions. She was really upset about it, and felt attacked. It also made her feel insecure and unsure about the path she was taking (even though in her heart she knew it was the right choice for her family), and she wondered if they were right. All I can think about when I get that question – and it’s something I get a lot – is:

Pass the bean dip.

It’s something I’m thankful to have heard about very early on in my parenting/unschooling journey, and it quite literally saved my sanity when it felt like everyone wanted to tell me what I was doing “wrong.” I don’t know who coined it (and if it was you, let me know so I can credit you!) but it was something that floated around the unschooling community back in the early 2000’s, in the days of forums and email lists.

Imagine you’re at a dinner when the criticism comes, you answer briefly, and then change the subject. It goes like this:

Don’t you worry about socialization?

No, I don’t. Please pass the bean dip.

They won’t learn to read or write or do math.

They are doing great! Please pass the bean dip.

I worry that they won’t be prepared for the real world.

This works for us. Please pass the bean dip.

Another thing we got a lot of when the kids were little was subtle (or not so subtle) testing and quizzing of the kids, in an attempt to see if they were on par with their peers. It was insulting and irritating, and it got shut down quick.

It takes some practice, to be sure, but after some time it gets easy. If you’re new and it feels overwhelming, it is okay (and good!) to set a boundary: Criticisms about how you live your life will not be welcomed. And I can say with 100% confidence that after 20-some-odd years of practice, that critiques of my parenting or educational choices don’t bother me anymore. Not even a little bit. Not even at all. I literally don’t care. Most of my naysayers are on Facebook these days, which makes it even easier to move on. A snotty comment? Delete. A not-as-snotty but still uncalled for comment? Ignore. A poorly worded question that could actually be sincere? Benefit of the doubt, an answer, and a request for bean dip at the ready. It has taken me a very long time, but I’ve realized that I don’t have to let anyone else’s opinions and criticisms take up any space in my head. They have the autonomy to feel what they feel, and say what they say. I have the autonomy to ignore it. (see my post People Are the Weather for more on that.)

I will say, in the interest of full disclosure, that though it truly doesn’t bother me when it comes to parenting and schooling, it still sometimes gets under my skin when it’s to do with my faith (hello, religious trauma.) And it shouldn’t. It’s not that it makes me question my beliefs (it doesn’t.) It’s not that it makes me feel insecure, or sad, or angry. But it does make me feel some type of way, and I’m still working through that. Earlier this week, I posted something about my beliefs on my personal Facebook page, and right on schedule came That Guy. The one who NEVER comments on my posts, but conveniently shows up when he disagrees, to show me the error of my ways. Am I the only one who has people like that on my friends list? His comment was arrogant and preachy, and clearly appeared to try to “get me.” I ignored it, but it annoyed me. It also annoys me that I’m still thinking of it four days later. It’s a process.

And don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I ignore everything and everyone with a different perspective. I don’t. In fact, sometimes I deliberately read/watch/listen to opinions that are different than my own just to hear the other side. Just to hold them up to the light against my own. Just to see how I really feel. It doesn’t often change my mind, but it keeps my mind open. It keeps me learning. It keeps me practicing grace.

But outright criticism of my choices? Criticism of how I live my life? Criticism of who I am as a person? That’s not welcome. You can say what you want, and I can walk away.

And I’ll be headed straight for the bean dip.

Leave a Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Yes, It’s Okay To Be Fat

I have a few really specific memories around food and my body from when I was growing up. 1) I remember being asked, “Do you know how many calories are in that??” I was eating oatmeal at the time. 2) I remember lying on my side on the floor, somewhere in the throes of puberty, and my mom commenting that I was getting “curvy.” 3) I remember getting praised for having a smaller body (because I was starving myself.)

I don’t remember making any huge parenting decisions regarding this when I was a kid, but I sure as hell did when I got older: My kids were going to be raised differently. There would be no body comments. No shame around food. No demonizing calories. No diets. They would learn to have a good and healthy relationship with food and their bodies, not the disordered one that caused me to starve myself well into my 20’s 30’s 40’s if I’m being brutally honest.

And they do. They trust their bodies. They know when they’re hungry and when they’re full. They know what makes them feel good and what doesn’t. (They also know if they happen to eat something that doesn’t make them feel the best, it’s not the end of the world.) They know there’s no such thing as good food or bad food, just foods with different nutrient density. They know that bodies come in all shapes and sizes, that all bodies are good bodies, and that it is never our place to comment on someone else’s body or food choices. They also know that you can never know someone’s health status, eating habits, or exercise regime just by looking at them.

I posted the above meme because I wholeheartedly agree with it. Every word. I think more kids, and more families, would be both healthier and happier if they really took those words to heart. It would take some major un-doing for some people to be sure, but the rewards are well worth the effort.

Most of the responses were positive, but one immediately stuck out like a neon sign.

Why would you let your child believe that being fat is okay?

Short answer: Because it is.

Longer answer: Bodies come in all shapes and sizes. There are a million factors that go into the size of a person’s body, many of which have nothing to do with individual behaviors. Genetics, cultural background, medical conditions, mental illness, disabilities, medications… just to name a few.

But, but… Their health! You cannot tell someone’s health status just by looking at them. I feel like I can’t state that enough. YOU CANNOT TELL SOMEONE’S HEALTH STATUS JUST BY LOOKING AT THEM. A person in a larger body could very well be active, healthy, have immaculate blookwork, and eat a varied, nutrient dense diet. Thin ≠ healthy.

Here’s the thing, though. And if you read nothing else, please read this. Even if someone IS unhealthy, regardless of the size of their body, and regardless of the reason for the size of their body: They don’t owe you good health. Good health is not a moral obligation. Yes, it would be great if everyone was healthy, especially our loved ones, but it’s not their job to improve their health to appease us. And it’s not our job to try to shame them into better health by harping on things (ie: bodies) that aren’t even tied to health in the first place. Behaviors are what can improve health. Bodies aren’t behaviors. Also? Some people can employ every health promoting behavior in existence and still be unhealthy. It is ableist and unkind to treat them with any less dignity and respect than someone in a healthy body.

Diet culture is dangerous. It causes body issues, eating disorders, self-loathing, obsession, and yes, poor health. It robs people of literal YEARS of joy in their lives…. and for what? Chasing a smaller body? Bodies are all meant to be different. Some are meant to be thin. Some are meant to be fat.

And yes, that’s okay.

Leave a Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Can We Please Stop Normalizing Giving Advice That’s Not Asked For?

If I were to make a list of my biggest pet peeves, which would be an admittedly – and embarrassingly – long list, unsolicited advice would easily make the top five. I’m not sure why exactly, but there are many possibilities. For one thing, it just feels so damn condescending (which also ranks high on my list). Why are you assuming that you know more than me, or that I need or want you to bless me with your knowledge? It also feels disrespectful, like you are inserting yourself into an area of my life where you weren’t invited. It is crossing a possibly invisible, but very real, boundary. I think the biggest reason though is that it makes me feel like you didn’t hear me. I think what I want, what most of us want, is to be listened to. How much listening can you be doing if you’re just planning out what kind of advice you’re going to give once I stop talking? If I need to vent, if I need a sounding board, I need just that: to get the words out. To have someone listen. To have someone hear me. To have someone sit with me in the muck and the mire, and let me know I’m not alone. What I do NOT need (unless I expressly asked for it) is for you to try to fix it. There are doctors and therapists and any number of other professionals to help me fix things. 99 times out of 100 what I want from you, as a friend, is to just be there.

I recently started being more vocal about this boundary to see if it would change anything. One of my favorite TikTokers likes to say, “I am not accepting comments on xyz.” And then she follows through. When I post something on Facebook that I think will garner unsolicited advice, I will preface by saying something along the lines of “I’m not looking for advice”, or “thank you for not giving advice.” And it helps … somewhat. I find that I get a lot more supportive comments, and a lot less advice. Though there are still plenty that ignore my ask and give advice anyway, I keep my feed (and my mental health) intact by simply deleting. There was a time I would have AGONIZED over this. Agonized over the comment, agonized over how to respond to it, agonized over deleting it. But now I just delete and moved on. For one thing, they came into my virtual living room and literally did something I asked them not do, and for another I have the right – the responsibility even – to protect my space and my sanity by getting rid of things that don’t serve me.

And listen. I get it. 90% of the people who are offering their advice are probably coming from a very good place. They genuinely want to help. But is it really helping anyone if the person doesn’t WANT your help? Hint: It’s not.

I very rarely ask for advice. Very rarely. And when I do, I will say the actual words: “Can I get your advice?” And if I do ask for your advice, it means I trust you completely, something that I don’t do easily. Ironically, the last time I asked someone for advice, my problem was so befuddling that she literally had no advice to give. But she knows I’m open to it, and I know she’ll come back to me if inspiration strikes.

I think it would go a long way in our interactions with others if we simply asked what others needed. “Do you want advice, or do you just want to vent?” I would appreciate the hell out of someone who asked me that. I would feel honored, and respected, and HEARD.

It seems like it’s very accepted in our society to give unsolicited advice. People want to help, and they want to fix. They so desperately want to fix. But what if it wasn’t the norm? What if we did something different? What if, when faced with a friend or coworker or loved one with a problem, we just…. listened? We let them know we were there? We let them know they were not alone? We let them know they could tell us if there was a way we could help?

And then we just stopped talking.

Leave a Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

If The Holidays Aren’t Happy

Christmas is in six days. The shopping is done. This week I’ll bake cookies and clean the house and get food and wrap presents.

And I’m not especially happy. I enjoy certain aspects of the holidays to be sure, and I’m privileged in a lot of ways. But seasonal depression gets me every year, and my baseline in December tends to be mild to moderate depression no matter what I do. I’m tired (I never sleep), and I’m stressed. I pretty much try to just keep breathing, put one foot in front of the other, and get from now till New Years in one piece.

And I know I’m not alone.

On social media we’re bombarded with the happy, happy, happy, and the glowing twinkly lights, and the magic and the music and the JOY. We’re supposed to be feeling JOY, dammit. Few people want to talk about the other side. The side where even if you’re thankful, even if you’re doing everything “right”, the holidays are just hard. Few people want to be honest about it, fearing that if they say it out loud, it would make them the Scrooge, the ungrateful one who fails to get in the holiday spirit. And I get it. I do. Every year I’m torn between strapping on my smile and faking it till I make it, or admitting that no matter how lovely it all is on the surface, it is still hard. Life is still hard.

But there’s power in admitting it. And there’s power in community. And in fact, there’s something lovely about that too. Knowing that no matter what the holiday looks like, even if it doesn’t look like a holiday at all, that this is your time, too. Knowing that someone understands. Knowing that you matter. Knowing that you’re remembered.

So if the holidays are hard for you, if you’re unhappy right now…. whether because of

lack of family

lack of support

lack of funds

illness

anxiety

depression

grief

stress…

No matter what the case may be. I see you. And I truly do wish you a gentle holiday.

2 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Teaching Your Kids To Say No

When I was around 16, I went on a date with an older classmate. I’ll call him Scott. Scott was a senior and I was a junior, and I’d known he’d had a crush on me for awhile. I wasn’t really interested…. not for any reason I could put my finger on; I guess he just wasn’t my type. He seemed nice enough though, and when he asked me to go to a movie, I reasoned that maybe I’d get to know him better and my feelings would change. In hindsight, I probably should have thanked him for the invite and declined, but I didn’t. So I went on a date with him and I wasn’t interested.

I don’t remember the movie we saw (which is weird, because I usually remember details like that), but I do remember that he put his arm around me at some point. A few minutes later, he asked if I was comfortable, and I answered truthfully that I was not. Physically, mentally… I just wasn’t comfortable. He kept his hands to himself after that.

All told, my discomfort lasted the entirety of the date. We chatted after the movie, and the whole ride home, but I just wasn’t feeling it. He mostly talked about himself during the drive, and I found myself bored and irritated. I felt bad about it. I had said yes to the date after all.

When we got back to my house he walked me to the door. We exchanged pleasantries, and he thanked me for going out with him. Then he leaned in to kiss me, and I….. stepped out of the way. He looked surprised, then asked me, “Can’t I kiss you goodnight?” Without thinking, and with great embarrassment, I answered, “I’d rather you didn’t.” I’m pretty sure we BOTH wanted the earth to swallow us up at that moment. But I didn’t want him to kiss me. I didn’t want him to kiss me a little bit. I didn’t want him to kiss me at all. So I said no.

To his credit, he mumbled something like, “okay,” and simply walked back to his car. (He then proceeded to go back to school and tell all his friends that he didn’t like me anymore because I was too “slow.” These things get back to you when you’re in highschool.)

I’ve been thinking about Scott ever since I read this article about a school that required all students at school dances to say yes when they were asked to dance. I found that policy to be unconscionable for many reasons, the least of which being that people (boys and girls both, regardless of age) have the right to say no. They have the right to say no to being touched, to being talked to, to doing anything that they feel uncomfortable with. What on earth kind of message are we sending our young people if we’re literally requiring them to say yes, perhaps against their will? What kind of precedent is that setting for the future when the stakes are higher? When the ask isn’t a 3.5 minute long dance, but an unwanted kiss, or touch, or sexual encounter?

One of the most powerful – and important – words in the English language is no. It’s important for our safety, our security, our autonomy, our happiness. It’s important for our confidence, for us to feel empowered by our choices, and to know that we are worth putting first. The word no reminds us that we are the ones in charge, no matter who is making the request, and that we have unconditional permission to set the boundaries we need to set to keep ourselves safe and comfortable. We have the right to say no. We have the right to say yes and then change our minds. We have the right to opt out of doing anything that we don’t fully and enthusiastically consent to.

I want my kids to know that “no” is a complete sentence, whether the request is a kiss, a dance at the prom, or any activity that they feel uncomfortable with. I want them to know that they are the only ones who get to decide who touches them or interacts with them, and how, and when, and for what reason. I want them to know that they shouldn’t feel bad or guilty for saying no, and that how the other person reacts isn’t their problem. I want them to know that anytime they are asked to do something that doesn’t sit right with them – whether it comes from a boss, a friend, or that cute boy in their chem class – that “no” is one of the strongest tools they have at their disposal.

My cheeks still flush when I think of that almost-kiss. It was just so embarrassing. But if I could go back to my 16 year old self and do it all over again, would I make the same decision? Yes.

I had the right to say no.

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Learning To Love My Body

This is me.

A couple weeks ago, I was in a fitting room trying on some jeans and t-shirts. Spinning around and looking in one of those from-every-angle mirrors, I saw something I’d never noticed before.

I have back fat.

I just stared at it for awhile, this prominent little roll beneath my bra. “Huh. That’s new.” And the prevailing feeling was not one of dismay or disgust, but one of gratitude. I was grateful that I discovered this now, rather than a few years ago. A few years ago it would have unraveled me, and rendered me something just short of a weeping mess on the floor of the fitting room.

I’ve gained some 40 pounds in the past 4 years. Partly from age and a changing metabolism, partly from medication, and partly because I made a conscious decision to stop starving myself into a size six. I had trouble with the weight gain at first. I had trouble accepting it, trouble viewing myself as attractive, trouble thinking I was still worthy, and trouble thinking I was somehow “less than” than when I was residing in a smaller body.

I did the diets, did the exercise, and essentially tried to hate myself into a smaller jean size. I would lose weight temporarily, but eventually gain it back, plus a little more for good measure. (This seems a good a time as any to mention that that’s just the way diets work. The vast, vast majority – some sources say as much as 95% – of people who lose weight through dieting will gain it back, often gaining more than they lost in the first place. Diets don’t work long term.) My body just wanted to be bigger. Which meant that I could 1) Continue to fight with it, make myself miserable, and live in a constant cycle of shame, or 2) Learn to embrace it, to love myself and body exactly as they are, and to focus on gentle nutrition and regular movement as measures of self-care instead of punishment.

I chose option 2.

It’s been a journey to get here to be sure, and I’d be lying if I said I was 100% comfortable taking the photo that accompanies this post, but I am light years ahead of where I was. It would not be an exaggeration to say that my shift in mindset has been life changing.

Because I do love my body. Back fat and belly rolls and muffin tops and all. My body does everything I need it to do. It takes me on walks. It treks through the desert. It runs up and down the stairs fifty times a day. It does yoga and lifts weights and moves any way I ask it to move.

I eat food for nourishment, not to shrink my body. I eat in ways that make me feel pleasant, physically and emotionally both. I don’t count calories. I don’t stress out about macros. I eat foods that feel good in the moment. I eat plenty of protein, carbs and fats. I eat salads and chicken and veggies and warm chocolate chip cookies and birthday cake. I eat when I’m hungry, and I stop when I’m full. I refuse to go back down the road of obsessive control over what I eat or how I move, what the scale says or how my pants fit. I refuse to let the words of the multi-billion dollar diet industry become part of my vernacular, or part of my soul. I’m opting out.

My relationship with food and with my body, once disordered and antagonistic, has healed. My body is perfect the way it is. It is healthy and strong. It is capable of so many things. It is beautiful. Beauty (and health for that matter) comes in all shapes and sizes, and don’t let any “before and after” photos tell you otherwise.

And while I’m on the subject of before and after pictures, we have to stop commenting on people’s bodies, even if we think we’re being complimentary. We have no idea how or why someone lost weight or gained weight, and we have no idea what we may be praising. Thin is not the gold standard. Thin is not “better.”

If you want to aim for something, aim for health. (Hint: health doesn’t have one singular “look.”) Thin bodies can be healthy. Larger bodies can be healthy.

Beyond all that though? Our bodies and our weight are literally the least interesting things about us. Yes, our bodies are worthy. They are worthy of existing and taking up space, exactly as they are: thin, fat, short, tall, curvy, flat… but at the end of the day, they are just pretty exteriors for our hearts and our souls.

3 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Stop Playing The Misery Olympics. You’re Allowed To Feel How You Feel.

We see it happen again and again. The topic is always different, but it goes something like this:

A brand new mom has had a rough few weeks. The baby is up all night, and mom’s exhausted. She’s struggling to find her rhythm breastfeeding. Her nipples are sore. Her body feels like a stranger’s. It’s been days since she’s had a proper shower, and postpartum depression is circling in the background. She’s overwhelmed.

She logs her sleep-deprived self into Facebook, and pens her lament, just hoping for a little bit of support. And she does get support. But before too long, she inevitably also gets:

“Try doing it with twins.”

“Just wait until you have a toddler AND a newborn.”

“At least you’re not working.”

“Just be thankful your son is healthy.”

Suddenly this poor mom isn’t being supported anymore, but shamed instead. Others have it worse. SHE could have it worse. She should be grateful. She shouldn’t complain. She shouldn’t have feelings. Certainly not negative ones. And if God forbid she does have them, she shouldn’t be voicing them. That’s a privilege for those who have it really bad, those who’ve earned the right to complain.

We play this cruel game of one-uppance instead of holding one another up. We extend sarcasm instead of empathy. We invalidate instead of listen.

And we’re our own worst enemies too, because if someone doesn’t do it to us first, we do it to ourselves. In this age of perma-toxic-positivity we think it’s “bad” to entertain a negative emotion. “I shouldn’t be complaining. I should be grateful. It could be so much worse. I really am lucky.” And around and around, stuffing and twisting and denying until we feel like we’re going to crack.

But people are allowed to feel things. All people. All things.

Yes, gratitude is wonderful. And yes, there will always be someone who has it worse. But neither of those things make what you’re going through any less real. Your feelings are valid. Your feelings are always valid. You’re allowed to be: tired. sad. overwhelmed. angry. hurt. grieving. And anything and everything in between.

You’re also allowed to share said feelings, and if someone minimizes you and makes it about them, that’s a them problem not a you problem. It doesn’t feel good to be invalidated when you’re vulnerable (it literally just happened to me before I started writing this), but your truth is still your truth.

And sure, it’s not a good idea to snuggle up and live in the negative feelings. The beauty of being a human is that we have access to a full range of emotions; emotions that are constantly ebbing and flowing. Negative emotions are almost always eventually replaced with positive ones. But dang, some seasons are just plain HARD. Some days … some weeks … some months … some years… Sometimes life is hard.

You’re allowed to feel your feelings. Your friends are allowed to feel their feelings. It’s not a competition about who has it worse. When someone trusts us enough to invite us in to their heartaches, it’s our job to support, to lean in, to encourage, to just sit with them in the middle of the muck and the mire….

NOT disrespect them by telling them why they shouldn’t be feeling that way in the first place.

Leave a Comment

Filed under hot topics, Uncategorized

When I Won’t Mind My Own Business

Yesterday, I posted this meme on my Facebook page. I think it’s important to make the dangers of spanking an ongoing discussion, so I never hesitate to share resources when I come across them.

The very first comment said this: (*edited for grammar and punctuation.)

Stop trying to tell parents what to do with their children. If they’re not being abused you need to mind your own business.

Now, it stands to be said that this meme was not aimed at that woman, or at any one person in particular. It was about the concept of spanking. If you read a meme like that, and feel defensive or angry, I’d gently suggest that you examine why. If you’re confident that your own choices are correct, why would it bother you? You don’t know me, you don’t know the meme author… what does it matter what we think?

Beyond that though, there are some fundamental flaws in this argument. First, no one is telling anyone what do to do. The meme is sharing information. What you choose to do, or not do, with that information is up to you.

Second, and far more important, is this idea of “minding your own business.” There are many, many facets of parenting in which we should mind our own business, to be sure. It’s none of my business whether you work or stay home, or how you choose to educate, or what kind of religion you practice, or how your kids dress, or what they eat, or where they sleep or whether or not you breastfeed. If they are safe and cared for, you are absolutely correct. It’s none of my business.

Here’s the thing though. Spanking is not a parenting issue. It’s a human rights issue, and we should ALL make it our business to care about human rights issues. Children have the right to be safe from harm in their own home. They have the right to bodily autonomy. They have the right to expect kind and gentle and loving discipline that does not include laying of hands on their body. Hitting should never, ever be conflated with love. There’s a reason why it’s called assault to hit another adult. Physically assaulting another person is wrong (especially when that person is young, small, and/or defenseless), and we know this.

We know this.

And I can’t help but think that people wouldn’t get so defensive about it if deep down they didn’t know it was true.

Mistreatment of marginizalized members of society (and children are about as marginalized as they come) is something that we should all care about. It’s something that we should ALL make our business. Children can’t speak for themselves, so someone has to do it for them. Spanking is harmful, and people need to know about it. And to be perfectly blunt about it, I don’t care if you don’t think it’s my business.

When we learn of fellow human beings being harmed? It’s always our business.

Leave a Comment

Filed under attachment parenting, gentle parenting, mindful parenting, parenting, Uncategorized

Ten Things That Are Getting Me Through December

December is hard. The holidays are stressful, seasonal depression is a regular companion, and life is too busy. This year, December is especially hard. About a month ago, Tegan’s hedgehog Crouton died suddenly. He woke up unable to walk, and just quietly slipped from this life while she was holding him on her lap. 11 days later, we learned that our sweet 14 year old dog Sophie had advanced liver failure, and the next day we said goodbye, surrounding her with love and pets while the vet gently and respectfully set her free. We miss them both terribly, and are struggling under the black cloud that has descended on the season.

Still, life goes on around us even as we grieve. Christmas will be here in 20 days whether we’re ready or not, and I’m settling in to make the next 20 days as stress free as possible. We’re hosting Christmas at our house this year (for the first time since pre-COVID), so our to-do list is longer than it’s been in awhile. Here’s what’s getting me through:

  1. Nothing has to be perfect. I have always been a person who struggles with perfectionism and black and white/all or nothing thinking. But 1) perfect doesn’t exist, and 2) THAT’S OKAY. My house keeping skills as of late can very much be described as, “There appears to have been a struggle.” I plan to do a good deep clean, as well as a general tidying up, before Christmas, but it occurred to me today that even if I don’t get to it, even if end up with a houseful of guests in a cluttered home with a cloudy bathroom mirror, it’ll be okay. They’re coming to see us, not our house. And the same goes for presents and cookies and all the other details my brain wants to get hung up on. What gets done, gets done. I can let go of the rest.
  2. Reframe busy days as productive. I learned this from one of the kid’s therapists. Busy days stress me the hell out, but thinking of them as productive puts a positive spin on even the busiest day. For some reason, we always end up with a lot of appointments and driving around in December … Dentists, orthodontists, shopping, errands, etc. From now on, every appointment, every task crossed off the list, will be considered something productive accomplished, instead of another headache endured. Small things count, too. So far today I refilled my meds organizers for the next two weeks, spent a long time doing some online shopping for the kids, and worked on this blog post. Productive.
  3. Self-care is a priority. When I’m stressed out (or overwhelmed or depressed or or), my self-care tends to get unceremoniously kicked to a back burner. But times of stress are when self-care matters the most. Eating well, moving, slowing down, and sleeping all work together to make for a healthier me. Sleep especially is HUGE when it comes to my mental health, so I’m making sure I’m getting enough hours, going to bed early, and taking sleep-aids when I need them. As simplistic as it sounds, I’m also making it a point to get dressed, brush my teeth and hair, and just generally practice good hygiene …. UNLESS what I’m really needing is a pajama day. In which case, I honor that too.
  4. Live in the moment. Another thing I’ve long struggled with is getting hung up on what’s to come, rather than enjoying the present moment. While I’m undoubtedly a work-in-progress in this area, I’m far better than I used to be. Life is a whole lot less stressful if you’re not worrying about the future. To that end, I’m trying to gently nudge myself back to the here and now when I find myself slipping. And right now? Right now, I’m writing – one of my favorite things – the house is quiet, everyone’s happily involved in their own things, and I’m sucking on a raspberry Tootsie Pop. Right now, life is good.
  5. Be grateful. Listen. I’m the first person to turn my nose up at toxic positivity, good-vibes-only lines of thinking. All feelings are valid (see point 6) but there is indeed something to be said for taking stock of all you have to be grateful for even (or especially?) during trying times. From the material: a roof over our heads, food in our bellies, cars to get us where we need to go, to the intangible: our health, our friends, our family. And don’t forget the little things! A good cup of coffee, my dog’s favorite bone, and my husband’s oversized hoodie all made my list today.
  6. Feel my feelings. Having bipolar, I have more practice than the average person in learning to recognize, accept, and deal with a variety of feelings, but it is unquestionably something we all can get better at. All feelings are valid. Let me say it again: ALL FEELINGS ARE VALID. This month especially, when life is all whirly swirly and crazy around me, I’m going to let myself feel what I feel, whether it’s happy, content, excited, sad, anxious, overwhelmed, stressed… I’ll feel the feeling, accept the feeling, and let myself ride the wave till it’s gone. One thing I’ve learned (that has proven to be true again and again) is that a negative feeling will always, eventually, be replaced with a positive one.
  7. Focus on the bright spots. A couple of weeks ago, Tegan adopted an adorable pair of dumbo rat babies. If you’re not familiar with rats as pets, they are sweet, smart, and social. They’re basically like teeny tiny dogs, and getting them out to bond and play has been the highlight of my day most days of the week. It has helped immensely to have something sweet to look forward to every day, and has made me even more committed to enjoying the offering of a few minutes of happiness, in whatever form they come in.
  8. Focus on someone other than myself. This is delicate for me, because I strongly believe that we really shouldn’t shout it from the rooftop when we do nice things for others. It feels… self-serving?… when people post about good deeds or charitable giving, because it puts the focus on YOU, rather than letting the action stand on its own. I think it should be done quietly. What I will say though is that the holidays changed for us, in an amazing way, when we decided to make a conscious effort to focus a good portion of our giving to those outside of our own immediate circle. The beautiful thing about it is that it doesn’t matter how much or how little you personally have; there is always some way to give back and show kindness to others…. not just at Christmas, but at any time of year.
  9. Take a cue from the kids. While all four of my kids have traits that are worth emulating, it’s my youngest that I’m looking to this holiday season. At thirteen, she is the perfect mixture of teenaged grace and childlike wonderment. She is so excited for Christmas, and for her new rats, and for seeing her friends, and for spending time with her family…. all while mourning her very loved hedgehog, and the dog that grew up beside her. She reminds me to be gracious, to be kind, and to live and love hard. She is amazing, and everything I aspire to be.
  10. Remember that it’s just a season. Seasons change. It’s just a fact of life. Some seasons are longer, or more difficult, but they still eventually give way to something better. No matter what I do, 2021 will be over in less than four weeks, and we’ll be into the new year. I’ve always loved New Years because it feels like fresh starts and new beginnings and shiny Trapper Keepers on the first day of school. I go back to school for my second bachelors on January 10th, so I’m looking forward to that, too. But in the spirit of living in the moment, I’m going to breathe and take in and live in this moment. This season. This day. 20 days before Christmas.

My lollipop is long gone, I’m sipping on a hot chocolate, and my family is piled on the couch beside me watching TV.

And it’s all good.

3 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

The Problem with Medical Shaming

This picture just came through my Facebook newsfeed. I’ve seen it before, but this time it hit different. It might just have something to do with the fact that the person who shared it had also recently tried to shame me for getting the COVID vaccine. Regardless, it prickled.

Memes, or shirts, as the case may be, that try to influence others by shaming them never do anything more than steep in their own celebratory self congratulation. The wearer gets to feel superior in their “healthy diet and exercise with regular chiropractic care and superior nutritional supplements” while looking down on, and making assumptions about, those who take medications.

Medications, by the way, are taken by all kinds of people, for all kinds of reasons, even among those who eat that elusive “healthy” diet. It is unfair and ableist to assume that if someone needs a medication they must be doing something wrong. Medications exist to help people. Medications save lives.

Are they overprescribed? Sure. Are they sometimes unnecessary? Of course. Can they occasionally be discontinued if lifestyle changes are made? Yes. But none of that changes the fact that 1) They are sometimes crucial to a person’s health and well-being, and 2) We have NO IDEA why someone takes a medication or what their personal health records look like. None. That is between them and their doctor, and it is both ignorant and arrogant to think otherwise.

I have never made any secret of the fact that I take mental health medications. At the time of this writing I take two regulaly, and one as a PRN. I need them. And I say that with no shame and no disclaimers. It’s not an exaggeration to say that I would not be alive without them. If someone wants to shame me for that, that’s their prerogative, and it’s on them, not me.

The problem with photos like this one is that they’re trying to take down an entire collective of people, people that we know nothing about. It’s unfair, and it’s unkind.

If you eat a healthy diet (and it stands to be said, the word “healthy” is one of the most subjective words on the planet), and exercise, and see a chiropractor, and take superior supplements, great! Truly. Good for you. And if you don’t need any medications, even better. But looking down on those who live a different lifestyle isn’t going to do what you think it will. It won’t motivate, and it won’t inspire. Making assumptions never helped anyone, either.

People are fighting all kinds of battles we know nothing about. People are all on individual journeys. There are a million reasons why someone might be on a medication, and a million reasons why someone may or may not be eating or exercising or supplementing the way you deem “right.”

Life is hard. Go easy.

3 Comments

Filed under hot topics, Uncategorized