Category Archives: unschooling

January 3, 2012 · 2:08 PM

The boy named Johnny

 

Johnny* is an 8-year-old boy in Everett’s Cub Scout den.  (*I changed his name)  I’ll be totally honest when I say that my first few impressions of Johnny were not positive ones.   Johnny is the kid that is continually interrupting the leader, talking over the other kids, disrupting the meetings, and running around when he’s supposed to be sitting.   Johnny is the kid who’s reprimanded not once, not twice, but multiple times during Scout activities… during EVERY Scout activity.   He’s the one who, when your own Scout is trying to ask or answer a question, is both literally and figuratively in his face, frustrating you, your son, and the leader all in equal measure.    Johnny is the one who just. can’t. sit. still. even for  minute.   He’s the one who’s always ready with a lengthy comment, answer, joke, or story, and seems to have little regard for the time or the place.  He’s the proverbial square peg that doesn’t quite fit into the round hole.

I’m pretty sure we all know a Johnny.  Or have a Johnny.  Or ARE a Johnny.  And my concern for the Johnnies of the world is that they will be dismissed simply because they are misunderstood.  That their spirits will be squashed simply because they are different.  That they will be left behind simply because they do not follow the societal norms.  That they will be mistreated simply because someone doesn’t know what on earth to do with them.  That they will be judged – as I, sadly, prematurely judged this boy – simply because their behavior feels so overwhelming.

Well, let me tell you what I have since learned about Johnny:

He is smart.   Not just smart, but incredibly and brilliantly intelligent.   This is a kid that does not miss a single beat.  When I finally started listening to his words instead of just being frustrated by his interruptions, I realized that this was a kid who 1) had a wealth of information, and 2) really wanted to share it.

He is determined.  What an indomitable spirit this kid has!!  Whenever he is reprimanded – which is often – he just keeps right on going being himself, pursuing his cause, and following his own path.  Under the right circumstances, that is a HUGELY positive attribute, and one that we could all learn from.

He is passionate.  It took me a while to notice this as well, but he is almost always smiling.  He’s happy.  He’s excited. He’s energetic.  He’s so fully present in the moment that his enthusiasm just bubbles out of him, and he doesn’t seem to know what to do with it all.

He is kind.  He’s not interrupting or running around or goofing off to be rude or disrespectful.   He is actually a very sweet kid, as evidenced by the quieter one-on-one moments I’ve witnessed with the other kids, including my own son.   In fact just this morning when Everett got out of the car for a field trip, he’s the first one who greeted him.  He was ready with that quick smile of his, as well as an offered-up piece of trivia about a Navy ship.

I’m still frustrated when I watch Johnny at Cub Scouts, but it’s for an entirely different reason now.   Yes, he’s disruptive.  Yes, he makes things difficult for the leader, the other kids, and the other parents.  And yes, there’s a certain amount of appropriate behavior that is not being met.  Absolutely.  But I can’t help but feel an almost overwhelming compassion for this kid.  I can’t help but wonder what needs to be done for him to be able to shine… to able to channel all that energy, all that creativity, all that knowledge in a positive way.  I can’t help but feel sadness as I realize, again and again, that the only attention that this kid is getting (at least when I’m around him) is negative.  That the only words directed his way are “Johnny, sit down.  Johnny, pay attention.  Johnny, not now.  Johnny, it’s time to listen.  JOHNNY!!  SHHHHH!”

I see kids like this, and I think of the Einsteins and the Edisons and the Speilbergs of the world… the ones who didn’t “behave”.  The ones who were the rebels, and the misfits, and the free-thinkers who, despite all the reprimands, ended up making huge, life-changing contributions to society.  I see kids like this and I hope and I pray that they too can find their place, find that path where they can soar, where they can not be just accepted but embraced.  I hope and pray that they can live the lives they were created to live, without that spirit – that strong, strong spirit – crushed out of them.

I don’t know what the answer is for Johnny.  I don’t.  Of course that ever-present gut-reaction is there, the one that silently screams out, “He needs to be unschooled!”  But I know that I can’t make that decision for someone else.  I know that unschooling, or even homeschooling, is not the answer for every parent, or for every family.   I know that.  But I also know that something needs to be done,  not just for Johnny, but for all children.

Our current system is broken.  And while I can’t really fix it,  I can start by measuring how I treat my own children.  I can start by measuring how I treat Johnny.  I can start by being kind to him.  By smiling at him.  By encouraging him.  By telling him through my words and my actions that he is an awesome and worthwhile person… not in spite of his energy and his stories and his enthusiasm, but because of them.

26 Comments

Filed under parenting, Uncategorized, unschooling

December 13, 2011 · 9:07 AM

A Recipe for Disaster?

Today’s guest post was written by my good friend, Amy. I think it’s important to note that I did not twist her arm to write it (in fact she took it upon herself without my knowledge. She’s sneaky like that) But she did have to twist my arm to get me to post it. Not because it wasn’t lovely and well-written, but because it’s a very odd and somewhat uncomfortable feeling to post something like that about yourself and kids, written by someone else. I resisted, and she said “Jen, you have to post it.” So I am.

Here it is; her response to those who are sure I’m raising future criminals.

No spanking, no time-outs, no parent induced bedtimes, no formal schooling…….recipe for disaster, right?

Attachment parenting, gentle parenting, radical unschooling are all catch phrases currently moving into mainstream society. My friend and owner of this blog, Jennifer McGrail, is an advocate for all of it. This is how her children are raised and let me tell you about these soon to be criminals, drunks, and wife beaters………….. She is praised by many and criticized by few. This is written for the few, from the perspective of a family friend who can’t say she, herself, has always practiced the above parenting philosophies but has observed the behavior of the four McGrail children extensively.

Let’s start with criminal #3, age seven. My son belongs to the same Boy Scout group with #3. At one of the meetings a uniform inspection is on the schedule. There are about 10 boys and the leader warns parents in an e-mail beforehand that he will try to be quick because he knows how hard it can be for the boys to stand still and wait while others are being inspected. The inspections are done in an orderly fashion. Like the leader indicated it was hard for most of the boys to wait patiently, quietly and calm. Nothing abnormal about that, right? They are all young, active boys. Here is the abnormal part: The winner is #3 and here is why he is the winner. Judging the uniforms alone created many ties, so they decided to look at behavior in line to come up with a winner. Guess who won the uniform inspection? #3, because he stood still with arms to his side, without talking and messing around all with his best friend standing right beside him. He didn’t do this because his parents threatened him or prepared him for this. HE JUST DID IT! Because he has self inflicted ideas about how he wants to present himself. Because he is allowed to grow without criticism, coercion, and with trust that he will make good decisions with unconditional love waiting when he doesn’t. That was just one situation, right, so now I’ll tell you the other stories. The ones where because he has never had a time-out, or been told what he must eat and at what time or when to go to bed, or spanked, must mean he is a crazy kid running around with no idea how to behave and headed to jail at an early age. Sorry, but I don’t have any of those. #3 is just a typical 7 year old boy that tends to know how to control his own behavior.

 

 

Moving on to #2, age 11. He, all on his own, manages a server for an online game that other children play. Just like life this game has gotten messy because children, like adults, don’t understand each other, get over emotional and react without thinking. One such situation happened and it destroyed most of the server. All the hard work that had been done was gone. #2 was MAD, steaming mad!!! He retaliated by writing about it on a forum that would be seen by many. He was asked by his mother, “Do you feel better?” “YES!” he said. She left him with his yes, and didn’t say another word. I’m not sure I could have done this. I probably would have had to explain how this wouldn’t help the matter and being the bigger person can make you feel better and on and on, but she didn’t do that. Guess what, not very long after posting what would have probably made matters worse – and yes he had a right to be mad because someone destroyed his server – he deleted the comments and decided he was going to rebuild the destroyed server. On top of that, he even built a special house on the server for the very person who had done the destroying. This 11 year old did what most adults can’t do. HE JUST DID IT!

 

 

#1 is age 14. Oh no, a teenager! I certainly can’t have anything to say about this guy. If he has been raised without rules and grounding he is surely out there with one foot in jail already. Actually, this 14 year old enjoys talking to and discussing life with this 41 year old. He is comfortable talking to me and his mom. He doesn’t mind hanging with us and gets our opinion about friends, life and girls. I don’t have teens yet, but I remember the teen years being hard. #1 teaches that it doesn’t have to be SO DARN HARD. Every single time I am around him, and that tends to be several times a week, he says, “I love being me!” Seriously, how many people, let alone a teen, loves being them? As adults we read books, go to counseling, and attend workshops to learn how to love ourselves. This 14 year old just does. What a head start he has on life. His joy for life radiates to others as well. My daughter has quoted him several times with lessons she has learned from this 14 year old boy. She is loving herself because of him. I’m pretty sure he is never going to beat his wife. A person who loves himself doesn’t beat others.

 

 

Now to #4, age 3. She is a typical 3 year old. She gets tired, throws tantrums, annoys her brothers, shares, doesn’t share, hugs, kisses, calls names…… but no worries. She has five role models that love her unconditionally. I look in those big, brown eyes and I see pure love, not a criminal.

 

 

These 4 children are all typical children in many ways. And yes, there are many typical children out there doing extraordinary things just like these children. But raising children without rules, time-outs, spankings, grounding, etc. does not produce criminals, alcoholics, wife beaters…………

I realize this isn’t really written to convince those criticizers that this type of parenting is the right way. Their minds are made up. This is written to those parents that were like me 11 years ago. I was looking for a different way to parent from the mainstream spanking, time-out, and grounding type of parenting. In many ways I did parent in a different way and took criticism, but if I had read an article like this one or known Jennifer McGrail eleven years ago, I would have had the support to know my instincts were right for me and my children. We are a better family for knowing the McGrail family.

Amy Travis is a former teacher, and an unschooling mom.  When she isn’t writing blog posts for other people, she enjoys throwing parties, making cake balls, and forcing encouraging this introvert to get out and be social every once in awhile.

5 Comments

Filed under attachment parenting, gentle parenting, guest posts, mindful parenting, misconceptions, parenting, unschooling

October 12, 2011 · 1:47 PM

Mom, he’s helping me again…

 

Everett was bored this morning and I asked him if he wanted to play a game.  He liked that idea and returned a few minutes later with Herd Your Horses.  It’s a fun game, and one we haven’t played in a long time, so I was more than willing to play with him.  Tegan wanted to play too, and she came to join us as we were getting everything set up.   The problem with playing a board game with a three year old is that while she’s definitely old enough to really want to play, she’s often not quite old enough to really get it.   And that’s fine…. we don’t ask her to adhere to the same rules, and we don’t expect that she’s going to do everything “correctly”.  We wing it, and we have fun, and we keep it light.

Except….

The seven year old takes games very seriously, and he doesn’t like bending the rules.  He also (understandably) doesn’t like it when his sister tries to take his cards or move his piece or tell him what to do – none of which are ever out of the realm of possibility.   Sometimes we figure it all out and we meet a happy compromise.

Sometimes, like today, it goes more like this:

E:  Tegan, that’s a six, not a five.

T:  Stop helping me!  Mommy, he HELPED me!!

E:  I’m sorry, I’ll stop helping you.  Give me back my card!

T:  Who’s winning??

E:  That’s my piece, not yours.

T:  YOU SAID YOU’D STOP HELPING ME!!!

E:  Why are you yelling?

T:  Because this game is STUPID if Everett keeps helping me, and He. Keeps.  Helping. Me.

E:  I won’t help you anymore.

T:  Am I winning??

E:  Oooo, eeee, ooo, ah ah.  Ching Chang….

T:  Stop singing!

E:  Why?

T:  It’s annoying me.  You sound like a monkey.  I’M WINNING!!!

T:  Heh heh heh, I’m going to steal Everett’s horse.

E:  Tegan.  You can’t steal a horse unless you land on me.

T:  Are you still helping me???

E:  Yes!  A six!  I win!

T:  I win too!!!  That was SO FUN.  Let’s play another game!!

So we did.  But I poured another cup of coffee first.

2 Comments

Filed under Everett, life, Tegan, unschooling

October 3, 2011 · 4:05 PM

So you’re thinking of homeschooling?

Keeping herself busy while we waited for a table at Red Robin.

Is your child in school, but you’re considering homeschooling?  Here are six steps, or things to keep in mind,  to get you started:

 

1. Recognize that you have options.

You don’t have to send your child to school. While any homeschoolers reading this are likely thinking, “Well.. duh,” I think this simple truth is often overlooked by many people. Kids are sent to school because that’s where kids have always gone, and for better or worse, it doesn’t occur to many parents to question it. But you have options. That’s the first thing you need to realize. It is a choice to send a child to school, just as it is a choice to keep that child home. While the laws vary from country to country, homeschooling is legal in all 50 United States. I think too often when a child is severely struggling in school, or miserable, or being bullied, that one of the most obvious solutions – homeschooling – is overlooked in favor of trying to make it work in an environment that is currently doing more harm than good. I truly don’t understand the rationale behind giving it “one more semester” when there is a positive solution that you can employ NOW. If your child is in an unhealthy environment in school, and you are considering homeschooling, don’t wait! Don’t feel like you have to “get all your ducks in a row” first. You have a legal right to go that school today, right now, and take your child home where he/she is safe. You can work out the details later.

Don’t think you have the option to homeschool? Maybe you are a single parent, or in a dual-income family. I know of many families in unique situations that have made homeschooling work, including single parents, two working parents, and low-income families. Tell yourself that you do have options, and keep reading.

 

2. Give yourself, and your child, TIME

Even, or maybe especially, if there was urgency surrounding your decision to pull your child from school, when you make the decision to home school, you give yourself and your children the incredible gift of TIME. There are no “have to’s” in home schooling. When you remove your child from school, you can give yourselves permission to take the pressure off. Give yourselves time to decompress and to deschool. “Deschool” essentially means to rid yourselves of the ideas, thought processes and/or negative associations surrounding the traditional mindset of school=learning. Give your child time to recover from any damage. Give yourself time to replace old ideas with new ones. Give yourselves time to stop thinking in terms of grades, semesters, and classes. Give yourselves time to stop thinking of learning as something that is done in a certain place at a certain time. Give yourselves time to realize that learning is not something that is done TO someone, but something that happens naturally and organically and that comes from within the learner. Give yourselves time to understand and appreciate what it means to learn in freedom.

 

3. Do your research

The good news is that there is a literally unending pool of resources for those wanting to learn about homeschooling.  The bad news is that there is a literally unending pool of resources for those wanting to learn about homeschooling.  It could be overwhelming for someone new.  Where do you start?  Well, it depends.  And if you ask 20 people, you’re likely to get 20 different answers.  These are my recommendations, for just a few places to start, depending on what you’re looking for:

If you’re interested in theories of learning, ideas about education, and the WHY you’d want to homeschool, go to your local library and check out anything by John Holt or John Taylor Gatto.  They will both open your eyes, and once you read them, you will never think about school and learning in quite the same way again.

If you’re more interested in the “nuts and bolts”, ins and outs of homeschooling, The Homeschooling Handbook and The Unschooling Handbook, both by Mary Griffith, are very informative and easy reads.

Another great little book that combines both of the above, plus gives a compelling first-person account is Family Matters:  Why Homeschooling Makes Sense by David Guterson.  It is one of the first books I ever read about homeschooling, and I still recommend it a decade later.

If you’re not a book person, Homeschool Central has a ton of links and information and homeschooling in general.  If, like us, you prefer to take a more organic approach and bypass all of the curriculum talk, then you’ll want to jump straight into learning about unschooling.  Two good places to start are Sandra Dodd and Joyfully Rejoycing.  Both are filled with great information, answers to common concerns, and links galore.

Finally, use this link to find the specifics about the homeschooling laws in your state.

 

4. Get connected

Don’t skip this step!  Even if you’re not “group” people (which I’d completely understand…  we’re not, either), everybody needs a tribe of people who “get it.”  People who are walking the same walk, and people who are facing the same challenges and the same triumphs.   Check this link for a list of local homeschool groups in your area, but don’t discount online support as well.  There are yahoo groups, Facebook groups, Christian groups, secular groups.  Basically, there’s a group for everyone.   This is especially important if you’re a single parent or have another unique situation that makes finding like-minded parents more difficult.  There are others like you out there… you just have to find them.  Don’t be afraid to pick the brain of an established homeschooler either.  Most of them – myself included – will be more than happy to talk your ever-loving ear off answer questions and share information, resources, and experience with anyone who’s genuinely interested.

 

5. Watch, wait, and listen

Simple, but not always easy:

Watch your children.  See how they’re learning, what they like, what they don’t like, what they’re interested in, what they’re passionate about.
Wait for deschooling to take place.  Wait to see if you’re going down the right path.  Wait for the answers to your questions.
Listen to what your kids are telling you, both verbally and non-verbally.  They are far and away the most qualified people to tell you what they need.


6. Be flexible

Some of the true beauty of homeschooling is that it can be – and should be! – 100% unique to each family.  You do yourself and your kids a great disservice if you try to model your homeschooling experience after a school.    You opted out of school for a reason;  don’t bring it home with you!  In order to successfully homeschool, you have to learn to be flexible.  Flexible in both thought and action, and flexible enough to admit that you’ve made a mistake.   I can never understand why, when we have the freedom to learn however we’d like, I often hear homeschooling parents complaining about, say, a math curriculum.  “I don’t know what to do!   Little Johnny just hates his math curriculum!  He cries over it every day.”  Watch, wait, and listen.  Be flexible.   Remember you have options.  DUMP THE MATH CURRICULUM.   Never choose “doing school” when you’re faced with an opportunity to go to the store, or the park, or the zoo (where a million times more natural learning will occur anyway) Never pass up the chance for your kids to help you with dinner, or laundry, or the project in the yard, even though you know it will take you twice as long.  Be flexible.

One area that I personally struggle with is not getting stressed out about the change in seasons… the natural ebb and flow of life.  This past month we were quite suddenly thrust from a carefree, not-a-thing-on-the-calendar kind of schedule to a jam-packed itinerary of gymnastics, basketball, cub scouts, and church activities.    The kids are happy though, and they are living and learning and enjoying life… so I know I need to be flexible, go with the current flow, and appreciate the busy and the calm.

and a bonus number 7:

 

7.  Enjoy it!

Homeschooling is the single most important decision we made for our family, and we thoroughly enjoy this time we’re getting to spend with our kids.  I honestly don’t know another homeschooling family who doesn’t feel the same way.  So if you do make that decision, do it confidently, and gladly, and enjoy it every step of the way.

 

 

10 Comments

Filed under homeschooling, unschooling

September 28, 2011 · 6:00 AM

Are you happy with your choices?

A couple nights ago, we had a salesman at the house, giving us a presentation about a way to get greener energy for our home.   He was a nice guy, and he easily chit-chatted it up with us as well as with the kids as they wandered in and out of the room.  It wasn’t long before the fact that we homeschool was brought to light, and the usual, honestly curious questions followed:

Oh!  You homeschool, how does that work for you?

What made you decide to do it?

What kind of curriculum do you follow?

Do you do foreign languages?

How will they get into college?

And of course ….. wait for it …..  What about socialization?

One of the hardest questions for me is always WHY we chose homeschooling.   Not because I don’t have an answer, but because I have oh. so. many. answers.

People always want to know what it was that originally got us started on the homeschooling/unschooling journey, and I never know just what to say.  I tell them about reading John Holt for the first time, and how much it all resonated with me.  But why did I pick up the book in the first place?  I honestly don’t know.  What would perhaps be a better question is why do we continue to homeschool after all these years?   And that is something that I can answer, and answer easily.

Sure, I could wax on and on about theories of learning.  I could talk at length about parenting philosophies, and ways of honoring someone as an individual, and a right to freedom.  I could quote Holt and John Taylor Gatto.  I could cite studies, or point to a flawed school system, or give you an example (or ten or fifty seven) of how learning happens for each of my four kids.  I could, quite literally, write you a book.  But the concise and simple reason we continue to homeschool is this:

It continues to be the right choice for us.  It continues to be a choice that bring us happiness, and contentment, and peace.  It continues to be a choice that just feels right.

I am a big believer in trusting that God (or the universe, or whatever it is you believe in) will let us know whether a choice we’ve made is the right one or the wrong one.  Sometimes it’s in a subtle, quiet way;  one we have to be still and really listen for.  Other times its more of a “hit you over the head with an anvil like you’re a Looney Tunes character.”  Unschooling for us has always been the latter.  We are reminded DAILY that it’s the right choice, and rarely in a subtle fashion.

This year marks year 8 of Spencer’s being “school aged.”  While we knew we’d unschool right from the start (really, even before we knew it had a name), we didn’t have anything to officially opt out of until 8 years ago.  8 years, and we are still completely and blissfully and ridiculously happy with our decision…. so it’s a choice we continue to make.

I find it odd and somewhat confusing when people claim to be happy with their choices but act threatened or offended by those who’ve chosen differently… whether it’s educational choices, or parenting choices, or work choices.  I can never help but wonder if 1) those people are not as happy as they think they are, or 2) if they know deep down that they are unhappy but that they allow themselves to get angry and defensive because it’s easier than the alternative of facing the truth, or 3) if they really ARE as happy as they say they are, but for some reason view differing choices as a threat anyway (which really doesn’t make any logical sense to me)  If you’re truly happy and at peace with your own choices, why would anyone else’s choices matter?

The answer is:  They don’t.

Are you happy with the choices you’ve made, for yourself, and your kids, and your family?  And if you’re not, are you taking steps to change them?

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Filed under parenting, unschooling

September 27, 2011 · 6:00 AM

Life is not fair, and no, I won’t get used to it.

The following list of rules has been showing up on my Facebook feed, and being credited to Bill Gates.  I did a little bit of research (aka went to snopes.com) and found that it’s long been incorrectly attributed to Gates, when it was really written by a man named Charles J. Sykes,  author of a book called “Dumbing Down Our Kids: Why American Children Feel Good About Themselves, but can’t Read, Write, or Add”.   While lots of people praise it for its advice, the whole thing struck me as pessimistic and resentful towards kids in general.  Here is the list, coupled with my response to Mr Sykes.

Rules You Won’t Learn in School

Rule 1: Life is not fair – get used to it!

Is there an element of truth to this?  Sure.  Sometimes life isn’t fair. But subscribing to this sort of philosophy is like living the old adage, “Life sucks and then you die.”  It is a pessimistic, sad, and destructive way to view the world, and your life.  I certainly wouldn’t want to view life in that manner, and I wouldn’t my kids to either.  I choose to focus on the GOOD.

Rule 2: The world doesn’t care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

So let me understand this.  We’re not to feel good about ourselves until we “accomplish something?”  Who decides what we need to accomplish before we feel good about ourselves?   I didn’t finish college.  I didn’t get a 1600 on my SATs.  I haven’t worked outside the home in over a decade.  Should I not feel good about myself?   Because I do, unabashedly.  And it seems to me that in this day and age of bullying, drug addiction, eating disorders, and trying to fit in with the crowd that school kids’ self esteem is at a collective all-time LOW.  I’m thinking that advising them to “accomplish” something before they even think about feeling good about themselves isn’t such a stellar plan.  My kids do feel good about themselves, and because they feel good about themselves, they can ‘accomplish’ anything they put their minds to.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won’t be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Absolutely.  You probably won’t.  But I don’t want my kids to chasing a goal of x dollars a year, or of being a “vice president with a car phone.”  I want them to follow their path.  Maybe it doesn’t involve making $60,000 a year.  Maybe they have no desire to be a vice president of anything.   If they’re happy and growing and pursuing their own goals it won’t matter if they’re making $10 an hour or six figures a year.  If THEY are happy (and this is assuming they have ignored the advice in #2 and feel good about themselves even before they’ve “accomplished” anything) then I will be happy as well. 

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

I have had great teachers, and I have had great bosses.  I don’t want my kids to fear somebody being “tough” on them, but to approach each new opportunity, person, and experience with an open mind, and an open heart.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: They called it opportunity.

Who said it was beneath anyone’s dignity?  I worked at McDonald’s as a teen.  I picked blueberries one summer.  I’ve mucked horse stalls.  I’ve cashiered more years than I care to count.  I was grateful for every job that I had, and I’ve no doubt that my kids will feel the same way.   I can’t help but wonder why Mr Sykes has such a low opinion of today’s youth.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it’s not your parents’ fault, so don’t whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Seriously, what is with all the negativity?  My kids make mistakes (as do I) all the time.  Never once have I seen them blame me.  They learn from their mistakes just like their parents do.  But then again, they have self-esteem.  I’d imagine it’d be easier to blame someone else for your mistakes if you didn’t feel good about yourself.  So maybe if you scrapped number 2, you could scrap number 6 too. 

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent’s generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

This one made my 11 year old laugh.  He said, “That’s pretty  funny.  NOT TRUE, but funny.”  He doesn’t think we’re boring, and he knows we don’t view him or his siblings as a burden, or as someone who needs to somehow be indebted to us because we pay his bills, or clean his clothes.  I’d join him in his laughter except that it makes me genuinely sad to hear someone talk in such an insulting way about children in general.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they’ll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. *This doesn’t bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.*

Well, I do agree that school does not bear the slightest resemblance to real life, but not because of this example.  Schools that are abolishing traditional testing and grading systems are actually getting closer to real life than those that are not.  In real life, we’re allowed to use calculators, and we don’t have to “show our work.”  In real life, employees get to ask questions, get feedback from bosses and coworkers, and often work as a team.  In real life, people don’t have to be graded and categorized and labeled, and in real life people get to CHOOSE what they study, what they pursue, and how and where and why they work.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don’t get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF.  Do that on your own time.

No, life is not divided into semesters.  And no, you don’t get summers off.  What strikes me about this rule though is this:  Most kids are in school, what, 6, 8 hours a day?  Add to that the 2 hours of homework, and to that the hour of after school sports… When does Mr Sykes suggest that kids actually get their “own” time to find themselves?

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

We’re big fans of Friends, so this one made us laugh too.  It’s laughable for other reasons though.  The kids know that Friends is just  a TV show.   Even the 3 year old understands that Daddy goes to work every day,  and she understands why.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working for one.

Kind of ironic that he’s concerned about being nice to ‘nerds’, at the tail end of a list that’s been anything but nice to children.   But by all means, YES, be nice to nerds.  Be nice to teachers.  Be nice to jocks and geeks and popular kids and kids who smoke in between classes.  Be nice to the people who get on your very last nerve and be nice to the people who make you want, with every fiber of your being, to be the exact opposite of ‘nice’.   Not because you might be working for them one day, but because it’s the right thing to do.  And because – if you’ll ignore rules 1 through 10 – you’ll feel good about yourself, and positive about life, and will genuinely want to share it with others.

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Filed under kids, life, unschooling

September 21, 2011 · 6:00 AM

Too shy? There’s a med for that.

Once you label me, you negate me.  ~Soren Kierkegaard

I am:

shy
ADD
depressed
anxious
too sensitive
bi-polar

ME.  I am me.  I won’t be defined by a label… not yours, not mine, and not the “experts'”.   I am me.

And my kids?  They’re my kids.  They’re people, each one of them individuals.  They are not a set of characteristics or facets or “quirks.”  They are not a description in a book or a pamphlet in the pediatrician’s waiting room.  They are not hypothetical.  They are not like anybody else. They are not mere ingredients of a whole, or something to be molded or refined or altered to fit into a certain box.    They do not need to be diagnosed.  They do not need to be labeled.

This article, from Health Impact News, says that 650,000 kids are already on Ritalin.   As if that’s not enough, children who are too quiet or ‘moody’ or not as social as their peers now “run the risk of being diagnosed with mental illnesses and given powerful drugs like Prozac, psychologists have warned.”  Not as chatty as the kid sitting next to you?  Must be social anxiety disorder.  Sad because your betta fish died?  Clearly you’re clinically depressed.  Voiced a contrary opinion to someone in charge?  Why, that’s surely caused by your oppositional defiant disorder.

I think the thing that bothers me the most about this disturbingly increasing use of labels (and subsequent dispensing of medication to “treat” them) is this end goal of making everyone somehow the same.  The quiet kids need to be more outgoing.  But not too outgoing.  The energetic kids need to calm down.  But not too much.  The kids who are too rigid and regimented need to relax.  But just a little.  The ones who are making up stories in their head and looking out the window… well, they need to learn. to. focus.   Let’s just take away all their differences, and all their uniqueness, and all their personalities.   Let’s make everyone NORMAL.

But wait.  I have a question.  Who the hell decides what “normal” is?  And why is it something I’d ever want myself or my kids to strive for? I don’t want “normal” lives for my kids. I want happy. I want healthy. I want full, and rich, and interesting.

I want them to know that there isn’t something wrong with them because they are too quiet. Or too loud. Or if they learn quickly or slowly or in a different way than the kid sitting next to them. Or walk differently or talk differently or think differently. I want them to know that they were created exactly the way they were created for a reason. I want them to know that they are not a label, and they are not a box-filler, and they are not automatically a member of whatever group someone else wants to lump them in with.

This is not to say that I think we should ignore it when our children are unhappy or struggling in some way. In fact the opposite is true. I think it’s our job as parents to continually ask ourselves how we can best meet their individual needs. I think it’s our job to ask ourselves what we could do make their lives even better. What we could do to help make their lives more happy and peaceful and fulfilling. They don’t need someone to try to fix them or change them to fit inside someone else’s ideal, but someone who’ll just love them, exactly as they are. Someone who will pay attention to their needs, support them in their interests, and respect their individuality. In the end, what they need is a parent who will stand up and say, “You know what, I’m on your side.”

When I first began writing this post, I was going to share my experiences as a parent to a child that everyone wanted to label from the time he was a toddler. But I’ve decided it’s not my story to tell. It’s his story, to eventually share or not share however he sees fit. I am not in his head, and I am not in his body. I’m just lucky enough to be his mom.

I can, however, tell you what it’s like to be me. I can tell you what it’s like to have the labels I’ve crossed out up above (which, by the way, are real words I’ve heard to describe myself at various times in my life). I can tell you that I am not those labels. I can tell you that I’m just me… with flaws and warts and awesomeness just like anyone else. I can tell you that I’ve learned that the minute I let myself get defined by a label is the minute that my life gets smaller, and the minute that the world gets a little less colorful and a little less free. It’s the minute that doors close instead of open, and the minute that the glass that was once half-full suddenly becomes bone dry.

I don’t want that for myself, and I don’t want it for my kids.

And so, we celebrate being authentically US. We celebrate differences. We recognize and embrace the fact that those differences that school or society might tell us are weird or crazy or wrong… are actually something pretty darn wonderful.

 

 

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Filed under kids, labels, parenting, unschooling

September 16, 2011 · 4:16 PM

I want you to love this. So I’m going to force you to do it.

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Confession: I have watched the movie The Sure Thing approximately 8625 times (give or take a thousand) There was a point in time when my sister and I could sit and recite the entire movie back and forth, without missing a single line. We’re geeky talented like that. Also on my watched againandagainandagain list: When Harry Met Sally, The Breakfast Club, Real Genius, Some Kind of Wonderful, and Say Anything. Yes, I am aware that they made other movies both before and after the ’80s, but that shall forever remain my favorite movie decade.

I love movies. I love them for their storytelling, for their settings, and for their dialogue. I love the cinematography. I love thinking about the screenplay (and being reminded of my all-time favorite class in college). I love the soundtracks, and how the music makes you really feel what you’re watching. I love that I can watch a movie over and over, and still notice something new every time. I love watching the characters in the background, and seeing how much they add or detract from the main action. I love catching when they’ve made a mistake of continuity in the editing. I love that a favorite movie can bring me out of the doldrums like nothing else.

Because I love them, I naturally share that love with my kids. It just sort of bubbles out of me. We talk about movies, I tell them about my old favorites, we watch together, we look up the actors we like to see what else they’ve been in.  I don’t know that they will all grow up loving movies as much as I do… but I do know that they enjoy and appreciate them.  They’re something fun that we all take part in, both individually and as a family, simply because I couldn’t help but share this part of myself with the people around me.

You know what I don’t do?  I don’t force them to watch movies.  Ever.  I don’t require them to watch movies.  I don’t set aside a certain part of the day for watching movies.  I don’t tell them how much it would mean to me if they loved movies.  I don’t make them watch movies when they’d rather be reading, or playing ball or taking apart an engine.  Doing so would then make movies an unpleasant chore… the exact opposite of my intention.  It would likely make them in fact strongly dislike movies (and possibly also strongly dislike ME in the process).  At a minimum, it would make them resentful of my insistence, and all but ensure that it becomes a past time that they would then never willingly pursue or enjoy of their own volition.

Doesn’t that just seem like common sense?

Why then, do people hold the belief that they can foster the love of reading (another of the great loves of my life) through force?  Through requiring children – whether they seem ready or receptive or not – to sitting down, and practicing, practicing, practicing… as though it were an arduous and grueling task instead of what it actually is:  a useful and often pleasurable skill, one that should be enjoyed and embraced by the individual doing it.  Let me ask you, how much enjoying and embracing are you going to be doing if someone is standing over you with an iron fist?   How much more would you enjoy that chapter book, or National Geographic, or car repair manual (this is what my 14 year old reads for fun) if you’re the one choosing to pick it up?   How much more would you appreciate having the skill of reading in your life if you came by it naturally… by having the people you love and trust sharing their joy of reading with you?  By being read to, by being surrounded by the written word, by playing games and asking questions and being curious?  NOT because you turned 4 (or 5 or 6 or whatever age schools these days are trumpeting as the ‘right’ age to start) and having it proclaimed to you, “Okay, time to learn to read!!”

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You may think it’s unfair of me to compare movies with reading.  One’s a necessity, you’re thinking, and the other is mere entertainment.   I disagree.  Both are forms of conveying information and telling stories.  Reading is an invaluable and important skill to develop, absolutely.   Reading opens up many doors, and makes us able to learn about anything that we desire, yes.  Reading helps us navigate through the world, and allows us to better understand what is happening around us, of course.  But if life is to be lived  (and heck yeah, LIFE IS TO BE LIVED) equally important is beauty… whether it comes from movies or books or poetry or dance.  Enjoying life is important.  Having passion for something is important.  And a great way to make sure that your child does NOT have passion for something – at least the positive kind – is by forcing them to do it against their will.

I recently received an email from a friend (a friend who I’ve long suspected is an unschooler at heart, even though her daughter currently attends school).  She told me about her daughter, a little seven year old, the same age as my Everett.  She’s a girl who loved to read, and who’d often steal away to her favorite corners of the house to curl up with a book.   She then started second grade, where it was required as part of her homework that she read out loud for ten minutes every day.  In a matter of weeks, this little girl completely lost her love of reading, and instead began to dread it.  This from a child who actually liked to read!   What about the kids who are still learning, or who are focusing on other skills, or who just aren’t ready?  Pushing them is going to, well, do just that:  push them further away.  It’s not going to help them appreciate reading, and it’s certainly not going to instill a love for the process.

Too many traditional schools are focusing more and more on ‘academics’, and at a younger and younger age.   They want kids to love reading so they…. try to force it?  They’re going in the wrong direction.   Kids needs to PLAY, but because of increased pressures to ready them for standardized tests and college and SATS, there’s no time for play.  No time for recess, or art, or music, or gym.  They must learn to read!  And they’re going to enjoy it, dammit!

The ironic part to me is that the system as it stands clearly isn’t working.   Albert Einstein said that the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”  This is even worse than that though, because it’s taking that same thing over and over and doing more of it.   More pressure.  More structure.  More homework.  More testing.  Meanwhile, more kids are depressed, angry, burnt out, exhausted, bullying others, getting bullied themselves, and getting put on all kinds of psychotropic drugs.   I can’t be the only one who sees that there’s a problem here.

Want your children to love reading?  Let them see that YOU love it.  Share with them.  Help them.  Support them.  Want your children to love learning?  Let them know that it’s not a chore, or a burden, or a headache… but simply what we humans do.  Let them see that learning is all around them, and not something that happens at certain hours in certain places.  Want your children to be happy?  Let them be children.  Let them run and play and mess up and touch things and taste things and try things.

Let them know that life is about joy and freedom and choices, not about getting forced into someone else’s boxes.

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Filed under learning, reading, school, unschooling

September 14, 2011 · 3:10 PM

Making Peace with a Schedule

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A few weeks ago, I got an email from someone looking to flesh out the concept of unschooling a little more. One of her (paraphrased) questions was “Do you ever feel like you’re just spinning your wheels, and/or putting out fires all day?”

My answer: Yes. And when I notice it’s happening frequently, I know it’s time for something to change. More specifically, I know it’s time for me to make a change. It’s not a good thing for me OR the kids if I’m scattered all day, flitting here and there and not really present for any of it. Unschooling shouldn’t be about reacting, but about being there, right there in the moment.

Since getting all renewed and re-inspired at the conference, I have sadly realized that I really have been doing all too much wheel-spinning lately. Further, I’ve realized that I have done the same exact thing when each of my boys was Tegan’s age (3) as well. When my kids are around 3 – not quite babies anymore – I sort of have a little life crisis. They are more independent, and playing on their own more often, and needing me in very different ways than before. I start to feel that itch of wanting to take on a new hobby, or start a new business, or devote some time to a certain passion. The difference this time though is that when the boys were her age, I was either about to have another baby, or I’d just had one. So the feelings would go away, and I’d happily immerse myself once again in diapers and onesies and dimpled elbows and chubby feet and sweet smelling baby heads. This time there is no pregnancy and there is no new baby. Which is in turns heartbreakingly sad, and strangely exciting.

Lately my heightened crisis has caused me to become suddenly interested in 20,000 different things. And of course I still want to be present for my kids, and fully invested in unschooling and hands-on parenting. I want to figure out this whole “homemaker” thing, and make (and keep) a nice home for my family. I also want to have some time for myself, and some time for blogging, and some time for pursuing my own interests. As a result, I’m sorry to say, I feel I’ve been only a little bit good at all of the above. I’ve also been anxious about the new season, which is suddenly thrusting us from having zero standing weekly plans to having basketball, gymnastics, scouts, church, and bible study meetings.

And so, I’ve decided to get organized and make a plan. Instead of a zillion personal pursuits, at the moment I’m going to focus on one. And you’re reading it. This blog is my fifth baby, my heart, and my soul. I don’t know what is going to happen in the future, but for right now, this is what I need to be doing. I need to be doing it so badly that I actually made myself a schedule.

I’m not a big schedule person (in fact I sort of hate them with a passion), but I also know that they work really, really well for me. They help me focus on what I’m supposed to be focusing on, and they help my scattered brain get a little less scattered.

Here then, is my – always flexible, always subject to change – schedule:

Morning: Coffee, emails, empty the dishwasher

Rest of the day into the afternoon: Leave the computer alone (instead of checking emails/Facebook in 2 or 3 minute little bursts all the live long day). Be present and focused and available for the kids…. for playing, for projects, for questions, for reading, for talking, for hanging out.

2:00-4:00ish (still working on this): Take time for myself to blog, answer emails and comments, and work on other writing-related stuff, without feeling guilty about it.

4:30 Pick up our messes for the day to get ready for the evening

5:00 till whenever we go to bed: Dinner, dishes, activities, television, playing, and hanging out (and maybe I’ll check emails and Facebook somewhere in there too :)).

The idea is that when I’m with the kids, I’m WITH them. When I’m doing something for me, I’m doing something for me. And so on. It’s still very much an experiment, because honestly, it’s something I’ve never really tried before. I had grand plans to start it yesterday, but instead had an unexpected (and welcome) outing with friends we haven’t seen for 3 months.

So we started it today. I did pretty well with ignoring my computer until 2:00, although I’m thinking I’m not so great with the cold turkey thing. The kids were all 100% on board with giving me my time at 2:00… but I spent 10 minutes of it in the tub with the girl, and another 5 explaining to the 14 year old about researching “completed” listings on Ebay to help price something he wanted to sell… both of which were momentarily more important than my own needs. At the time of this writing, it is 3:00, and all four kids have settled into a happy, comfortable groove. I’ll commit myself to giving it an honest try, and a fair amount of time, and we’ll see what it brings. I’m kind of excited at the prospect though, even if it means some adjustment, for all involved.

If you’re a stay-at-home parent, do you have some sort of schedule for your day? How does it work for you?

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Filed under about me, blogging, life, unschooling, writing

September 13, 2011 · 6:02 PM

Good Vibrations: Finding my Tribe

This past weekend we joined over one hundred unschooling families for the Good Vibrations Unschooling Conference. I don’t want to get too mushy and sentimental about it, but here’s the thing:

I don’t really fit in with most moms. Not moms from homeschool groups, not moms from little league, not moms from scouts, not moms from church. Sure, I’ve become reasonably adept at smiling and small talk and chit chat, but when the subject shifts (as it always inevitably does) to things like curriculums, limits, punishments, and coercive parenting in general, I’m met with a stark reminder. “Oh yeah, we’re different.”

Make no mistake… I like being different. I love the lifestyle we’ve chosen to live with our family, and I truly couldn’t imagine living any other way. I am so happy, and so filled with peace with the decisions we’ve made – and continue to make – when it comes to education, parenting, and just LIVING. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say that at times it can be…. isolating… having an all but completely nonexistent local support team of people who “get it.”

Enter the unschooling conference.

And of course, the conference was lighthearted and fun. I mean, where else can you:

Go swimming
Make fairy wands and upcycled tutus
Carve sponges
Break boards
Play dress-up
Learn about nature drawing
Hula hoop
Have Nerf gun wars
Watch movies and listen to concerts by the pool, and
Take surfing lessons,

All in the same weekend?

There’s no denying that it was a great time. But it was more than that. It was like a breath of fresh air to be around so many unschoolers, to – even if just for a few days – not be the odd one out. To know that my three year old is welcomed anywhere that I am, to know that my seven year old will be taken seriously, and that my 11 and 14 year old won’t be asked what grade they’re in, or what their favorite subject is or whether or not they’re allowed to watch television or play video games. To see adults, teens, and kids of all ages playing and chatting and just enjoying each other’s company, as if it were the most natural and normal thing in the world (which, of course, it is)

Being an introvert who’s married to, well, an even bigger introvert, we’re not always so good at the mixing and mingling. We tended to do more hanging back and observing, while our unsocialized kids happily and easily made friends with everyone they came in contact with. But even from our “quietly taking everything in” stance (although, I feel compelled to make it known that I DID both break a board and hula hoop in front of a bunch of people, thankyouverymuch); even from that perspective, the amount of support and validation I received from everyone there was immense. I gained and learned so much just from seeing the examples of kindness and respect with which other parents treated their children, and with which they treated my children. And the parents I did get a chance to talk with? It was privilege, and I enjoyed every minute of it.

Shortly before we left for home, I witnessed someone yelling at a child, and demanding that he get out of the pool. It thoroughly jarred me out of my conference bubble, and I suddenly realized that I’d just gone four whole days without hearing a parent yell (which is really pretty amazing when you consider that I was there with over 100 sets of parents, and I can barely make it through the grocery store without hearing at least one parent yell, or punish, or humiliate their child.) Disclaimer: This is not to say that unschoolers are perfect parents or that they don’t make mistakes or sometimes have bad days. It’s also not to say that there aren’t wonderful parents who don’t unschool. Of course there are. It’s just that being surrounded by so many many parents who are consciously choosing a path towards a more peaceful and harmonious relationship with their kids is a pretty powerful and invaluable thing. And, well, it DOES make me want to get mushy and sentimental.

Because those are my people. That is my tribe. And even though we’re back home now, scattered amongst the country once again… I’m going to hold on tight, and thank my lucky stars that thanks to the wonder of the internet, my tribe is still with me.

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Filed under gentle parenting, traveling, unschooling